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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go against the "expert" advice

152 replies

halandpeeno · 26/11/2021 18:31

I have a 3 year old, I thought he had grown out of the terrible twos but instead he has redoubled his efforts.
Every mealtime for the past year (at least) has been the same.
He takes one look at whatever we give him and says 'I DON'T LIKE IT'. Variations on this are 'I'M TOO BUSY TO EAT' and ' I DON'T FEEL WELL'.
The general wisdom is to ignore, not to make an issue out of it, still give dessert (normally yoghurt) or just give toast. We have done all of this.
So now he sits in front of the food and straight away says 'NO I'LL JUST HAVE DESSERT' or 'NO, TOAST PLEASE'.
Toast and yoghurt are his favourites so of course he is delighted that he can say no to his food and have these as alternatives. If we don't give him these we are up all night with a hungry child.
This happens if he is eating with just his brother or if we are sitting down to a family meal, which we do regularly. We model good eating habits, we praise, we ignore the bad behaviour. It has started to get to the stage where we won't even sit down to the table or will try to fling the food across the room.
Where the hell do we go from here?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 26/11/2021 18:34

Tell him you've run out of yoghurt/bread and he can have the meal you've made or something less appealing.

Original poster
halandpeeno · 26/11/2021 18:48

We have tried, he would rather go without and wake up at 1am with a rumbling belly. He will then keep us up happily for the next few hours.
By that point, our option is, give him yoghurt or milk and he goes back to sleep or stay up with him. We tried from 10 days straight refusing to give in in the early hours until I just broke with tiredness and sobbed.
I'd like to say I don't know where he gets his stubborn streak from but I know darn well that it's from me.
I may sound flippant but I'm not, I am honestly at my wits end. His latest trick is to lie under the table and go to complete liquid, absolutely dead weight as he knows I have back issues and a cannot crawl under and get him.

OP posts:
Justwalkyourfineassoutthedoor · 26/11/2021 18:49

Give something else that isn’t a favourite as an alternative instead. So he can choose his meal or wait until everyone else has finished and then have a less appealing pudding and alternative

Jubaju · 26/11/2021 18:53

Could you try a buffet of stuff just on the table instead and offer no toast / yog?

It’s all control at this age. It’s painful.

Could you get him involved in making pizzas? Mashing potatoes? cutting veg up so he’s involved in making it to try and get his interest.

Santaischeckinglists · 26/11/2021 18:54

Well hopefully Santa isn't watching him being so silly.

Pinkflask · 26/11/2021 18:56

Indeed, this is PRIME “fine then I’ll give Santa a call” age 😂 milk it while it works!

ElftonWednesday · 26/11/2021 18:57

They do grow out of it eventually.

I used to ask mine to try 5 forkfuls or whatever I had made then they could have bread and butter. Also stickers/reward chart might help. Just stay calm and relaxed and don't make mealtimes a battleground.

MistyFrequencies · 26/11/2021 19:00

I'd just feed him toast and yoghurt. He will grow out of it. As long as he's getting fruit, veg etc at other meals then toast & yoghurt for dinner isn't the end of the world.

Silverswirl · 26/11/2021 19:00

@halandpeeno

I have a 3 year old, I thought he had grown out of the terrible twos but instead he has redoubled his efforts. Every mealtime for the past year (at least) has been the same. He takes one look at whatever we give him and says 'I DON'T LIKE IT'. Variations on this are 'I'M TOO BUSY TO EAT' and ' I DON'T FEEL WELL'. The general wisdom is to ignore, not to make an issue out of it, still give dessert (normally yoghurt) or just give toast. We have done all of this. So now he sits in front of the food and straight away says 'NO I'LL JUST HAVE DESSERT' or 'NO, TOAST PLEASE'. Toast and yoghurt are his favourites so of course he is delighted that he can say no to his food and have these as alternatives. If we don't give him these we are up all night with a hungry child. This happens if he is eating with just his brother or if we are sitting down to a family meal, which we do regularly. We model good eating habits, we praise, we ignore the bad behaviour. It has started to get to the stage where we won't even sit down to the table or will try to fling the food across the room. Where the hell do we go from here?
You bribe. Bribe bribe bribe. What is something he loves to have or eat? He can have that after he has eaten some dinner. As they get older you can reason more and you can use another tool or they just generally eat better because they know what you expect at meal times.
mayblossominapril · 26/11/2021 19:03

I’m still using bribery on my 4 year old. Eat up all of this and you can have a sweet/ice lolly/whatever works
Will he eat something on the toast or a toasted cheese sandwich make it a more substantial meal? For pudding would he have fruit crumble and yogurt? Make the crumble with tinned fruit for speed, pear and raspberry is good.
I’ve arranged food on a little board like a mini grazing board. Does he like dipping things? Making pizza is popular in our house and he eats them.
It’s really hard going and I found changing the strategy regularly helped keep him in his toes.

ToykotoLosAngeles · 26/11/2021 19:03

My 3 year old does this exactly. Exactly! We have given him fish fingers and beans for the last 5 nights as he has been ill and it was easier but we are now back to cereal or yoghurt. I'm hoping he grows out of it...

SickAndTiredAgain · 26/11/2021 19:04

Something plainer as an alternative? We give banana or yoghurt but sometimes just plain weetabix with milk. Filling, and she does like it, but not really exciting or a treat.

One thing that helps with DD, and you may have tried this of course, is when she doesn’t want her dinner, we give a banana or weetabix without much comment and leave her dinner in front of her. So she has a bowl of weetabix and her plate of food and we carry on eating and chatting. Sometimes, after a few bites of the alternative, she’ll have some of the main. This has meant at times she’s been alternating a bite of banana and a forkful of curry, but she’s eating it and getting used to different foods and flavours, so I don’t really mind the slightly odd combinations. She is not allowed to demand the main meal is taken away, we say she doesn’t have to have it, but that we’re sitting down eating now so we’ll move her plate later.

ToykotoLosAngeles · 26/11/2021 19:06

One tip that sometimes works is to set say a 10 minute timer and take the uneaten food away then. It instils urgency in some children!

fallfallfall · 26/11/2021 19:10

Switch over to cooked puddings (similar texture to yogurt) with egg yolks and whole milk. Switch from toast to banana bread and other veg based loafs (zucchini/squash/beet root/carrot control the sugar).

Notlostjustexploring · 26/11/2021 19:26

Is his main meal at lunch or Dinner? Mine are far more likely to eat well at lunch time, then they can just get a lighter tea and a supper. It does mean that if lunch is refused, they get no more food, nice or otherwise, until tea. And we'd usually give them porridge shortly before bed.

I stopped offering alternatives and they don't get dessert unless they've made a token effort. I tried following the rules but they didn't work.

MindyStClaire · 26/11/2021 19:34

Toast is too nice, we can't offer it as an alternative at dinner time or she'd eat nothing else. Weetabix out porridge are good suggestions.

A sticker chart has been powerful for getting our similar aged DC into bed on time after a year or so of very difficult bedtimes. Maybe combine with the timer idea above?

BlueBellsArePretty · 26/11/2021 19:39

I had a friend with this issue. On the advice of a food specialist she solved it by buying her daughter plate sets that she had chosen herself. At dinner time made a big deal of asking her 'do you want your (insert dinner) on your Peppa pig/Peter rabbit/bing plate?' By giving her control of the plate her daughter was more willing to eat the food.

Acrobatsdoingflips · 26/11/2021 19:48

We've also found bribery works an absolute treat. Had been trying the "just ignore and/or just give them a (healthy) dessert" (partly because someone once told me that the bribery approach of "if you eat all your main course you can have the treat" could lead to overeating) but she just refused almost everything all the time.

But 3 year old has responded incredibly well to bribery. Will give almost anything a try - and wolf down decent quantities of broccoli etc - if there's a promise of something sweet at the end.

It's now a bit annoying that she will sometimes negotiate exactly how much of a meal she needs to eat to get some chocolate before she's even started eating. but, hey, overall it works.

Might not work for you of course... kids are different... but good luck.

godmum56 · 26/11/2021 19:50

I'd take away the fun....just dish up yoghurt and toast without discussion or comment. Don't ask him what he wants or put out a serving of what you are having for him and if he is too busy to eat then leave it where he can get it and get on with dinner. I believe that there are liquid vitamins? stir some into the yoghurt.

BoPeeple · 26/11/2021 20:00

Is that really what the experts say? To give toast or dessert if they don’t eat their meal? Seems very odd advice to me!

I’ve always taken a pretty simple approach: the food is put in front of them, if they don’t eat it, it’s taken away with no fuss. Next meal the same. Literally just ask ‘are you going to eat it?’ And if he says no, take it away with no further fuss. Praise him if he eats it. It really won’t do him any harm, I promise.

Is he having too many snacks? In my experience a hungry child makes a good eater…

BoPeeple · 26/11/2021 20:02

Just read everyone’s comments. The advice on this thread is BONKERS Confused

LittleBearPad · 26/11/2021 20:04

@BoPeeple

Is that really what the experts say? To give toast or dessert if they don’t eat their meal? Seems very odd advice to me!

I’ve always taken a pretty simple approach: the food is put in front of them, if they don’t eat it, it’s taken away with no fuss. Next meal the same. Literally just ask ‘are you going to eat it?’ And if he says no, take it away with no further fuss. Praise him if he eats it. It really won’t do him any harm, I promise.

Is he having too many snacks? In my experience a hungry child makes a good eater…

Well exactly!

He’s three, as long as there’s at least some stuff on the plate he does eat then that’s what he gets.

Sirzy · 26/11/2021 20:06

You have shown the battle of wills approach doesn’t work. It just makes it more of an issue.

Make sure food he likes is available at every meal. Make no fuss on what he does or doesn’t eat.

Involve him in baking and simple cooking - but with no pressure to eat what his made.

Don’t let him see you are stressed.

You can provide the food but you can’t force him to eat it.

BoPeeple · 26/11/2021 20:06

@halandpeeno

We have tried, he would rather go without and wake up at 1am with a rumbling belly. He will then keep us up happily for the next few hours. By that point, our option is, give him yoghurt or milk and he goes back to sleep or stay up with him. We tried from 10 days straight refusing to give in in the early hours until I just broke with tiredness and sobbed. I'd like to say I don't know where he gets his stubborn streak from but I know darn well that it's from me. I may sound flippant but I'm not, I am honestly at my wits end. His latest trick is to lie under the table and go to complete liquid, absolutely dead weight as he knows I have back issues and a cannot crawl under and get him.
I’m so sorry but he’s played an absolute number on you.
BoPeeple · 26/11/2021 20:07

@Sirzy

You have shown the battle of wills approach doesn’t work. It just makes it more of an issue.

Make sure food he likes is available at every meal. Make no fuss on what he does or doesn’t eat.

Involve him in baking and simple cooking - but with no pressure to eat what his made.

Don’t let him see you are stressed.

You can provide the food but you can’t force him to eat it.

At last, some sense.