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AIBU?

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Original poster

To go against the "expert" advice

152 replies

halandpeeno · 26/11/2021 18:31

I have a 3 year old, I thought he had grown out of the terrible twos but instead he has redoubled his efforts.
Every mealtime for the past year (at least) has been the same.
He takes one look at whatever we give him and says 'I DON'T LIKE IT'. Variations on this are 'I'M TOO BUSY TO EAT' and ' I DON'T FEEL WELL'.
The general wisdom is to ignore, not to make an issue out of it, still give dessert (normally yoghurt) or just give toast. We have done all of this.
So now he sits in front of the food and straight away says 'NO I'LL JUST HAVE DESSERT' or 'NO, TOAST PLEASE'.
Toast and yoghurt are his favourites so of course he is delighted that he can say no to his food and have these as alternatives. If we don't give him these we are up all night with a hungry child.
This happens if he is eating with just his brother or if we are sitting down to a family meal, which we do regularly. We model good eating habits, we praise, we ignore the bad behaviour. It has started to get to the stage where we won't even sit down to the table or will try to fling the food across the room.
Where the hell do we go from here?

OP posts:
JustLyra · 26/11/2021 21:24

@Sirzy

You have shown the battle of wills approach doesn’t work. It just makes it more of an issue.

Make sure food he likes is available at every meal. Make no fuss on what he does or doesn’t eat.

Involve him in baking and simple cooking - but with no pressure to eat what his made.

Don’t let him see you are stressed.

You can provide the food but you can’t force him to eat it.

This.

Don't make it a battle.

Some children would rather starve than eat something else - it may be stubbornness, but may be because of other issues that don't become clear until later.

Just feed him, and keep offering small amounts of other foods and in time he'll either eat them, or he'll be old enough to explain more about why he doesn't want it.

Do you remember when it started? Was he unwell? Sore throat? Tooth ache? Anything that he's associating with other foods?

Katypyee · 26/11/2021 21:27

Does he have an sensory issues? Is he ASD? Has any of this been considered? Sometimes it isn't them being fussy and a battle of wills. Have you spoken with your doctor? Asked for a referral?

Keep feeding him what he likes to eat, alongside what you are eating. Serve it buffet style so there are new things to try. Put some of the items on the same place as his toast.

Get him involved in baking and helping you cook meals, with no pressure to taste.

Try not to make a huge ordeal out of mealtimes. Everybody will be less stressed.

I know sometimes it is very difficult though.

waterrat · 26/11/2021 21:30

I have a fussy eater and I don't think that is the expert advice quite No drama no arguing no bribery is the advice I read in a very good book Gettjng the little blighters to eat. You serve the food they decide whether to eat it

Toast is far too nice as others said. My 7 year old would always choose toast over dinner so that definitely needs to stop. I would just stop all puddings fir a while to get out if the habit

waterrat · 26/11/2021 21:33

Tbh if he is normal weight and cheerful he is getting what he needs across the day

My really strong advice that I know worked fir us is really don't ever bring drama or stress to the mealtime. If every time you sat down to eat your partner started cajoling and going on and on at you to eat certain parts of it and wouldn't leave you alone...and then bargained constantly over pudding. How would you start to feel about mealtimes? You would feel tense

Don't let it get like that the child will always win

Decide the rules and then just be totally calm

If they wake st night. No food you might be tired for a while but they will get the message

waterrat · 26/11/2021 21:33

Sorry just yo add. If you don't want him going to bed hungry then why not remove the drama and make it lunchtime that you try different foods then give him toast for dinner

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 26/11/2021 21:35

I always give DS a choice either A or B so he is getting a bit of a say. If he refuses to eat it then he gets no pudding. If he keeps kicking off then it's no something else (TV, swimming, stories or something).
I mean, he's 5 and this is probably against the 'rules' but it has worked really well for us.

Beamur · 26/11/2021 21:42

Both my DD and DSD have struggled with liking food - finding textures and mixed up food very unappealing. They wouldn't refuse food just to get pudding as there wasn't many puddings they liked either! I've always tended just to feed them what they like with encouragement to keep a balanced diet.
DSD has mostly grown out of her limited range of foods and eats more now but still finds certain things hard to like. DD tries but really can't eat certain types of food. She really can't tolerate wet dishes or certain textures.

DeepaBeesKit · 26/11/2021 21:48

Also it helps to change your perceptions of what a good diet looks like.

My DD has small appetite and prefers snackier foods so now I focus on nutrition, individual food items rather than getting her to like the "meals" we like. Is she getting protein, fat, vitamins, minerals, variety etc.

So a lunch might be a croissant, chopped beetroot, a portion of pecan nuts and some raspberries.

There are some things she would live on if we let her. We give these sometimes but not in quantities where she can gorge on them and refuse everything else.

Echobelly · 26/11/2021 21:49

Gotta say, I had to laugh at 'I'm too busy to eat!' Grin

Bananabrush · 26/11/2021 21:49

Make sure you are only giving plain yoghurt (with fruit if needed) rather than the sugary stuff and no jam/honey etc on the toast. I would try to make sure that there is always something he likes included in the meal. If he literally only likes toast and yoghurt make that the default dessert so he doesn’t go to bed hungry. Don’t allow him to see that you are remotely invested in what he eats. Avoid cajoling and bribery. I would probably avoid praise too. Food is given and removed without comment. Let him see you and if possible other children eating and enjoying a range of foods as often as possible.

Bananabrush · 26/11/2021 21:51

I have 4 dc. 3 fine, 1 incredibly picky. We do the above and he eats enough to have a balanced diet and there is no fighting about it.

Mojoj · 26/11/2021 21:55

I wouldn't give in. Show no weakness! It's exhausting, frustrating etc but I modelled my mum's behaviour - "if you don't eat what's on the plate, you don't eat".

Beetlebum1981 · 26/11/2021 22:07

My two can be fussy 3 & 6), they don't get pudding/treats until they've eaten what I want them to. Maybe you need to get really tough (easy to say as sleep deprivation is a killer!).
The other option is a sticker chart? My 3 year old will do anything for stickers! Could you say that when they reach 10 stickers they can have a treat e.g. a magazine?

BoredZelda · 26/11/2021 22:12

We tried from 10 days straight refusing to give in in the early hours until I just broke with tiredness and sobbed

This sounds like more than just toddler nonsense, tbh.

I stressed so much about how fussy my toddler was. I gave in to it when she started losing weight because she refused to eat. Turns out she had some pretty major textural issues stemming from her dairy intolerance. Her dietician said just to feed her whatever she would eat.

She now eats more types of food than I do.

BoredZelda · 26/11/2021 22:13

if you don't eat what's on the plate, you don't eat

My mum did this to me. It was the start of my issues around food.

girlmom21 · 26/11/2021 22:19

@Mojoj

I wouldn't give in. Show no weakness! It's exhausting, frustrating etc but I modelled my mum's behaviour - "if you don't eat what's on the plate, you don't eat".
This approach screwed my sister up big time. She's nearly 30 and still has major issues with food.
TrulyPistoff · 26/11/2021 22:22

It might work to give him soup (with pasta or whatever he might like) with toast, and he could dip the toast to get a taste of the soup.

TrulyPistoff · 26/11/2021 22:23

What youghurt do you give him, and what is on the toast?

Sally872 · 26/11/2021 22:26

Sticker chart? Sticker if he eats dinner and prize after 5 stickers no sticker and toast if he doesn't eat it but at least he won't be hungry.

Pianojazzy · 26/11/2021 22:36

My 3 year old can be fussy and by no means eats the full range of foods…and can be fickle…but I’d never tolerate this behaviour from her.

Flinging food? That means time out corner. Not at least eating some of what’s on her plate for dinner means no dessert. Hungry at bedtime? She can have a banana but that’s it.

Going limp under the table? Walk away and ignore.

Waking up at night hungry? Left a banana and some milk with lights on dim…I’d go back to bed (listening out). Food is there if she wants it…but it’s clear that no amount of crying is going to make it so I get up and spend time with her in the middle of the night (unless she’s poorly). I Aubrey work the next day…no time to indulge that sort of behaviour.

Don’t get me wrong if I serve up something brand new and dd refused to eat it / really didn’t like it then I wouldn’t let her starve but if expect her to at least try a few forkfuls before having something else.

I had these sorts of battles with her when she was 2 and she generally knows better now than to pull those stunts but she’ll occasionally still try to ask for snacks / treats at breakfast time for example but I always say no and ignore any tears…they dont last long and I distract her.

The longer you wait to set boundaries the harder it will be because they become increasingly strong willed.

BoredZelda · 26/11/2021 22:42

The longer you wait to set boundaries the harder it will be because they become increasingly strong willed.

Or, they mature and grow out of it.

NEbotherpet · 26/11/2021 22:45

@Santaischeckinglists

Well hopefully Santa isn't watching him being so silly.
Love this comment 😂
Branleuse · 26/11/2021 22:50

I would make yourself really lovely appetising dinners and then just put plain toast on his plate. Dont even offer him the proper meal. Just act like yours is delicious. Even if hes ok with it the first couple of goes, he will soon get bored and want what you have.
Id also stop giving dessert. Noone needs dessert

Pianojazzy · 26/11/2021 22:53

Waiting for them to grow out of it is just following the path of least resistance and could result in a bloody miserable few years.

JustLyra · 26/11/2021 23:21

@Pianojazzy

Waiting for them to grow out of it is just following the path of least resistance and could result in a bloody miserable few years.
As opposed to the merry happiness of every meal time being a battle?