To go against the "expert" advice

[halandpeeno]

I have a 3 year old, I thought he had grown out of the terrible twos but instead he has redoubled his efforts.
Every mealtime for the past year (at least) has been the same.
He takes one look at whatever we give him and says 'I DON'T LIKE IT'. Variations on this are 'I'M TOO BUSY TO EAT' and ' I DON'T FEEL WELL'.
The general wisdom is to ignore, not to make an issue out of it, still give dessert (normally yoghurt) or just give toast. We have done all of this.
So now he sits in front of the food and straight away says 'NO I'LL JUST HAVE DESSERT' or 'NO, TOAST PLEASE'.
Toast and yoghurt are his favourites so of course he is delighted that he can say no to his food and have these as alternatives. If we don't give him these we are up all night with a hungry child.
This happens if he is eating with just his brother or if we are sitting down to a family meal, which we do regularly. We model good eating habits, we praise, we ignore the bad behaviour. It has started to get to the stage where we won't even sit down to the table or will try to fling the food across the room.
Where the hell do we go from here?

[quote BoPeeple]@roundtable

I think it’s more to do with how parenting has changed - not helped by so-called ‘experts’ telling people to give their kids toast if they don’t eat their dinner.

When my parents were kids you ate what was put in front of you, you didn’t have loads of snacks in between and you’d be told off if you made a fuss. So they just didn’t do it. There was no AFRID, or anything else.

I’m not saying it was perfect back then - some parenting was way too strict and I don’t think it’s ever right to force a child to eat something they don’t like or humiliate them by making them sit at the table for hours.

But we seem to have got into this style of parenting that puts the child in charge. We cajole, bribe and beg them to do what we want. I personally think it’s a damaging style of parenting, as you raise children who see how desperate you are for them to please you. If you get a strong-willed one who likes attention/control, you can then get yourself in a huge mess, whether that be with food, sleep, getting dressed or anything else.

All of my children went through slightly fussy stages of eating. I just gave them delicious, home-cooked food with no alternative and never entered into a discussion. Mealtimes were happy and relaxed, even if they didn’t eat. If they tried something and didn’t like it I would respect that and wouldn’t give it to them again (although I would encourage them to re-try it a few months later).

When you step away from your own anxieties it’s actually just common sense.[/quote]
So very true...

I am really, really not re-serving my DS the cold beans and hard toast from 5pm at 2am. This isn't some Dickensian moral tale.

Just let him have the toast and yoghurt. Its really not a big deal. He'll get bored of it eventually.

[quote RaisinFlapjack]@BoPeeple

Sorry, but that’s absolute rubbish, and insulting to the millions of children worldwide who actually are starving.

I was discussing this with a friend who used to work on development projects in Africa. They did get children becoming severely unwell because they refused to eat whatever the staple foodstuffs were in the region or the nutrition rich pastes and stuff provided by aid agencies. It’s not simply a case of ‘if they’re hungry enough they’d eat’, anywhere in the world.[/quote]
I knew a refugee 3yo who only ate chicken nuggets. I wouldn't be surprised if that's quite common for refugees, to be honest, they've been through a really traumatic experience.

Anyway OP, Sirzy upthread and those who agree with them gave the best advice.

Serve the toast snd yogurt before or beside the food the rest of you are having. Once they've had a bit of that they won't be hungry and have got the thing they want (so that battle is out the way) and will be in a much better temperament to try the dinner.

I just let them get on with it. If they aren't hungry enough to eat any of their dinner then they can't possibly have room for any pudding.

If its something they do like and they choose not to eat, that is fine but they aren't to wake me in the night to tell me they're hungry or they'll be in trouble. So far their desire not to lose screen time has outweighed their desire to be picky eatersand they will usually have at least some part of their dinner.

They get one last chance before they go to bed, are you sure you don't want me to reheat your dinner for you before bedtime? No? OK then, time for bed. If I offered them toast or pudding for refusing their dinner, they'd have died of scurvy by now.

My dd had terrible eating habits but she has and where this is common. What worked eventually was things she liked alongside tony amount of new food. E.g. eat a bit of cheese and then eat your toast etc. I used to put it a on her tray in little separate bowls. I started with easier stuff. Thete were v difficult days but she gradually improved and is now much better at trying new stuff even if her diet is still nowhere near broad. I also worked hard on not getting pissed off so there was no extreme reaction from me. I also started with easy wins like bits of cracker with cheese chopped bits of melon etc.

Has asd.

Similar to some of the other advice offered above; when my little one went from being a great eater to 'fussy' we hit the same battle of wills! One of the things that got us out of it was offering a 'snack plate' at meals. She got to choose some of what went on it, maybe fruit, yoghurt, crackers etc, I was clear that it couldn't be sweets or chocs, and I'd fill the rest with elements of the meal I was making. Turned out she preferred raw veg to cooked and I'd missed this by only offering cooked. So if I made a pasta dish, her snack plate would contain the raw veg, tofu/alternative, a spoon of the sauce, and some plain pasta plus some fruit etc. Over a few meals she began to mix the food items together and now is happy to tuck into a 'proper' meal. Minimal hassle for all concerned.
Another thing was rather than dishing up meals and offering it at the table was placing a serving dish on the table and letting her serve herself. She really enjoyed that.
I try to only insist she eats until she's full and that if she really is full that I won't make her eat more, but I'm clear that this is all she's getting until breakfast, especially if it's a meal she does like. This has given her some control of her food in a positive way as she now thinks about how her tummy feels and will say she has "room for two more bites" herself.
It doesn't come overnight but it has worked for us.
Best of luck!

@Standardmess

and will say she has "room for two more bites" herself.

This is adorable.

I think the only thing you can do is try different approaches with your child and see what works. But it’s tricky as there’s unlikely to be an overnight success.

I use a mix of approaches with my DS. I do withhold pudding/won’t give him toast if I’ve given him something I know he will eat and I know he’s just exhibiting a preference for toast/pudding and I will push him to eat his dinner. If dinner is something a bit more out of his comfort zone I will be more inclined to let him have pudding even if he’s not touched his meal.

I do find it all tricky - his younger brother is much less fussy, but would also prefer to eat along the lines of DS’s more restricted diet given the chance. I don’t want to limit DS2’s diet to what DS1 will eat, don’t want to DS1 to get ‘special treatment’, don’t want DS1 to go hungry, don’t have time or inclination to be cooking separate meals for everyone. It’s all a balancing act.

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut

I just let them get on with it. If they aren't hungry enough to eat any of their dinner then they can't possibly have room for any pudding.

If its something they do like and they choose not to eat, that is fine but they aren't to wake me in the night to tell me they're hungry or they'll be in trouble. So far their desire not to lose screen time has outweighed their desire to be picky eatersand they will usually have at least some part of their dinner.

They get one last chance before they go to bed, are you sure you don't want me to reheat your dinner for you before bedtime? No? OK then, time for bed. If I offered them toast or pudding for refusing their dinner, they'd have died of scurvy by now.

So your 3 yo knew that he wasn't allowed to wake you in the night if he couldn't sleep and was hungry? I'm not sure that's something I'd be as proud as you are about.

Can you work around what he will eat to add a few more nutrients eg cheese on toast and some apple slices?

Mine also ate a limited diet at that age but just enough variety to get essential nutrients .

@Evesgarden

It’s not breaking their will. I’ve never, ever made any of my children eat anything they don’t want to eat. I have one who is vegetarian, so I cook separate meals for him. Another doesn’t like green beans or courgettes - fine. I make sure there is always more than one vegetable and take into account what they don’t like. One doesn’t like mushrooms - I simply tell her to pick them out and put them on the side of her plate. It doesn’t have to be hard! And if you do this from a really early age then you tend not to get super fussy eaters.

It’s not about controlling them, it’s about making mealtimes enjoyable, not a war zone.

Also, food is not the only thing toddlers can control. They can have autonomy over what they play with, what they wear, what they watch or listen to, which friend they invite over etc etc.

I honestly wonder whether some mothers are putting their own issues about food onto their children? It’s just food!

So, having had the same problem here, although I am far from an expert, I would recommend trying:
Putting something he likes on his dinner plate with the dinner. In our case sweetcorn so at least he's eaten some 'dinner', praise for trying his dinner and then give toast or yoghurt. Gradually DC has started trying other stuff on the plate too, and honestly anything tried is good and it's taken months.

You could put a quarter of a slice of toast on his plate with dinner, tiny rest of dinner, say a couple of spoonfuls and say can have rest of toast after eaten that. Mine often decides he likes it after all but those two spoonfuls are enough. Praise accordingly for trying dinner.

Wait an hour or so after dinner if you have it early enough then give Wheetabix or toast, so it's less connected to dinner but he doesn't go to bed hungry. Been there, done that silly o clock wake ups to feed a banana and put back to bed!

Just let him have the toast and yoghurt. Its really not a big deal. He'll get bored of it eventually.

This. Takes all the stress and emotions out of it. Stops it being a battle.
And as someone else said, mix vitamins or whatever into the yoghurt.

So your 3 yo knew that he wasn't allowed to wake you in the night if he couldn't sleep and was hungry? I'm not sure that's something I'd be as proud as you are about

6 actually. They can wake me for any reason they like but not because they're hungry due to not eating the perfectly good dinner I made them that they liked last week. They learnt. Eat your dinner, or you will be hungry later. We are not starting a routine of chuck a strop because you don't want your dinner (that you have had before and liked!) and then wake me up to make you toast (Which they consider a treat) at 3 am.

Hell no. Not happening.

A childminder advised me to take away the partial eaten main meal, offer no alternatives & make no fuss.

This worked a treat.

I asked her afterwards did she do this with her own kids? she laughed and said "no, but i wish i had"

Anyone who says that a child will eventually eat if they are hungry have never had a genuinely fussy child.

I went through this with DD. Then I had some brilliant advice from my very supportive health visitor who suggested that I give DD two meals a day instead of trying to give her three meals. It worked.

That isn't the expert advice I've heard...

The "expert" approach I follow is "parents decide what to serve, kids decide what and how much to eat". Caveats: no short order cooking (e.g. no just making toast if they won't eat). And also ensure meals always have at least one "safe" food (that you know they like), plus whatever else you're serving, including pudding at the same time. And then if they don't like it, you say firmly "this is what we're having for dinner" and again do not short order cook toast/yoghurt. He'll figure it out after a few days that dinner is what's served.

We've had to do this with my daughter too as she was getting to the point of toast, cheese, yoghurt and fruit only. It has started to work, especially on days when we've made sure not to give too big of a snack after her nap, so she's a bit more hungry.

@TwilightSkies

Just let him have the toast and yoghurt. Its really not a big deal. He'll get bored of it eventually.

This. Takes all the stress and emotions out of it. Stops it being a battle.
And as someone else said, mix vitamins or whatever into the yoghurt.

I agree with taking the emotion out of it. But no not all kids get bored of a very limited diet.

My son became incredibly fussy around age 2 - following a terrible stomach bug (vomited up everything for around 2 weeks) - he could only manage very plain food and anything beyond that was refused or if attempted caused retching. The things that worked for us (and this took months) were distraction whilst eating (favourite tv show on; attention caught up in this so not to think about what was in his mouth) and reintroducing foods slowly (so main bulk of meal was safe food, accompanied by newer foods and a win was considered as one small bite of the new food). Had to then work on removing the distraction, but tbh it worked and it got him to eat again. My only advice is any progress is progress - aim for tiny changes and don’t set yourself (and him) up for failure by aiming too high! A friend of mine is a psychologist and spoke about ‘gradual exposures’ - ie start with something that he’s only reluctant to try rather than something that would make him heave, easy wins (eg cheese on toast, spoonful of beans….progress to one tiny bit of scrambled egg etc). Good luck - it sounds extremely hard and stressful - there’s no easy solution and will likely be a lot of trial and error as you figure out a way forward!

Toddlers are such drama queens
But the crawling under the table knowing you can’t get him out is actual bad behaviour.

I think you do need to really pull back on this, not because of the food specifically, but because he could be shaping up to be a really badly behaved child.

Offer dinner. He needs to take one bite before he can revert to toast. Then two, then three - work up over a few weeks. Eventually he needs to eat most of it.

If he won’t, and he wakes up crying in the night because he’s hungry - then offer him plan toast and butter or plain yogurt, not sugary stuff.

He has pulled a number on you, and you need to be tougher than average to pull it back.

I have noticed if I only offer water with the meal, my DD makes a big song and dance of not wanting to eat her tea but if I give her a cup of milk she will generally eat the food. I think it’s like...the comfort of knowing she’s got a cup of milk. At first I thought no, she’ll be just filling up on milk instead of her meal, but it’s been the opposite. She needs the safe, predictable milk at the table to feel comfortable to eat the meal. I’m going with it.

Get him involved in preparing the food with you. Then lots of fanfare about “Look what DC has made for everyone!” and how delicious it is.