To go against the "expert" advice

[halandpeeno]

I have a 3 year old, I thought he had grown out of the terrible twos but instead he has redoubled his efforts.
Every mealtime for the past year (at least) has been the same.
He takes one look at whatever we give him and says 'I DON'T LIKE IT'. Variations on this are 'I'M TOO BUSY TO EAT' and ' I DON'T FEEL WELL'.
The general wisdom is to ignore, not to make an issue out of it, still give dessert (normally yoghurt) or just give toast. We have done all of this.
So now he sits in front of the food and straight away says 'NO I'LL JUST HAVE DESSERT' or 'NO, TOAST PLEASE'.
Toast and yoghurt are his favourites so of course he is delighted that he can say no to his food and have these as alternatives. If we don't give him these we are up all night with a hungry child.
This happens if he is eating with just his brother or if we are sitting down to a family meal, which we do regularly. We model good eating habits, we praise, we ignore the bad behaviour. It has started to get to the stage where we won't even sit down to the table or will try to fling the food across the room.
Where the hell do we go from here?

@Clymene

It really isn't *@BoPeeple*

Do some reading about ARFID

But that’s clearly not what’s going on here, is it? (And funny how no one had ARFID in the 1950s.)

The kid likes toast and yogurt. If he doesn’t eat his dinner he gets… toast and yogurt. If he wakes up in the night he gets… toast and yogurt. Result.

Giving the same meal over and over to a child refusing risks building a very negative association around food, I’m surprised anyone is still doing this. Maybe go to the gp or speak to health visitor to get the recent advice.
At the end of the day toast and yoghurt is food. I agree try and get him to eat one mouthful of something else before getting the toast and build it up like that.

I can emphasise. I do a couple of things- I tell them they have to have a bite/spoonful of everything on the plate, which i serve in very small amounts. I give them a sticker on a post it note every time they try each thing on their plate. When they’ve done that, they can eat what they want from the plate and then have pudding,

I also put tv on for teatime.

(And funny how no one had ARFID in the 1950s.)

I think it's the huge range of foods we now eat which causes some toddler/children angst over food.

In the 50s there wasn't much food variety at all and even in the 80s/90s our meals were topped up with bread and butter as food was expensive and there was a lot of us. So it's not a fair comparison at all.

Good luck op. I have one that eats everything and one that is fussy but he's becoming gradually unfussier the older he gets. Don't engage in the drama. It's not worth the stress.

There’s a fantastic resource called solid starts- all about how to tackle fussy eating. I’m not affiliated at all, it’s US based, but the founder is really candid about her sons fussy eating and the impact it has on the whole family. It’s partly prevention-based but it features guides and advice from paediatricians and nutritionists so is also evidence based- I can’t recommend it highly enough!

Should have said they have a fab Instagram page, but also a website- the insta has been really helpful for my little one.

OP my eldest 25, she was a fantastic eater, my middle one is 'ok' and my youngest (5) was awful - she has got much better and will actually veg at meal times now but no meat. Her go to meal at the moment is plain pasta with butter, raw carrot, cucumber and broccoli. This is a vast vast improvement on when she was three.

Breakfast was a nightmare for me to just get her to eat something before school as her teacher was telling me she was hungry at school and they were giving her secret biscuits She was only eating the bread rolls at lunch time too...

When they are small food is the only thing they have control over. I never force food or make them feel like they have done something bad by not eating. They never get punished for not eating. They never get left to go hungry - ever.

My dd has a sweet tooth and would gladly eat chocolate for breakfast every day as in a spoonful of Nutella and a hand full of strawberries. A habit that derived from Nutella on toast on a Sunday until she scrapped the toast ( very cleverly bu asking for the Nutella on this side as she wanted to read it on and just wanted the Nutella. We are now at a croissant and strawberries.

I would give your ds a bowl full of berries/fruit to go with yogurt and toast. Thats a good breakfast any way.

Try soups like cauliflower soup as its white and creamy with a very mild taste.( my dd calls it white soup) as if she thinks cauliflower is in it she won't eat it) I put a bit of grated cheddar cheese in it for fat and serve it with a warm roll and butter. that goes down a treat.

Try really plain pasta and butter. with a few raw sweet veggies. Make a face out of the veggies.

And finish up with toast and yogurt/milk for supper.

Cut out snacks.

Dont make it a battle, they have only been on this earth 3 years, their taste buds are different to ours.

@roundtable

(And funny how no one had ARFID in the 1950s.)

I think it's the huge range of foods we now eat which causes some toddler/children angst over food.

In the 50s there wasn't much food variety at all and even in the 80s/90s our meals were topped up with bread and butter as food was expensive and there was a lot of us. So it's not a fair comparison at all.

Good luck op. I have one that eats everything and one that is fussy but he's becoming gradually unfussier the older he gets. Don't engage in the drama. It's not worth the stress.

Also the eating advice has changed massively. I was encouraged to start weening at 4 months with my now 25 year old. She was having stew, braised steak and mash/sunday dinners mashed up. I think the baby lead weening at six months is an issue tbh.

@roundtable

I think it’s more to do with how parenting has changed - not helped by so-called ‘experts’ telling people to give their kids toast if they don’t eat their dinner.

When my parents were kids you ate what was put in front of you, you didn’t have loads of snacks in between and you’d be told off if you made a fuss. So they just didn’t do it. There was no AFRID, or anything else.

I’m not saying it was perfect back then - some parenting was way too strict and I don’t think it’s ever right to force a child to eat something they don’t like or humiliate them by making them sit at the table for hours.

But we seem to have got into this style of parenting that puts the child in charge. We cajole, bribe and beg them to do what we want. I personally think it’s a damaging style of parenting, as you raise children who see how desperate you are for them to please you. If you get a strong-willed one who likes attention/control, you can then get yourself in a huge mess, whether that be with food, sleep, getting dressed or anything else.

All of my children went through slightly fussy stages of eating. I just gave them delicious, home-cooked food with no alternative and never entered into a discussion. Mealtimes were happy and relaxed, even if they didn’t eat. If they tried something and didn’t like it I would respect that and wouldn’t give it to them again (although I would encourage them to re-try it a few months later).

When you step away from your own anxieties it’s actually just common sense.

@Evesgarden

Yes, I think baby-led weaning has a lot to answer for.

I wouldn’t offer yogurt or toast. Mine would have just lived on that. Mine always have the option of supper if they don’t eat their dinner or they are still hungry after eating dinner but supper is veg crudités, hummus and oat cakes. So at least if they refuse dinner they are still getting healthy food.

@BoPeeple

Sorry, but that’s absolute rubbish, and insulting to the millions of children worldwide who actually are starving.

I was discussing this with a friend who used to work on development projects in Africa. They did get children becoming severely unwell because they refused to eat whatever the staple foodstuffs were in the region or the nutrition rich pastes and stuff provided by aid agencies. It’s not simply a case of ‘if they’re hungry enough they’d eat’, anywhere in the world.

have you tried a picnic style food?

So you and your children grew up immediately eating foods from around the world? Really?

The fussiest people I know that are in my closest circle (apart from toddlers) are my in-laws and my dad. Only eat a few meals on rotation - don't eat anything that's 'foreign'. I don't think that's particularly unusual either speaking with friends. Should I, when they are needing my care, deprive them of food that I want to them eat as I think they're too fussy? My DH was fussy when I met him. He's not now. I didn't change him by depriving him of food. I ate mine, ignored him and he gradually started trying bits of mine and realising he like it.

That's great that worked for you. But people are different. Perhaps op has an extensive menu? Perhaps she's a terrible parent as you are insinuating? Or maybe she's got a toddler who's behaving like a toddler and like some fully grown adults out there. It sounds like you were doing a version of mealtimes in the same way that lots of posters are saying though so I'm not sure why you are trying to make the op feel bad when she's at her wits end and asking for help.

My uncle didn't eat anything except milk and carrots as a child. He's in his 80s. I went to school with someone in the 70s who only ate weetabix and crisps so I don't think it's a modern issue.

I guess ignorant attitudes are a bit of a trigger for me as I have a child who wouldn't eat and I felt enormous pressure to follow the 'they'll eat if they're up hungry enough' advice. He didn't and ended up very underweight.

Thankfully I got medical help and he's fine now but I wish I hadn't listened to people who have no qualifications or training in eating issues because it really exacerbated things. Live and learn

But we seem to have got into this style of parenting that puts the child in charge

Well they should be allowed to choose what goes in to their own mouths. Its the ONLY thing they can control.

I just gave them delicious, home-cooked food with no alternative and never entered into a discussion

In your opinion it was delicious. Every one has different taste buds. And you have taken your parents authoritarian approach. I dont want to break my kids will.

Mealtimes were happy and relaxed, even if they didn’t eat

Its not really a meal time if one of your kids are not eating. They are just sat their watching other people eating.

If you read through your post @BoPeeple you are actually talking about breaking your childs will.

Serve him a bowl of whatever you are having alongside a piece of toast. Make no comment whatsoever - it's just out on the table in front of him. Serve your own food as a family and discuss amongst yourselves how wonderful and delicious it is, whilst ignoring him.
"Oh DH this stew you've made is just delicious. I could eat this all day" "DW don't you think this is the just the best thing I've ever made" general chit chat "MmmmMmmMmm I can't believe how good this is", don't look at him or engage.

He will either just eat the toast or start tentatively trying the stew (or whatever) to see what the fuss is about and try to be part of the conversation.
Worked a treat with my nephew. Within a short amount of time he'd eat a bit of the stew and be shouting "yes it's really tasty mommy" because he couldn't bear to not be involved in the chit chat.

I was talking to someone who has a cousin in his 40s who eats only peanut butter sandwiches. It’s not new now just not embarrassed

My parents were absolutely obsessed with what I ate. I'm 42 now and if I'm out for a meal, he still watches to make sure I eat all of my meat. I found meal times very, very stressful as a small child.

I decided to take a different approach with my kids. I acted like I literally couldn't care less what they ate. I made sure a food I knew they liked was available every meal time and didn't comment on whether they ate the rest of their food. I didn't allow my Dad (my mum had passed away by the time I had kids) to comment on what they ate when he came to visit.

They're now 8, 15 and 17 and have no issues around food. My DD doesn't eat a huge amount but what she does eat is varied. More importantly we didn't have miserable mealtimes analysing every crumb. I have noticed that all of my mum friends who are crumb watchers have much fussier kids.

@Evesgarden funny you say that. We were told by a children's food and nutrition specialist that she has seen a huge rise in eating resistance and difficulties with textures etc in youn children since the advice moved from 4 to 6months. She reckons a huge amount of processing and understanding of different textures happens in that period and by delaying weaning we are missing that vital step.

[quote Keladrythesaviour]@Evesgarden funny you say that. We were told by a children's food and nutrition specialist that she has seen a huge rise in eating resistance and difficulties with textures etc in youn children since the advice moved from 4 to 6months. She reckons a huge amount of processing and understanding of different textures happens in that period and by delaying weaning we are missing that vital step.[/quote]
I know anecdote is not data but we weaned early on medical advice, DS are anything and everything until he was about 2 and then became the fussiest child known to man and he’s still not outgrown it aged 7.

@mynameisnotmichaelcaine

My parents were absolutely obsessed with what I ate. I'm 42 now and if I'm out for a meal, he still watches to make sure I eat all of my meat. I found meal times very, very stressful as a small child.

I decided to take a different approach with my kids. I acted like I literally couldn't care less what they ate. I made sure a food I knew they liked was available every meal time and didn't comment on whether they ate the rest of their food. I didn't allow my Dad (my mum had passed away by the time I had kids) to comment on what they ate when he came to visit.

They're now 8, 15 and 17 and have no issues around food. My DD doesn't eat a huge amount but what she does eat is varied. More importantly we didn't have miserable mealtimes analysing every crumb. I have noticed that all of my mum friends who are crumb watchers have much fussier kids.

Ah god "eat your meat'!

I had parents like this.

My dd3 is a natural veggie. She could go for ever with out it.

I don't remember "experts" giving advice to give bread and butter, I just thought it was a good idea to get them to eat something simple myself. What I do remember is Dr Tanya Byron (who I think is brilliant) saying not to make mealtimes a battle, and I followed that advice.

After brief fussy phases, mine have always been good eaters. I didn't wait until 6 months to wean them though, DD2 in particular practically bit the spoon off when I started giving her pureed veg at 4 months.

I have noticed that all of my mum friends who are crumb watchers have much fussier kids.

Maybe they are crumb watchers because their kids are fussy?

Honestly, I don’t think there is any magic formula that creates or cures fussy eating, and different approaches are likely work with different kids.

My DS is monumentally uninterested in food (unless it’s sweets ) - I don’t think he has ever once told me he is hungry or been motivated to eat by hunger. He’s incredibly skinny, bordering on underweight. If I didn’t nag him about eating he simply wouldn’t bother. I’ve tried all the ‘division of responsibility’ stuff with him and he just doesn’t eat. So he has to be nagged. For other kids that might be counterproductive.

I resolved to let them determine their own appetite as well and never make them clear their plates. It just taught me to overeat from a young age.