I have a friend (j). She was going out with a lovely guy (R) for a couple of months but ended up dropping him. She called him 'stupid' (only to me but still) and told him he had to change the way he talked because it wasn't 'proper english' when they were going out, so he was trying to change his accent etc.
When she broke up with him she told him she couldn't believe he didn't have savings and that they could never go on the types of holidays she wanted to go on (he has a decent living, but he isn't money driven and also has a daughter who he supports financially. She was also incredulous he hadn't been to London before etc, and I think left him feeling a bit crap.
Fast forward six months and she decided she wanted to go him a go again because she's realised he's actually a really nice person compared to most people she dates and maybe the money thing doesn't matter (she is independently wealthy, has a big trust fund and also owns her house outright etc so can afford to pay more if they have a kid together). So they started seeing eachother, but he was initially reluctant because he said he felt he didn't have enough money for her. Instead of trying to reassure him she said he was being 'stupid' and took it as a big rejection even though she had initially given him this idea?
Anyway, eventually they get it together and spend a weekend together, but he ends it at the end saying they were too different. She's inconsolable, and sends me a ten minute crying voice note about. In the voice note, she says he said he was worried about her ever meeting his family, and she doesn't understand it, but at the same time says she heard his mum on the phone who 'sounded AWFUL - wasn't speaking proper English, was REALLY CHAVVY' etc, and also said that she just 'can't bring herself to like the kind of people that shop in B&M (!)' (even though she shops in B&M?), but that she would have comprimised for him etc. She said they'd had a conversation about their favourite pubs, and she said her favourite was a Raymond Blanc one and his was a carvery - she'd been incredulous and said 'what? those canteen things?'. She'd also called a garden ornament he'd said he liked 'cheap, plasticky and chavvy'. But she totally didn't get why he would come away feeling crap from that interaction.
I actually had to stop the voicenote halfway through as I just found it really hard to listen to. I hate snobbery in and of itself. It's just so lazy and reeks of insecurity. And on a personal note, I went to Oxford uni and sound posh but I grew up on a council estate and have a 'chavvy' family, as she'd put it. I felt she was speaking to the wrong audience.
I told her I found it hard to listen to and that I can see why he came away feeling like they weren't right together, and that I know she is a kind person but this kind of chat doesn't align with that for me. I've been quite gentle and kind about it, as much as I can, but she's turning it into a massive drama and saying 'why can't I have an opinion about a cheap plasticky garden ornament' and 'but I don't like chavs!' and she just won't see my perspective at all.
I've only known her a year but we've become quite close during that time. I have noticed she's unnecessarily harsh about people, and often to their faces. She has also fallen out with pretty much all of her friends and she doesn't really have any. I'm now thinking I can see why, as I'm starting to feel her anger turn on me but I couldn't just sit there and listen to this stuff. I get she's upset that they've broken up and I want to support her but she won't stop spouting this crap and they'd only been together again a week.
Am I being unreasonable?