Thanksgiving

[1967buglet]

I’m American, my partner is British, and we live in the UK. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. For the past several years, we haven’t celebrated because we have had to work. Fair enough. This year, though I went part time as I am retiring soon, and I said can we make a day of it and can you book one day off from work. Yes, sure, he said.

Well, he took off Friday, not Thursday (Thanksgiving) as I thought he would. He said we could have a nice tea on Thursday night then, and then have a long weekend. I may have gotten some crossed signals about which day he took off, so OK, fair enough. The tea is steak and frites (nice), but I’d like to have done the traditional feast. However, when I have in the past, he picked at the turkey and then disapproved when I had leftovers later. He doesn’t eat leftovers…each meal must be made from scratch. So, this was another reason I stopped celebrating it, because he let me know he didn’t enjoy the turkey much. It was well prepared…his mum ate the lot off the plate. I brined it and went to some trouble to prepare it well because he told me he thought turkey was dry, so his reaction was a little frustrating.

I don’t go back to America very much (twice in past 15 years, once for my dad’s funeral, once for work) as I don’t have close family. I don’t do anything much reflective of my culture …. No Halloween celebration, no American sports (only cricket for him), Christmas dinner is British, we eat British food almost entirely. I cook the Christmas lunch British style for him and his mom…they usually want ham because they like the way I make it, so I’ll fix that for them with sprouts and the rest traditional British sides, with roast potatoes, Christmas pudding, etc. I might get a few American sweets at Christmas, like Hershey’s chocolate, but that’s about it, so I don’t make him do/eat anything American.

AIBU that I’d like DH to have a proper Thanksgiving meal with me once a year? I guess I’m figuring it is one day I can be American a little bit and do something I grew up with. I miss it.

I feel for you, OP. I am American and my husband has been dry brining a 22 pound turkey since Sunday, and we've got a full house of relatives coming with everybody bringing the same dishes they bring every year. I don't know if non-Americans can understand what it means to us, that it can be even more important than Christmas because--just because it is. I don't think you are being at all unreasonable to expect your husband, having married someone from another country, to celebrate a single holiday of her country once a year with her in a gracious and appreciative manner, OP. Sending a gravy boat of good thoughts your way.

You definitely deserve to have Thanksgiving. Here we have some American friends and every year a group of us celebrate Thanksgiving so they don't feel alone so far from home. We go to great efforts to include everything they associate with the day and it means a lot even to their families back home to know they are not abandoned. Unfortunately due to Covid we couldn't do it last year or this year. Surely your dh could suffer turkey for one day and who doesn't love leftovers?
Happy Thanksgiving..l feel for you.

Just thought..do you know any other Americans near you? Could you start to plan a get together each Thanksgiving from now on. Plan your own celebrations and make it into an occasion especially if you will be retired.

YANBU, OP, he should be willing to share your traditions. I’m British married to an American. As we currently live in the US, Thanksgiving is a big holiday and but I won’t ignore it if we move back to the UK one day. Has your DH ever celebrated in the US? Perhaps he doesn’t realize how important it is to Americans?

Moving to a different country doesn’t mean you need to forget your heritage. Celebrate tomorrow evening g and enjoy the long weekend…but make sure he takes the Thursday off next year.

He ‘disapproved’ of you eating leftovers? Why? That doesn’t sound good at all.

Make yourself a lovely turkey thanksgiving dinner and let him cook himself a fresh meal from scratch! And if he doesn’t want to eat leftovers he doesn’t have to, but don’t let him stop you from doing it.

Perhaps you and your MIL can enjoy a Thanksgiving dinner and leave him out! I do sympathise, OP. I’m American with a British husband, living in England. Some years we go all out and make a traditional American Thanksgiving dinner but this time we’re just making a pie!

We're Brits living in the USA and we still do British things--watch televised cricket, eat English food. I know quite a few Americans in the UK who still do Thanksgiving. It's your culture; enjoy it! (We also celebrate Thanksgiving, because it's really actually very nice to have a big meal and watch TV and not worry about having to buy anyone any presents.)

Also to be quite honest I think your DH is being a bit precious. Plenty of British people have turkey for Christmas dinner; what would he do if he'd married someone who makes that every Christmas? Just insist she make his style of Christmas lunch every year? He can fill up on sides like all the Americans I've met who admit they really don't like turkey all that much.

By the way if he wants a made from scratch meal every night I sure hope he's mad

(damn it, accidental submit!) - I hope he's taking his turn making it and not expecting you to cook it every evening!

YANBU OP, Happy Thanksgiving and I hope you enjoy it the best you can. Can you find the parades on the web to help get in the mood? Though realise it's DH who isn't getting into the swing of things so much..

I'm British and my DH is American and I always try my best with the US holidays (4th July, Thanksgiving). I'm making a pumpkin pie later (wish me luck!). Sending you a virtual slice

I think your partner is being incredibly unkind. Your traditions matter as much, if not a bit more than his, given that he’s literally surrounded by his culture and you’re living in another country.

Is there anything important that he takes time to recognize from your traditions, or is it always his way?

agree with PP, cook the turkey, if he doesn't want to eat leftovers, let him sort his own meals.
If you do want to compromise, what about a rolled turkey breast?

happy thanksgiving

Why are you allowing things to be dictated by him? If he doesn’t want leftovers, he can cook from scratch for himself. Why are you allowing him to control everything?

I love Thanksgiving - more so than Christmas. I’m British and live in the US with my American husband (although I have also naturalized so strictly speaking I’m an American too now) and I’d be very disappointed if he tried to dictate things like this about a holiday that was important to me. He knew he was marrying a woman from a different county, what did he expect concerning holidays that are important to you but meaningless to him?

Happy Thanksgiving op. I'm British and have never celebrated Thanksgiving, but having been introduced to an American church via zoom by an American friend I have been joining them for services on Sundays for the last year and this afternoon at 4pm I hope to celebrate with them at their 10am service. Maybe you could search Facebook groups and try to find something like that you could join virtually.

Your dh sounds like a 'his way or nothing' kind of person which is pretty thoughtless and joyless and tedious. I think your wishes are entirely reasonable and by expecting to bend not one inch for anyone else unless it suits him (why should he care if you eat left overs) he's being an arse. He sounds inconsiderate.

OP. Happy Thanksgiving to you. I hope you can find some joy in the celebration this year.

Your DH sounds like a fun sponge. Have a serious conversation with him and set out what you need from him. Be explicit.

What a miserable, selfish sod!

Next year I would be giving Thanks for having got rid of the joyless bugger!

Happy Thanksgiving OP.

Leftovers are the best part of Thanksgiving! He sounds kind of controlling. There's no reason why there can't be a compromise; why can't you have both British and American sides for Christmas? And why can't you celebrate Halloween? You don't have to have a party and he doesn't have to wear a costume, but you could wear a costume and pass out candy to trick-or-treaters.

YNBU. He is being unfair. I am an American and been here 20+ years and still get homesick on thanksgiving.

We always have a ready meal thanksgiving on Thursday. Usually marks has the Christmas stuff out and one can be improvised.

Thanksgiving meal is on Saturday. This year we have rented a house with other Americans for a weekend. Then dd and I had a whopping covid contact so we’re waiting on pcr. And I’ll be devastated if we can’t go, because it’s thanksgiving.

You need to skip your DH abs invite friends on Saturday. IME, brits love a thanksgiving invite.

I've been thinking of this while walking the dog! (yes really) I understand that for you there are pivotal moments in your history, cultural celebrations etc that are important, and it would be nice if he could join in. BUT most British people just don't get it, I have genuinely been asked by Americans if I am celebrating thanksgiving or the 4th of July! Clearly I don't. It would make as much sense as me celebrating Bastille Day. When I was growing up Halloween just did not exist, it was a non day.BTW do you celebrate Guy Fawkes night? Because that was the big November celebration, if you can call it that!
As for the food, I really dislike turkey and don't eat it even at Xmas. I suspect that I am coming across as an old curmudgeon, a bit like your DH in fact! I find it tasteless and only good for a curry the next day.
The same goes for American sports, most British people just aren't that interested, We have cricket, football, Rugby (both union and league)so really there is no need to watch baseball/American football.
I'm just trying to give you a different perspective on this. There are lots of things I don't celebrate because it has little meaning for me, I suspect that you are really suffering from homesickness and I understand that. I feel homesick for where I was born, perhaps you need to put it in those terms and find a way to feel better about that? If you can get together with your fellow citizens and have your own celebration.

Really cruel of him. Traditions take on extra meaning when you’re not in your home country. There’s a chance he doesn’t get it but you should only have to tell him it’s important to you and then that be it. I’m not American, none of my family and friends are, yet we’re having a “friends-giving” as it’s such a lovely concept. Like Christmas but truly for friends and family because the gift pressure is removed. I think you should prepare the meal you want and let him sulk if he needs to. He doesn’t have to have leftovers if he doesn’t want to does he? All the more for you!

Happy Thanksgiving OP!

I think your idea to mark Thanksgiving each year is lovely and he should be making the effort to join in with you. If he doesn't want to, I will come!

We are not American but we love any excuse to celebrate so we mark Thanksgiving each year in my house. We usually have turkey and all the sides although we are having a different American style meal this year as we're out for another roast dinner at the weekend. We love it!

He sabotages your day in small ways at every opportunity. The wrong day off, having steak instead of the traditional turkey, picking around at the turkey when you've made it before, quietly demonstrating his disapproval.

Its all so passive aggressive and controlling. Thanksgiving is so important to Americans, I can't imagine being married to someone who wanted to ignore and erase who I was.

Happy Thanksgiving OP!

This sounds really annoying - does he not understand the importance of it in your American culture? I must admit I was naive and didn't until I lived with two Americans at university, it was like a holy day to them! I had no idea how excited they got for it, but once I did realise we all joined in (sweet potato casserole with marshmallows was my favourite ever thing they taught me!).

It seems like he doesn't place any importance on your side of the relationship when it comes to bringing in "traditions" but will happily stick to British ones. It's definitely not fair if you're willing to assimilate to his culture but he's not willing to make the same efforts back. He either doesn't understand there's "American" culture or doesn't care, I hope it's the former. I think you need to start putting red zone on rather loudly this Sunday, and perhaps fix up the basketball schedule on the fridge! Could you arrange a trip to the USA for next year to perhaps introduce him to some customs you'd like him to join in with?

That's awful OP. If I lived abroad in a country that didn't celebrate Christmas, married to someone from that culture, I would fully expect my spouse to join me in the traditions. Just as I would enjoy learning their traditions for other festivals.

Your husband sounds very mean, is he as bad about other things?