Thanksgiving

[1967buglet]

I’m American, my partner is British, and we live in the UK. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. For the past several years, we haven’t celebrated because we have had to work. Fair enough. This year, though I went part time as I am retiring soon, and I said can we make a day of it and can you book one day off from work. Yes, sure, he said.

Well, he took off Friday, not Thursday (Thanksgiving) as I thought he would. He said we could have a nice tea on Thursday night then, and then have a long weekend. I may have gotten some crossed signals about which day he took off, so OK, fair enough. The tea is steak and frites (nice), but I’d like to have done the traditional feast. However, when I have in the past, he picked at the turkey and then disapproved when I had leftovers later. He doesn’t eat leftovers…each meal must be made from scratch. So, this was another reason I stopped celebrating it, because he let me know he didn’t enjoy the turkey much. It was well prepared…his mum ate the lot off the plate. I brined it and went to some trouble to prepare it well because he told me he thought turkey was dry, so his reaction was a little frustrating.

I don’t go back to America very much (twice in past 15 years, once for my dad’s funeral, once for work) as I don’t have close family. I don’t do anything much reflective of my culture …. No Halloween celebration, no American sports (only cricket for him), Christmas dinner is British, we eat British food almost entirely. I cook the Christmas lunch British style for him and his mom…they usually want ham because they like the way I make it, so I’ll fix that for them with sprouts and the rest traditional British sides, with roast potatoes, Christmas pudding, etc. I might get a few American sweets at Christmas, like Hershey’s chocolate, but that’s about it, so I don’t make him do/eat anything American.

AIBU that I’d like DH to have a proper Thanksgiving meal with me once a year? I guess I’m figuring it is one day I can be American a little bit and do something I grew up with. I miss it.

You have a dh problem for sure!
My dh and my children are American. We honour all the holidays. Celebrate not always traditionally but celebrate. Last night we made pumpkin cookies and later we have turkey crafts to do. Tonight we won’t have turkey cos dh and kids don’t like it but candied yams and potatoes and such are on the menu.
I also decorate with decor I found online some years ago.

Happy thanksgiving yanbu

YANBU. Enjoy Thanksgiving!

Your husband sounds extremely selfish.

Happy Thanksgiving OP!

well he sounds like a complete kill joy.

My dh is Dutch, we live in UK.
We celebrate Dutch events, and go to great lengths to source Dutch treats.
5th December we will be doing SinterKlaas.

It is one of the joys of a cross cultural marriage that you enjoy and celebrate both cultures.

I have no Americans in my family, but I know prefectly well how important Thanksgiving is. He is being deliberately obtuse.

And the - not eating left-over turkey is just weird, that is what most of the UK live off for a week after Christmas, and he knows that.

I find your description frankly a little unerving, he sounds veyr passive agressive.

Time for a serious talk.
And some American lessons.
And stop squashing your culture. This year, make Christmas and American one. Get his mum on board, she sounds more accommodating.

I think you need to be clearer with him how important it is to you to have a traditional American thanksgiving next year. Probably too late this year obviously. To be fair to him I can see his point of view that it makes more sense having the Friday off work and making it a long weekend, but I'm saying that as a British person who has never had thanksgiving.

If he's at work today and you're not, crack open some Pabst Blue Ribbon (you can definitely get it in Tesco) and fire up some old NASCAR races on Youtube.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I am really sorry that you have not been encouraged or supported in celebrating your own traditions. Fair enough if you don't want to but you obviously do and you sound a bit apologetic about it but please don't. I know for some, Thanksgiving is more important than Christmas. Be proud of the heritage and traditions you grew up with and whilst you may not be able to continue everything, you certainly should be encouraged to do it much more than this. Your husband sounds very selfish, sorry. Your cooking sounds amazing and if he doesn't like the turkey, he can lump it! Don't get me started on not eating left overs. Please make the celebrations you would like and I really hope you visit US again soon and more regularly if that's what you want.

Happy Thanksgiving OP

Your DH sounds energy sapping and miserable - why does everything have to happen his way?

The reason I don't like turkey is the whole eating it for a week after Xmas! I mean who wants to torture themselves by doing that?

I wouldn’t cook Christmas dinner for for this selfish sod. Let him cook for his mum.

Buglet I'm American married to a Brit, we're doing the big shebang tomorrow night. PM me, you are welcome at our table, no one should be alone for Thanksgiving - especially with a controlling miserable git like your husband. I mean - I understand if he maybe doesn't like leftovers but what kind of person disapproves of someone else eating leftovers?! The leftovers are even better than the meal, for crying out loud.

For comparison, my DH is British, has never lived in the States, and has got cover and changed his work shifts around to do the big meal tomorrow night. He enters fully into my traditions as I do into his, we are a dual culture family.

Is everything else ok? I get the feeling that this is the tip of the iceberg...

Hi OP! If you’re on FB there’s an expat group called American Women in the U.K. I bet you could find some lovely women close-ish to wherever you are.

Happy Thanksgiving!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING @1967buglet !!!

Your husband comes across as unkind, uncaring, selfish, entitled, joyless, miserable, a stick in the mud....... and altogether not very nice! Most reasonable people, if they were married to someone from a different culture and took them away from their homeland, would do everything possible to try and help them maintain a connection.

You seem very isolated snd alone. Do you not have friends, be they Brits or Americans? Why not arrange your own Thanksgiving dinner for Saturday? Let him sulk if he wants to...

As for not eating leftovers???!!! No, just no - let this be HIS problem. Can you become more assertive, less compliant with his ridiculous wants, more independent?

Your husband doesn't sound very nice. At his age though he is unlikely to change. Can you try to make some American friends?

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving, OP.

He sounds like an absolute joy void. You're not asking for much! Not taking the right day off to celebrate with you, not approving of leftovers (!), requiring all meals to be cooked from scratch, expecting his Christmas dinner to be just so. I feel for you stuck with such a dull stickler.

Speak to him frankly and tell him you're sick of the things he values being given precedence.

You deserve turkey and pecan pie and that weird sweet potato and marshmallow thing and whatever else your heart desires. You and your traditions matter too.

Your partner sounds very unkind

I would try to find some local Americans to celebrate with

Also do an American Christmas this year! It's not only about him.

Happy thanksgiving if luck is with me I’ll be with my American next year he can celebrate every all he wants.

@Holothane

Happy thanksgiving if luck is with me I’ll be with my American next year he can celebrate every all he wants.

I'd actually love an extra holiday to celebrate

My SIL is American and her DH makes thanksgiving dinner for her every year. Make yourself some Turkey and let him make his own food while you scoff the leftovers.

Happy Turkey Day OP!! I'm an American living in the UK and I miss Thanksgiving so much. I don't bother trying to celebrate it here for a variety of reasons, but I'd love to celebrate it again someday.

Your husband is being rigid and unkind in not supporting you in this, but it's possible that some PP are right and he's too old to change. I suppose you could try super-clear communication--"You need to book off Thursday; we WILL be eating turkey and then having leftovers of it the next day; we WILL be making turkeys by tracing our hands onto coloured paper..." Lots of Americans don't like turkey all that much, but the point of Thanksgiving IMO is the sides anyway!

Is your husband generally lacking in empathy and support towards you, or is this a particular blind spot?

But, yeah, you might be able to find some other Americans in your area to celebrate with. I hope you have a better T-giving next year.

Do all the Americans living in the UK celebrate Guy Fawkes night?

@loislovesstewie It's not about the holiday, it's about acknowledging your spouse's heritage and traditions. In a cross-cultural marriage, as someone eloquently put it, that's what you do. Thanksgiving doesn't mean much to me, tbh, but I celebrate because it does mean alot to DH and now our children.

Thanksgiving is probably the most important holiday here in the US, it can't be compared to Guy Fawkes, it's more like Christmas for Christians.

Although many Brits here celebrate Guy Fawkes, I've been to loads of bonfire parties!

OK, I was asking if it was a two way thing for Americans who live in the UK to take part in activities which are seen as typically English/British. BTW I get that thanksgiving is seen as being a huge thing for Americans, I said that in my first comment. I also get that for many non-Americans it just isn't a thing at all. A bit like Halloween, unknown when I was a kid, we didn't trick or treat, became popular and now, where I live no-one really bothers.

@loislovesstewie I didn't know Thanksgiving existed until I met my DH!

I think it's fairly typical for immigrants to join in with cultural celebrations in their new homeland, so I imagine many Americans do celebrate Guy Fawkes in the UK - what's not to love about a bonfire and fireworks. .

I just think the OP's DH is being unkind regarding Thanksgiving, it sounds as if he's someone who always has to do things "his way."

@loislovesstewie

OK, I was asking if it was a two way thing for Americans who live in the UK to take part in activities which are seen as typically English/British. BTW I get that thanksgiving is seen as being a huge thing for Americans, I said that in my first comment. I also get that for many non-Americans it just isn't a thing at all. A bit like Halloween, unknown when I was a kid, we didn't trick or treat, became popular and now, where I live no-one really bothers.

Yes, it is a two-way thing. Americans are, in fact, capable of understanding and enjoying local traditions.