Thanksgiving

[1967buglet]

I’m American, my partner is British, and we live in the UK. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. For the past several years, we haven’t celebrated because we have had to work. Fair enough. This year, though I went part time as I am retiring soon, and I said can we make a day of it and can you book one day off from work. Yes, sure, he said.

Well, he took off Friday, not Thursday (Thanksgiving) as I thought he would. He said we could have a nice tea on Thursday night then, and then have a long weekend. I may have gotten some crossed signals about which day he took off, so OK, fair enough. The tea is steak and frites (nice), but I’d like to have done the traditional feast. However, when I have in the past, he picked at the turkey and then disapproved when I had leftovers later. He doesn’t eat leftovers…each meal must be made from scratch. So, this was another reason I stopped celebrating it, because he let me know he didn’t enjoy the turkey much. It was well prepared…his mum ate the lot off the plate. I brined it and went to some trouble to prepare it well because he told me he thought turkey was dry, so his reaction was a little frustrating.

I don’t go back to America very much (twice in past 15 years, once for my dad’s funeral, once for work) as I don’t have close family. I don’t do anything much reflective of my culture …. No Halloween celebration, no American sports (only cricket for him), Christmas dinner is British, we eat British food almost entirely. I cook the Christmas lunch British style for him and his mom…they usually want ham because they like the way I make it, so I’ll fix that for them with sprouts and the rest traditional British sides, with roast potatoes, Christmas pudding, etc. I might get a few American sweets at Christmas, like Hershey’s chocolate, but that’s about it, so I don’t make him do/eat anything American.

AIBU that I’d like DH to have a proper Thanksgiving meal with me once a year? I guess I’m figuring it is one day I can be American a little bit and do something I grew up with. I miss it.

@loislovesstewie. Yes, many Americans get heavily involved with British traditions as it’s a part of our OH’s culture we wouldn’t want them to miss out on. That can include abiding the rubbery pancakes on pancake day and Christmas pudding . He can suck it up for one day a year as it is the only main served at thanksgiving and if he doesn’t like it maybe he can just be polite and notice how important the day is to his DW and slip it to the dog/bin if it’s really so dry and horrible.

Yes I'm trying to imagine an American telling her partner they can't have a traditional Christmas dinner because Christmas pudding is gross. Or they don't like geese. Or sprouts.

@dreamingbohemian. I can imagine the cold stares from the PIL now when I refuse to take an overcooked sprout or a spoonful of Xmas pud . It’s one dinner. DH will survive.

There's loads of traditional British foods I don't like, in fact I really don't like either christmas cake or christmas pudding and I won't eat a mince pie unless it's more pastry than filling. Would never, ever say that to MIL who cooks all these things beautifully and I eat a bit once a year. It's tradition.

Yes exactly!

I would struggle with quite a few elements of traditional Christmas dinners in the UK but it's one meal, I would just keep it to myself

But I wouldn't want you to suffer because you didn't like the food! I would be upset that I wasn't providing something that you could enjoy and in fact I would ask you specifically if you liked mince pies, Xmas pud etc and provide an alternative that you do like. I do that all the time for my family.

OP here. Yes, I celebrate Guy Fawkes and Pancake Day, and Boxing Day, and all the other things with him. I’ve really done my best to assimilate into British culture (I actually teach British history for a living, so, well, the Life in the UK test was pretty easy for me). You’ve all given me something to think about…I’m in a pretty isolated rural area with no Americans around, and yes, I’m homesick. We don’t have much family…just his mum. She’s great. She’s 89 and still lively. All the other parents have passed, and there are no siblings on either side, and we don’t have kids…the latter was a mutual choice. I didn’t have the best modelling for parenting, so decided best I didn’t parent myself, and he wasn’t interested at all. So, it is probably about being a bit lonely too. I don’t drive, always took the bus into work, but the bus stop is 2 miles away, so I have to walk it or he has to drive me. And with the pandemic, I’m just not going out…haven’t been out much since it started, and it probably is getting to me a little bit.

The leftovers thing baffles me, but he’s never wanted them. He and I share cooking, but it does mean I can’t double batch and freeze. It took the pandemic for him to accept frozen meat…he wanted it fresh from the butcher who delivers, but who had to stop in the pandemic. He’s particular about food, so we very seldom go out to eat.

Anyhow, thanks for your comments, and I’ll be more direct for next year about him taking a day off and order the stuff for the dinner. It is one meal, he can eat sides, and he’ll live through it. Have a Happy Thankgiving everyone. You’ll all been very kind. Take care.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Definitely be more direct next time

You sound very isolated. I don't know if there's anything you can do to improve that, but in the meantime your partner should be more supportive.

Happy Thanksgiving OP. I hope it went well.
I've been messaging my friends in the US all afternoon.
We are Americans too, I made the pies early this morning, but the dinner is Chicken, not turkey, Older kids are working and Dd had an exam, so were overloading on pumpkin pies and cream after a chicken dinner.

@1967buglet....... you sound so sad and alone. Is there no way you can get out of the rut you seem to be in, be less isolated, pursue your own interests, make some friends?

As a first step, can you learn to drive? If it is daunting, get an automatic.

Happy Thanksgiving!!!
We lived in CA for 10 years and came back 10 years and we still celebrate Thanksgiving every year. Hope you get to celebrate the way the you want to next year, otherwise come to us.

British wife to an American husband here, and I figured, he moved over here, the least I can do is cook a turkey and make filthy green bean casserole once a year!
We can't actually do the meal tonight so he woke up to pumpkin pie for breakfast and the full shebang will be at the weekend.
That is very little to do for someone you love. Your husband needs to give his head a wobble.
Happy Thanksgiving to you.

Yes, I would definitely consider learning to drive with an automatic...my DH also struggles with manual and I'm so out of practice that we now hire an automatic car when visiting family and friends in the UK!

Oh, and we've NEVER eaten the sweet potato/marshmallows monstrosity! We've been offered it at a friend's house, but it's definitely a regional thing and we're on the East Coast. Urgh.

I’m not a big fan of the sweet potato/marshmallow thing myself.
I can even take or leave the green bean casserole, but the mashed potatoes, turkey, cranberry sauce, and pumpkin pie for me are wonderful.

I did drive in the States, even a stick shift (manual), but the twisty roads and roundabouts in the UK terrify me. I’m not a confident driver and have never been, but it did have consequences. My bus commute to work was 3 hours return, and I did that for eight years…it was one of the reasons I retired early.

I’ll admit that with the commute and the demands of the job which were stressful and nonstop, my social life was on the back burner for a very long time. My fault. The last bus back home was at 9 pm, so evening events in town with colleagues were not really a possibility. But I did go to conferences (I was an academic) and am on some boards of some charities, and that gives interaction if not close friendship. But after COVID, all that became online, and it is cheaper for the charities and more eco-friendly to keep it that way, so fair enough.

Hopefully after COVID, I can resume a bit of travel and being out and about, and the feelings of isolation will diminish a bit, and, well, I can be more turkey proactive . Thanks to all again for your kindness and concern. Have a good weekend.

I hate to tell you this, OP, but roundabouts have been introduced state-side now, at least on the East Coast. We have several in our area and it's terrifying, because anyone who learned to drive over 10 years ago has no idea how to behave! People are in the wrong lanes, not signaling, etc. My DD (16) is being taught how to navigate them, but older drivers have no clue.

I absolutely get that the twisty roads and roundabouts in the UK can be terrifying if you are used to the wide open roads and freeways of the US!

However, trust me on this, they are actually LESS terrifying if you are behind the wheel as opposed to bring a helpless passenger And once you get used to roundabouts you'll never want to go back to 4-way stops...

Why not have a few driving lessons in an automatic? Ask around and interview a few instructors and go with someone who is patient and has a good record with scared learners.

@loislovesstewie

So basically I would have to eat something I hated just to please a man?

Don't be so obtuse!

He doesn't have to eat the turkey but he shouldn't be vetoing it in the family home.

He should be supporting the op in celebrating her culture, taking the right day off, not moping about being miserable about the food. If he doesn't like turkey he can have the other it's if the meal or have a different meat himself.

Similarly he knows of the holiday, it doesn't matter whether it's important to all Americans or whether other British people know of it, it's important to HIS wife so he should make an effort.

All your comments are about you and your feelings in the guise of trying to put another side across, all of which is pointless when dealing with a husband/wife scenario. If it matters to one half of the partnership the other should support them if they care about them.

Happy Thanksgiving op I hope you find a way to celebrate to remind you of home

This has made me sad. I’m British (Asian) and my DH has the same ethnic background as me but is American. I moved here to the US for grad school and stayed for DH. Thanksgiving is a big deal partly because holidays are quite rare in the US. This is one of the few longer ones we have. We don’t do traditional food partly because we are mostly vegetarian so I did Mexican food. Happy Thanksgiving! Despite the problematic origins of the holiday itself this is one of my favourite American traditions.

mmm... I think there's just some crossed signals here. You've said you didn't bother celebrating Turkey Day for 7 years but now you want the day to be very special -- that's why he didn't get it.

next year make sure you plan carefully and tell him the plan. Recruit your MIL sounds like she's good company & can get it. also, Get a turkey crown & enjoy manageable amounts of leftovers yourself.

I agree that the British phobia of "too many leftovers" is both humours & peculiar. We don't celebrate TG, not every American misses it.

I seem to be a tiny minority that thinks that a holiday celebration to celebrate the Indigenous pillage, massacre and land theft of the natives by Europeans is in poor taste.

And it's sad that history has been so rewritten (by white Americans and Europeans) that it's been basically wiped from the history of this day.

@mythicalcow That's not the point of this thread, this is about cross-cultural relationships.

@mythicalcow

I seem to be a tiny minority that thinks that a holiday celebration to celebrate the Indigenous pillage, massacre and land theft of the natives by Europeans is in poor taste.

And it's sad that history has been so rewritten (by white Americans and Europeans) that it's been basically wiped from the history of this day.

Like many holidays, thanksgiving has long been divested from its origins. Thanksgiving is a celebration of family and gratitude. There are no gifts. The actual celebration has not been tainted by excessive commercialism because all you need for it is good food and family recipes. It is about as pure of a holiday as you can get in this modern era.

Yes, the origins of Thanksgiving are problematic.

On the other hand, Christmas and Easter aren't so innocent either, and yet many people in Britain celebrate them as secular holidays.

I don't love turkey, but the sides are delicious. There's plenty to eat. I've learned to make sweet potatoes but not the marshmallow monstrosity, and no green bean casserole either I've seen all sorts of spins on Thanksgiving day food from my friends and neighbours depending on where they are from. My Black neighbours serve macaroni cheese with their turkey, and sweet potato pie.

DriftingBlue--Your restraint and tact is exceptional.