Expectations of adult step children

[PerfectlyImperfectme]

Hi.
I wondering if me / my family are out of touch here or my partner & his adult children are.
Been the ptr 5 years - his 'boys' are 21,23 & 25.
Background - I will say now I think they both (ptr & exw) have babied the boys & as a result there's a level of entitlement I'd not expect to see in anyone over mid teens. I'm not ow & when we meet up / they come over we get on great. But they require collecting and dropping back. Mom doesn't like them getting public transport & so they are not familiar with it. They all have licenses but no car, mom has car but doesn't want them driving to ours in it or late night.

My problem. Their mother still buys card for them to give ptr & buys token gifts, all v obvious as generic from m&s. All sign the one card. 2 eldest have Gfs of 3+ years.
I'm yet to make it onto the Christmas card he receives.
Ptr is a bit upset by there lack of effort but hadn't spoken to them & continues to make excuses.
I know some boys are a bit slow on the uptake of adult life & making time or putting effort into things but I know they do it for their mother & gfs. All down tools & come home from work / uni on her birthday.
I feel ptr needs to talk / show them the way he expects to be treated. I think by the time you get to 20 you should be able to buy a card & post it to your Dad on his birthday without mom prompting or all 3 having to sign the one card.
My family for info - we all were taught the importance of making people feel loved & special on their day & Christmas. We sent our own cards by 16, granted my brother needed reminding but he stil got his own. We starting giving small gifts from ourselves around the same age.
I don't want to keep mentioning as my ptr is aware but how do I / can I influence change ?
I'm a bit too blunt & my answer would be to send them a single Christmas addressed to all, same with gifts and see if the penny drops lol... But I guess that's mean.

Sorry it's so long & rambly - I don't want to cross swords with anyone but I'd like my ptr treated more fairly as an equal parent

I dont understand why you are taking this on as your issue. They sound a bit gormless and babied but compared to some things you see in the world, it doesn't strike me as a massive problem. They aren't rude to you or their dad. Does this all actually stem from your name not being on the xmas card?

I don't want to cross swords with anyone but I'd like my ptr treated more fairly as an equal parent
You're overstepping massively here. If your partner has an issue, hes a grown man and can raise it. If he doesnt, it's none of your business.

I'd like my ptr treated more fairly as an equal parent

Is he an equal parent though? I have DC of similar ages who have lived with (just) me since they were young. Their relationship with me is very different form their relationship with their father.

"ptr?".

I am assuming ptr stands for partner, 3scape

I get where you’re coming from. But I think I’d ignore it - I don’t think it should have a massive impact on you/your life/your relationship with your partner and his kids. You say you get on well - that says more than whether they include you on a card or how many cards your partner gets from them. I’d just put it to the side. If it bothers your partner let him raise it but I wouldn’t get involved.

FWIW some people never get that good at thinking about presents/cards for bdays and Christmas. I’ve got friends who forget my birthday and just don’t take it personally - they’re great friends in every other way. I know it’s different from how you might be (and you say how your family are with recognising special occasions) but that’s just how some people are.

They’re the product of their upbringing by both parents and I’m afraid the time has long since past for your partner to change their approach to him. They’re grown adults.

It’s not your place to comment on this, least of all repeatedly. If he was bothered he’d have tackled it with them long before you came along to criticise them.

All families operate in different ways and it’s irrelevant what yours did. I’m in your camp btw, we model generosity and thoughtfulness to my step kids and our daughter though she’s only very young. But you have to start early.

Stop letting it bother you. He’s fine enough with the status quo and you going on about it will be adding to his upset over it.

Other than I can understand you being out out that you haven’t made it onto cards yet, this has absolutely nothing to do with you.

*put out

@HipTightOnions
Absolutely equal - regular contact, financial support, was in family home until 6 years ago - since then regular time, uni visits, trips etc

@mynameismaybe
I accept it's not the biggest problem but it's regular given birthdays, Christmas, events happen throughout the year.
My ptr lacks the voice to speak up to them especially the eldest as there is an underlying guilt at splitting - despite exw instigating it.

But thank you

Not your kids. Not your business.

Its really none of Your business.

@AnneLovesGilbert
Thank you - I'm trying. They are good guys I just find it a bit alien & embarrassing that Mom stil does so much when they are clever & capable.

@Chocolatewheatos
@ZeroFuchsGiven

That's a quick easy swipe to take. Absolutely not my kids but as part of my house / extended family I'm allowed to feel how I do.
People would be quick enough to criticise if I didn't include & make them feel welcome in my home. It's a 2 way street not all give from one and take from the other

It sounds like both parents have failed to bring their offspring up to be responsible for themselves as adults. And that’s resulted in selfish, inconsiderate and immature adults.

Their mother doesn’t like them using public transport? WTF? That isn’t normal to think like that for NT adults.

If they weren’t taught that pocket money doesn’t just go on treats for yourself, but also has to buy gifts for family members at birthdays and Xmas, then that’s the start of it. And they just don’t give a shit about anyone other than themselves.

Nothing you can do about it. Except to refuse to pander to the infantilisation of these men.

I also feel sorry for their GF.

I agree, its nothing to do with you and you should stay out of it.
It is very rare for adult children to have perfectly equal relationships with their parents especially if the parents divorced at some point.
I know it can be hurtful if they’re doing birthday and Christmas things for their mother but not their father (your partner), but that is only something he can address in his relationships with them.

@Chocolatewheatos

Not your kids. Not your business.

A standard MN response, unless the woman is actually going to (for example) buy a present for her own child. Then it’s all ‘won’t anyone think of the poor (adult) stepchildren’.

I think I’m this situation, you just need to accept that their mother treats them like they’re still in primary school and that none of them are you as relevant to them.

They’re grown up now, just be glad you didn’t have to be there as your partner allowed and enabled this situation to unfold to get to this point. If he’s upset that his grown up children don’t want to have a relationship with him that isn’t mediated through their mother, then he only has himself to blame.

The only bit you need to consider is how they are with you. If that’s all fine (other than their mother not addressing Christmas cards to you), then don’t go borrowing trouble.

Yes, I get you, but I think pick a different battle. If they are pleased to see your partner, spend time with him and you and you know what is going on in their lives that is all good.

DH's ex loves birthdays and arranges all the cards and things. The kids will manage to get enough 'gorm' together at Christmas, but his birthday she obviously buys something.

We make and effort on her birthday and will take a gift round together and get a card for her. I get a birthday card and gift from her and she'll buy a card for the kids to give me. Up till fairly recently DH was still getting their mother's day cards for them. They are mid 20s and been to university.

It's just the way it works in their dynamic. Not my circus not my monkeys.

But it is his relationships to manage, not yours. If he doesn't see a problem stop trying to make him see a problem. It will not end well for You if you interfere.

I can see why it would get to you. It's absolutely pathetic and I feel sorry for their girlfriends, however I would just ignore it.

Don't make it your business trying to make them better people. It's not worth the effort honestly.

I also feel sorry for their GF.

They don’t have to put up with mummy’s boys if they don’t want to.

From the sounds of it, if they don’t grow up a lot, anyone who marries the boys is in for a nightmare MIL and a husband still clinging on to the apron strings. So hopefully, they’ll grow up a great deal over the next few years.

A 25 year old who doesn’t get the bus because his mum doesn’t like it, though. 🤯

@TrashyPanda
Absolutely both parents I agree. Effort was pit into their studies & sport but but not the softer skills in life.
Ptr reminded them for first couple years about Moms birthday but said to as adults they need to be remembering & planning for her.
I think they are capable but Mom is super involved & does it way in advance

@Justcannotbearsed
@BeyondOurReef

Thank you - just something to add to my 'let it go' list in life ☺️

I agree with you. It sounds like they're overgrown children who have been babied by their parents.

Unfortunately they're a product of their upbringing and are highly likely to drift from being babied by Mum and Dad to expecting the women in their lives to pick up their boxers and mop up after them. Mumsnet is full of women in relationships with manchildren who are conveniently useless at life.

I'm not sure you can really force them to change though OP.

[quote PerfectlyImperfectme]@AnneLovesGilbert
Thank you - I'm trying. They are good guys I just find it a bit alien & embarrassing that Mom stil does so much when they are clever & capable.[/quote]
If it bothers him that much, then I t really is up to your partner to instigate this conversation with his kids. You being judgemental of both of their parenting skills is unnecessary - the reality is that they’ve made their beds, so they have to lie in them. As long as the boys are not rude to you or your partner, and on the whole are decent human beings, then you should probably consider this a minor personality flaw.

[quote PerfectlyImperfectme]@Justcannotbearsed
@BeyondOurReef

Thank you - just something to add to my 'let it go' list in life ☺️[/quote]
It’s the only way to go in stepfamily situations.

Apply the ‘is this going to affect me (or my children)?’ test. If no: ignore. It’s only when the answer is yes that you need to even start to consider whether it’s worth doing anything.