Expectations of adult step children

[PerfectlyImperfectme]

Hi.
I wondering if me / my family are out of touch here or my partner & his adult children are.
Been the ptr 5 years - his 'boys' are 21,23 & 25.
Background - I will say now I think they both (ptr & exw) have babied the boys & as a result there's a level of entitlement I'd not expect to see in anyone over mid teens. I'm not ow & when we meet up / they come over we get on great. But they require collecting and dropping back. Mom doesn't like them getting public transport & so they are not familiar with it. They all have licenses but no car, mom has car but doesn't want them driving to ours in it or late night.

My problem. Their mother still buys card for them to give ptr & buys token gifts, all v obvious as generic from m&s. All sign the one card. 2 eldest have Gfs of 3+ years.
I'm yet to make it onto the Christmas card he receives.
Ptr is a bit upset by there lack of effort but hadn't spoken to them & continues to make excuses.
I know some boys are a bit slow on the uptake of adult life & making time or putting effort into things but I know they do it for their mother & gfs. All down tools & come home from work / uni on her birthday.
I feel ptr needs to talk / show them the way he expects to be treated. I think by the time you get to 20 you should be able to buy a card & post it to your Dad on his birthday without mom prompting or all 3 having to sign the one card.
My family for info - we all were taught the importance of making people feel loved & special on their day & Christmas. We sent our own cards by 16, granted my brother needed reminding but he stil got his own. We starting giving small gifts from ourselves around the same age.
I don't want to keep mentioning as my ptr is aware but how do I / can I influence change ?
I'm a bit too blunt & my answer would be to send them a single Christmas addressed to all, same with gifts and see if the penny drops lol... But I guess that's mean.

Sorry it's so long & rambly - I don't want to cross swords with anyone but I'd like my ptr treated more fairly as an equal parent

It’s HER CAR. why should she be inconvenienced? It’s up to your “ptr” and the “boys” to sort getting to see each other. Not her.

If my kids were using my car, I’d tell them to do the visits using my car at a time that suited me. Or not take my car.

ITS HER CAR. no one else has the right to it unless it suits her to lend it at that time.

Seriously you’re out of order on that one.

@Leghardwareremoval
😆😆
Yes I know it's her car - we all know it's her car !
Get over whatever issue you have.
I've no issue with her choices regarding 'her' car.
It's a lovely car ☺️

If your partner ever considered himself an equal parent, then he can take equal ‘blame’ for you not getting a gift and his gifts being small.

I was reading the OP and waiting for the bit where the SC were being horribly unreasonable

Same, nothing unreasonable here. Op doesn't agree with mum on her views around travelling late at night. Move on and get along as it won't last forever

@LethargicActress
He does & embarrassingly had to prompt them last year to do a card for grandparents & get them a box of chocolates

Why doesn’t your “ptr” put them on the insurance of your car and let them use it?

I don't think it's the hill to die on personally.

Although I do hate how babied some adults appear to be on this site. I'm about the same age as your partner's eldest, I'm married, with a mortgage and DC. I don't even think my parents could tell you when or how I get public transport let alone have an opinion on whether they like me to or not. Even if I did live at home with one of them still, they'd not even consider getting involved in my seeing the other parent at that age and they certainly wouldn't be buying cards and presents for one another "from me" like I was still 6 years old.

@Leghardwareremoval
Because its a company car with only over 25s allowed. Plus eldest had a car gifted by paternal grandparents and sold it because he didn't want the hassle of the upkeep / mot / services. So ptr is not for spoon feeding when he had a car & the money from selling it

I have similarly babied stepsons (aged 14 and 20) and I have learnt to step away from the drama. Eldest can't even drive and has no desire to learn since his parents ferry him around. Does it drive me nuts? Yes. But it's not me who is doing it so it's not really my business.

@3scape

"ptr?".

It’s absolutely obvious she means partner - what’s your problem .?

@Leghardwareremoval

It’s HER CAR. why should she be inconvenienced? It’s up to your “ptr” and the “boys” to sort getting to see each other. Not her.

Again why the snarky use of 'ptr'

You say 'my house' a lot

@blackcurrantjam

You say 'my house' a lot

So what? Maybe it is her house?

@blackcurrantjam

You say 'my house' a lot

Maybe it is her house?

Different families have different customs. I find it odd their mum still does that for them, but it's nice she / they go to the trouble at all... I've lived abroad for about 10 years and maybe my parents have sent me 1 birthday card? I've sent 1 or 2... Just not a big thing in our family. I guess what I'm saying is, just because it's the norm to you, doesn't mean it's the norm for others.

Sounds like the boys are taking advantage by letting their mum continue to do it... But don't take that personally...Many boys (and girls!) are slow to "launch"....

You have a right to your feelings and if you don't get any gift and feel left out, maybe your husband can have a quiet word with your boys, but if it's just you being annoyed their mum babies them, then I would let it go... It's her parenting choice, odd as it may be.