Unvaxxed dilemma

[TheRussianDoll]

Having a small family get together for sons 21st. Surprise “do”. My friends and DH’s family all vaccinated and lots of boosters too. My family … quite a few anti vaxxers. I had absolutely no idea but now, DH wants me to stop them coming or, tell others that some at the gathering aren’t vaccinated.

I have told my family “no fax no invite” but it’s causing very bad feeling. My son has Aspergers so, it’s not a big “do” but I’ve put a lot of thought and love into the plan and now I feel very deflated. It’ll cut the guest list by half.

DH is 62. Has pulmonary sarcoidosis and diabetes and as a family unit, “we” have followed every rule going and still mask, even outside in crowded places.

What should I do?

I presume your husband doesn't leave the house then because anyone he comes I to contact with might not be vaccinated

If he and others are vaccinated, why is he concerned about those who aren’t? Why is he thinking they’re posing a risk to anyone but themselves?

Don't be naive. We know that the vaccinated can catch Covid, and that the unvaccinated have a much higher risk of catching and spreading it.

www.theguardian.com/world/2021/nov/21/icu-is-full-of-the-unvaccinated-my-patience-with-them-is-wearing-thin

I wouldn’t have the party. I am vaccinated but I wash I wasn’t the effects it has left me with I now have to live with. And having had COVID about 9 months prior to my vaccination, I was probably still relatively immune. Anyway, most of my colleagues who have COVID currently are double vaccinated.

COVID won’t go away so you need to learn a new normal and if you have someone who is vulnerable you need to learn that parties in winter are not part of your new normal. You can’t expect everyone to be vaccinated for you and your partner.

Im throwing DH a surprise 30th in Jan, and have asked on the invitations that guests take a lateral flow test prior to attending, for everyone’s safety. Everyone I’ve spoken to hasn’t had a problem with it.. might be the way to go.

I would do no vat no invite. As much as people want on about it infringing liberties, it's still your house and I wouldn't be emotionally blackmailed. O would so no invites for non vacc, and everyone please do lfts. I didn't shield for months for nothing.

I do question the wisdom of having it at all though. Not something my immunosupressants and I would be happy with/attend.

Op I get where your dh is coming from. He is CEV so for him this goes way way beyond questions of ethics or manners.

Cases are high right now. I currently have it despite being double vaxxed.

If you want to go ahead with the party I would just tell everyone again that due to current rates and your dh being CEV it’s only safe for people to go if double vaxxed and also with negative lft. I would also ask people not to go if they feel even slightly unwell eg cold, feeling slightly “off”. I felt slightly strange and run down but no classic covid symptoms before I then started to get the standard symptoms this weekend.

Can you ask everyone to wrap up warm, crank up heating and leave a few windows ajar as well?

Everyone can spread covid, even the vaccinated.
My concerns would lay more with what their individual views are with SD, masks, sanitising and testing are to be honest. A lot of antivaxxers do not believe covid actually exists, and will not do anything to lower the risks of catching or passing covid, and will certainly not do the tests.

Either way it's going to cause upset to someone.

@PyongyangKipperbang

Having said that...... the unvaccinated are the ones most at risk, us vaxxers can still get it and pass it on. So maybe let them come and let natural selection do its thing.....

Sorry I know that is the wrong thing to say but ffs.....

Why do you think it's acceptable to talk about people in this way? You seem very angry and bitter. I feel sorry for you.

“The vaxxed can be Covid carriers, just the same as the unvaxxed.”

Can, but not “the same”, they are far less likely to be able to carry and pass it on than those who are unvaccinated. And the risk of them having it and passing it on asymptomatically is still much lower lower than the chances of having it and passing it on as an in vaccinated individual to answer another poster.
It’s your party, your rules.

YABU. This vaccine does not stop transmission or you catching the virus. The jab only protects the vaccinated individual. A negative test would be far far more accurate.

Would you prefer a double jabbed person who silently carries the virus or someone who tests negative?

No vax no invite would be my policy. obviously exceptions for those with medical reasons etc to not have it.

The vaxxed can be Covid carriers, just the same as the unvaxxed

They’re less likely to be infected.

This vaccine does not stop transmission or you catching the virus. The jab only protects the vaccinated individual. A negative test would be far far more accurate.

This is not true. The vaccine does not stop transmission but it does reduce it.

Furthermore unvaccinated people who are more likely to get severe Covid are a huge strain on our NHS which negatively impacts us all.

This vaccine does not stop transmission or you catching the virus. The jab only protects the vaccinated individual.

The vaccine reduces transmission. It reduces the chance of a person being infected. If they get infected, it reduces the chance of them being seriously ill. A person who has the virus but is not symptomatic is less likely to spread the disease because they are not coughing and projecting the virus. The jab protects others in this way, the more people who have the vaccine the fewer non-vaccinated people will get the virus.

We are teetering on the brink of totalitarianism. Perhaps your partner would like non vaxx-ed people to be branded or identified in some way...this situation where freedom of choice is under attack makes me feel very sad. It reminds me of many occasions in history where groups were scapegoated and isolated in society.

Anyone who makes comments like this has no idea of what living in a totalitarian society is like. In a totalitarian society you would not be making comments like that, indeed you would not have an anonymous forum where you can write anything at all. I'd argue the system you appear to favour, someone not being allowed to determine who comes into their home or attends their event, is a more "totalitarian" way of running things that the idea the OP only wants to invite vaccinated people.

Pinkchocolate

I am double vaccinated and so not anti-vax but we cannot assume in any setting that everyone is double vaccinated“

Indeed but our own hone is the one place where we don’t need to assume.

Some sensible posts on here. I know quite a few people all vaccinated, some with serious health issues,and they automatically do a LF test before getting together. I asked my oldest DD to wash her hands,and boy was she sarcastic. The tests are round about 70% accurate. Hire a patio heater maybe if you have outside space. Cannot see there is any relevance in sons age. My DGKs have been invited to birthday parties, because of asthma, allergy health issues my DD has refused,under vax ages

It’s your home. You and your DH don’t have to have anyone in your home that you don’t want to. People who don’t accept the vaccine must surely have realised that CEV people would probably want to keep their distance from them.

I certainly wouldn’t tell other guests at the party about their fellow guests’ vaccination status (I can’t see what that would achieve anyway) but if I had someone in the house as vulnerable as your DH I would stick to no vax, no invite.

Anyone who makes comments like this has no idea of what living in a totalitarian society is like. In a totalitarian society you would not be making comments like that, indeed you would not have an anonymous forum where you can write anything at all. I'd argue the system you appear to favour, someone not being allowed to determine who comes into their home or attends their event, is a more "totalitarian" way of running things that the idea the OP only wants to invite vaccinated people.

Exactly - the hyperbole is so boring. People get to choose who they invite to a private party at their home. Nothing could be further from totalitarianism.

On a serious note I think it is wildly unreasonable not to invite some people in your family who have, for whatever reason, chosen not to have the vaccine. We are teetering on the brink of totalitarianism. Perhaps your partner would like non vaxx-ed people to be branded or identified in some way...this situation where freedom of choice is under attack makes me feel very sad

Oh come on. It’s a small family gathering!

OP given your are being very careful in all other aspects of your life I don’t think this is unreasonable of your DH.

Of course it is sad that it has come to this but that is out of your control.

Of course you can’t control who is vaccinated when out and about but you can control who you spend time with for long periods in your home.

Yes those vaccinated can catch Covid and carry it but they are less likely to and less likely to pass it on also.

So do what you need to do to keep DH safe.

Your DH is clinically vulnerable. Anyone who can't respect that and take appropriate precautions when spending time in his house doesn't come into the house. End of.

DD is CEV and I would be livid if anyone thought her health was worth playing Russian Roulette with. We ask everyone who comes round to do a LFT before coming and so far everyone has agreed that this is very important. I haven't asked any unvaccinated people to do that, so I don't know if they'd respond differently. But I don't know any openly unvaccinated people anyway.

They are also not allowed to come if they have colds, sniffles etc. This was before Covid. And for anyone who jumps on that and asks how she copes in the big wide world, she doesn't. She's been housebound for 6 years since she was 14.

Open windows and ventilation are key though OP. Even with all negative LFTs.

On a serious note I think it is wildly unreasonable not to invite some people in your family who have, for whatever reason, chosen not to have the vaccine. We are teetering on the brink of totalitarianism. Perhaps your partner would like non vaxx-ed people to be branded or identified in some way...this situation where freedom of choice is under attack makes me feel very sad

Rubbish. It’s the opposite. We are all at perfect liberty to decide who we want in our homes.

Could you hold your event outside in the garden? Gazebo, fire pits, twinkly lights/ hot chocolate/ hot toddies and perhaps fireworks?

And I've heard at some parties, there are badges; tinsel for people who do not wish to be hugged or have close contact with others

Good morning. Thanks for so many replies.

I’m thinking several things.

I understand that doing a LFT might be he way to go. We will be having an outdoor bit in the form of the gazebo and patio heater to stick on the back of our (small) house. Heat full on. Windows on. Not good for the planet but it’s for a few hours only. It starts at 5pm and it’ll all be over by 8pm. I know this because a 4yr and 7yr old are coming and they live two hours away and will need to get home. My pregnant niece will be there. She’s had one vaccination and following a miscarriage decided not to have a second. Her choice. She’s newly pregnant again. She is a social worker working with children and is in constant contact with people. As I say, it’s her choice.

My son tried to end his life in 2018. Then Covid. We, as a family want to celebrate his 21st. There’ll be no friends there. He doesn’t have any. His two PAs will attend, again just for a couple of hours. They’re taking him bowling at 2pm (his choice) so we can set up our little “surprise”. I don’t want to not mark the occasion. None of us know what’s ahead but, I’m just thankful he’s still here. I’ve organised “video celebrations” from others. Family who live down south. His 87 Yr old grandad. 92yr old great aunt etc. so they can be “part of it” without taking part.

Everyone, apart from the two PAs, will be close family. Have heard from a friend of mine last night saying she can’t come as she’s too worried for her own husband. I think another friend will also not actually come, as it’s a long way for them and they’re nervous (her adult son has an Crohns).

I take the point that we are all, vaxxed and non vaxxed, rubbing shoulders at work, in the street, in the supermarket etc. Vaxxed people can and do get it and pass it on. I think therefore, Lateral Flow Testing is best.

Sorry for the lengthy reply. I could scrap the whole thing but really, just want DS to know that 14 or so people, wanted to be with him, on a special birthday. He doesn’t do gifts (never has, since he was about 7 or so. Not at Xmas or birthdays. Very cheap to run!). He only goes out with his two PAs. His life is very, very small.

Ah op you sound like such a lovely mum. My dd has asd and your reply just now brought tears to my eyes. I hope he has a really special day