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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm being taken for a mug aren't I?

104 replies

Jgdryiiubcdrg · 22/11/2021 16:14

Been seeing this guy for about a month, not long at all but things have moved quite quickly. See each other a lot, talk on the phone for hours every day etc. So it's been quite intense

He's a bit down on his luck right now, was made homeless by his ex, is in a flat now but struggling to get back on his feet etc.

Twice in the last week he has asked to borrow money from me. £15 the first time, £10 the second. I've said no both times.

He knows I'm a single parent and don't really have cash to spare. I thought we were getting on really well but this seems like a massive red flag to me, he's trying to use me isn't he?

OP posts:
ChiefInspectorParker · 23/11/2021 07:02

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Justleaveitblankthen · 23/11/2021 07:06

Has he no shame? He's asking you for money when you have just £30 to last you? Money you use to feed your child and keep them warm and safe?! Angry
What did he say he needed it for?

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 23/11/2021 07:23

All these women saying “I wonder if I know him” Yes you do, theres hundreds of cocklodging freeloaders out there with no shame. Well done to all of those women who have got shut and well done OP!

MzHz · 23/11/2021 08:19

[quote Jgdryiiubcdrg]@SaturdaySummer yeah you're probably right. My ex was emotionally abusive so I was happy when I thought I found someone who I clicked with but looks like just another asshole :/[/quote]
When you have a history that includes an abuser (as I do)

When you ‘click’ you can be clicking with the same traits, so it’s actually better if you feel a little out of your comfort zone with someone

You need to end this, so you’ll be able to see the woods for the trees

Is this relationship moving quickly? Because that’s another sign you’re in a wrong place

Sweetener12 · 23/11/2021 08:20

YANBU and get out NOW!

ChaToilLeam · 23/11/2021 08:29

🚩 he’s lining himself up for some cocklodging for sure! Well done spotting this so early, OP.

Alonelonelyloner · 23/11/2021 08:29

There is so much negativity on this thread.
The dude asked to borrow a small amount of money and she turned him down. Which is fine, she doesn't have the money. But it could be that he just needed some cash (for whatever reason).
I have been on both sides of this equation and in neither instance was it a red flag.

I have had my fair share of bad experiences with men. More than most I would say - or worse - but even I am reticent to damn someone for asking to borrow a small amount of money.

For sure, be wary, and give it time (though saying to him something like,"definitely no living together until we have been together for 6 years, I need my space and my DC don't want a man moving in" is absurd. You'll forever be alone that way).

NataliaSerene · 23/11/2021 08:32

You really don’t need this. Being single is sublime. Especially when compared to dealing with a guy who can’t even take care of himself.

CSJobseeker · 23/11/2021 08:35

But it could be that he just needed some cash (for whatever reason).

If I needed £10, the last person I'd ask would be the man I'd been dating a few weeks.

I'd ask friends and family first. This man has clearly exhausted the financial goodwill of those people, so he had to ask the OP - what does that tell you?

And "his ex made him homeless" - how do you explain that ludicrous claim? Moving out of somewhere you've been living rent free does not / should not make someone homeless

NataliaSerene · 23/11/2021 08:35

@Alonelonelyloner

Needing to borrow money is one thing.

A person who has no one to borrow from except a single parent they have known for a month has untold problems. Why does he not have a friend or family member he can ask?

If he knows op only has £30 to last three weeks his problems are even worse.

FetchezLaVache · 23/11/2021 08:48

Another one for whom the passively phrased "was made homeless by his ex" rings warning bells, OP, also "down on his luck". Does he do anything to turn the tide of the dreadful hand life has dealt him? You don't say whether he even has a job, for instance.

I find it interesting that when you turned down the request to borrow £15, he scaled down his ambitions and asked you to lend him a tenner instead. Betcha it'll be a fiver next, he's just trying to find where your financial comfort zone ends.

Well done for seeing this loser for what he is, OP.

KohlaParasaurus · 23/11/2021 08:49

You said no. I admire you for this. So many women would have given him the benefit of the doubt, and continued to do so as the scrounging escalated.

HollowTalk · 23/11/2021 08:51

[quote Jgdryiiubcdrg]@froggy1811 thanks for that. I'm not sure what to do, we get on really well and I do find it hard to say no - I'm a bit of a people pleaser.

I'm not sure why they spilt, I just know that she owned her house outright so when they split he had nothing[/quote]
But if you read it another way, he was living rent free and didn't save any money.

Ponoka7 · 23/11/2021 08:57

@Alonelonelyloner, it isn't a small amount of money to everyone and certainly not to the OP. Asking someone that you've known a month and the love bombing, are red flags.
He's probably lending £10/15 off multiple people and constantly playing catch up. For a single person there's job opportunities across many sectors at the moment, he needs to get off the phone and start chasing jobs.

OP cut down on the phone calls, he's getting into your head. Over the phone you can paint a picture of a person who doesn't exist. The asking to lend money shows you some of the real him. Without wanting to upset you there are loads of his type who target single mum's. He's probably lived rent free and his ex has had enough. He should have been planning and saving incase they split.

lawandgin · 23/11/2021 09:01

You aren't dating my brother are you?

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Babymamamama · 23/11/2021 09:07

Round my way this kind of fella would be called a WasteMan. The clue is in the name. Get rid.

CounsellorTroi · 23/11/2021 09:16

Even without his previous relationship history I’d say the talking on the phone for hours is way too intense for someone you’ve been seeing a month.

Flowers500 · 23/11/2021 09:29

It’s not even the asking for money, it’s the question of why you would consider this useless drag of a human being to be dating material? Like if he meets your criteria, what the hell are you turning away?!?

GertietheGherkin · 23/11/2021 09:30

@Alonelonelyloner

There is so much negativity on this thread. The dude asked to borrow a small amount of money and she turned him down. Which is fine, she doesn't have the money. But it could be that he just needed some cash (for whatever reason). I have been on both sides of this equation and in neither instance was it a red flag.

I have had my fair share of bad experiences with men. More than most I would say - or worse - but even I am reticent to damn someone for asking to borrow a small amount of money.

For sure, be wary, and give it time (though saying to him something like,"definitely no living together until we have been together for 6 years, I need my space and my DC don't want a man moving in" is absurd. You'll forever be alone that way).

Your username is very telling.

You're comments about always being lonely if you were to tell a guy he couldn't move in for years.

You would feel sorry for and think it unfair not to lend a guy money?

You say you've had bad experiences with guys... It's not hard to see why.

Any guy asking a single mother who he's known for a month for money is appalling. Her money is hers to feed, clothe and care for her children.

But you think judging him is unfair? Maybe you need to look at your own boundaries.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/11/2021 09:32

I just know that she owned her house outright so when they split he had nothing

They say there's no man keener than the man who needs somewhere to live, and as a PP said he'll be suggesting moving in all too soon

It's natural to feel sad, but it's not as sad as you'd feel after he'd bled you dry

Flowers500 · 23/11/2021 09:33

@Alonelonelyloner

There is so much negativity on this thread. The dude asked to borrow a small amount of money and she turned him down. Which is fine, she doesn't have the money. But it could be that he just needed some cash (for whatever reason). I have been on both sides of this equation and in neither instance was it a red flag.

I have had my fair share of bad experiences with men. More than most I would say - or worse - but even I am reticent to damn someone for asking to borrow a small amount of money.

For sure, be wary, and give it time (though saying to him something like,"definitely no living together until we have been together for 6 years, I need my space and my DC don't want a man moving in" is absurd. You'll forever be alone that way).

I don’t want to be rude but if you’re saying you’ve had lots of bad experiences with men, but wouldn’t consider them being borderline homeless, chaotic and trying to take money off you to be an issue, well maybe there might be a link between these things?
Flowers500 · 23/11/2021 09:39

@minniesdragg

Now I've read everyone else's contributions I need to change my vote - maybe the only YABU!! I'd have felt sorry for him and enjoyed the love bombing. Well done OP for seeing through it and sorry he's not what you had hoped. x
🤦‍♀️

YOUR VAGINA IS NOT A CHARITY. Raise your standards! Feeling sorry for pathetic, useless men just drags you down too.

CSJobseeker · 23/11/2021 09:58

I don’t want to be rude but if you’re saying you’ve had lots of bad experiences with men, but wouldn’t consider them being borderline homeless, chaotic and trying to take money off you to be an issue, well maybe there might be a link between these things?

I agree. If you are choosing bad men - evaluating your criteria might be a good idea. It's okay to discriminate when you are choosing a partner. Not just ok - essential!

They say there's no man keener than the man who needs somewhere to live

Amen to this too.

DrManhattan · 23/11/2021 10:02

Well done for not giving him the money Smile
You don't need a project, dump him.

pastypirate · 23/11/2021 10:02

@clatterclatter *bows