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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm being taken for a mug aren't I?

104 replies

Jgdryiiubcdrg · 22/11/2021 16:14

Been seeing this guy for about a month, not long at all but things have moved quite quickly. See each other a lot, talk on the phone for hours every day etc. So it's been quite intense

He's a bit down on his luck right now, was made homeless by his ex, is in a flat now but struggling to get back on his feet etc.

Twice in the last week he has asked to borrow money from me. £15 the first time, £10 the second. I've said no both times.

He knows I'm a single parent and don't really have cash to spare. I thought we were getting on really well but this seems like a massive red flag to me, he's trying to use me isn't he?

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 22/11/2021 16:36

A month's no time to get to know each other properly. You've only really got what he tells you to go on at this stage. Well done on refusing to lend him money, keep doing it, because if he sees you as a soft touch, the requests will get bigger. More money then moving in. I'm mortified on his behalf, asking someone you've only been seeing for a month for a loan of money seems desperate. If he's asked family and friends first and had to resort to asking you, then that's a worry and a big red flag. I think you're being love bombed by a potential cocklodger.

2Gen · 22/11/2021 16:41

Yes he is using you OP, sorry! If he can stoop so low as to ponce off a single parent, he's got no shame, no integrity and in my experience with users, they just keep on going until you cut off the relationship. Ask for it back but don't hold your breath, he'll probably be full of excuses and play the "poor me" card! If so, write it off as a life lesson and never ever lend money to people who have not earnt your trust over a period of time and proven themselves to be honest, decent and to give as much or more than they take!
This is a massive red flag OP! For the sake of your sanity as well as your finances, DUMP this useless ponce!

Cas112 · 22/11/2021 16:51

Yes! a month and he's asking to lend money. Thats ridiculous

LoveFall · 22/11/2021 16:57

Avoid avoid avoid. Someone so down on their "luck" seldom finds the pot of gold. In other words, history repeats itself.

He needs to sort his own problems out and you don't need them adding to yours.

Yes, future cocklodger alert. Sorry OP.

LondonWolf · 22/11/2021 17:01

I’m just wondering whereabouts you live? He sounds very similar to someone I know…

30whatacrock · 22/11/2021 17:02

I wouldn’t touch him with a barge pole.

pictish · 22/11/2021 17:08

He’s certainly not bothered about impressing you is he?

CSJobseeker · 22/11/2021 17:11

You've been dating a month and he's already trying to borrow money from you?

The job market is very healthy right now, loads of opportunities out there. Why isn't he earning enough to keep himself?

Honestly, just get rid. A man who cannot sustain himself financially will only be a drain on you.

FallonCarringtonWannabe · 22/11/2021 17:15

Does he work? Do you work?

Im just wondering what you find attractive about a man who is homeless as a single parent.

CSJobseeker · 22/11/2021 17:19

Also, if she owned her house outright (and didn't want to give him any financial interest in the house), he's presumably been living rent free with her? So why on earth didn't he have savings?

Possible explanations for why an adult man living on his own in a flat might be skint:

  • gambling or other addiction problem
  • no job, or can't be arsed to increase his hours
  • a vague, pretend job that he always says is on the brink of a big payout, but that payout never comes
  • spendthrift, can't live within his means

None of them are good, are they? None of them are desirable attributes in a partner.

cakewench · 22/11/2021 17:32

Run, OP. I'm sorry.

Made homeless by his ex? Whose house he was living in? Not working? etc. Agree with above that he will absolutely be trying to move in with you, because that worked for him before.

tara66 · 22/11/2021 17:36

Avoid.

ikeptgoing · 23/11/2021 05:16

Agree with other PPs this throws up so many flags

I find it strange that he left her house with so little he needs to borrow £25 in one week.
Unless he has DCs living with him, - what is he doing with his money, why does he have no savings or at least a little bit of back up funds
People don't usually ask the person they have just started dating for cash like this. They have friends, family they can ask first. Again if throws up flags that he had no one else/ no one else willing

Dita73 · 23/11/2021 05:22

Ditch the git before your purse goes missing

MiddayMass · 23/11/2021 05:27

I’m genuinely wondering if I know this man in real life.

If he has a 3 year old and is a bartender then he’s probably the ex of my friend. He is absolutely hopeless with his money, fucks up every job he gets, and generally doesn’t help himself. He’s a weedhead. He scrimps off various women to get by and knows exactly how to manipulate to make you feel sorry for him. He ended up moving in with my friend after a month due to claiming homelessness and asking her for money. He’d refuse to eat the food she had in and spent it on takeaways, then would complain that he couldn’t afford maintenance for his ex. Because of his job, he meets lots of women. When he meets a woman who can provide him a better package than the one he’s currently with, he will move on to her. He did it with my friend. She was living with her parents at this point (post-divorce) who took him in as they felt sorry for him, but it meant he wasn’t really free to use the house as he pleased and was stuck to the bedroom. He then disappeared in the middle of the night and blocked her on everything. It turns out he’d met an older woman at work and had moved in with her and her child, and at her’s he got to have the whole house to himself. He got to cook in the kitchen, have the living room etc. She dumped him and he tried to come back to my friend. When she told him where to go he threatened to kill himself.

She spoke to his ex (the mother of his child) and apparently he’s been doing it for years, and has gone through dozens of women.

timeisnotaline · 23/11/2021 05:31

I'm not sure why they spilt, I just know that she owned her house outright so when they split he had nothing
I wouldn’t have nothing if I lived with a partner who owned the house and left him. That’s no excuse unless there’s some backstory like he cared for the special needs child they have and I very much doubt it…

SpeckledyHen · 23/11/2021 05:59

This is just the start OP …. Move on before he expects to move in.

MimiDaisy11 · 23/11/2021 06:06

He might be desperate, he might want to use you, but either way he’s not a great find if he’s asking to borrow money. At one month you’re still supposed to be trying to impress and woo the other person.

Joystir59 · 23/11/2021 06:06

Move on op. You've got enough in your plate without having to support him.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/11/2021 06:08

she owned her house outright so when they split he had nothing

So he leeched off her for as long as they were together. Now he's trying to suss out if he can leech off you.

RED FLAGS ALL OVER THE PLACE.

I'm sorry as it sounds like you like him. But he's trying to worm his way in.

Ditch.

And well done for recognising this and not getting sucked in.

SinoohXaenaHide · 23/11/2021 06:09

Sounds like a professional cocklodger to me. His previous gf clearly was selected for being sufficiently affluent to house and support him. When she was done with being leeched by him he quickly needed to find a new host to get his parasitic tendrils into.

Seriously - a month in and he is already testing the water to see how easy it will be to manipulate you into supporting him?

The fun times you have together aren't relevant. They are part of his mating display, and a mask that will be quickly set aside once he moves in with you. End it now.

Bananalanacake · 23/11/2021 06:29

Well done on saying no to lending money. Be wary of love bombing. Do not talk for hours on the phone, that is a blooming cheek, you have your life to live and DC to look after, give him 2 minutes on the phone and say your DC is calling for you. If/when he asks to move in say "definitely no living together until we have been together for 6 years, I need my space and my DC don't want a man moving in" if he fucks off that will tell you he was using you.

FreeBritnee · 23/11/2021 06:33

He’ll be looking to move in soon. Just get rid.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 23/11/2021 06:43

Borrowing money off a struggling single mum is the lowest of the low.

minniesdragg · 23/11/2021 06:57

Now I've read everyone else's contributions I need to change my vote - maybe the only YABU!! I'd have felt sorry for him and enjoyed the love bombing. Well done OP for seeing through it and sorry he's not what you had hoped. x