Was I ?

[stillvicarinatutu]

Way back last year a woman came to work with my team who within days rang me crying that her husband was abusing her and a drunk .

Although I hardly knew her I offered her a place to stay for the night and gave her a key so if she ever felt trapped she had somewhere to go.

We became friends .

During my time on this team It became apparent that a clique was forming and I stayed out of it .

A new line manager took over in July and had a one to one where he told me his impression of me was that I was chaotic and scatty and asked me if I'm menopausal .
The previous manager had described me as the most productive person in the team so I asked him if his observation had any bearing on my work . He said no.
Following this I was under scrutiny for everything from my time keeping to my workload which I documented in writing .

One morning in July i discovered my mother was gravely ill on a ventilator. We have been no contact for 20 years but I rang to ask for a days leave to make my peace and visit .
My immediate managers response was no. She said that it was a disciplined organisation and that they were short staffed and I needed to come in.

I rang my gp and she signed me off for a month .

In that time I had zero contact from work until after 16 days they decided I needed a welfare check.
I did not respond to the message . The following day the bitch manager and my "friend " were sat outside my house . I had several missed calls and I told them I was sick , in bed and did. It want to see them and to go away.

My "friend" had already decided to block me on what's app saying she did not want to get involved and another colleague told me that as soon as I went t off she took my book off my desk with my evidence in and gave it to bitchy manager . I had asked her to put it in my desk .

They sat outside my house and then "friend" began to message my adult daughter on social media which caused her to panic . There was absolutely no reason for this as I had given no cause for concern to anyone at all- they hadn't contacted me and so I hadn't contacted them . When they did my immediate thought was fuck off and I didn't engage other than to say I didn't want a welfare visit.

Fried said that because I hadn't replied to message that they'd panicked and asked if there was anything they could do to which I replied yes - leave me alone and leave the fake concern at works door .

I did not put in an official complaint as I found out while off sick I had got another job which is already interviewed for so I just moved on . I blocked the entire dept on everything.

I met a colleague for coffee last week who intimated that I should not have have blocked this "friend" .

My gut feeling is that I was not unreasonable. I have moved to a new dept and I get along with everyone and I'm happy . It just means I have no friends from work any longer .
I think the old dept saw me as a bit of a doormat because I was happy go lucky and never said no. I got my locks changed btw.
Wabu?

Sorry, maybe it's just me but it's a bit confusing.

What did your GP sign you off for?

Did you just go complete 'radio silence'/no contact with work?

Did you manage to go and see your mum?

I told manager when she said I had to go in that if that was the case I was sick .
I should have been entitled to compassionate leave under the circumstances - all I asked for was a days annual.

I sent sick note in and no i did not contact them because they did not contact me and tbh I was so angry I'd have told them to fuck off . There was no requirement to contact them once my sick note went in .
Yes I saw my mother . She did not see me .

Go signed me off with stress . I had a lot to do for someone I hadn't seen for 20 years.

Who is bitch manager ? For what reasons were you described as chaotic and scatty? Why did you not just ring them tell them you were off and wished to be left alone to recover?

Sweeney that is exactly what I did .

They decided 2 weeks in to treat me like a high risk missing person out of the blue .

I have no idea why the new line manager thought I was scatty etc other than he was probably told before he met me .
I did five times the workload of anyone else in that dept and that was proven when he said that as I took offence and gathered my evidence to show how much I did compared to others .

What angered me was in what industry do you say my mother is dying is like to see her and they say no sorry . ?

My manger at time had no managerial experience. She wasn't qualified. She was filling a gap . Was no better qualified than me to manage .

They were wrong not to give you even a day of compassionate leave, of course they were.

And neither your manager nor your former friend and colleague appear from this brief detail to have had your best interests at heart.

But honestly, you don’t sound like you helped yourself at all.

Do you really need to be signed off for a month? Most people don’t do that for a parent they have actually seen regularly for the last two decades. It will not have seemed like a genuine need at all given your retort about, “in that case I’m sick”.

Would it have killed you to have responded to the message after 16 days? I’m not sure if they’re allowed to contact you during the sick note period, but even if they’re not… it seems needlessly difficult not to reply, “thanks for checking, I definitely am finding I need the time off, I’m still expecting to return after the 30 days though.”

Regardless of all that - of course you’re not unreasonable to cut contact with people from that period of your life.

There wasn't a message after 16 days . They started ringing me on a withheld number so I didn't and didnt answer .

And yes the month was justified for a million reasons I aren't getting into . I had a funeral etc to organise.

It all sounds rather odd. Regardless of what others think, you dont owe anyone an explanation, or your time or friendship.

Re reading the op I think she may actually have been trying to help you but got it wrong.

You did what was right for you in that moment.

Do you want a friendship with her again? Or will you just associate her with a shitty time of your life.

Right, so I’ve googled and they didn’t break any law in contacting you.
www.peoplemanagement.co.uk/experts/legal/employers-guide-sickness-rights#gref
They should however only make reasonable contact.

I think it was reasonable to contact you on day 16.
Imagine if they hadn’t, and were the only ones who knew you were off sick. Or that your mental health was deteriorating because you felt you couldn’t face returning because of the break, or workload - and so it would have been beneficial to have your manager reassure you that you should take the time you needed, and the workload wouldn’t build up, and - whatever else needed to be a responsible person to you.

Instead, they get someone who says, I’m sick, in bed, go away. And won’t talk to them.

They already know that this isn’t a physical illness keeping you in bed in a normal way.

So the obvious and fair assumption is that this is a mental health issue. So as a good employer (and I’m not saying they are, but stay with me on the process here) would they have been right to just shrug their shoulders and move on? What kind of a genuine welfare check would that be?

So they included a colleague who was a friend - reasonable, to involve her in contact, as long as they don’t share any private information with her I think. And as a result of this contact with you that actually raises welfare concerns, she contacts your daughter. If you had genuinely been struggling - that would be the right thing to do.

As I said above, absolutely reasonable to put all of them behind you now. And their failure to give you compassionate leave was shocking.

But they are not 100% in the wrong over the welfare check.

@stillvicarinatutu

There wasn't a message after 16 days . They started ringing me on a withheld number so I didn't and didnt answer .

And yes the month was justified for a million reasons I aren't getting into . I had a funeral etc to organise.

But you said this in an earlier post: “In that time I had zero contact from work until after 16 days they decided I needed a welfare check. I did not respond to the message .”

So either they left you a message, or they didn’t.

Honestly, your posting style here is somewhat chaotic and scatty.

So now, after 16 days they hadn’t reached you. I don’t answer withheld numbers myself. But no voicemail? Either you didn’t contact them after a voicemail, or, they hadn’t - from their point of view - been able to make contact.

Why wouldn’t you do an in person welfare check with a employee who has gone off with what you know are not physical issues? Why wouldn’t you be concerned for their mental health at this point? How would it look if they just ignored you and ignored their own failed attempts to reach you?

So they had every right to contact my adult daughter who did not know anything because I had chosen not to tell her .

Sorry but I already contacted my federation who said that they did not have grounds to do that .

What they were doing was seeing if I was at home or out partying while I had a sick note .

And that friend I was told couldn't wait to shit stir from the moment i went off . My other colleague told me that . They sat outside for 35 mins and when I went to the kitchen that friend had her face pressed up to my kitchen window . They had shouted through them letterbox and called my dogs . There was nothing in their actions that were for my benefit I'm afraid.

I had extended hospitality and friendship to the ex friend in her time of need so I felt betrayed.

I was I suppose wondering if I should have cut her from my life over it .

To clarify

The number was withheld. They left a Curt voicemail saying it was time for a
Welfare check . I rang my union rep and asked under the circumstances if I needed to engage and he said no. Given I was organising my mother's funeral I had other stuff to do and also to process the fact I hadn't seen her for 20 years.

Ok thanks for the input . I was being unreasonable.

Within 30 minutes of me receiving that voicemail they were banging on my door and shouting through the letterbox .
At that point I said I'm fine thanks . I'm off and I want to be left alone
Not once did they even ask me if my mother was alive or dead .

Why argue with me that I’m wrong, because actually friend is so awful… when you can’t even decide whether it’s OK to cut her out of your life?
If the courage of your convictions is strong enough argue with me, why isn’t strong enough for you to have confidence in your decision?

And did they or didn’t they message you before or around this 16 days? It’s really no clear.

You see, your response to me “Ok thanks for the input . I was being unreasonable” has the petulant air of someone being difficult.

I’ve already said that I think you’re right to cut her out, I’ve said they were unreasonable not to let you have a day of compassionate leave. I’ve even said that I don’t think they had your interests at heart.

So why the (seemingly to me?) petulant response?

They rang on a withheld number on day 16.
They left a voicemail saying it was time to do the Ticky box exercise of a welfare check but I didn't get the message before they turned up at my address 30 mins later.

No it's fine I'm not arguing. You're right . I'm wrong . That's why I was asking for opinions .

And one version has you saying, “I’m fine thanks, I went to left alone” and the previous version saying that you’re sick, in bed, and by the way you don’t want their false concern.

One of those response would have sent them away happy from a welfare, the other is fair reason for them to remain concerned about your welfare.

So it’s a bit difficult to understand what actually happened here.

I'm not entirely sure why you're so angry with them, apart from the manager who said you couldn't take the day off.

How could they ask if your mother was alive or dead if you didn't answer the phone or door, and you told them to go away?

Could it be that you're in a very difficult place processing the death of an estranged parent, and you're directing your anger and distress in the wrong direction?

You didn't answer the phone or the door, and they had no means of contacting you. I don't think it's unreasonable that they may have been concerned for your welfare.

Did the gp suggest any treatment alongside the month off? Could you go back to the gp either review the treatment or discuss your options. I’m sorry for your loss.

Sorry but you sound quite worked up in your responses and I'm almost nervous to answer because of it.

Anyway, I'll not comment on anything other than to say its never unreasonable to cut people from your life if you feel like you need to make that move. So in that YANBU.

@stillvicarinatutu

Within 30 minutes of me receiving that voicemail they were banging on my door and shouting through the letterbox . At that point I said I'm fine thanks . I'm off and I want to be left alone Not once did they even ask me if my mother was alive or dead .

So after you said (through the letterbox?) that you were sick and wanted to be left alone, and didn’t want their false concern - was that the moment they were supposed to ask whether your mother had died?

Because if they had, wouldn’t you be saying now that they’d outraged you with false concern about that AND asking questions when you’d said you wanted to be left alone?

Block them all, put it behind you.

If I didn’t respond to a welfare check by my employer they would contact my emergency contact. Although the time line here does seem odd.

@BurntO

If I didn’t respond to a welfare check by my employer they would contact my emergency contact. Although the time line here does seem odd.

Mine too. Your estranged mother was your emergency contact. Was your adult daughter?

I’m not trying to catch you out here, but I don’t think we ca not give helpful answers to a confused timeline.

You’ve just said that they left a voicemail and were at your door 30 mins later. Which is extreme and unreasonable.

But originally you said, “I did not respond to the message . The following day the bitch manager and my "friend " were sat outside my house .”

I’m not accusing you of lying here, I think what you mean is that they left the message the day before you listened to it, coincidentally just before they arrived. But that’s quite different (in judging their behaviour) than you saying you just received it.

Honestly… you have a lot of anger here and it will be better if you can let it go. Don’t get worked up about the things they didn’t do wrong, when there’s plenty that they did! Move on, block them, distance yourself from the ex colleague who thinks you should stay friends with the one that betrayed you.