Was I ?

[stillvicarinatutu]

Way back last year a woman came to work with my team who within days rang me crying that her husband was abusing her and a drunk .

Although I hardly knew her I offered her a place to stay for the night and gave her a key so if she ever felt trapped she had somewhere to go.

We became friends .

During my time on this team It became apparent that a clique was forming and I stayed out of it .

A new line manager took over in July and had a one to one where he told me his impression of me was that I was chaotic and scatty and asked me if I'm menopausal .
The previous manager had described me as the most productive person in the team so I asked him if his observation had any bearing on my work . He said no.
Following this I was under scrutiny for everything from my time keeping to my workload which I documented in writing .

One morning in July i discovered my mother was gravely ill on a ventilator. We have been no contact for 20 years but I rang to ask for a days leave to make my peace and visit .
My immediate managers response was no. She said that it was a disciplined organisation and that they were short staffed and I needed to come in.

I rang my gp and she signed me off for a month .

In that time I had zero contact from work until after 16 days they decided I needed a welfare check.
I did not respond to the message . The following day the bitch manager and my "friend " were sat outside my house . I had several missed calls and I told them I was sick , in bed and did. It want to see them and to go away.

My "friend" had already decided to block me on what's app saying she did not want to get involved and another colleague told me that as soon as I went t off she took my book off my desk with my evidence in and gave it to bitchy manager . I had asked her to put it in my desk .

They sat outside my house and then "friend" began to message my adult daughter on social media which caused her to panic . There was absolutely no reason for this as I had given no cause for concern to anyone at all- they hadn't contacted me and so I hadn't contacted them . When they did my immediate thought was fuck off and I didn't engage other than to say I didn't want a welfare visit.

Fried said that because I hadn't replied to message that they'd panicked and asked if there was anything they could do to which I replied yes - leave me alone and leave the fake concern at works door .

I did not put in an official complaint as I found out while off sick I had got another job which is already interviewed for so I just moved on . I blocked the entire dept on everything.

I met a colleague for coffee last week who intimated that I should not have have blocked this "friend" .

My gut feeling is that I was not unreasonable. I have moved to a new dept and I get along with everyone and I'm happy . It just means I have no friends from work any longer .
I think the old dept saw me as a bit of a doormat because I was happy go lucky and never said no. I got my locks changed btw.
Wabu?

I give up . I've answered the questions.

They knew my mother was dying as that's why I'd asked for the day off .
They didn't ask me in 16 days how I was or if she died .
The first ck tact I received was a voicemail after 16 days saying very clinically it was a time to do a
Welfare check .

They the. Turned up at my house .

I text my ex fried. Who was there to say I did t want a welfare check and that I was off sick in bed (which I was)
Then they said their manager had insisted on seeing me and to come to the window.
I replied no . That I'd already taken union advice and they couldn't insist on that and that since they knew since I was talking to them that I was fine I'd like them to leave me alone .
They then . Refused. They found my daughter on social media and began to message her - she did not know any of this but they told her everything.
They then Refused to leave .

The friend who I felt betrayed by was there and she was the one who messaged my daughter.

They even threatened to put my door in .
I asked under that policing power they had to do that and it went quiet ( quite simply because I know the law better than them and I can say that there was no power of entry to my home )

They refused to leave . When I went for water I saw my colleague turned around and walked back out .
When they left I rang my fed rep and got a meeting so all of this is irrelevant because they told me categorically they had no right to do what they did .

My conscience was torn about wiping my so called friend out of my life due to it .
But having to defend my self here has actually been helpful in deciding whether that was right or wrong .

Maybe your friend was genuinely very concerned about you?

Nobody here has asked you to DEFEND yourself. They’ve only asked you to EXPLAIN yourself. Because your posts were unclear, and the actual events, timeline and communication also unclear.

You say you’ve answered the questions. You have, and I appreciate that you don’t have to. But in each of the answers there’s been a flood of new information that gives a different picture.

If I was faced with all that you’ve described, I wouldn’t be convinced that you’d “passed” a welfare check.

I’m glad you’ve decided you were right to block her - I completely agree.

This all sounds very strange and your latest update hasn't helped matters.
You say you are in a new role, so if you are happy there, why not just leave the other stuff in the past?

Trust me I know police powers of entry .
And I did reply to the message. The one and only message saying welfare check time saying I didn't want one and that was I had checked my right to decline.

They just thought they'd catch me out . They thought I was
Out hence the insistence on seeing me . However my fed rep already said it wouldn't have mattered if I was .

They checked in . I didn't get the voicemail. They turned up . I said I'm off sick ease go
Away and they wouldn't . That's the timeline.
I've actually got it written down .
12.33 voicemail left
13.00 they knock and shout through letterbox
13.02 they start messaging my daughter
13.01 I text to say please go away I'm off sick and do t want a visit
They then insist I come to window
I say no
13.55 I go to kitchen for water and there they are staring through the kitchen window

I wrote the timeline down for the meeting in person with fed rep.

I didn't have to "pass" a welfare check .
That's my point . I'd already checked with federation.

@stillvicarinatutu

Within 30 minutes of me receiving that voicemail they were banging on my door and shouting through the letterbox . At that point I said I'm fine thanks . I'm off and I want to be left alone Not once did they even ask me if my mother was alive or dead .

That is absolutely appalling. You were on sick leave because your mother had died and they were shouting through the letterbox?

Why are people being so horrible when it's so clearly a case of an unreasonable boss and friend?

These people didn't know their arse from elbow when it came to policy or procedures.
They were maki g it up as they went along .
I was following policy . I know that because I'd already contacted the fed rep . I didn't have to engage with a welfare check and as a courtesy I answered their message to say I was ok and to leave me alone .
The manager was there who had refused me a
Days leave . If I'd opened the door I'd have been sacked because I'd have punched her in the face .

@stillvicarinatutu

Trust me I know police powers of entry . And I did reply to the message. The one and only message saying welfare check time saying I didn't want one and that was I had checked my right to decline.

They just thought they'd catch me out . They thought I was
Out hence the insistence on seeing me . However my fed rep already said it wouldn't have mattered if I was .

They checked in . I didn't get the voicemail. They turned up . I said I'm off sick ease go
Away and they wouldn't . That's the timeline.
I've actually got it written down .
12.33 voicemail left
13.00 they knock and shout through letterbox
13.02 they start messaging my daughter
13.01 I text to say please go away I'm off sick and do t want a visit
They then insist I come to window
I say no
13.55 I go to kitchen for water and there they are staring through the kitchen window

I wrote the timeline down for the meeting in person with fed rep.

You may have written your timeline down, but you’ve got one post saying they turned up next day, and one saying 30 mins later. It’s still difficult to understand what actually happened, but it’s still not difficult to see that blocking them is the right decision.

No they turned up that same day .
The previous day I'd had a call from a wrtheld number but no message.
That it turned out was them but I do t answer withheld numbers .

And I probably too angry to carry this on . I am angry with them .
I asked for a days leave to see my dying mother and they said no we need yku in were short staffed.

And then I didn't get a card or a call a kiss my arse or anything.

The week before I had put money into two collections. One for bitch face who was processing her over active thyroid and went off sick to do so and one for another college was having a hernia operation.

I got no care , welfare , concern , nothing . They forced my hand in going off sick because they wouldn't allow me time to say goodbye. They told me to go after work . When I asked what happened if she died before then I got told it was a disciplined organisation and they needed me in .

I've worked my arse off through covid , through lockdowns. So yes I am angry about it . Too angry to appear rational obvs.

I can see why you’re angry with them. It’s justified. From before the news about your mother too.

I can make a fair guess at your line of work (use of federation rep 😉) so I can also easily believe the pressure they put you under to go after work and not have time off… my cousin is in the same line of work if I’m right - it’s never a straight, “off you go!” But they were wrong.

I hope you can find a way to process this and put it behind you. Not forgive and forget! Just put it behind you. The anger towards them isn’t going to hurt them (unless you want to raise a grievance) and it isn’t going to help you.

Your anger is visceral, and honestly you don’t appear clear and logical in all your post… but one thing that absolutely is rational, is ditching the arseholes! Totally 100% rational. Fuck ‘em!

YANBU.You will do better now away from that toxic environment.Every workplace has people like that who backstab their colleagues and carry tales to managers.Just be glad you are away from them now.Try and be good to yourself now.The bereavement and stress at work is hard but try to do at least one thing every day just for you to enjoy.It will take time,but you will start to heal and feel less emotional about it all.

I met a colleague for coffee last week who intimated that I should not have have blocked this "friend"

Block the colleague as well.

Congratulations on the new job.
And next time a manager calls you chaotic & scatty & asks if you are menopausal, WRITE HIS WORDS DOWN IN FRONT OF HIM & tell him that you are confused, as a previous manager always called you the most productive person on the team, so you are going to get a second opinion from his boss, & HR.

Oh and best wishes,onwards and upwards!

And without knowing what the sickness absence policy is, if I’m right about your employer, no way can I believe that they did they follow procedure having no contact until day 16. If any employer has heavily prescription policies on sickness absence it’s yours!! So I’m sure they did fuck it up from beginning to end.

I hope the new position continues to go well. Remember that the best revenge is a life lived well

@stillvicarinatutu

I told manager when she said I had to go in that if that was the case I was sick . I should have been entitled to compassionate leave under the circumstances - all I asked for was a days annual.

I sent sick note in and no i did not contact them because they did not contact me and tbh I was so angry I'd have told them to fuck off . There was no requirement to contact them once my sick note went in .
Yes I saw my mother . She did not see me .

I told manager when she said I had to go in that if that was the case I was sick

So you lied to your GP and were just pretending to be sick?

If that's the case, it looks like that's why they turned up because you basically told your manager to their face that you were going to lie to your GP.

*heavily prescriptive

Hello OP
Not giving compassionate leave = unreasonable
So-called friend throwing you under the bus with the book = unreasonable
Comment about menopause = misogynist and unreasonable
Actually paying a home visit when told not to = invasion of privacy
YWNBU and he flying monkey colleague can do one.
You have no reason to be in touch with the ex-friend - she betrayed you as soon as she handed in your evidence log
Best of out of there. Good luck in the new job x

They are not supposed to be contacting you whilst on sick. A welfare check 2 weeks into a 4 week sicknote is uncalled for. Od of put a massive complaint in.

the flying monkey colleague

Most employees would contact GP for stress caused by the employer
There would have been no need to, had there been a shred of compassion. Who, here, would have done differently? Except maybe not announce it in advance

You are not unreasonable to be annoyed, to ditch this non-friend or to leave the job. They sound like awful employers .

I think what's fired me up today is I found out my friend and landlady- who came to my rescue when my relationship broke down two years ago and rented me this little place - is on a ventilator after 3 massive heart attacks. I saw her 2 weeks ago. We had a cuppa . She messaged me to say she was to rest at her sisters and then had a third heart- this time leaving her heart function at 40% and a machine is breathing for her . It just stirred everything up for me I think . She's absolutely lovely. And I rent her bungalow so when she recovers (I'm saying when not if because I have everything crossed) she may need this place to live in . She's been more of a mum to me than mine was so I'm just sad .

I could have raised several grievances work wise but I decided not to ruffle any feathers and got the new job anyway . So I left it . It just feels like unfinished business. It was "friends" 50th and the guy I had coffee with was in about it . I told him what had happened and he was clearly shocked .

I do need to let it go. It's just been a really rough few months and I live alone so unless the dogs want to discuss it I've bottled it up .

My conscience was torn about wiping my so called friend out of my life due to it .
But having to defend my self here has actually been helpful in deciding whether that was right or wrong .

But she'd already blocked you
Has she attempted to contact you at all?

And if you didn't know they were coming out to do a welfare check until they turned up, how did you ring your 'fed rep' beforehand and ask if they were allowed to do a welfare check?