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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was I ?

90 replies

stillvicarinatutu · 21/11/2021 21:21

Way back last year a woman came to work with my team who within days rang me crying that her husband was abusing her and a drunk .

Although I hardly knew her I offered her a place to stay for the night and gave her a key so if she ever felt trapped she had somewhere to go.

We became friends .

During my time on this team It became apparent that a clique was forming and I stayed out of it .

A new line manager took over in July and had a one to one where he told me his impression of me was that I was chaotic and scatty and asked me if I'm menopausal .
The previous manager had described me as the most productive person in the team so I asked him if his observation had any bearing on my work . He said no.
Following this I was under scrutiny for everything from my time keeping to my workload which I documented in writing .

One morning in July i discovered my mother was gravely ill on a ventilator. We have been no contact for 20 years but I rang to ask for a days leave to make my peace and visit .
My immediate managers response was no. She said that it was a disciplined organisation and that they were short staffed and I needed to come in.

I rang my gp and she signed me off for a month .

In that time I had zero contact from work until after 16 days they decided I needed a welfare check.
I did not respond to the message . The following day the bitch manager and my "friend " were sat outside my house . I had several missed calls and I told them I was sick , in bed and did. It want to see them and to go away.

My "friend" had already decided to block me on what's app saying she did not want to get involved and another colleague told me that as soon as I went t off she took my book off my desk with my evidence in and gave it to bitchy manager . I had asked her to put it in my desk .

They sat outside my house and then "friend" began to message my adult daughter on social media which caused her to panic . There was absolutely no reason for this as I had given no cause for concern to anyone at all- they hadn't contacted me and so I hadn't contacted them . When they did my immediate thought was fuck off and I didn't engage other than to say I didn't want a welfare visit.

Fried said that because I hadn't replied to message that they'd panicked and asked if there was anything they could do to which I replied yes - leave me alone and leave the fake concern at works door .

I did not put in an official complaint as I found out while off sick I had got another job which is already interviewed for so I just moved on . I blocked the entire dept on everything.

I met a colleague for coffee last week who intimated that I should not have have blocked this "friend" .

My gut feeling is that I was not unreasonable. I have moved to a new dept and I get along with everyone and I'm happy . It just means I have no friends from work any longer .
I think the old dept saw me as a bit of a doormat because I was happy go lucky and never said no. I got my locks changed btw.
Wabu?

OP posts:

Cocomarine · 21/11/2021 23:36

Dogs are good listeners, and most are excellent cuddlers 😉

I’m sorry about your friend, no wonder that’s upended you. There are more important things to think about than those arseholes. Keep her blocked!

Original poster

stillvicarinatutu · 21/11/2021 23:36

Oh and I didn't lie to the gp! I was under enormous stress without her dying and having to sort her shit out when I hadn't seen her for years!
Jesus go away with judgement like that . Work just was the last straw and my gp had absolutely no hesitation in signing me off . How would I have lied to the doctor ? I told her exactly what was happening and she said I wasn't fit for work . It's a frontline emergency service so not like I could sit in my arse all day either .

OP posts:

Cocomarine · 21/11/2021 23:40

@DumplingsAndStew it’s not unusual in some industries to have regular contact with union or fed reps and the first thing some people do when signed off sick is to check in with them on what happens next. I’ve worked in heavily unionised environments where you’d call your rep on the way home from the GP!

Cocomarine · 21/11/2021 23:41

And not for any nefarious reason - it’s just the norm, how it works. As natural as (in my current non unionised company) looking up the company policy on the website.

Original poster

stillvicarinatutu · 21/11/2021 23:42

Ok .
I'm sick of justifying myself but here we go .
I am a police officer. I knew that they would sooner or later have to co duct a welfare check. So I preempted that and rang the federation to ask if I had to engage with it . And they said no . His exact words were "you're off sick - you can do what you want "

Any more questions that hi t that I'm not being truthful?
Fire away .

Thanks to the posters who have been helpful and constructive.

I'm going to leave this because rather than helping I'm finding myself just getting wound up again and there's nothing I can do.

Friend had blocked me then unblocked me . Then I blocked her , the work WhatsApp group , bitchface and divvy inspector. Blocked the lot .
Got told I'd got top marks in interview for a job I'd already gone for so moved when sick note ran out . Not had to see or speak with them since .

OP posts:

Hertsgirl10 · 21/11/2021 23:43

Why are people finishing this situation so difficult to understand?

Ex friend is a weirdo and so is who ever decided to do the welfare check.

YANBU.

Hertsgirl10 · 21/11/2021 23:44

@Hertsgirl10

Why are people finishing this situation so difficult to understand?

Ex friend is a weirdo and so is who ever decided to do the welfare check.

YANBU.

I mean finding.

WorraLiberty · 21/11/2021 23:52

@stillvicarinatutu

Oh and I didn't lie to the gp! I was under enormous stress without her dying and having to sort her shit out when I hadn't seen her for years! Jesus go away with judgement like that . Work just was the last straw and my gp had absolutely no hesitation in signing me off . How would I have lied to the doctor ? I told her exactly what was happening and she said I wasn't fit for work . It's a frontline emergency service so not like I could sit in my arse all day either .

I'm not judging you.

I'm questioning the line in that case I was sick

At that point in time, you weren't sick because if you were too sick to work, you would already have been signed off.

Sunshinealligator · 22/11/2021 00:15

OP, you sound very stressed, it feels like you've had a bit of a hard time on this thread, are you finding it to be helpful at all? Kindly going to recommend you step away, because I'm not sure that the many, many questions are particularly helpful to you at the moment.

You've had a hard time as of late, "friend" hasn't been a friend, managers been a bit of a dick, couldve emailed and requested you called to check in as there was a concern for your welfare instead of just turning up when you'd not returned a call from an unknown number.

Wishing you all the best in your new role. PS, absolutely drop "friend" without another thought. If she was a friend, she wouldn't have made it her business to hand over your book to anyone, and would've been in touch to ask how everything was-and not on day 16 as part of the welfare check.

jamandmarmalade21 · 22/11/2021 00:19

for everything you have been through. Your federation were right. Not that tit of a manager and ex friend. I have had this too...

YADNBU.

I think you will feel closure when you have had some counselling, Well away from work. (i have learned from bitter experience).

I am so pleased you have your dogs but I think if they could speak they would tell you to get some counselling for your own peace of mind and put it all behind you.

jamandmarmalade21 · 22/11/2021 00:21

@Sunshinealligator sorry cross posted with you.

Rubadubdub21 · 22/11/2021 00:25

You don't need to justify yourself Op.
You were not being unreasonable!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/11/2021 00:28

A new line manager took over in July and had a one to one where he told me his impression of me was that I was chaotic and scatty and asked me if I'm menopausal

I would have lodged a complaint with HR immediately after this comment was made. How DARE he?! Ugh. Awful and sexist AF.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/11/2021 00:29

@Rubadubdub21

You don't need to justify yourself Op. You were not being unreasonable!

I agree. I don't blame you at all for how you've felt OP.

EuromamaAussiekids · 22/11/2021 07:17

Hi op. You have another job lined up so please stop worrying. I think you did the right thing. If they were trying to contact you from a withheld number 16 days into your medical leave after not bothering with you at all , then that is trying to control you and being a bully. There was no need for them to upset your dd as well

At least you will never need to work with either of them again

FlowerArranger · 22/11/2021 08:00

@Sunshinealligator

Agree with above.

OP, instead of bottling it all up, could you have a few counselling sessions?

gettingolderandgrumpy · 22/11/2021 08:13

Op I think you’ve gone through a really difficult time and I’m so sorry about your mum . I think that was very wrong not giving you compassionate leave. I also think the way they have treated you is wrong doesn’t seem to be any empathy considering your having a highly stressful time but I don’t think ignoring them was the way to go but I do see why you feel that way.

Rissole · 22/11/2021 08:16

My DH was in 'the job'. His treatment when ill was every bit as bad as yours has been and worse. The behaviour of the management pushed him into further illness and he applied and got early retirement.

If he hadn't he would be dead now. It took him two years to be able to talk about the circumstances of his going sick and the treatment of him by his superiors without going into a panic attack so bad he would go blue.

If you are partially or fully away from that, you are making progress my friend but be warned, it might take years to feel ambivalent about it all.

Original poster

stillvicarinatutu · 22/11/2021 23:18

I've spent 12 years looking after other people. Some really shit people. Some really lovely ones . I was always late off , always the go to on shift because my Sgt once said it was wrong but you have your "go to " people who you just know will do exactly as asked and do it right . And that was me .
And when I asked for one fucking days leave to see my mother who was dying some absolute arse decided that I couldn't because there was a minimum staffing of 2 , and I was number 2 . Dickhead inspector had leave to play golf . I'd had leave knocked back 4 times by then due to minimum staffing that he'd plucked out of thin air . In my sept there was no official min staffing. If I'd done as they said I would have gone to hospital at 4 pm and an hours drive would have seen me get there after a days work at 5pm

She would have been dead by then. And they gave not a flying fuck. They didn't even message that day to ask if I'd got there in time .
16 days later they messaged. As I was in the darkest pit of depression and in bed with the phone off at 1pm . Because I could not function. So yes I was sick .
I couldn't sleep last night because I turned my phone off and my heart was pounding and pounding out of my chest at this thread . I had a panic attack and couldn't sleep . I'm angry and pissed off and sick of being good old reliable who shows up stays late and does all the work because the others are incompetent or lazy . Yet I'm scatty ? I haven't lost one single crown court case in 12 years. Not one . Because I amfucking good at my job and I know it . I fight for the people who haven't a fight left in them and I win for them .
And this is how I got treated for it .
My scatty chaotic work got me an award for victim care . They didn't know that though and didn't actually care . I come across as happy , giggly , so maybe a bit scatty. Dint know . But I'm bloody good at my job and I fight and fight for people when others don't . Had a job today that's 18 years old and I begged for them to reopen it because it needed it . The victim needed it . And I know had I been the officer on it I'd have moved heaven and earth to get it reopened but all I could do was ring and beg and then email and beg .

I care so much about people it hurts me . But I get treated like shit because o just do my job nd do t main and crack on and graft and people think I'm just some machine without the need for help or compassion in my own right .

I'd given so much to that last dept they thought nothing of telling me work came first before my own dying mum and they said it without a shred of - anything. They just expected me to say ok and go in . And deal with that days work and then go drive an hour to see my then dead mother and they didn't care.
I can't get my head around that . I just can't .

OP posts:

ludocris · 22/11/2021 23:37

I'm very sorry for your loss and the stressful time you've been through.

A few years ago I went through a horrible period at work and was treated awfully (along with a number of other people). It's all in the past now but I have found it difficult to move on from the trauma - it's the injustice of awful managers getting away with treating people like shit.

And that's without having experienced the infringement on privacy you've been through whilst also coping with a bereavement.

So I agree that you've done the right thing in cutting them all off and I wish you all the best in moving forward with your life.

Original poster

stillvicarinatutu · 22/11/2021 23:39

I'd had to go nc with my mum . She had married a violent drunk and watched as he broke my Fingers with a cane for not eating all my food , made me watch when he ring my rabbits necks . Evil evil man . She did nothing to protect me but he meant nothing to me while she did . She was my my mum. I'd long given up on getting her to love me but actually knowing she was dying made me feel I needed to get there . Work tried to deny me that. One woman who decided her staffing ratio was far more important and one idiot man who was off playing golf and who live since learned is universally taken the piss out of for being a bell end and so scatty he misses things on the radio and then pipes up 10 mins later looking like a Bellend . I aren't sure how I get over that injustice .

OP posts:

Weatherwax13 · 23/11/2021 00:16

@stillvicarinatutu I had a friend in the police force who was treated every bit as badly as you, so I can really sympathise with what you've experienced. The job was her life and she ended up in a very dark place for some time. It started when she had to take time off for a serious pregnancy related condition.
My opinion is that her sgt was already pissed off that she'd dared fall pregnant and take her entitled mat leave and that he saw his opportunity to put the boot in.
She was hounded.
So I can well believe your account.
A move to a different role in another station was when things turned around but it shouldn't have come to that.
She was so dedicated and they bullied and victimised her - even down to involving colleagues she'd thought of as friends, just like what happened to you. Not just ridiculous but also completely unprofessional and against regulations.
Really hope the new job is the start of a better time for you.

Marvellousmadness · 23/11/2021 00:31

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jamandmarmalade21 · 23/11/2021 00:33

@stillvicarinatutu

i really feel for you. You have tried your very best.

I am so sorry for what happened to you in your childhood.

I really think some counselling will help you offload and heal. Sometimes it's not that you need to get over something it's about accepting that it has happened and how you can arm yourself in future to move forward.

So glad you are out of that job.

Good always comes out of bad. You've been through such an awful lot in your life. You are succeeding though.

.....and the best revenge is success....

JustJoinedRightNow · 23/11/2021 01:35

@Marvellousmadness have you read the thread? How has OP created this mess for herself? Her mum died and her work refused to let her have the day off to see her before she died.

OP I’m sorry for what’s happened to you at work. I hope your new job brings nice colleagues and people who appreciate what a hard worker you are. Also, stop staying late and look after yourself!

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