Does this require anger management?

[IfIwasablackbird]

My DH is not a bad person, but surly sometimes but generally ok.

Bit of a stressful day as our DS is vomiting on and off and vomited at lunch. We got him clean in the bath etc I took him for a nap.

The cat had jumped on the table and was eating the gravy. DH went ballistic. Shouted so loud for him to ‘Fuck off’ and then shouted a bit about it. DD terrified abs and ran upstairs in tears. I heard this all clearly from upstairs. Initially thought it was a passerby or neighbour.

I am really shocked and he’s acting like it’s ok? Yes it’s annoying and the cat did it last week too but this irrational anger seems scary even to me. I’m worried for DD seeing this.

The puss is ok but I also don’t think it’s ok to shout at the cat.

Am I being unreasonable in saying he needs to get help for his explosive anger?

Anyone?

This would not be acceptable for me

Shouting at the cat as a one off does not need therapy.

Are there other times his behaviour is abusive or out of control?

He occasionally just explodes like this. It’s rare but just really horrible.

If it's a one-off, maybe ask your DH how he's feeling - is he stressed, unhappy, feeling ill? Was he struggling to cope with several competing tasks and the cat eating the gravy was the last straw? Lots of things can contribute to someone losing their temper without necessarily meaning a person has a wider anger management problem.

If it's an emerging pattern of behaviour, then he should probably look at getting some additional support to break the pattern before it becomes ingrained.

If this is typical behaviour for him, then it's time to evaluate whether you want to stay with a man who shouts and swears at small animals and scares children in the process.

DD is only 7. NDN messaged to ask if I was ok as it was so loud.

I'd say making his child so scared she hides upstairs requires anger management, yes. Unless that is his aim.

I've shouted at my dog in times of stress. If it's a one off then more acceptable

Not an ‘anger management’ problem unless he has behaved in similar ways with friends, family, work, when in public.

‘Surly’ and nasty outbursts, at home only? Potential domestic abuser.

He has self control and is choosing to behave like it towards you and your DC.

He definitely wasn’t trying to scare DD. It was frustration and lack of control.
He was upset when he saw DD crying but is now minimising.

@Dozer unfortunately there has been the odd outburst elsewhere. He once punched a door at work years ago. I wasn’t there, he played it down but had a bruised hand.

Where do you go for help with anger management? Is it a therapy situation?

So he "exploded" so badly that your neighbour felt the need to get involved as she was concerned about you?

I wouldn't want a man like that around my DC.

He definitely wasn’t trying to scare DD. It was frustration and lack of control. He was upset when he saw DD crying but is now minimising.

What is he minimising? Her upsetness?

Come on OP - he could have just shooed the cat off the table, but he didn't, he went ballistic. People do that so that other people think twice about upsetting them in any way. Walking on Eggshells.

Your neighbour is now worried, that's how bad it is.

@icedcoffees yeah that’s pretty much how I’m feeling too

He's having a bad day and he shouted at the cat. It doesn't happen regularly.

Honestly, I'd be annoyed that he'd upset DD and would want him to apologise but I think it's a step too far to be talking about anger management, and even domestic abuse as some people have mentioned. Is nobody allowed to be a bit overwhelmed and lose it briefly sometimes? Or is there a different standard for men?

@Shedmistress he’s minimising that shouting was that bad. Said his parents did it so it’s ok kind of thing.

I grew up with alcoholic parents. It’s really upset me my DD being exposed to that level of anger and being scared. I remember being scared.

Unacceptable

PS the next door neighbours and your child being scared...

I wouldn't have him anywhere near her /me without some intervention for his anger.

V, v unlikely ‘lack of control’. He chose to express his anger like that. And is now minimising.

He’s not a risk to us. He’s not violent and is generally a very doting father.

If you are on tender hooks in case he kicks off you know that’s no way to live
If he was so loud he neighbour feared for you you know that’s not normal

I do think you need to remove yourself and your children from the situation you are in. Whether or not he realises that his behaviour is abusive is up to him but your children certainly should not be subject to it.