Does this require anger management?

[IfIwasablackbird]

My DH is not a bad person, but surly sometimes but generally ok.

Bit of a stressful day as our DS is vomiting on and off and vomited at lunch. We got him clean in the bath etc I took him for a nap.

The cat had jumped on the table and was eating the gravy. DH went ballistic. Shouted so loud for him to ‘Fuck off’ and then shouted a bit about it. DD terrified abs and ran upstairs in tears. I heard this all clearly from upstairs. Initially thought it was a passerby or neighbour.

I am really shocked and he’s acting like it’s ok? Yes it’s annoying and the cat did it last week too but this irrational anger seems scary even to me. I’m worried for DD seeing this.

The puss is ok but I also don’t think it’s ok to shout at the cat.

Am I being unreasonable in saying he needs to get help for his explosive anger?

@IfIwasablackbird

He’s not a risk to us. He’s not violent and is generally a very doting father.

Yes he is a risk to you. His outburst was violent.

He's a "doting" father who terrified his daughter so much that she felt she had to hide from him and the neighbour came round because of how frightening it was.

Come on OP. You are minimising this. I don't know if anger management is what's needed - I bet you he doesn't do that in front of his boss, so he probably does know how to manage his anger. I think if anyone needs some mental health support here it's you and DD.

Nobody is in tenterhooks. He doesn’t shout at me or the kids.

I just think it’s a really out of proportion response and he needs to learn to address whatever it is rather than going mental out of the blue.

He’s playing with DD now and trying to be as helpful as possible to alleviate the tension. Tension from me as I’m thoroughly uncomfortable with letting it go as one of those things.

I have a bias here, because I have spent 28 years with a man who yells constantly. It's so wearing, and I feel totally defeated by it (and other things, obviously).

This is absolutely worth making a massive fuss about. Aggression rarely reduces over time, it tends to increase and escalate. I seem to spend my life saying this, but don't be me.

He’s not a risk to us. He’s not violent and is generally a very doting father.
I said this too. I was wrong and it has escalated. It's too late for me, but it may not be for you and your children.

I feel it’s worth adding we have been together 15 years. I’m not going to leave him at this moment in time.

Any advice on how people get help with anger management would be good. I feel there’s a cause to this but I think I’ve established it’s not acceptable or normal.

He doesn’t shout at me or the kids.

DH went ballistic. Shouted so loud for him to ‘Fuck off’ and then shouted a bit about it. DD terrified abs and ran upstairs in tears.

I'm not telling you to leave him, OP, but you need to think about how you protect your child from his abusive behaviour.

@IfIwasablackbird

He’s not a risk to us. He’s not violent and is generally a very doting father.

Violence isn't the only risk, though.

He shouts and swears around your children to the point where neighbours feel the need to intervene, and your DC sobs and runs out of the room in fear.

Every time she has to experience her father shouting like that, it will impact her. And even when he's not actively shouting, she'll be scared about stepping out of line in case he directs his anger at her.

Please don't subject your children to this. You have a chance to break the cycle here.

I don't think this is a LTB moment, no. But if you notice a continued increase in aggressive behaviour then maybe it would be worth getting him to be checked for diabetes- my husband's behaviour first started changing when he developed diabetes, although it is now controlled and I suspect he just rather enjoys being an arsehole.

I don't know much about counselling, but if he asks his GP to look into anything that is causing this change, then it might come up as part of that. The key thing, though, is that he has to want to sort this out.

@IfIwasablackbird

He’s not a risk to us. He’s not violent and is generally a very doting father.

You say this, but he has angry outbursts which suggests he can't control his tempter. If your child ran upstairs crying and the neighbours messaged to see if you were okay (!) I suspect it must have been fairly loud and aggressive sounding. Just because he hasn't been physically violent yet, he sounds unpredictable, and also not all abuse is physical. Your DD is at an age she will be absorbing so much which will all contribute to her relationships going forward.

@IfIwasablackbird

I feel it’s worth adding we have been together 15 years. I’m not going to leave him at this moment in time.

Any advice on how people get help with anger management would be good. I feel there’s a cause to this but I think I’ve established it’s not acceptable or normal.

Well what's he doing about seeking support for anger management? If he doesn't want to then it won't be effective anyway, and if he does, he is an adult and he can look into it. If he isn't willing to change please remember it's not just about you and your relationship with him, your children need protecting.

Why hadn’t he moved the bloody gravy off the table? The cat was just being a cat and it happened last week so he knew it was a possibility.
He’s unreasonable at best, has a dark side at worst.

Oh come on. It's only on mn that no one ever loses their rag, raises their voice or screeches in frustration. Back in the real world most people have a ffs moment where they might act out of character for a few mins. He's apologised to your daughter for scaring her, presumably he hasn't killed the cat and gravy can be remade.

If you can't tell him after 15yrs that his very occasional outbursts scare you then you have bigger problems.

Can we talk about the cat and the gravy? Because that would seriously f* me off too.

Yuck. Cats on the table. Thats the first problem. All kinds of nasty stuff on cats. Keep it outside then thats part of the problem solved.

Cats getting onto tables and eating is ville, I might not have shouted but I certainly would have told it to fuck off as I shoved it off the table, I simply cannot bear cats doing this.

The problem I have with sending people to 'anger management,' is are we saying people are never allowed to be angry or raise their voice? Isn't getting annoyed over things like this a normal reaction? I'd be more concerned by someone who was emotionless in every situation. I get that the DD was apparently upset, but it's simply not possible always to count to 10/ react in a calm 'acceptable' way. I also don't think that anger management is necessarily helpful, my DP was made to go by an Ex and basically it means he's spent years having to internalise any kind of exclamation like if he stubbed his toe (in a situation where I would yell an expletive) he kind of makes an internalised noise, holding in that shout, because him shouting was too loud. It's only after nearly a decade that he has in the last couple of years started releasing emotions when he's hurt, or upset, or angry which frankly I find much easier to deal with and healthier.

Cats getting onto tables and eating is ville, I might not have shouted but I certainly would have told it to fuck off as I shoved it off the table, I simply cannot bear cats doing this.

The solution is to shut the cat out while you eat/prepare food, not to shove it and tell it to fuck off!

No I dont think he needs anger management. Anger is allowed to be expressed. Cats on tables make my skin crawl.

@luckylavender

Can we talk about the cat and the gravy? Because that would seriously f* me off too.

🙈👆😅 yup. Thats the core issue for me.

@caramac04

Why hadn’t he moved the bloody gravy off the table? The cat was just being a cat and it happened last week so he knew it was a possibility. He’s unreasonable at best, has a dark side at worst.

'DARK SIDE' Hello Psychotherapist, Id like some anger management therapy because I shouted at the cat when it got up on the table to eat gravy. People think I have a dark side...

I don’t know if I’ve been really unlucky but I’ve never known anyone who hasn’t occasionally lost their shit. He’d had a crap day, had a shout and told a cat to “fuck off”. People on MN talking about him clearly having a dark side and removing your family from this abuser. Maybe I’m deeply traumatised by thinking this isn’t unusual behaviour from your DH. It’s not ideal, obviously, but if I’d been given a pound for every time I’ve shouted or told the cat to fuck off id be rich.

I agree, perfectly reasonable IMHO, cat should not be allowed to jump on tables and scoff the gravy

@luckylavender

Can we talk about the cat and the gravy? Because that would seriously f* me off too.

But if that bothers you, surely you shut the cat out of the room before you serve the food? You don't allow the cat to, well, be a cat, then get aggressive, swear and shove it on the floor because of your own mistake.

If the cat is somewhere it shouldn't be, just pick it up and move it. There's no need get aggressive with an animal who is just doing what comes naturally to it and isn't actually hurting anyone in the process.

@Ariela

I agree, perfectly reasonable IMHO, cat should not be allowed to jump on tables and scoff the gravy

So, again, you shut the cat out of the room before serving the food. You don't shout, swear and become aggressive because you, as the human, has made a mistake.

@rainbowandglitter

I've shouted at my dog in times of stress. If it's a one off then more acceptable

I don’t think it is.

Take it elsewhere.

@WillThisUsernameDo

I don’t know if I’ve been really unlucky but I’ve never known anyone who hasn’t occasionally lost their shit. He’d had a crap day, had a shout and told a cat to “fuck off”. People on MN talking about him clearly having a dark side and removing your family from this abuser. Maybe I’m deeply traumatised by thinking this isn’t unusual behaviour from your DH. It’s not ideal, obviously, but if I’d been given a pound for every time I’ve shouted or told the cat to fuck off id be rich.

He terrified his DC. He scared his partner. It was loud and angry enough that the neighbour was worried. He's got form for anger and violence.

Not sure if pp just haven't read the thread. This isn't a case of someone having an exasperated "oh fuck off" moment. This is a man who has regularly frightened his partner and is now starting on the kids.

Not sure if pp just haven't read the thread. This isn't a case of someone having an exasperated "oh fuck off" moment. This is a man who has regularly frightened his partner and is now starting on the kids.

Where did you get that from? Op said
"He occasionally just explodes like this. It’s rare but just really horrible."