Does this require anger management?

[IfIwasablackbird]

My DH is not a bad person, but surly sometimes but generally ok.

Bit of a stressful day as our DS is vomiting on and off and vomited at lunch. We got him clean in the bath etc I took him for a nap.

The cat had jumped on the table and was eating the gravy. DH went ballistic. Shouted so loud for him to ‘Fuck off’ and then shouted a bit about it. DD terrified abs and ran upstairs in tears. I heard this all clearly from upstairs. Initially thought it was a passerby or neighbour.

I am really shocked and he’s acting like it’s ok? Yes it’s annoying and the cat did it last week too but this irrational anger seems scary even to me. I’m worried for DD seeing this.

The puss is ok but I also don’t think it’s ok to shout at the cat.

Am I being unreasonable in saying he needs to get help for his explosive anger?

Any advice on how people get help with anger management would be good

The answer is, you can't help him.

He has to seek help himself which he won't because he doesn't think that he needs to change.

I'm sorry to hear that you won't be taking steps to protect your children though.

He’s not ‘stating on the kids.’ That’s not really fair.

The cat isn’t allowed on the table and got to the table in the commotion of our toddler vomiting at the table hence the table being abandoned temporarily while he went in the bath and we got clean.

I think establishing this isn’t right, speaking with him once emotions have calmed (on my part) is good for me and my children. He isn’t dangerous, he isn’t a risk to the children or me. Blindly ignoring it would be ‘not protecting my children’.

The cat isn’t allowed on the table

It's a cat. It doesn't follow rules. It just needed shooing away.

He isn’t dangerous, he isn’t a risk to the children or me

He's already got you treading on egg shells. You are trying to work out why he does this and why he doesn't do anything to change his behaviour.

Your children are already at risk because they live in a house with aggressive behaviour. This isn't the first time so you have been tolerating it and normalising it for your children. That is not protective behaviour.

You both need to change but what you really seem to be missing is that you can't change his behaviour, you can only change your own which is why you need to do something proactive, not keep living like this.

He occasionally just explodes like this. It’s rare but just really horrible.

there has been the odd outburst elsewhere. He once punched a door at work years ago. I wasn’t there, he played it down but had a bruised hand

NDN messaged to ask if I was ok as it was so loud.

this irrational anger seems scary even to me. I’m worried for DD seeing this.

I'm just responding to what you've said about the situation, OP. As pp have said, anger management is only going to work if he understands how wrong and abusive his behaviour is and seeks out help himself.

He's already got you treading on egg shells. You are trying to work out why he does this and why he doesn't do anything to change his behaviour.

Based on the information given by the OP she is triggered by it because it brings back unhappy memories of alcoholic parents. That does not mean that everyone who raises their voice is abusive.

I grew up with a violent alcoholic. I don't drink and I am extremely uncomfortable around drunk people. That doesn't mean they are a danger to me just that my own past skews my judgment sometimes. When we were younger I would make DH stay in a hotel if he had been out drinking with his friends even though he was never a horrible drunk.

He’s not ‘stating on the kids.’ That’s not really fair.

I'm just going off what you said in your OP.

"DD terrified abs and ran upstairs in tears"

That is starting on the kids. It doesn't matter that it wasn't aimed directly at your daughter, she shouldn't have to experience being in the same room as her dad while he's "going ballistic" and telling the cat to "fuck off".

@Colin56
If the reaction to a cat behaving like a cat, in a wholly predictable manner, the reaction should not be so dramatic as to cause a neighbour to query the safety of the household.
My puppy pees on the floor - my fault for not keeping a close eye on him. I do not shout at him.

[quote IfIwasablackbird]@Shedmistress he’s minimising that shouting was that bad. Said his parents did it so it’s ok kind of thing.[/quote]
Tell him it isnt ok

Have you ever shouted/swore/lost it for whatever reason ?

@IfIwasablackbird

He’s not a risk to us. He’s not violent and is generally a very doting father.

Doting ... until he decides to lose his rag & terrify his 7 year old child.

It's not ok just because he isn't violent (yet).

Anger management might help, but he'd have to first admit he has a problem, then have a strong desire to work hard on changing. A man who minimises his terrorising of his child isn't going to want to do that.

And he IS a risk to DD.
Living in fear of your dad going off on one is extremely damaging.

Tell him that's his last outburst, that you do not accept his minimising, that it's NOT OK because his own parents did it, & you will take steps to end the marriage if he ever explodes like this again.

See how he takes that. I'm concerned that he'll react angrily to it, because the next steps from minimising are denial, blame-laying & rage. But you have to step in OP, & make him totally aware that if he does it again, you're off.

Course I have but not like that.

@ChargingBuck thank you.

You are spot on and this is what I’m going to tell him and I’ll stick by it. I don’t want my daughter to feel how I did growing up.

[quote IfIwasablackbird]@ChargingBuck thank you.

You are spot on and this is what I’m going to tell him and I’ll stick by it. I don’t want my daughter to feel how I did growing up.[/quote]
No probs OP.

It's so sad that he doesn't feel the same way as you - that he doesn't want his DC growing up exposed to the kind of anger he was as a child. You could try raising that point with him too - in your own time.

@WallaceinAnderland

I do think you need to remove yourself and your children from the situation you are in. Whether or not he realises that his behaviour is abusive is up to him but your children certainly should not be subject to it.

Classic mumsnet. Leave, dont negotiate or state your needs. Go be broke and a single parent because your husband shouted at a cat. Christ.

[quote caramac04]@Colin56
If the reaction to a cat behaving like a cat, in a wholly predictable manner, the reaction should not be so dramatic as to cause a neighbour to query the safety of the household.
My puppy pees on the floor - my fault for not keeping a close eye on him. I do not shout at him.[/quote]
What an onerous response. Its a communication issue, posts like yours minimise people who really need DV help.

What an onerous response. Its a communication issue, posts like yours minimise people who really need DV help

It's not a race to the bottom @Colin56.
This angry man terrified a small child. He doesn't have to be punching his family black & blue for his rage to be unacceptable.

Plus, I don't think you know what onerous means.

If someone shouted at my cat they would be out on their arse. I'm serious. No animal should be shouted at ever

@ChargingBuck

What an onerous response. Its a communication issue, posts like yours minimise people who really need DV help

It's not a race to the bottom @Colin56.
This angry man terrified a small child. He doesn't have to be punching his family black & blue for his rage to be unacceptable.

Plus, I don't think you know what onerous means.

But he's not punching his family black and blue. They need to have a discussion about more acceptable expression of anger and get the cat off the table beciase thats fundamentally gross. Go read some other posts where women are screaming at men out of misplaced/hormonal/whatever/ rage and ask if the men there are told to leave?

Poor cat. Just should have picked the cat up and put it out.

But he's not punching his family black and blue.
Which is exactly what I said. Is English not your first language?

They need to have a discussion about more acceptable expression of anger
Do they? If a man raged so badly in my home that he terrified my child, I'd be calling the police to have him removed. "They" don't need to have a discussion, he needs to get a hold of himself.

Go read some other posts where women are screaming at men out of misplaced/hormonal/whatever/ rage and ask if the men there are told to leave?
Go & read 'em yourself @Colin56.
Of course abused men are told to leave.

@ChargingBuck

But he's not punching his family black and blue. Which is exactly what I said. Is English not your first language?

They need to have a discussion about more acceptable expression of anger
Do they? If a man raged so badly in my home that he terrified my child, I'd be calling the police to have him removed. "They" don't need to have a discussion, he needs to get a hold of himself.

Go read some other posts where women are screaming at men out of misplaced/hormonal/whatever/ rage and ask if the men there are told to leave?
Go & read 'em yourself @Colin56.
Of course abused men are told to leave.

Eeeek, hysterics and covert racism plus a few personal insults. Bye.

Jesus. He's not a robot. It's perfectly normal to lose your shit on occasion. I've shouted at my cat too before when she was being really annoying after a stressful and horrible day.

covert racism - personal insults - You what now? Where?!

Is this more comprehension difficulty, or are you having a laugh @Colin56?