Have I left it too late?

[Patriciathestripper1]

My marriage is awful. There is no emotional closeness from his side or romance or anything. I avoid going to bed as I know he will pester me for sex and I end up going through the motions for him.
I actully don’t like him anymore as he causes rows all the time, picks on everything I do and what our daughter Does. I could go on and on but it’s quite depressing really.
I’m now 57 and have a part time job with a low wage, It just about covers our weekly shopping snd dd out of school activities. DH makes sure I spend it too as he dosnt like me having money.
I have no savings. I sometimes think about just walking out with dd and going to a refuge and trying to start again. She is 14 and has never been allowed friends over or to sleep out… he dislikes everyone. If we plan days out he spoils them. Have I left it too late to start again?

No you haven’t left it too late. It’s never to late to change something you don’t like. What happens if you refuse sex, or challenge him on his rules? Could you increase your hours in your job, or get a full time one? Unless there is violence in the relationship, what would the consequence be of you changing the way you and your daughter are living in the household (such as allowing her to have friends around)?

You could live until you are 90. Don’t waste those next 33 years with him!

It’s not too late. Leave. Build a happier life without him. I hope someone can come along with some advice on where to start

It's never too late.

Do not sacrifice your own and your daughters happiness, for this abusive arsehole.

You have a right to have the best life you possibly can.

Do not waste any more years on this scumbag 💐

On sex - he will pester then cause a row of refused then sulk and not talk and make me feel bad
Friends- he point blank refuses to have other kids in the house… says it because he works long hours and wants to relax when he gets home or dosnt line their parents ….. always an exscuse.
He will give dd lists of jobs to do then pick the way she had done them eg not enough washing up liquid in water when washing up.

Then if she talks back he reminds her of all the activities he pays for that she does… which I have actually took over paying for since working.

It’s never too late. It sounds like financial abuse and coercive control (including coerced sex). You have every right to go to a refuge.

Please get out you’re still young and so is your DD. Imagine what a life you could create for yourselves away from this arsehole - no more coerced sex, you’d both be free to do as you like, she could have friends round etc.

Please speak to someone about making a plan to leave him. I will keep you in my thoughts I hope for the strength to change you and your daughters life. You only have one life enjoy it and watching your daughter grow up happy and confident as well. Can you try woman's aid I know u probley think oh its not that dramatic but its worth conversation in any case. Good luck OP 🍀

Don’t let your daughter think that this is a normal relationship. You owe it to both of you to leave.

He sounds very controlling. I guess the difference between an abusive relationship and a normal one, is whether you feel that you can stand up to him about the important issues. If you don’t, then start looking at options to leave now, to give yourself and your daughter the best possible chance. And with regards to sex, refuse to engage when he starts to argue. Keep your phrases simple like “no means no”, “l don’t want to have sex tonight”, then walk away if he argues. If that’s easier said than done, go to Citizen’s Advice to understand your options for moving out ASAP.

I took the attitude, I have spent 30 years with this life, do I really want to spend the next 30 doing this as well?

Good luck. I hope it all works out for you and it is never too late to say goodbye.

OP, I'm so very sorry. This sounds like such a difficult and unhappy situation.

Of course it's not too late, you're a middle aged woman, and your daughter has the rest of her life ahead of her.

I think the absolute worst thing about an abusive relationship is how low and worthless it makes one feel. That feeling is a lie. It is not real or true. You are stronger than you know. You - and only you - are able to make the choice and break free of a situation that is not benefitting you or nourishing you.

If you want to start again, there is a tonne of advice on here and out there. Lots of support on MN. Have you friends, family you can contact and ask for help? Have you had a look at Women's Aid?

It's never too late to cut your losses.

Now is a great time to start a new life for you and your daughter. Bite the bullet and go for it. It may be tough in the short term but so well worth it in the long term.

I would get this moved over to the relationships board OP. You will get loads of practical advice. Not that you were wrong for posting in auburn, but the relationships board is so supportive.

Auburn????? Damn autocorrect. I meant Aibu!

You and your DD in a refuge is sounding bliss to a life where your DD is belittled and criticised.

What spurred me on to leave my unpleasant husband was the thought of spending retirement with him. My only regret is not being brave enough to put my childrens' lives first earlier though - one has mental health issues as a result of their childhood.

I left when my dd was a similar age.

Its honestly worth it. I look at her now and really can't believe how much she has come on in that time. I often feel sick at the thought of what she would be like if I hasn't have left.

It's never too late! My mum left my emotionally and financially abusive step dad (sounds actually very similar to your H) at 69, with a tiny amount of savings, owning no property or car and living off a modest pension. It's the best decision she ever made and she wishes she did it years ago. She loves and has control of her own life finally! You need to make the move to protect yourself but also the well-being of your young daughter! I have lasting low self esteem issues/depression/anxiety relating to similar treatment from my step father.

Hoping you're alright today, OP.

It isn't too late.

Getting a full time job would be a start.

Half of everything is yours, get a ft job so you can get a solicitor, start making plans, getting ducks in a row.

Is there a spare bedroom? Even if you have to make up a reason eg back pain, so need to sleep alone for a while, will make it easier to get your own space.

And refuse any further sex.

Getting a full time job would be a start
I agree. Your freedom comes with a regular decent income. For this you need to work ft. Your DD is old enough to stay home alone a few hours after school.

You'll feel much better when you become self sufficient and don't rely on your husband financially any longer.

Just leave- your daughter will thank you, he sounds like a complete wanker. It’s never to late!

If you stay, in 4 years time your daughter will likely move out as soon as she can, to get away from him. How much nicer would it be for both of you to get out now and live a life you both enjoy.
It's not too late. The sooner you do it, the sooner your better life can start. You and your daughter deserve it. We're all going to get older either way, why not get older living a joyous life away from your awful husband.