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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Have I left it too late?

80 replies

Patriciathestripper1 · 19/11/2021 21:50

My marriage is awful. There is no emotional closeness from his side or romance or anything. I avoid going to bed as I know he will pester me for sex and I end up going through the motions for him.
I actully don’t like him anymore as he causes rows all the time, picks on everything I do and what our daughter Does. I could go on and on but it’s quite depressing really.
I’m now 57 and have a part time job with a low wage, It just about covers our weekly shopping snd dd out of school activities. DH makes sure I spend it too as he dosnt like me having money.
I have no savings. I sometimes think about just walking out with dd and going to a refuge and trying to start again. She is 14 and has never been allowed friends over or to sleep out… he dislikes everyone. If we plan days out he spoils them. Have I left it too late to start again?

OP posts:
MintJulia · 21/11/2021 01:50

Leave. You deserve more.

My df was like that. He destroyed my & my sisters' confidence, we were never allowed friends, never allowed nice clothes or makeup. He undermined us at every opportunity. He tried to prevent us going to college. He drove all my dm's friends away. He made sure she didn't have a support network.

His plan was to ensure that at least one of us was left a spinster, to look after him in his old age.

Get out now, while you have the chance. Your daughter will love you for it.

groovergirl · 21/11/2021 03:16

His plan was to ensure that at least one of us was left a spinster, to look after him in his old age.

Wow, @MintJulia. I hope you and your sisters made amazing lives for yourselves, looking fabulous of course, and that and none of you ended up as that "chosen one"!

OP, if you don't go now, how many more years will you lose? The critical thing now is that your DD does not "learn" that this is the way marriage works. You can be happy as a divorcee and your DD can enjoy a calm and cheerful home life that will successfully launch her into adulthood. I'm 56 and divorced from a man who kept trying to isolate, guilt-trip and manipulate me and encouraged his DPs to do the same. It was awful. Don't let such a fate happen to you. You're miserable, but you don't have to be. See a solicitor ASAP.

MintJulia · 21/11/2021 09:05

Grin yes, the youngest walked out at 16. We all have careers and children.

None of us will ever rely on a man for an income. In an odd way, it was an effective education.

ESGdance · 21/11/2021 09:28

You need to leave this relationship specifically for your DD.

You as a grown adult may be able to tolerate / endure his behaviour to some degree (although you absolutely shouldn’t) - the impact on your DD is however much worse and life long. These are her formative years and this thug is bullying and undermining her in her own home and restricting her social life. She should be being celebrated, encouraged, guided and cherished all day every day. This will have a huge detrimental impact on her own sense of self and emotional well-being.

Get her out and work to reverse that damage over the next few years.

I am sorry that you are in this situation but there is a lot of practical help out there to move you on. First step is to be open with your DD that this is not a calm and peaceful home, that she should not have been treated like this, that she deserves more and that you will ensure that happens.

nomoneytree · 21/11/2021 11:41

Christ get out. Pack your bags and go.

DroopyClematis · 21/11/2021 12:49

You're not living, you're existing.
You need to get yourself and your daughter away from this environment.

ChargingBuck · 21/11/2021 13:43

I’m now 57 and have a part time job with a low wage, It just about covers our weekly shopping snd dd out of school activities. DH makes sure I spend it too as he dosnt like me having money.
I have no savings.

I'm 59, single, & never been more content OP. It's not too late - especially not for your DD.

You've got a right bastard there, but don't start thinking about refuges yet. Start getting clever.
What is your housing situation - rented or owned?
What assets do you or DH have? Cars, pensions, savings ...

Whatever there is - HALF OF IT BELONGS TO YOU.
Wise PP's will be along soon to advise you on the whole "getting your ducks in a row" caboodle - what documents to hide somewhere safe, what paperwork you need copied etc.

Whatever you do, do it secretly.
No need to give him the heads up. But once you start planning how to leave, & visualising how your & DD's lives are going to look when you are shot of this nasty man, you are going to find a source of strength you never knew you had.

Even things that seem small - like imagining a beautiful clean bed, just for you, with no sex pest in it - will become enormous motivators.
Do you have friends in real life who you could confide in, or has he isolated you like he's trying to isolate DD?
Can you get a recommendation to a really excellent divorce lawyer?

You need a lawyer who will protect your interests, advise & support you. That could be your first step - no need for DH to know a single thing about it. Just have the appointment - you don't have to rush into anything immediately following it - but you DO need to have the power of information.

You might even find you'd be better off financially by divorcing him.
You & DD will certainly be better off emotionally.
Keep posting, you are not alone Flowers

Larryyourwaiter · 21/11/2021 15:34

I agree. You’ll be entitled to part of the assets, benefits and CM. You could well be much better off financially, physically and mentally.

Luredbyapomegranate · 21/11/2021 15:46

No - you could easily live another 30 years - that’s a third of your life. Don’t waste it. He sounds awful and controlling and you clearly don’t want to be with him.

Pull all your joint financial info. Go see a solicitor, find out how it will be split - you will be entitled to as much as him after kids and a long marriage. Make plans, only tell him when you action it.

You will probably need to work FT but don’t make any changes that will alert him yet if you can help it. Are there some savings you can access, or could you sell something to give yourself a cash float.

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 21/11/2021 15:48

Good God woman, get out !

You need to plot an escape

Patriciathestripper1 · 22/11/2021 08:37

Thanks guys… we has a row last night… he recons it all down to me and how I don’t appreciate how much he does for the family ect ect… he then said if I don’t want to pay for all the shopping (I asked if he would contribute as some of the things he asks for are expensive which sparked the row about how much he does as he pays the Eli tricot you bill ect..) I can pay rent to him instead. So I said fine I’ll pay a third of the rent and buy my own food and you can buy your own food and do your own cooking and cleaning. So things are getting childish now which is how things usually progress. Last time he didn’t speak to me or our daughter for three weeks solid.

OP posts:
Patriciathestripper1 · 22/11/2021 08:39

Sorry that should have said electricity bill

OP posts:
Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 22/11/2021 08:46

You have responsibility to your daughter protect her from this control and as it would appear abuse.
She'll end up thinking this is what she has to put up with from a partner.
I'm not pretending it'll be easy but hoik up your big girl pants and start to establish new happy lives for you and your girl!Flowers

Lalliella · 22/11/2021 09:07

Never too late. You have the whole of the rest of your life ahead of you OP, don't waste even another year on this horrible man. You can give your DD a much nicer life by leaving, you don’t have that much more time left of her living with you, why not make it as nice as possible by starting again just the 2 of you? Lots of good advice on this thread for how to do that. Good luck!

laudete · 22/11/2021 09:14

You haven't left it too late. There is always time for a fresh start. Also, your daughter is 14 so she's old enough to express her own wishes ie even if he applies for a court order she can refuse to see him. Yes, financial hardship is difficult but money doesn't equal happiness. Best wishes and good luck. x

Twillow · 22/11/2021 10:33

Mine was like that. Genuinely thought I should be grateful to him for all the things he did 'for us'. Never thought to thank me for endless cooking/cleaning/childcare on top of work. When I left, he said 'But I have your back' - really??

ChargingBuck · 22/11/2021 12:09

Last time he didn’t speak to me or our daughter for three weeks solid.

Can you please stop being so passive? THIS IS NOT OK.

Get some smart advice from a smart lawyer.
Get a snapshot of the assets, & a clear picture of what would accrue to you on divorce.
And get your kid the fuck away from this man.

Embracelife · 22/11/2021 12:22

@Patriciathestripper1

Thanks guys… we has a row last night… he recons it all down to me and how I don’t appreciate how much he does for the family ect ect… he then said if I don’t want to pay for all the shopping (I asked if he would contribute as some of the things he asks for are expensive which sparked the row about how much he does as he pays the Eli tricot you bill ect..) I can pay rent to him instead. So I said fine I’ll pay a third of the rent and buy my own food and you can buy your own food and do your own cooking and cleaning. So things are getting childish now which is how things usually progress. Last time he didn’t speak to me or our daughter for three weeks solid.
Stop all this. See a lawyer. Leave Your dd deserves better Now Not in 5 or 10 years
Embracelife · 22/11/2021 12:23

No point arguing.
Just act.
Get all tge finance info
Book a lawyer
File divorce
Look fir small places to rent for you and dd
Act
Don't argue
Just act

Ohpulltheotherone · 22/11/2021 12:30

OP when he is out of the house go through everything and find all the financial information you need - mortgage statements, bank accounts, pensions etc - you don’t need all the in-depth details but find what you can. Take photos and store them on your phone in a hidden file or send them to a friend / family if you can’t keep them on your phone. Take your passports to a friend if you have them.

Book with a solicitor for a free consultation- you can usually get 30 mins free.

You can do this OP, your daughter will thank you for it.
You can be happy and live the rest of your life on your terms.

Hankunamatata · 22/11/2021 12:33

Increase your work hours and go look for a flat to rent. Lifes too short

BrightYellowDaffodil · 22/11/2021 12:34

It is NEVER too late to have a better life. You deserve it OP Flowers

arethereanyleftatall · 22/11/2021 13:27

@Patriciathestripper1

Thanks guys… we has a row last night… he recons it all down to me and how I don’t appreciate how much he does for the family ect ect… he then said if I don’t want to pay for all the shopping (I asked if he would contribute as some of the things he asks for are expensive which sparked the row about how much he does as he pays the Eli tricot you bill ect..) I can pay rent to him instead. So I said fine I’ll pay a third of the rent and buy my own food and you can buy your own food and do your own cooking and cleaning. So things are getting childish now which is how things usually progress. Last time he didn’t speak to me or our daughter for three weeks solid.
So, what did you actually say to him?

Did you say, like every one of us has advised, that you're leaving, or did you pointlessly tiptoe around pointing out minutia he does wrong?

No point arguing.

4 words 'I'm leaving you.'

ESGdance · 22/11/2021 13:42

www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/

Have a read of this resource. The silent treatment / stonewalling is emotional violence. You and your daughter should not endure 3 weeks of emotional violence. The row last night just shows how futile and emotionally derelict your family life is. There is no need to live this way. You can emotionally leave him / detach in your head. That mental shift without declaring it to him can be profound. Once you know that you have a vision of a future with a calm and peaceful home the next steps are just the logistics to slot into place in a way and at a time that suits you.

Do you have anyone in real life that you download to and lean on for support at this time?

How do you want to be living this time next week, month and year?

How do you want your DDs day to day life to be next week, month and year?

Visualise that and the energy will come at the right time to make it happen.

abstractprojection · 23/11/2021 19:02

Just wishing you well OP far better advise in here then I could give

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