Have I left it too late?

[Patriciathestripper1]

My marriage is awful. There is no emotional closeness from his side or romance or anything. I avoid going to bed as I know he will pester me for sex and I end up going through the motions for him.
I actully don’t like him anymore as he causes rows all the time, picks on everything I do and what our daughter Does. I could go on and on but it’s quite depressing really.
I’m now 57 and have a part time job with a low wage, It just about covers our weekly shopping snd dd out of school activities. DH makes sure I spend it too as he dosnt like me having money.
I have no savings. I sometimes think about just walking out with dd and going to a refuge and trying to start again. She is 14 and has never been allowed friends over or to sleep out… he dislikes everyone. If we plan days out he spoils them. Have I left it too late to start again?

Youre not too old, my love, and its not too late. Do it for your DD if not for yourself, but you are important too. You don't deserve to be treated like this.

It’s never to late, and it would be giving your daughter the message that women do not have to ‘put up and shit up’. Would you need to go to a refuge though? Whose name is the house in? I’d recommend calling Women’s Aid and a solicitor.

Please leave , he will bash the spirit out of your daughter as he is doing to you also.
He sounds like a controlling bully , no one should have to live like this .
Start making plans , work out what you will be entitled to , even if money is a bit tight for a while at least you will be free.
Just think about all the nice things you can do , the friends she can have visit without this big dark cloud of a man looming over you .

Even if you feel like it's too late for you (it's not by a long, long way) - it's by no means too late to save your DD. She's only 14 - you have the chance of creating a new life for her while she's still young enough to benefit from it. You have the chance of ensuring she doesn't follow your pattern into an abusive relationship of her own.

You and she have so much more life to live. Do you want to be living like this in 20 years when you are old and she has left home?

Thank you for all your advice. Feeling stronger just reading the comments.

It isn't too late.

On the contrary, don't waste a second more.

Make plans tonight.

Tell him as soon as you're sorted.

Financially -

1. Full time job an option?
2. He will have to pay child maintenance and possibly spousal maintenance (my ex does).
3. Even if 1 & 2 can't happen, the uk does have a good benefit system.
4. Even if 1,2 & 3 doesn't work, you will still be better off without this absolute arsehole in your life.

Good luck op x

You deserve better for yourself - but even if you’re not convinced of that, your daughter deserves better too.

Tonight can be the first night you say no to sex. You'll never have to be raped by him again. So what if he sulks. What difference does it make - just ignore him.

When I got divorced, with my ex I went through love, hate, indifference. Indifference is marvellous - I can't care less what he thinks of anything I do.

Thé good news is once you've left it's her choice to see him or not. Not the laws.

You both deserve better. Leave now, while your dd still has a few years at home with you. Don't let her leave feeling like her entire childhood was awful. Let her leave home knowing it was awful but you changed it for her. He sounds abusive as well. As pp said, she might not want anything to do with him as well.

Please get some legal advice and start planning to leave. Do you own your own home? I’d start getting copies of financial documents and things together, keep copies in a secret email address.
I would start skimming some of the money you do have and saving it somewhere so you have some ready cash.
Poor you and your DD.

Of course you've not left it too late. If he died, would you kill yourself because you couldn't possibly make a new life for yourself? No, you'd grieve and then figure something out.

Please PLEASE get yourself out of this horrible ordeal, by any means possible. You've wasted enough of your precious life on him already, don't give him any more of your life.

You live once.

This is not a rehearsal.

I wouldn’t be asking myself if I’ve left it too late, I’d be telling myself I’m too old to be putting up with this miserable existence.

Life is too short to be unhappy OP.

Imagine if you left 10 years ago. You could have had 10 years of not being miserable.

I’m a single parent and I’d rather be single than alone and unhappy in a relationship.

God no. my aunt left my uncle in her 80's and was happier alone.

Picture your perfect life.
Is he in it?
I thought not.
What you have to do is the practicalities to make it work financially.
I

No it's not too late! You're still young, my mum and MIL are ten years older than you and I don't think of them as old in the slightest! My mum's just set off on a trip to Africa on her own to photograph lions. She used to not be able to step outside her house alone. You're stronger than you think OP. Call women's aid for advice and start planning to leave now.

You need to get out to show your daughter this is not acceptable in a relationship. She is at a key stage for setting a blueprint for her future choices in a partner. Do you want her to chose a man like this? If not then please get out while you have the time and energy to build a new life!

Anything is better than this for your daughter

Close your eyes and picture you and your girl living on your own. Just the two of you. It looks fab, doesn't it? Your daughter's pals are hanging out at your house, you're all having a laugh, life is good, relaxed and happy. That's your life. It's waiting for you. See a lawyer. Leave. Take control and live that life.

From what you’ve said, it’s too late now to NOT start again. The only way is up x

Agree with Kendoddsdadsdogsdadsdead

"It's never too late.

Do not sacrifice your own and your daughters happiness, for this abusive arsehole.

You have a right to have the best life you possibly can.

Do not waste any more years on this scumbag"

Also agree with maddening

Getting a full time job would be a start.

Half of everything is yours, get a ft job so you can get a solicitor, start making plans, getting ducks in a row.

Is there a spare bedroom? Even if you have to make up a reason eg back pain, so need to sleep alone for a while, will make it easier to get your own space.

And refuse any further sex."

Speak to a solicitor too.

Excellent advice from Mojoj.

"Close your eyes and picture you and your girl living on your own. Just the two of you. It looks fab, doesn't it? Your daughter's pals are hanging out at your house, you're all having a laugh, life is good, relaxed and happy. That's your life. It's waiting for you. See a lawyer. Leave. Take control and live that life."

Could you get out by Christmas and have your first Christmas together away from him?

You and your daughter have the chance of good life together.
Yes, it will be bumpy to start with but when the dust settles your daughter will really thank you for being brave and making the changes. It gives her the chance of a more normal teenage life.
Be brave OP!

God I’m rooting for you and your daughter so much. You’re 57, don’t let him have another year of your precious life. You and your daughter could be so much happier together without his miserable, controlling self.