To have had enough

[Atypicaldancer]

I can’t cope with the situation with Dd 15. We’ve just got to the end of the line. She has struggled to attend school and lessons. She has meltdowns and runs away if staff challenge her. She has obsessive behaviour around people and we recently had a visit from the police after she fell out with a friend and told her in a message to ‘kill herself.’ That stopped when the girl’s mother made me aware, but the police only visited today - six weeks later and brought it all back again. I’m distraught. She’s failed all her mocks, after trying to go in and sit them. I am worried for her future.

She’s calm this morning and has said sorry. She was sobbing last night because a watermelon fell on the floor!

You are doing an amazing job op

You may need to let go of the exam expectations for now, but you have a plan for her career in hairdressing. Can you start planning for that now with her? Maybe a Saturday job if she is up to it? Something to work towards.

She does not appear to be in control of herself, and that is a very frightening experience. I am sure you have done this, but when she feels really angry/upset she needs to count to ten and then use distraction methods until she can safely get through the urge to react. I had a similar issue when I was her age, and not to downgrade your situation but mine was hormonal and I grew out of it once they settled. I am honestly a different person, but I was totally beholden to my emotions at fifteen. I needed a safe person. The sexual assault won't have helped.

I agree. I don’t think suggestions of anti social personality disorder or my DH being a sexual predator that some posters have made have been helpful! This is a confused teen who needs support.

She’s started the pill to help with hormonal fluctuations too.

Those ripped up papers. So similar to my DD12 who has ADHD and ASD.

Going private for the assessment was a good decision. If they recommend medication (if she has ADHD) then you can quickly move through the process of finding the right one/dose. (Assuming you think it's a good idea)

It's made a massive difference to my DD, she is able to concentrate in school rather than squirming around and messing with her pens etc.

My DD often has major meltdowns over minor things, even when she's being vile to me, I just hug her. It's the only thing that works. Sleep is a big thing, she needs lots of it.

My dd was off the rails at 15. She passed her mocks but failed her real ones. Had CAMHS and counselling. Also would be inappropriate and obsessive too. Her behaviour (swearing, hitting, school-refusing, weed smoking) nearly broke me and my DH and he's her dad. In the end we called social services who got us the CAMHS referral (but I know their threshold is higher currently) and me some support with parenting from Barnardos. So calling SS was very helpful, although scary as they may have put her in a foster home, as we couldn't keep her safe. She was arguing with people, police called when girls turned up at my house and threatening to beat her up.

Now, 7 years on she is working and happy and we have a wonderful relationship. We have worked through what happened and she has friends and interests. Good self-esteem too. I sometimes think she's on the ASD spectrum and was assessed when younger but although she has traits there was nothing definitive. She is my lovely, quirky daughter.

It's about finding the right help and then hanging on in that wind tunnel until you all come out the other side. Good luck.

A family support worker came to see us but said I was already doing everything right and didn’t think an early help assessment was necessary- given that I’ve already liaised with school and accessed CBT, a psychiatrist and a full clinical ASD and ADHD assessment privately. She’s already been through Camhs (they saw her within a month - so no waiting list for her) but it didn’t have much impact. We do now have her enrolled on a 12 week programme of support through the Youth Service.

Thank you - I hope so. Dd is usually calm at home- it’s these emotional outbursts that can be difficult. She’s certainly not a danger to anyone else in the house and I don’t feel she’s a danger to herself either (CAMHS agreed, which is why they discharged her). She does have significant difficulties and I worry about her, but it’s not to that level.

Hang in there, wait for the assessment results and take it from there. Just do what you are doing, lots of love and healthy relationship reinforcement when she has the meltdowns.

If she is ASD or ADHD you can find plenty of role models out there, this helped my DD understand that being ND is ok.

Hang in there. I know it's tough, but she'll come good. She'll be OK. With your love and support she'll be fine.

Dd was excluded from school for a day today. She was agitated when she got into school and the teacher was trying to talk to her when she wanted to be left alone, so she said ‘fuck off!’ I had to come home and get her. We have a reintegration meeting next week and I’m worried about how much time I’m having to take off work.

If she is ASD or ADHD large noisy schools can be absolutely awful for them. She maybe did just wanted some quiet, no noise.

When are her assessment results through?

My DD has benefited a lot from being in smaller class sizes at her school, it's helped her moods a lot and the medication but she's been in total meltdown tonight. (Because I said no rather than reframe my answer a different way)

I just had to bite my tongue and hug her.

It's really hard, I'm sorry. I hope she and you manage to have a peaceful weekend.