To have had enough

[Atypicaldancer]

I can’t cope with the situation with Dd 15. We’ve just got to the end of the line. She has struggled to attend school and lessons. She has meltdowns and runs away if staff challenge her. She has obsessive behaviour around people and we recently had a visit from the police after she fell out with a friend and told her in a message to ‘kill herself.’ That stopped when the girl’s mother made me aware, but the police only visited today - six weeks later and brought it all back again. I’m distraught. She’s failed all her mocks, after trying to go in and sit them. I am worried for her future.

I have ASD and EUPD and have trouble with many of the areas you mention. I was lucky enough to be given an inpatient place to complete DBT. It has helped me massively. It is based around skills that you learn in 4 areas - Mindfulness, Distress Tolerance, Emotion Regulation and Interpersonal Skills. If you look it up you should be able to find some resources for learning some of the skills. Good luck

Sorry to hear this. I would try to find out more about the assault on your daughter and how she feels about it.

You can apply for an EHCP yourself OP, please look at IPSEA www.ipsea.org.uk/ and SOSSEN www.sossen.org.uk/ for information.

OP you sound amazingly supportive and your dd is lucky to have you

Please look into attachment impairment, as that could be playing a role.

Also please be kind to yourself!

You are a good mum
You are doing all the right things
I was similar at the same age
I’m now 50 after a difficult life and only just getting an asd diagnosis.
My parents and step parents were dreadful,
You dd is lucky she has you ,well done for getting her help and assessments ,that will make positive differences to her life
Good luck xx

Thank you. I know she needs me to fight her corner.

It’s so hard though.

Bumping this for the evening crowd. Sorry I’ve probably nothing to add, it just helps to talk.

@Atypicaldancer of course talking helps. My mum had no one to turn to, my steodad became angry and didn't support me or my mum. It was hard for her.
I have no advice as you're doing everything you can, just want to tell you it won't be forever.

@HerRoyalWitchyness thank you - that helps. I will always support her and she’s not bad - she’s just struggling.

Of course you will. My mum still supports me now. (She's my carer as I'm physically disabled too)
Mum's are fab.

DH thinks she is abusing me. She can be abusive.

She told me to kill myself today. But in the next breath she wants my attention and to tell me about her day 😞

I’m so worried-she doesn’t want to go to school tomorrow. She says there’s no point, because she’s useless and shouldn’t try.

A few things stand out. She mentions peadophiles, calls her stepfather a cunt and he in turn is utterly destructively unsupportive and accuses your daughter of 'abusing' you. Im going to be vey direct here- have you every worried she is at risk with him.

No. Absolutely not. She has always talked about taboo stuff. She is not at risk from my DH.

She has abused me (she’s hurt me physically in the past and has brought me to tears).

If we are going down this track I will pull the thread, because it’s not helpful.

She’s also referred to the mum of a girl she was bullying as ‘a fat cunt’ and I’m sure the mum hasn’t abused her either.

I had to ask. But yes, you must pull the thread if you don't get the narrative you want. I just had to ask whether it had entered your head. It would mine but I am not you.

It hasn’t. I wouldn’t be with him if I thought that. None of the many professionals working with her have thought that. It’s not a narrative- it’s my life and my dd’s life. She is very controlling of her time with me and sees him as a threat to that. She has behaviours that predate me meeting DH.

DH has private health insurance that he’s put Dd on to - which is how we accessed CBT and her psychiatrist.

@Atypicaldancer

She becomes hyper focused on perceived injustice and will follow ex friends around school or message them (though that seems to have stopped). She will run away from teachers and from school. She cries and says she wants to kill herself. She gets angry. Her self esteem is very very low.

Sounds like what I was at that age and I have borderline personality disorder. It took me longer than others but I am in my final year of my honours degree. Live a fairly stable life and am a good mum to my daughter. My mum said she would go through it all again seeing the person I have become. I am also on medication and underwent a lot of therapy. It took work and I have struggled with addiction in my life also.

I didn't mean narrative as a literal story. I meant reaction. I feel that you want people to agree that your daughter is a nightmare. You sound caring. Your husband sounds divisive and not someone who loves her. She clearly knows that. Im sorry. It sounds miserable. I hope you choose youelr daughter, no matter how difficult she is. I hope yoi get to the bottom of it. From a stranger's brief perspective, it certainly sounds she is crying out to you for help. Wishing you the best.

I don’t want people to agree she’s a nightmare. I want answers. I think she’s autistic, but I guess the assessment will hopefully give me more info there.

DH does struggle with her treatment of him, and me- it’s my love for her that keeps me going. But there’s a long way between that and being an abuser. She can be very difficult to like at times and if she wasn’t my child I would struggle. If I’m honest, I don’t love DH’s children- but I care for them very much.