To have had enough

[Atypicaldancer]

I can’t cope with the situation with Dd 15. We’ve just got to the end of the line. She has struggled to attend school and lessons. She has meltdowns and runs away if staff challenge her. She has obsessive behaviour around people and we recently had a visit from the police after she fell out with a friend and told her in a message to ‘kill herself.’ That stopped when the girl’s mother made me aware, but the police only visited today - six weeks later and brought it all back again. I’m distraught. She’s failed all her mocks, after trying to go in and sit them. I am worried for her future.

Good luck. With my own children when they are displaying unusual behaviours (in the context of them, or societal), I ask them very directly 'is anyone or anything hurting you or scaring you'. No messing, no confusion- a direct question that could apply to an online relationship, a school friendship or something much more sinister. Whether the wider diagnosis it autism or not, this type of question could be hugely helpful to her. It sounds like she is shouting at you over and over but her message isnt coming through. Whatever it is.

OP, it sounds very much like EUPD/borderline personality disorder. An acquaintance’s daughter has this and is very similar to how you have described your daughter.

She’s already disclosed that a boy she knew sexually assaulted her last year. That’s with the police now. We have a very close relationship and I do listen to her - though her social communication issues mean that she doesn’t always do well at long conversations. She hates school and she says that she hates everything about it - the noise, the crowds, the students. She’s more comfortable at home. She doesn’t want to go in tomorrow and I suspect she won’t.

She has refused to go into school again today. I’m not sure she’ll pass any GCSES.

Deep breath. Don't panic.

Exams can be retaken. Getting her diagnosed, stable and supported first are important. (Writing as a parent of an autistic child who had awful difficulties)

You can apply for an ehcp yourself. Ask on the Sen boards here. Or IPSEA.

You tend to readjust priorities to "gettingyour kid to adulthood alive." Exams are an added extra.

Sorry for multiple posts. Mumsnet is broken on my phone

She isn’t going to pass any GCSEs. And that doesn’t matter at the moment because they are far from the most important thing going on. She can do them later on, when she has sorted other things out.
Are there any other courses she could take? Any evening courses in hairdressing? Could she do an online course, or go to Interhigh or something like that? Can The Princes Trust offer anything?
Do you work? Could you ‘home school’? Are there other schools that she could try?

Her GCSEs really are the least important thing right now. They can be taken at a later date. I was 27 when I did mine.

I’m a teacher so I can’t home school her - she won’t let me either. I’m not even allowed to tutor her in English (my subject). But I think I do need to make peace with her possibly not passing any GCSES.

I don’t think she can cope with any school. I will look at the EHCP process.

I do think at some point you have to say right, this isn’t working. What can be changed? And once you’ve come to terms with the need for a different approach it can be easier to start looking. It’s difficult because we are so indoctrinated with how education should be that it can be difficult to break out from that.

@Atypicaldancer

She has abused me (she’s hurt me physically in the past and has brought me to tears).

My Autistic boy has hurt me in meltdowns, kicked, punched, head butted. I get how much it hurts, it feels horrible, he'll even laugh while doing it. It's not who he is, it's not abuse, he has no control when he's in a meltdown. I find withdrawing myself and his siblings behind a locked door to be the best way to handle it. He runs out of steam, takes his feelings out on the door instead of me.

Autistic girls are often misdiagnosed with mental health conditions. It could be something like EUPD/BPD, just something to keep in mind. Make sure the person doing the assessment is good with diagnosing Autism in girls as it can present very differently. Meanwhile if it were me I'd do some reading up on PDA Autism and techniques that can help there. Also if she has any sensory issues as these can make being certain places much harder. My Autistic boy is ok with school, but can't go into shopping centres and anywhere noisy or bright. It's not unusual for Autistic girls to cope for many years, then suddenly hit a point where it all becomes too much.

Her boyfriend was over tonight and had to go home early as he’s working tomorrow. She didn’t want him to go, so she said she would cut herself if he went and then cut her arm with a piece of broken mirror as an act of manipulation. I just feel so lost.

OP, that doesn't sound like ADHD or autism. That is textbook BPD/EUPD. I hope you can both get the help you need. You have got to tell her psychiatrist about this, seeing as they don't seem to be picking up on this.

Antisocial Personality Disorder? Personally I hate labels, I think we are all on a mental health spectrum, but in our broken system you can't get help without a label.
I'm glad you've posted- hang on in there!

Not an expert but did work with young people with mental health problems when training as a social worker.. sounds like emotional personality disorder to me Otherwise know as , borderline personality disorder go back to your GP and asked to be referred to Camhs

It does sound like bpd but I don’t think psychiatrists like to diagnose personality disorders so young, given the turbulence of the teen years anyway. I had similar traits as a teen (overdose, self harm, eating disorder, fear of abandonment) and I don’t now as an adult. I will of course tell the psychiatrist about it though.

We do have autism and ADHD in the family and she does have sensory issues.

I do not want to go back to CAMHS and they wouldn’t accept her anyway, given that we’ve got the support privately.

I really hope she hasn’t got antisocial personality disorder, having googled it. I don’t think that’s her at all. She has had a stable and loving upbringing and her behaviour is up and down.

@Atypicaldancer you know your child better then anyone , just keep doing what your doing trying to get her the help she needs , with Sensory issues you could well be right about the ASD .. hope you get the help

OP you sound like a mum who is at her wits end but trying her best. I’m no expert but I would agree with firm boundaries for her behaviour. Could you also maybe try to introduce something into your DD’s life to give her a focus outside of school, family, friends etc. I’m thinking helping out at the nearby stables, dog kennels, etc. Anything which gives her a break from normal life? I’m sure that in a few years she will settle down and life with her will become more manageable but it’s about finding a way to get to that point. My DS is 15 and has struggled with school from day 1. Last month he hit rock bottom and we agreed Will school that he would drop a GCSE and attend school part time whilst also doing work experimence one day a week, and working from home one day (so 3 days in school). It has made a huge improvement in this mental health. I’m so glad we’ve been able to arrange this yet I didn’t even know it was an option until I asked. Would your DD’s school be open to such an option? Might be worth asking.

@Atypicaldancer

I don’t think she can cope with any school. I will look at the EHCP process.

There are schools with small class sizes and generally present a nurturing environment. You’ll have to fight for it but there will be the right school for her.

No Wise words OP, just wanted to say you're doing a great job, and to remind you that her wellbeing is more important than GCSEs at this stage. Once she's well enough and has the right environment she can retake them. Honestly it seems like everything when they're in Yr 11 but they don't matter - her future won't be ruined by not having them now. I've got lots of successful friends who failed GCSEs for various reasons and xam.bqck to study later.

Her future will be helped by looking after her mental health , which you're trying to do.

If going to I school hurts her too much, try to find an alternative. I'm not staying she should sit at home all day - that may not help her. But if together you can come up with an alternative that reduces her anxiety then that's great.

Good luck