AIBU to end my relationship with my fiance over his exs behaviour woth DSD?

[NatureWalk]

This could be a long one sorry!
Background: I live with Fiancé (F) my 3 children from a previous relationship (8,5&4) and dsd is 50/50 between us and her mum (A) and strpdad(B). A & B also have a 2 yo together (C).

A is self diagnosed with several MH issues but doesn't receive help amd has no formal diagnosis. Some background on As parenting. Dsd has breathing issues, in the winter a cold goes straight to her chest and she's been in and out of hospital because her oxygen levels drop really low and she needs oxygen. A has only once been to hospital with dsd it used to be just F and then me and F after we met. Once A refused to ring an ambulance and we had to drive over and ring an ambulance for dsd and she was rushed into hospital. Drs said at that point dsd was close to having to be ventilated her breathing was so bad.
A also never bothered to potty train dsd, we did that and every time dsd came back from A she'd be in a nappy again. A treats dsd like a baby, she dresses her, puts her shoes on, tidys her room, only stoped feeding her baby food jars when she was 3 and we insisted she stopped (which was a huge row). Dsd comes back from A talking like a baby (pointing at things and going uh uh rather than using words). Dsd has epic tantrums when she comes back from A, if she's asked to dress herself, tidy her room, eat her tea etc she'll scream that mummy never makes her and we are horrible to her, she'll even lie on the floor and kick her legs yelling I'm a baby I can't do it. The worst ones are when she says she'll never be loved or happy again. School have picked up on these (they happen daily at school too) we got called into a meeting which A refused to attend with us and went at a later date. School is eriously concerned and actually had a teacher who specialises in child psychology sit in and observe dsd. We are still waiting for the report back about that.

F and I live across a county border from A, dsd was registered with a Dr near us. Its a great Dr they really go above and beyond. Dsd has some food issues, if its not beige she won't eat it. We work hard on getting her to try new foods but a lot of veg makes her gag or even vomit. A won't get her to try anything amd feeds her the same few meals over and over because "it's too stressful" trying to get her to eat. We spoke with the gp and hv and they were working to set up some classes etc to help dsd over come her food issues. Then after an argument between F and A, A moved dsd drs without telling us so everything the gp amd hv had set up stopped as it was in a different county.
A is insistent dsd is autistic which is why sje has food issues and uses it as an excuse (sje can't correct dsds bad behaviour because it's autism, she can't get dsd to try new food because it's autism etc). Dsd is the most outgoing child I know, she makes friends easily, she is smart, clever and funny, she loves cuddles and is very compassionate. Every time we mention to school/gp/hv etc that A thinks she's autistic they outright say they have never seen anything to make them even consider autism. To us it's just another excuse for A not to parent.
A never takes dsd out, even as a baby when F & A were still together ot was up to him to take her to baby groups etc. When dsd comes back to us and we ask what she's been up to it's always watched tv/played on the tablet. What's worse is when sje says mummy was going to take us to the zoo/Park etc but didn't feel well sonwe didn't go. Dsd Hates plans changing because of this if we say we are going somewhere but stop off somewhere else before hand dsd will scream that we arent going where we promised, that we are horrible etc, even if we explain we are going there next.

Anyway on to the main problem, I've tried loads to help F sort problems with A, I've contacted citizens advice, mediation, and even social services. I've offered to use our wedding fund to get a decent solicitor to help but F keeps putting things off and refusing to take steps to sort the issues or he'll start and then A will calm down so he'll stop and say he doesn't want to rock the boat while A is being reasonable.

If F & A have an argument A will block his calls and refuse to tell him how dsd is doing and on occasion has threatened to keep dsd away from us.

The main problem at the moment is I have covid (only found out through a lateral flow for work but then went downhill and have been really rough for over a week). The day we found out F let A know and sje started screaming at him that we knew before dsd came over and had kept it from her which is not true. She then said she didn't want dsd back until my 10 day isolatin period was up because she didn't want C to get it. Dsd was obviously upset sje won't see her mum for 10 days. So my mum has been taking dsd the 30 min drive to school (then driving back to get to work) amd then doing the same to pick dsd up as F doesn't drive and I cant leave the house. Today mum couldn't get to school until 10 mins after pick up due to work so we convinced A to pick dsd up amd wait in the car park the 10 mins until my mum could get there. Dsd has developed a cough but she's had a pcr and is given a lateral flow every day before school which are all negative, ots a chesty cough to do with her breathing, her inhaler makes a difference and she doesn't have a temp etc so school are happy for her to go. So today dsd actually gets to see her mum but coughs and F receives a horrible phone call with A yelling dsd has covjd and now C will get covid and die and when that happens I'll hold you responsible. F tried to call her down but A hung up and blocked him. Dsd got upset asking why her little brother was going to die. We calmed her down when she got home and me and F went off to talk about As behaviour away from the kids.

I told him I'd had enough and he needed to do something and actually do.it not start it and then stop when A calmed down as this whole situation isn't fair on any of us especially dsd.
F then just flipped out and started yelling that I was supposed to support him and I wasn't being supportive I told him i was trying but finding it increasingly difficult and I'd actually questioned our engagement because I didn't know if I could be tied to As crazy behaviour for the rest of my life. F yelled if thats how you feel ill go to my parents. Hes taken dsd and left (hours ago) and I told him if he can't talk like an adult without running away then I'm not sure I want to marry him. Befor he left he said some horrible things including that I was a bitch to dsd that i treat her differently to the biys, that I'm vile to him and don't support him. That I didn't do anything for him while he was ill with a sickness bug a few weeks ago and he's had to do everything while I've had covid (which isn't true I did everything while he was ill). I'm seriously questioning the future of our relationship if every time A is difficult F takes it out on me.

AIBU?

Theyve always had a 50/50 split but F used to live with his parents close to A. He moved in with me as my kids were settled in our house, go to school/nursery my family all live nearby and so does the biys dad etc and I was very clear I wasn't uprooting them for anything when we met and F was fine with that. He likes where we live and tbh it's easy for him not driving he doesn't have to drive back and forth to collect dsd etc. I normally take dsd to school and F walks the biys down to their school and nursery which is close by.

Please join/ post/ read the step parenting board. As PP have said, these situations rarely get easier/ better tbh.

There are two things that concern me for you.

1. How this drama is affecting your DC - this sort of stress is clearly consuming you - it will be impacting your children. Have you considered what it’s like for them to live with these issues?

2. Befor he left he said some horrible things including that I was a bitch to dsd that i treat her differently to the biys, that I'm vile to him and don't support him.
   This is really worrying. Don’t dismiss this (as other posters have suggested) that things get said in the ‘heat of the moment.’ IME this doesn’t get made up on the spot, it gets said because he has somehow thought it/ feels it. Whatever you end up doing, keep an eye on this and bottom this out. Where did this come from?

You’re taking on a very dysfunctional family tbh. He is part of the issue. And he’s now attacking you because you’re starting to challenge the status quo of what he is comfortable with.

Honestly, these are early warning signs. Take heed.

Sorry in advance for the long response. I just really feel for your situation.

I can relate, big time. My last long-term partner had (undiagnosed) MH problems and basically behaved the exact same way your partner's ex is behaving. My ex had a daughter (my then-step-daughter), and I felt like the only adult/parent in the situation. It was maddening and extremely sad. But, like you, I had no legal or actual control over important things. I was basically swimming against the tide. It ultimately came down to me drowning in it, or choosing to get out of the water.

You're in a messy, dysfunctional, seriously troubling situation - and in all honesty, I don't know how much you will be able to do to change it on your own.

I can massively empathise with BOTH you and your partner.

I've been where you are - unable to have any actual say in things, yet also being the only one actually trying to parent the child in a healthy way.

But I've also been where your partner is - dealing with someone who isn't capable of looking after themselves, let alone a child; and dealing with the exact same things - such as being blocked, being threatened, prevented access, etc. It's one of the most painful experiences a parent can go through. It's a primal thing. When access to your child is removed on a whim, you begin to feel absolutely desperate and you start placating out of pure fear. That's what your partner is doing. He sounds terrified, honestly. He'll be going through his own issues dealing with his dynamic with her, also. He'll be triggered in ways that you can't see on the surface, but that are evident in his avoidant/passive behaviour.

Ultimately, you're NOT wrong to be reconsidering your relationship, nor to communicate that. It's completely understandable. Something needs to change.

If this was a one-off argument, then the two of you need to sit down - when you feel better - and really talk this through. You need to listen to him and hear him properly. You need to ask what he actually needs from you, and what he actually feels. It's possible that everything has just been unspoken and simmering away, and now it's come out in an unintentionally nasty way. Maybe he feels that your frustration with his ex's terrible parenting comes across as frustration with your step-daughter (and her behaviour). Just listen to him. I'm not saying he's right. Just to hear him. It's also possible he's equally as disordered/problematic. That's for you to determine, really.

For you to stay, he also needs to listen to you and take you seriously, because he has to understand that he's not the only one affected by this. Perhaps hearing how you feel can be a catalyst for him to really step up and get this sorted. If not, I don't see how you can continue.

The final thing I would say is that I think in either case, it would help you to step back from the situation for a moment and realise one very important thing:

You will NOT get any logic or sense out of your step-daughter's mom. You absolutely 100% cannot expect her behaviour to be reasonable. It won't be. So if you are going to stay in your relationship and continue dealing with her, you will have to alter your perspective. Any time she flies off the handle, says something ridiculous, fails as a parent, threatens, withholds access, blames you, behaves in a dramatic way, etc. - you can't get sucked into the details of it. Just know that she's going to be irrational, because of what she's struggling with, herself. Don't try to reason with her, because it won't work. You'll only drive yourself insane.

There are only two healthy outcomes for you. One is that you leave, and report your step-daughter's mother on your way out. The other is that you stay, but something seriously changes. Your partner needs to have a way of legally having access to his child - as in, a court order or some such that doesn't allow his ex to prevent contact whenever she feels like it. That's for a start. In all honesty, I don't think your partner's ex should have custody at all.

Get better soon OP. Good luck with this.

@user1478172746 the thing is A isn't fighting for her daughter. She wants an excuse to be a lazy parent. There has been multiple times when A will ring and say she doesn't want dsd around for what ever reason and dump her with us. That's not fighting for your daughter. If you met A you'd probably feel differently her partner has rung us in a state because their 2yo fell over and bages his head and she started screaming at him he was clumsy and useless. She's got some serious issues but for some reason her partner, and F won't actually stand up and protect their children from her. I didnt mention much about her other chikd as it was too much info any way but I see her 2yo when I pick dsd up and he can't talk. He's nervous around other people and very jumpy. It's horrible to see and I've actually rung social services as I cant do anything about him like I can with dsd but I feel someone should be keeping an eye on him.
A also has a violent temper and when her and F were together she dislocated his arm in a fight, threw things at him regularly threatened to injure herself and then call the police on him and tried to stop him leaving with dsd and tipped the pram over with dsd in it.

Shes not a stable person and she isn't receiving any help. Whenever dsd is over there I'm terrified something bad is going to happen.

The little one is actually showing a lot of signs of Autism so it is very important you not decide she doesn't have Autism
I am a Special Needs Teacher and these ring a bell among others l spotted
Eating only beige food..extremely common
Hating change of plan
Screaming and having meltdowns
The more you described her the more l thought she may very well have Autism
Therefore it's not fair to judge her mum as she is possibly dealing with a lot more than you think
Example feeding baby food as dd hates the feel of different food in her mouth..that is a sensory issue often present with Autism.
Obviously the ambulance issue was wrong but if l had a dd with such breathing difficulties l would be terrified of her getting Covid so her anxiety is understandable.
I feel you are so busy judging her mum you are deciding things about her dd that you could be miles off the mark. I have no doubt you mean well but its like the people who judge a parent whose child is having a major meltdown in the supermarket..they have no idea what's actually happening and have some cheek to judge
If you decide to continue in this child's life l would act as if she has Autism..you and her Dad read up and investigate ways of helping her but l wouldn't blame you if you went your separate ways.

@dustofneptune thank you. Ive been saying to F all along if he had a court order it removes the threat of A withholding contact etc. F keeps bring up money but I've always said that when it comes to dsd wellbeing we will find the money.
I've told F that I need a few days with no contact for him to get my head straight. I miss him terribly but I'm really not missing the drama. Waking up without the cloud of A hanging over me has been lovely.

F sounds like a man child. He doesn’t drive. Runs to his parents when you argue, refuses to step up to his parenting responsibilities and lets you do all the work of trying to help DSD (reading between the lines).
It would be kinder to yourself and your children to leave. If I were you, I’d put the process into action and let him know when it’s a done deal (living arrangements sorted, finances in order etc). He’ll probably use emotional blackmail to try to get you to stay, but use this technique to flip it around and say “what about me? What about my children? Our needs aren’t being met by you and if you feel the same, we’re better going our separate ways”. You have done what you can for DSD, but both her parents are unraveling anything you do. With you out if the equation, they will have to try another route. You could log your concerns with social services and explain that you’ve been the driving force between trying to get the help she needs and that you’re concerned for her welfare with you out of the equation.

It's really good to know that you've already talked about a court order with him. With the added details about his ex also being violent (which I suspected, based on his behaviour), it explains a lot. He's basically still trapped in a dysfunctional dynamic with her and getting triggered by her behaviour. He needs to step up and put his daughter first now. It's the only way. Otherwise he's just allowing this to happen. And by staying with him, you might end up enabling it, which is awful, because I can tell how much you care about his daughter.

Good call on the headspace. I'm not surprised at all that you're relieved to wake up without the drama.

If you do decide to opt out of this mess, please don't feel guilty or feel that you're wronging his daughter by doing so. You have to put yourself, and your children, first.

@Rissole

This is your get out of jail free card.

I would be grasping it with both hands.

All the problems are not of your making and they will snowball over time too.

This. Run away. This is not your problem and your partner is doing bugger all to solve it really. He is just pandering to her and always will.

YANBU. You can't solve this problem (or this set of problems) and it's not your problem to solve. Walk away! No-one can say you didn't try, but it's got to be a huge distraction from your own DC.

What strikes me is that this little girl has had huge upheaval in her short life. Parents split. Both parents get new partners. Mum has new baby and dad has three new kids living with him full-time and she's moving between these two places. Poor little thing must be in a spin.

I know that doesn't help answer your problem but nothing appears to very helpful to her at the moment. If I were your DP I would have focused on getting my own place (rather than moving from parents straight in with another partner). Then focused on getting custody of my daughter if I felt that the mother was not coping. Then and only then would I even consider moving in with a new partner and blending families.

Sorry to sound hash but the above sounds like a complete shit show and this little girl will be suffering.

And I say this as a single parent, who's DC has a step mum (who's great btw) so I do have some experience of different family constellations.

I'm sorry to say but I think your partner is the issue here, he really needs to out his daughter first and create a calm safe environment for her.

Honestly I think you need to not be with your partner and get out of that drama. Please concentrate on your own three kids and their needs - don't get caught up with dsd.

[quote NatureWalk]@dustofneptune thank you. Ive been saying to F all along if he had a court order it removes the threat of A withholding contact etc. F keeps bring up money but I've always said that when it comes to dsd wellbeing we will find the money.
I've told F that I need a few days with no contact for him to get my head straight. I miss him terribly but I'm really not missing the drama. Waking up without the cloud of A hanging over me has been lovely.[/quote]
It’s a couple of hundred pounds to make a C100 application for a child arrangements order.

Your partner seems to think that his daughters mother has all the control over stopping contact etc, when they both have her for equal time. Why does he believe his ex has so much control? If she tried it, he could get it straight into court. Equally there’s nothing stopping him doing the same - and while I wouldn’t suggest that’s done for no reason, perhaps in hindsight that’s exactly what he should have done after the ambulance incident, and then have his ex make the application to court.

Also, while you can’t rule out autism and clearly an assessment is happening, it’s worth pointing out that attachment difficulties can result in similar presenting behaviours, and given the unsettling and unstable home life your stepdaughter seems to have always had, I’d be surprised if this wasn’t an issue for her.

How quickly after meeting did he move in with you and your dc's? How soon after meeting him were you also responsible for his dsd 50% of the time? It sounds like he had the perfect set up and a ready made home, no wonder he opted to move in with you rather than stay with his DM.

How often does he threaten to leave? Every time you disagree about something?

You talk about A as if you feel she is abusive to DSD, yet your partner doesn't seem to have done anything about it. You really need to put yourself and your dc's first at this point. Any decisions can be made when you are feeling healthier and stronger, however I think your stress and anxiety would improve massively if you made this split permanent.

While this is very sad for DSD and you've clearly invested a lot of emotional energy into caring for her, you've done the right thing by calling social services and alerting them to the situation. Now it's time to walk away and protect your own children.

every time we have a disagreement he says he's going to his parents
This is controlling behaviour. He is training you not to disagree with him.

Leave him at his parents and end the relationship. This relationship will damage your children. And you.

Can F actually support himself and his daughter? He went from hers to his parents to yours. Is he incapable of providing for his daughter himself? Is there a medical reason he cannot drive? As he cannot even get his child to school at the moment, which unless there is a medical reason, is really failing at parenting. It wasnt even him who provided the solution to getting his daughter to school. It was your mum. He honestly sounds like a manbaby who isnt capable of functioning as an adult without a woman doing the thinking and action for him.

Don't get me wrong. F is great with all 4 kids. My kids absolutely adore him. He pulls his weight around the house and takes care of the kids when I'm on late shifts with work. Hes always treating them but is also good at telling them off when they are naughty. Especially as he had no idea about kids until he had his daughter going from 1 to 4 was a massive learning curve for him and he took to it amazingly. 99% of the time he's an amazing partner, really caring and attentive. It's just the 1% when we disagree and he threatens to leave. I can also be difficult in arguments, inhad an abusive ex and arguments really trigger me but I've been getting counselling etc to work on my issues. I suffer from depression and I know its hard for F when i have a day (or 2) where I ignore all the housework/paperwork/everything important.

I know I'm not perfect either but ironically this argument started because I'm working on not internalising everything until I explode so I told F I was struggling with As behaviour. My intention was to vocalise it and then move on but that's wjat started F yelling at me that I don't support him and I've been awful to dsd for months because I think she's her mother (which isn't true).

@FallonCarringtonWannabe no medical reason just doesn't want to. He's gone back to his parents now which is within walking distance to her school so will be able to get her there.

I was just thinking about the driving thing actually. Fs dad is having a double knee replacement next year and Fs mum doesn't drive so Fs dad asked if I'd be able to drive her around to go shopping etc and drive them to Devon for their holidays they take every year (about 3 times). Not one mention of F learning to drive to do that or asking his daughter who lives 5 mins away and her dc have grown and left home.

Hindsight is a marvellous thing!

Sure your kids adore him.

@nimbuscloud they do and it's breaking my heart them asking every morning why F and dsd haven't come home yet.

Blending families with someone who parents poorly was never going to work. Don’t take him back!

Hopefully they will forget about him very quickly.

What struck me is that she has a number of indicators of neurodiversity. But you’re convinced it is down to bad parenting. You’ve got social services involved?
Impossible to tell who is right but schools are very poor at recognising these things, particularly in girls who often do appear bright and chatty until later on when they just can’t cope with masking anymore. I’m sure there are many parents on here who have been told there was nothing wrong with their kids which in time was proved not to be correct. As it’s causing such problems I’d probably just embrace it and take her for a full private assessment. Or just cut your losses, concentrate on your own children. Could you have a relationship and live separately? Is he worth all the aggravation?