AIBU to end my relationship with my fiance over his exs behaviour woth DSD?

[NatureWalk]

This could be a long one sorry!
Background: I live with Fiancé (F) my 3 children from a previous relationship (8,5&4) and dsd is 50/50 between us and her mum (A) and strpdad(B). A & B also have a 2 yo together (C).

A is self diagnosed with several MH issues but doesn't receive help amd has no formal diagnosis. Some background on As parenting. Dsd has breathing issues, in the winter a cold goes straight to her chest and she's been in and out of hospital because her oxygen levels drop really low and she needs oxygen. A has only once been to hospital with dsd it used to be just F and then me and F after we met. Once A refused to ring an ambulance and we had to drive over and ring an ambulance for dsd and she was rushed into hospital. Drs said at that point dsd was close to having to be ventilated her breathing was so bad.
A also never bothered to potty train dsd, we did that and every time dsd came back from A she'd be in a nappy again. A treats dsd like a baby, she dresses her, puts her shoes on, tidys her room, only stoped feeding her baby food jars when she was 3 and we insisted she stopped (which was a huge row). Dsd comes back from A talking like a baby (pointing at things and going uh uh rather than using words). Dsd has epic tantrums when she comes back from A, if she's asked to dress herself, tidy her room, eat her tea etc she'll scream that mummy never makes her and we are horrible to her, she'll even lie on the floor and kick her legs yelling I'm a baby I can't do it. The worst ones are when she says she'll never be loved or happy again. School have picked up on these (they happen daily at school too) we got called into a meeting which A refused to attend with us and went at a later date. School is eriously concerned and actually had a teacher who specialises in child psychology sit in and observe dsd. We are still waiting for the report back about that.

F and I live across a county border from A, dsd was registered with a Dr near us. Its a great Dr they really go above and beyond. Dsd has some food issues, if its not beige she won't eat it. We work hard on getting her to try new foods but a lot of veg makes her gag or even vomit. A won't get her to try anything amd feeds her the same few meals over and over because "it's too stressful" trying to get her to eat. We spoke with the gp and hv and they were working to set up some classes etc to help dsd over come her food issues. Then after an argument between F and A, A moved dsd drs without telling us so everything the gp amd hv had set up stopped as it was in a different county.
A is insistent dsd is autistic which is why sje has food issues and uses it as an excuse (sje can't correct dsds bad behaviour because it's autism, she can't get dsd to try new food because it's autism etc). Dsd is the most outgoing child I know, she makes friends easily, she is smart, clever and funny, she loves cuddles and is very compassionate. Every time we mention to school/gp/hv etc that A thinks she's autistic they outright say they have never seen anything to make them even consider autism. To us it's just another excuse for A not to parent.
A never takes dsd out, even as a baby when F & A were still together ot was up to him to take her to baby groups etc. When dsd comes back to us and we ask what she's been up to it's always watched tv/played on the tablet. What's worse is when sje says mummy was going to take us to the zoo/Park etc but didn't feel well sonwe didn't go. Dsd Hates plans changing because of this if we say we are going somewhere but stop off somewhere else before hand dsd will scream that we arent going where we promised, that we are horrible etc, even if we explain we are going there next.

Anyway on to the main problem, I've tried loads to help F sort problems with A, I've contacted citizens advice, mediation, and even social services. I've offered to use our wedding fund to get a decent solicitor to help but F keeps putting things off and refusing to take steps to sort the issues or he'll start and then A will calm down so he'll stop and say he doesn't want to rock the boat while A is being reasonable.

If F & A have an argument A will block his calls and refuse to tell him how dsd is doing and on occasion has threatened to keep dsd away from us.

The main problem at the moment is I have covid (only found out through a lateral flow for work but then went downhill and have been really rough for over a week). The day we found out F let A know and sje started screaming at him that we knew before dsd came over and had kept it from her which is not true. She then said she didn't want dsd back until my 10 day isolatin period was up because she didn't want C to get it. Dsd was obviously upset sje won't see her mum for 10 days. So my mum has been taking dsd the 30 min drive to school (then driving back to get to work) amd then doing the same to pick dsd up as F doesn't drive and I cant leave the house. Today mum couldn't get to school until 10 mins after pick up due to work so we convinced A to pick dsd up amd wait in the car park the 10 mins until my mum could get there. Dsd has developed a cough but she's had a pcr and is given a lateral flow every day before school which are all negative, ots a chesty cough to do with her breathing, her inhaler makes a difference and she doesn't have a temp etc so school are happy for her to go. So today dsd actually gets to see her mum but coughs and F receives a horrible phone call with A yelling dsd has covjd and now C will get covid and die and when that happens I'll hold you responsible. F tried to call her down but A hung up and blocked him. Dsd got upset asking why her little brother was going to die. We calmed her down when she got home and me and F went off to talk about As behaviour away from the kids.

I told him I'd had enough and he needed to do something and actually do.it not start it and then stop when A calmed down as this whole situation isn't fair on any of us especially dsd.
F then just flipped out and started yelling that I was supposed to support him and I wasn't being supportive I told him i was trying but finding it increasingly difficult and I'd actually questioned our engagement because I didn't know if I could be tied to As crazy behaviour for the rest of my life. F yelled if thats how you feel ill go to my parents. Hes taken dsd and left (hours ago) and I told him if he can't talk like an adult without running away then I'm not sure I want to marry him. Befor he left he said some horrible things including that I was a bitch to dsd that i treat her differently to the biys, that I'm vile to him and don't support him. That I didn't do anything for him while he was ill with a sickness bug a few weeks ago and he's had to do everything while I've had covid (which isn't true I did everything while he was ill). I'm seriously questioning the future of our relationship if every time A is difficult F takes it out on me.

AIBU?

I'm autistic and honestly it doesn't sound like autism, it sounds like neglect. Not potty training her, putting her back in nappies giving her baby food. She's totally fucked this little girl's head up.

Wow. That poor little girl needs to be placed into foster care. Neither of them are decent parents, I wouldn't trust either of them around a child.

LTB

There are some serious issues there.

But as an aside, dsd may not be able to eat other foods. Google ARFID. It's a recognised eating disorder. Not many hears of it.

@Staryflight445 we don't force her, we encourage her to try new things, even just to lick it. I'm not saying I'm perfect but I try to do what's best for all 4 kids.

Beige food and nappies is not normal and ASD needs to be managed not used as an excuse for poor parenting.

Too many on here are making excuses for the parents who aren't helping their little girl . It isn't the child's fault but equally OP you can't fix it with her dysfunctioning parents and you can't do it on your own.

It seems that you have done your best. Of course he doesn't want it to be over if you and your Mum are taking so much responsibility for HIS daughter.

Oh and he has left you with covid and 4 young children to look after? He is a complete waster!

It's only a small thing but of you leave him it's not over HER behaviour.

It's over HIS behaviour.

She sounds like a very difficult,unstable person but she isn't the issue. How he is feeling with it is.

So many letters, so little time.

Right up until you described his behaviour I was thinking that poor child. Her dad should go to court and try to get full custody.

Then I read how he treats you and I think you should walk away.

Your own children have no choice in the relationship you have dragged them into
Put them first and leave

I have my mum and his mum constantly messaging me telling me to stop being stubborn and take him back but every time I think of having to deal with his ex again I get major anxiety. I feel completely alone. My kids are confused. They miss their sister and have been acting up. I still feel awful from covid. I'm still in isolation so the kids are climbing the walls they don't like being stuck inside. Everything is getting to me at the moment.

I would completely ignore the messages and look after you and your children. His mum won’t want to be dealing with them both, especially as it could possibly involve her stepping up. You need to put yourself first for a while. It sounds like you’ve really been trying to support his daughter in very difficult circumstances.

I think the first thing you should concentrate on is getting well - you are ill, exhausted and trying to cope with children in isolation. That's enough to be coping with. And if your F and others are harassing you for anything make it clear you will not be forced into making any decisions while you are unwell.

But once you are better, I would suggest that your instincts over this are correct. Your F and his X are utterly shambolic and neglectful parents. And as a good parent and someone who clearly cares about this little girl, that must be hugely frustrating and upsetting for you, as you can see how she needs help and the work and co operating that needs to go into helping her.
But IMO her parents will not change, at 4 years old there have been ample opportunities for them to change and they haven't. On the whole people do not change - they say they will, their behaviour improves temporarily and then they revert to type. And ultimately there's nothing you can do about that, you aren;t the child's parents and you can;t dictate what needs to be done (despite the fact that you seem to be the only one with her head screwed on and with the child's true interests at heart).
You have to ask yourself who you prioritise in this situation, and of course it is your own children - arguing, harsh words, your F flouncing off and coming back, difficult behaviour from your DSD will all be impacting on their childhood. In the short term they will miss your DSD and your F but in the long term they will be better off without this horrible situation.
Your F needs to man up and take care of his DD and be firm in his dealings with his Ex for his child's sake. But IMO he should be doing that on his own without dragging you and your family into it all.

You are in in the position of being in the middle of some awful parenting, but not being able to do anything about it, and having to watch DSD parents make a mess of things. Your own mental health will suffer, and through that your children will suffer, hard as a break up may be, continuing on with this is not worth it.

Sounds like DSD and A has autism, it's just that you don't know much about it and France is a bit backwards with mental health - doesn't admit that ADHD is a thing, corporal punishment in most families etc. Actually I feel for A, she is fighting for her daughter, you just don't understand that. You kind of want to break and change her. A's side of the story would sound very different and you would be a b word in it. DSD is only four, she could have tantrums even as a neurotypical child, but food aversion, hardships with change in routine and meltdowns sounds very, very autistic. It would be better if you and F split. You are very set in your ways and don't want to learn other perspectives.

Yes that's is a wall of text that's hard to read.

IMO it's really not hard to read, or a wall of text. It is quite long, but it's in paragraphs with punctuation (Not dissing anyone with that comment, but those two things do make things easier to read than a single chunk of text with not very much punctuation.)

I am also concerned OP, as PPs are, about your fiancé's attitude towards you, and towards doing something useful about his child's situation, whatever that might be, rather than umming and ahhing. I'm not sure I'd be leaving him at this point (not enough information - although I'd be considering it I think), but I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be racing ahead with getting married to him either.

I can’t believe you have to ask.

Of course you should leave. This is no way to live, if you don’t have to.

but every time I think of having to deal with his ex again I get major anxiety

Listen to your body. The situation isn't good for you and your children.

At some stage you might want to explore why your mum texts you to take him back. That's really not helpful behaviour as she is invalidating your feelings suspect there is a history of her doing this?

@Fireflygal

How long have you been together? His other children is only 2?

What did you do for work before you met him?

Yes, I would definitely end it. Their relationship can't have ended that long ago and you are being dragged into their drama. The situation won't get better because your partner doesn't have the skills to deal with it and him and his ex are still acting like a dysfunctional couple.

Whilst you are dealing with this shitstorm you are not focusing on your own children. Look at the stepparenting board - it rarely gets better.

For your own sake, walk away from a man who calls you names, especiallypre marriage...is he the role model your boys need? I imagine he will ramp up his behaviour post marriage.

Op I’ve seen your updates but I think this great advice still stands.

Your dp is allowing his ex’s whims to adversely affect his dc. He calls you names when you offer an opinion. Most importantly, every minute you spend dealing with his family issues is time you are taking away from your own dc.

It’s only been 2 years, you should still be in the honeymoon period. This situation won’t get any better, mainly because your dp is doing nothing to change it. Get out of there and concentrate on your own kids.

I couldn’t watch a child being treated like this. Either you guys go for full custody or leave. Tbh I would get social services involved sounds like a neglectful and abusive situation. Poor girl.

The thing about the ambulance is worrying.

I wouldnt rule out asd. It presents differently in girls and schools are not good at spotting it in girls because they tend to mask at school. I know you were getting help re food but theres no guarantee that would have worked.

Your dp sounds incredibly stressed as do you by the whole situation.

You can end a relationship for any reason you like.

If F does not drive how did he get her to school before you got together? Did he do 50/50 before you got together?

For your kids sake it may be better if you are living apart. But i presume if you or your mum take her to school the 50/50 will now stop (not that that is your problem) or he will have to move closer to his ex (again not your problem).

I wonder if he will give up the 50/50 without your input.

@user1478172746

Sounds like DSD and A has autism, it's just that you don't know much about it and France is a bit backwards with mental health - doesn't admit that ADHD is a thing, corporal punishment in most families etc. Actually I feel for A, she is fighting for her daughter, you just don't understand that. You kind of want to break and change her. A's side of the story would sound very different and you would be a b word in it. DSD is only four, she could have tantrums even as a neurotypical child, but food aversion, hardships with change in routine and meltdowns sounds very, very autistic. It would be better if you and F split. You are very set in your ways and don't want to learn other perspectives.

Where does the OP mention being in France?

I’m really surprised that you can diagnose from the info you’ve been given by the OP.

I don't think you are being unreasonable - sounds like its unlikely to improve that much and I worry about your future.
But I think you are missing something with your DSD - I suspect she has sensory issues. Having autism and having autisic traits are two different things. My son was diagnosed as borderline autistic at 4. As part of this he had a lot of sensory issues - limited diet, the seams of socks driving him crazy, getting stuck on issues etc. School knew of his diagnosis but no one ever thought he was autisic - he was and still is incredibly affectionate. At 10 it was thought he was autistic and was put down for another assessment. In the meantime after reading mumsnet I discovered infant or primitive reflexes not doing dormant and we started a brushing programme. By the time his assessment arrived it was noted he used to have autistic traits but no longer had them and was neurotypical. Your SDS approach to food, her inability to manage her emotions - its worth googling infant or primitive reflexes not doing dormant and see if this applies to her. Its also heriditiary so very likely her mum has it too by the sound of her inability to regulate her emotions.

Sorry to be blunt.

You don't HAVE to have a partner. You are a single mum with 3 kids. They deserve your absolute focus.

She is not their sister. She's no blood relation, who has been in their lives maybe 1-2 years.

Ignore your mums terrible advice, women don't have to bend over backwards to accommodate shit partners anymore.

And that's what you've been doing. Bending over backwards to do your very best for everyone involved, to your credit.

I think your instincts at this point are absolutely spot on.

Thats all too much drama for me, sorry. I wouldnbe done with the whole.thing. so toxic. Yes I'd end it and find someone better without so.much negative baggage.