This could be a long one sorry!
Background: I live with Fiancé (F) my 3 children from a previous relationship (8,5&4) and dsd is 50/50 between us and her mum (A) and strpdad(B). A & B also have a 2 yo together (C).
A is self diagnosed with several MH issues but doesn't receive help amd has no formal diagnosis. Some background on As parenting. Dsd has breathing issues, in the winter a cold goes straight to her chest and she's been in and out of hospital because her oxygen levels drop really low and she needs oxygen. A has only once been to hospital with dsd it used to be just F and then me and F after we met. Once A refused to ring an ambulance and we had to drive over and ring an ambulance for dsd and she was rushed into hospital. Drs said at that point dsd was close to having to be ventilated her breathing was so bad.
A also never bothered to potty train dsd, we did that and every time dsd came back from A she'd be in a nappy again. A treats dsd like a baby, she dresses her, puts her shoes on, tidys her room, only stoped feeding her baby food jars when she was 3 and we insisted she stopped (which was a huge row). Dsd comes back from A talking like a baby (pointing at things and going uh uh rather than using words). Dsd has epic tantrums when she comes back from A, if she's asked to dress herself, tidy her room, eat her tea etc she'll scream that mummy never makes her and we are horrible to her, she'll even lie on the floor and kick her legs yelling I'm a baby I can't do it. The worst ones are when she says she'll never be loved or happy again. School have picked up on these (they happen daily at school too) we got called into a meeting which A refused to attend with us and went at a later date. School is eriously concerned and actually had a teacher who specialises in child psychology sit in and observe dsd. We are still waiting for the report back about that.
F and I live across a county border from A, dsd was registered with a Dr near us. Its a great Dr they really go above and beyond. Dsd has some food issues, if its not beige she won't eat it. We work hard on getting her to try new foods but a lot of veg makes her gag or even vomit. A won't get her to try anything amd feeds her the same few meals over and over because "it's too stressful" trying to get her to eat. We spoke with the gp and hv and they were working to set up some classes etc to help dsd over come her food issues. Then after an argument between F and A, A moved dsd drs without telling us so everything the gp amd hv had set up stopped as it was in a different county.
A is insistent dsd is autistic which is why sje has food issues and uses it as an excuse (sje can't correct dsds bad behaviour because it's autism, she can't get dsd to try new food because it's autism etc). Dsd is the most outgoing child I know, she makes friends easily, she is smart, clever and funny, she loves cuddles and is very compassionate. Every time we mention to school/gp/hv etc that A thinks she's autistic they outright say they have never seen anything to make them even consider autism. To us it's just another excuse for A not to parent.
A never takes dsd out, even as a baby when F & A were still together ot was up to him to take her to baby groups etc. When dsd comes back to us and we ask what she's been up to it's always watched tv/played on the tablet. What's worse is when sje says mummy was going to take us to the zoo/Park etc but didn't feel well sonwe didn't go. Dsd Hates plans changing because of this if we say we are going somewhere but stop off somewhere else before hand dsd will scream that we arent going where we promised, that we are horrible etc, even if we explain we are going there next.
Anyway on to the main problem, I've tried loads to help F sort problems with A, I've contacted citizens advice, mediation, and even social services. I've offered to use our wedding fund to get a decent solicitor to help but F keeps putting things off and refusing to take steps to sort the issues or he'll start and then A will calm down so he'll stop and say he doesn't want to rock the boat while A is being reasonable.
If F & A have an argument A will block his calls and refuse to tell him how dsd is doing and on occasion has threatened to keep dsd away from us.
The main problem at the moment is I have covid (only found out through a lateral flow for work but then went downhill and have been really rough for over a week). The day we found out F let A know and sje started screaming at him that we knew before dsd came over and had kept it from her which is not true. She then said she didn't want dsd back until my 10 day isolatin period was up because she didn't want C to get it. Dsd was obviously upset sje won't see her mum for 10 days. So my mum has been taking dsd the 30 min drive to school (then driving back to get to work) amd then doing the same to pick dsd up as F doesn't drive and I cant leave the house. Today mum couldn't get to school until 10 mins after pick up due to work so we convinced A to pick dsd up amd wait in the car park the 10 mins until my mum could get there. Dsd has developed a cough but she's had a pcr and is given a lateral flow every day before school which are all negative, ots a chesty cough to do with her breathing, her inhaler makes a difference and she doesn't have a temp etc so school are happy for her to go. So today dsd actually gets to see her mum but coughs and F receives a horrible phone call with A yelling dsd has covjd and now C will get covid and die and when that happens I'll hold you responsible. F tried to call her down but A hung up and blocked him. Dsd got upset asking why her little brother was going to die. We calmed her down when she got home and me and F went off to talk about As behaviour away from the kids.
I told him I'd had enough and he needed to do something and actually do.it not start it and then stop when A calmed down as this whole situation isn't fair on any of us especially dsd.
F then just flipped out and started yelling that I was supposed to support him and I wasn't being supportive I told him i was trying but finding it increasingly difficult and I'd actually questioned our engagement because I didn't know if I could be tied to As crazy behaviour for the rest of my life. F yelled if thats how you feel ill go to my parents. Hes taken dsd and left (hours ago) and I told him if he can't talk like an adult without running away then I'm not sure I want to marry him. Befor he left he said some horrible things including that I was a bitch to dsd that i treat her differently to the biys, that I'm vile to him and don't support him. That I didn't do anything for him while he was ill with a sickness bug a few weeks ago and he's had to do everything while I've had covid (which isn't true I did everything while he was ill). I'm seriously questioning the future of our relationship if every time A is difficult F takes it out on me.
AIBU?