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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP riled me up AIBU?

120 replies

DustandDander · 17/11/2021 12:04

Bit of background. Dp and I together 5 years, we have 2 dc age 1 & 3. We had a break for a few months when dc 2 was young as things got a bit rocky and it wasn't healthy for any of us. Anyway we have reconciled and things have been wonderful.

While we were apart his parents suggested he, our dc, and other family members go abroad next year. At this point I didn't say yes or no as I wasn't sure. We get back together and it was suggested I go on this holiday. I said I think it's best to wait to make sure we're secure before I commit to going (bearing in mind nothing is booked as yet.) He decided for me and tells them I'm going, WITHOUT my 15 year old DD (as she wouldn't want to go) 🙄 which has royaly pissed me off. Bearing in mind he won't speak to her or have any conversation, it's obvious he sees her as a thorn in his side.

I said let's compromise on an ALTERNATIVE, if things are good next year why don't we book for the 5 of us - sensible I think. He said great but I'm still going to take the youngest dc on this year. Er that's not an alternative that's an addition!

I'm really quite riled that 1, he made the decision for me and left my DD out 2, he thinks it's okay to take our young dc abroad on their first holiday without their mum when I suggested a completely reasonable alternative.

Your thoughts please.

OP posts:
yikerspipers · 17/11/2021 13:41

Any man who saw my DD as a "thorn in his side" wouldn't be in our lives. Very sad.

Clymene · 17/11/2021 13:42

He was shagging someone else in July

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 17/11/2021 13:42

just read your op and realised that I misread that you had 2 dc and thought you had said 2 ds

So I edit my last sentence to say
Your two young children should not grow up in an environment where they witness females treated this way.

TooMuchPaper · 17/11/2021 13:45

Poor kids.

Motherland101 · 17/11/2021 13:47

So the obvious ALTERNATIVE would be for your DD to go along to the original holiday. Why isn't that an option and why do you have to book a completely separate holiday for the 5 of you?

This all sounds very complicated and frankly, your posts are all over the place, makes me wonder what's true and what's not...plus let's not ignore the fact that no one should be treating your DD this way and I certainly wouldn't describe my relationship as "wonderful" as you did in your OP.

Briarshollow · 17/11/2021 13:47

Jesus. The way you speak about him other threads, the fact that he had a ‘string’ of other women, that he was with someone else a couple of months back, that you call him a ‘narcissist’, all makes me feel rather sad and even concerned for these children.

Butchyrestingface · 17/11/2021 13:48

which has royaly pissed me off. Bearing in mind he won't speak to her or have any conversation, it's obvious he sees her as a thorn in his side.

Holiday doesn't matter, unless you're planning to give your daughter a lifelong holiday from this person.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/11/2021 13:51

Noooooo

It’s not about the holiday. You don’t get back with someone who sees your daughter as “a thorn in his side”. It’s a complete red line.

“Kicking off” about it is an easy option and achieved nothing. You have to make a proper stand and mean it. Yoh do that by leaving him - by putting your own needs below your daughters. You don’t say that she’s above him, you demonstrate it.

Chloemol · 17/11/2021 13:52

I would now be looking at leaving

You have 3 children to think about. What a horrible thing for your eldest, to not be wanted by your partner

Motherland101 · 17/11/2021 13:54

@Briarshollow

Jesus. The way you speak about him other threads, the fact that he had a ‘string’ of other women, that he was with someone else a couple of months back, that you call him a ‘narcissist’, all makes me feel rather sad and even concerned for these children.

I've just read some of the old older posts and just very recently OP, you called him abhorrent and was upset about him supposedly joking about size 30 knickers in his bed that may or may not have been yours. He had a girlfriend in the summer! Seriously, going from that to claiming things are now wonderful blows my mind. Please do your children (if not yourself) and favour and keep this arsehole as far away from them as possible.

RealBecca · 17/11/2021 13:54

Bearing in mind he won't speak to her or have any conversation, it's obvious he sees her as a thorn in his side. I said let's compromise on an ALTERNATIVE

i said youre dumped because like fuck am i bringing children upnwith someone that thinks thats acceptable.

TonytheDog · 17/11/2021 13:54

"He hasn't been around much" yet you've stayed at his? Who looked after your younger DC? I really hope it wasn't your DD.

Finish the relationship for good and prioritise your children. He sounds vile.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/11/2021 13:54

I’m surprised at the comments of taking the kids abroad. They will be 2 and 4 max. I think that’s way too young to go abroad with a father they hardly see.

I see you’ve decided to break up with him. If he wants to have them, he needs to put in serious grunt work. Sounds as if he wants to take them as he will have childcare on tap.

girlmom21 · 17/11/2021 13:56

@Mummyoflittledragon

I’m surprised at the comments of taking the kids abroad. They will be 2 and 4 max. I think that’s way too young to go abroad with a father they hardly see.

I see you’ve decided to break up with him. If he wants to have them, he needs to put in serious grunt work. Sounds as if he wants to take them as he will have childcare on tap.

But him not being around isn't her issue. Her issue is that she won't be there.
Laburnam · 17/11/2021 13:59

What a shitshow

SnappedAndFarted18 · 17/11/2021 13:59

Op reading through your post & updates I’m really struggling to understand how you’re putting your 15yr old DD first... In all honesty any man that treated any of my children the way you say he treats your DD would be out on his arse regardless of how many kids I had/have with him !! Please do yourself & all of your children a favour get rid of this useless piece of skin

Teaandtoastedbiscuits · 17/11/2021 14:08

Do your younger children even have passports yet? If not don't apply for them until going on your own family holiday. If you can at all don't row about it (I know its easier said than done) just stay calm and say you are uncomfortable with them being away from you so the answer is no. If he isn't going to discuss it like equals then neither are you. Also I hated my Mum's partner at 15...despised him. For no reason. 25 years later they are still together he is still very good to my Mum and I got over being a little spoilt brat. It's not always as cut and dried as ltb.

irene9 · 17/11/2021 14:09

You don't live together but have two kids aged 1 and 3. It's a bit of a peculiar arrangement all round as in you are not a family unit as such.
If he's never lived with you then I can see how he and your daughter might not feature in each other's lives that much.

LittleMysSister · 17/11/2021 14:11

It all sounds a bit muddled tbh OP.

If he won't speak to your daughter and it's not through a mutual dislike/ongoing teen vs step-parent war, then why did you get back together under those circumstances?

I don't think it's unreasonable of him to want to go on holiday with his family, why wouldn't you agree to it (on the condition your DD also is invited, assuming she would want to go)? Worse comes to worst, if things aren't great between you at that point then you and DD duck out while he takes the younger kids. This is what would happen if you were to separate in any case.

CSJobseeker · 17/11/2021 14:11

we have reconciled and things have been wonderful

Bearing in mind he won't speak to [my DD] or have any conversation

What the actual fuck am I reading?

He won't speak to your 15 year old daughter, but you've reconciled with him and you think things have been 'wonderful'? It doesn't matter what their relationship was like before - right now it's dreadful.

they used to have a good relationship. She comes before him always

I told him she and our dc will always be my priority, always come first

You are with a man who won't speak to your DD, and you describe things with him as 'wonderful'. Your behaviour doesn't demonstrate the priorities that you claim.

CSJobseeker · 17/11/2021 14:13

It never ceases to amaze me how low some women will set the bar when choosing to have children with someone.

Chocolatewheatos · 17/11/2021 14:14

You can't stay with him after he left your daughter out of a holiday. Leave him. And he can't take a 1yo or 3yo abroad without their mother when they've not been away for more than 1 night before.

MzHz · 17/11/2021 14:15

@DustandDander

I should've added, he hasn't been around much, he hasn't stayed over once. I told him we need to take it slow in order to protect the children. So he hasn't been thrust in their faces and it'll be all of a sudden he's gone again. That was my way of making sure they stay stable - baby steps as you were.
Sounds like you have a sensible eye on this, but the other eye is closed

Something is REALLY wrong in all this and I totally agree with the PP saying that you can't show a 15yo girl that this is what a relationship looks like.

@DustandDander, he's not moved back in, GOOD! keep it that way.

He wants to take a 1yo and a 3yo away on a holiday?.... let him!

let him take them alone and see how that goes.

This relationship WILL fail, and tbh, it needs to. You need to put yourself far higher up the priorities here and expect and demand more respect for you and for your kids than you are getting.

Sounds like he wasn't always like this, so a sharp shock and he might be able to learn how he needs to treat you

What is your DD part in this, is there any tangible reason why he would have taken against her?

AcrossthePond55 · 17/11/2021 14:18

"Dp and I together 5 years, we have 2 dc age 1 & 3. We had a break for a few months when dc 2 was young as things got a bit rocky and it wasn't healthy for any of us. Anyway we have reconciled and things have been wonderful.

You clearly state in your OP that he is your DP, not your EX DP. You say you have reconciled, not that you had reconciled. Now you insist that you are broken up. Which is it?

If you are 'together' then despite what you say, you are NOT prioritizing ALL your children because you are with a man who is being unkind (to say the least) to your DD. She is 15, they are predisposed to be 'stroppy' and see things 'black and white'. He is (supposed to be) an adult, and adults should be 'mitigators' when it comes to teens. Who exactly needs to take the high road here? Not her. What message are you sending to her? A simple one that says that this man and her siblings rank higher than she does in your pecking order. All the rest is just peripherals until that situation is dealt with. I wouldn't be with a man who could not act like an adult around ALL my children.

IF you are broken up, as you later claim, then what is the real issue? He isn't 'excluding' your DD as it would not be expected that he would take his EX-DP's child on a family holiday with his relatives, indeed, neither would I expect him to take you, his 'ex' along*. But it would be completely normal to take his children on a holiday unless there are extenuating circumstance (breastfeeding child, incapable parent, valid fear of abduction).

*I know there are some situations where exes may holiday together for the children and I applaud that IF it works for all concerned.

StaplesCorner · 17/11/2021 14:20

So if what you say is true OP then your ex-DP, who you cannot reconcile (that's right isn't it, because he's toxic? yes?) wants to take his own two DC on holiday with his family next year.

So your post is about him taking his kids away during his access time. Yes or no?

Because if you are seriously wanting to limp along in a "situation ship" with this twat then its you that needs to sort your life out first. Saying you put your kids first when you clearly haven't done so doesn't absolve you of all responsibility not to bring a dickwad back into your daughter's life. Your words and actions have to match up because this is real life, not Eastenders.