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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP riled me up AIBU?

120 replies

DustandDander · 17/11/2021 12:04

Bit of background. Dp and I together 5 years, we have 2 dc age 1 & 3. We had a break for a few months when dc 2 was young as things got a bit rocky and it wasn't healthy for any of us. Anyway we have reconciled and things have been wonderful.

While we were apart his parents suggested he, our dc, and other family members go abroad next year. At this point I didn't say yes or no as I wasn't sure. We get back together and it was suggested I go on this holiday. I said I think it's best to wait to make sure we're secure before I commit to going (bearing in mind nothing is booked as yet.) He decided for me and tells them I'm going, WITHOUT my 15 year old DD (as she wouldn't want to go) 🙄 which has royaly pissed me off. Bearing in mind he won't speak to her or have any conversation, it's obvious he sees her as a thorn in his side.

I said let's compromise on an ALTERNATIVE, if things are good next year why don't we book for the 5 of us - sensible I think. He said great but I'm still going to take the youngest dc on this year. Er that's not an alternative that's an addition!

I'm really quite riled that 1, he made the decision for me and left my DD out 2, he thinks it's okay to take our young dc abroad on their first holiday without their mum when I suggested a completely reasonable alternative.

Your thoughts please.

OP posts:
MadgeMak · 17/11/2021 12:58

Whereabouts abroad does he want to take them?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 17/11/2021 12:59

LTB. Nobody would treat any child of mine like that.

ItsLittoralViolins · 17/11/2021 12:59

@DustandDander

I clearly said I do not accept it, have not accept it and won't accept it. We're over. Whatever his issues are with my wonderful daughter are his issues not ours. I'm not prepared to let her feel awkward in her OWN Home and left out. No way not ever.
Good for you.

I think you'll be happier tbh.

Tonyschoco · 17/11/2021 13:01

Anyway we have reconciled and things have been wonderful.

Bearing in mind he won't speak to her or have any conversation, it's obvious he sees her as a thorn in his side

How you say both of these statements in the same breath? If he actively refuses to talk with your daughter and leaves her out, it is not wonderful.

girlmom21 · 17/11/2021 13:01

If you're splitting up with him (which is completely the right decision) I think you're being unfair stopping him taking the youngest on holiday if your only issue is that it's their first holiday.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/11/2021 13:01

Bearing in mind he won't speak to her or have any conversation, it's obvious he sees her as a thorn in his side.

He won't speak to your 15-year old daughter? Why are you with this twat?

Bin him off or your daughter will always remember you chose him over her.

Tonyschoco · 17/11/2021 13:02

Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t see your final post.

Luckingfovely · 17/11/2021 13:04

@5128gap

He's not unreasonable to want to take his DC on an extended family holiday. DC would probably have a great time. He is unreasonable to say you're going as that is up to you. You are unreasonable to think a holiday for the five of you is a suitable alternative to the large family holiday. Two totally different things. He is beyond unreasonable to treat your DD like that. You are unreasonable to have reconciled with him if he treats your DD like that.
This says everything.

You are all over the place, OP.

You mention your daughter as an aside to a 'great' relationship. And then suddenly it's a big deal.

Also why haven't you demanded that either your Dd goes on the big family holiday, or none of your children? That would be the simplest route.

You sound completely muddled, and really need to get your priorities straight.

LolaSmiles · 17/11/2021 13:05

I don't see the issue in him wanting to take his child on a holiday with his extended family, but to be honest that's not the central issue at the moment.

Your 15 year old daughter is being excluded by your seemingly-on-off partner. You say she got on well with him before you split and got back together, which makes me wonder how much of the details she's ended up being privy to with her being an older child. People seem to forget that their children, parents and wider family form opinions on their DPs based on what they see and hear.

The fact things are apparently wonderful, but he views your daughter (who he used to get on with) as a thorn in his side now, and now you're having arguments and you've left him is bizarre. It's not a healthy relationship.

Original poster
DustandDander · 17/11/2021 13:06

I should've added, he hasn't been around much, he hasn't stayed over once. I told him we need to take it slow in order to protect the children. So he hasn't been thrust in their faces and it'll be all of a sudden he's gone again. That was my way of making sure they stay stable - baby steps as you were.

OP posts:
Embracelife · 17/11/2021 13:07

Let him take his dc t with his family.
When you split he will be entitled to take the dc on holiday without you

Splitvup for sale of your dd

Tal45 · 17/11/2021 13:11

I agree with pp's you don't sound very stable OP. You seem most upset about the fact that your 'wonderful' OH is going to take his children away with his family - which really isn't unreasonable and which he'll be able to do when you split up anyway. And you're not thinking of the kids and what a great time they'd have at all - just that you'd miss out on seeing their first holiday. They're perfectly able to go on holiday both years, you're just being very controlling saying they can only go on your family holiday.

You describe things as wonderful despite the fact he won't speak to your child - this would be considered emotional abuse by the way - and is more than enough reason that you should never have gone back to this man.

FawnFrenchieMum · 17/11/2021 13:13

@5128gap

He's not unreasonable to want to take his DC on an extended family holiday. DC would probably have a great time. He is unreasonable to say you're going as that is up to you. You are unreasonable to think a holiday for the five of you is a suitable alternative to the large family holiday. Two totally different things. He is beyond unreasonable to treat your DD like that. You are unreasonable to have reconciled with him if he treats your DD like that.
This with bells on!

As an aside to all the issues other people have addressed, why shouldn't a DF be able to take his children on holiday with his family. Can't imagine anyone would say no to a mother doing the same?

Regularsizedrudy · 17/11/2021 13:14

How have you managed to have 2 kids with someone who “hasn’t been around much” ??

ZeroFuchsGiven · 17/11/2021 13:16

@DustandDander

I should've added, he hasn't been around much, he hasn't stayed over once. I told him we need to take it slow in order to protect the children. So he hasn't been thrust in their faces and it'll be all of a sudden he's gone again. That was my way of making sure they stay stable - baby steps as you were.
You are not being honest with us or yourself, on the 5th Novemeber you stayed with him with your kids, you had a thread about it and how shit he made you feel. You won't get any advice with lies. I'm out.
Disfordarkchocolate · 17/11/2021 13:18

I would not be getting back with anyone who treats my daughter like this.

Spedder · 17/11/2021 13:19

YANBU

daisyjgrey · 17/11/2021 13:20

Anyway we have reconciled and things have been wonderful.

Questionable.

WonderfulYou · 17/11/2021 13:26

What a disgusting person to leave out a child like that Angry I’m glad you’ve got rid of him he sounds like a joke!

BiLuminous · 17/11/2021 13:26

This is a u-turn of Boris Johnson proportions.

SergeantCatFlap · 17/11/2021 13:28

As others have said - he has every right to take his DC on vacation with his family. But it sounds like this relationship is totally broken.

SunburstsOrMarbleHalls · 17/11/2021 13:37

@DustandDander

I should've added, he hasn't been around much, he hasn't stayed over once. I told him we need to take it slow in order to protect the children. So he hasn't been thrust in their faces and it'll be all of a sudden he's gone again. That was my way of making sure they stay stable - baby steps as you were.
Never mind baby steps the only steps I would be taking are long strides in the opposite direction from that sorry excuse for a man.

So ok your DD ignores him. Has he wondered why and thought perhaps it is a defence mechanism after your split? Instead of trying to work to resolve their relationship he decides to be an immature prick and ignore her to the point of actually trying to exclude her from family life.

That's before we even get into the part when he decided FOR you and TOLD you that you were going on holiday without your daughter. He sounds like a controlling abusive arsehole.

Look at his abusive behaviour towards your daughter and you and realise he is not a good person. Your two young sons should not grow up in an environment where they witness females treated this way.

BillDates · 17/11/2021 13:38

The taking his children on holiday without you isn't the issue. Booking you in when you've said no to going yourself is, I'd actually let him take his children on holiday, and spend some time with your dd building her up. Show her she's your priority and get some quality time in with her.

If you are separated then your daughter won't be included in everything her sibling do with their father, and if he was telling you that you weren't allowed to go on holiday with your children and your extended family when you aren't even together he'd be called controlling.

The issue is, you start off saying you're together and say he treats your daughter like a thorn in his side and continuing with him. You say he ignores her but then say he's hardly ever there. It does sound like you're more annoyed that a dad is taking his children on a holiday without you. That's a perfectly reasonable thing to do, esp if it's true that you aren't together now. Dads who don't take their children on holidays and go alone get called arseholes. People don't go on holidays with their exes in general and even less so when it's an ex blended family.

2typesofjungle · 17/11/2021 13:38

Op you need to be honest yourself, until then there is no point posting here.

GoodForTheSoul · 17/11/2021 13:40

This is such a BS post. Are you bored?

Everything you say is such a contradiction, I'm inclined to believe none of it is true.