DP riled me up AIBU?

[DustandDander]

Bit of background. Dp and I together 5 years, we have 2 dc age 1 & 3. We had a break for a few months when dc 2 was young as things got a bit rocky and it wasn't healthy for any of us. Anyway we have reconciled and things have been wonderful.

While we were apart his parents suggested he, our dc, and other family members go abroad next year. At this point I didn't say yes or no as I wasn't sure. We get back together and it was suggested I go on this holiday. I said I think it's best to wait to make sure we're secure before I commit to going (bearing in mind nothing is booked as yet.) He decided for me and tells them I'm going, WITHOUT my 15 year old DD (as she wouldn't want to go) 🙄 which has royaly pissed me off. Bearing in mind he won't speak to her or have any conversation, it's obvious he sees her as a thorn in his side.

I said let's compromise on an ALTERNATIVE, if things are good next year why don't we book for the 5 of us - sensible I think. He said great but I'm still going to take the youngest dc on this year. Er that's not an alternative that's an addition!

I'm really quite riled that 1, he made the decision for me and left my DD out 2, he thinks it's okay to take our young dc abroad on their first holiday without their mum when I suggested a completely reasonable alternative.

Your thoughts please.

So surely hes now your ex dp? You clearly cant carry on in a relationship with someone who treats your daughter like this. She comes first, simples.

His is my ex dp for sure.

I'm shit at relationship advice, but please get your younger children's passports sorted, signed by you, with your family as emergency contacts and then stash them somewhere safe. If it's at your parents', a sibling's or a friends then that's fine.

You need full control of those passports.

Sorry OP, agree with the majority.

Whether he goes with the littlies or not wouldn't be a big deal to me so long as we had a full family holiday later, BUT him not speaking to your eldest is bound to be damaging her, no matter what she says.

I'm surprised you reconciled and, assumedly, moved her in with him without first sorting his attitude to her. My first LTB - permanently

First batch child here - this is why I disagree with having children by different fathers/mothers.

It is not nice to be a second class child in your own home.

Your have not put your daughter first, why didn't you dump him when he started abusing your daughter?

We don't live together thank goodness and I have firm control of our passports.

BIL let DS down recently and I was livid, wanted nothing to do with him for a while etc. I'm trying to imagine a situation where I allow a man I live with to have "nothing to do" with my DD and... I just can't.

Sorry OP, your alternative suggestion not being accepted is not the problem. There is a much much bigger problem here.

If you heard how I kicked off last night my main point was about my daughter. I told him she and our dc will always be my priority, always come first.

My mother would often have shouting matches with my father about the way he treated us, but ultimately she never actually took any action about it, never delivered any consequences.

It's one thing to tell us how your daughter always comes first, but you know the line about actions and words. Take out the words and what is actually being done to reassure her that she's your priority and you won't be going on family holidays without her, or doing anything else to make her feel unwanted at home?

Sorry, OP, but I agree with everyone else. The nonsense about the holiday aside, him not speaking to your DD is vile and abusive, and you accepting it is heartbreaking. If you want a relationship with your daughter, you can't be in a relationship with this man.

@DustandDander

We don't live together thank goodness and I have firm control of our passports.

Ah, that makes a difference.

Still...how is your daughter being reassured?

So if he's your Ex-DP get your self to a solicitor and get a child arrangement order which states who can take the kids out of the country, and who has them when - just to be safe...

And yet you are still a couple and you are more annoyed he's taking the other kids on holiday without you. Fuck sake.

I clearly said I do not accept it, have not accept it and won't accept it. We're over. Whatever his issues are with my wonderful daughter are his issues not ours. I'm not prepared to let her feel awkward in her OWN Home and left out. No way not ever.

why won't your daughter go on this holiday? Can you make some changes (eg accommodation) so it suits her better.
I don't think he's entirely unreasonable to want to take his children on a planned holiday with his family.

@DustandDander

Him and my dd used to really get on, it's since we got back together it's been different.

And yet, instead of tackling this massive issue you casually mention it as an insignificant side note.

She isn't coming before him if you're back with a man who ignores her.

She's 15. She needs a STRONG message that no woman puts up with a man treating her or her family/children badly.

Get rid of this prick.

he thinks it's okay to take our young dc abroad on their first holiday without their mum

It's not. They don't go. Make it clear to him now that they won't be going anywhere without you. Especially in the company of a man who emotionally abuses their sister.

If he is your ex (should be) then keep it that way and prioritise your children.
There is no reason why he shouldn't be able to take his children on holiday with his family (just as you could take the children on holiday) , but if you have any concerns that he wouldn't bring them back then seek legal advice.

Find a way to co parent the younger children that prioritises them.

So in your OP hes your partner, you're back together and things have been wonderful.

Except for the fact he doesn't speak to your daughter.

So now you're back-pedalling like crazy.

She's 15. She needs a STRONG message that no woman puts up with a man treating her or her family/children badly.

This in spades, or is it that at 15 she won’t be around much longer to get in the way?

He's not unreasonable to want to take his DC on an extended family holiday. DC would probably have a great time.
He is unreasonable to say you're going as that is up to you.
You are unreasonable to think a holiday for the five of you is a suitable alternative to the large family holiday. Two totally different things.
He is beyond unreasonable to treat your DD like that.
You are unreasonable to have reconciled with him if he treats your DD like that.

He has shown you who he is, believe him!

He leaves your daughter out. He wants to take your children away without you. He makes decisions for you without consulting you.

Sounds like he's a nasty, controlling man and you'd be better off without him. So would your fifteen-year-old, who shouldn't have to put up with that kind of treatment from any man.

Ooh, just read where you say 'We're over." Well done. Sound decision there.

If he is your ex then I think he should be able to take his children on holiday. Who knows - perhaps he honestly believed your daughter wouldn’t want to go, after all teenage girls can be difficult and having an unstable living situation where you and her siblings father have broken up and gotten back together may have her upset and acting out against him in ways your not aware of.

This is why have children with multiple partners can be problematic, especially if the second relationship fails too.

@Clymene

So in your OP hes your partner, you're back together and things have been wonderful.

Except for the fact he doesn't speak to your daughter.

So now you're back-pedalling like crazy.

Exactly.

This is a mess and it doesn't sound like the OP is being truthful to herself at all.

You've completely changed your tune - you were more concerned about him taking the younger kids on holiday, and now all of a sudden you've split up and your 15 year old is priority. Even though he's not spoken to her, and you've been back with him and "it's been wonderful" 🙄