AIBU to think husband should be home with me and the kids in the evenings?

[Supermummy88]

Good evening everyone.

I just need some advice please. I am a SAHM and have two young children, a 2 year old and a 6 year old. I feel that I really struggle with my 2 year old when it comes to bedtime as he resists sleeping at times and is still up quite a few times at night which is really starting to exhaust me physically and mentally. My 6 year old still wants me to read him a story before bedtime and he also reads a book to me, so I feel like I’m doing 2 bedtime routines at times. My husband works full time and he started going to the gym with my friends husband after work 4 times a week Monday-Thursday from 7pm-9pm. I spoke to him about this and said that I’m starting to struggle in the evenings and would appreciate his help and if he could perhaps go to the gym at 6pm-7pm. He reacted badly and said no, if he can’t go with my friends husband then he’s not going at all, so now he’s stopped going ( apparently friends husband is the only person he enjoys training with so he needs to go when he goes) He’s now saying that if he gets unfit and unwell it’s my fault because I’ve stopped him going to the gym. He’s also started to eat a lot of junk food because he’s saying if he can’t train then he might aswel eat what he wants. Any suggestions on what to do??

Thank you xx

My DH goes training 4 out of 5 nights straight from work, not coming in until 7 or 8, the difference is our DC have left home.

When we had 2 toddlers/primary we both tried to be home by 6 for the bedtime routine, sometimes we juggled and I did more than him as he had to work away and had the longer commute. Neither of us would have suggested ducking out of the bedtime for “me” time.

Do you do all the childcare OP?

Tell him you already have two children, you don’t need a third

Then ask him if he goes 4 nights a week when you get your down time?

Perhaps a compromise of two nights a week at home, two at the gym, and then you do stuff for two nights between whatever hours he goes to the gym

So in effect you do sole bedtime twice a week, he does it twice a week and three times a week it’s joint

My Ex was like this. I asked him to be back earlier and he would get angry with me. Then he would say that it was his work… or that he needed to go to the shop…

You are a single parent really now. Like I was. What is the point of him? If he’s leaving you to do everything, then he’s broken your partnership. Going out alternate nights isn’t the answer. You need to feel like you are pulling together as a family. And he isn’t.

It’s not even about him working and you being a SAHM. With my Ex I worked more than him, but somehow couldn’t be around to pick up the kids from nursery. He’s taking you for granted and he’s dodging being a Dad.

If he wants to be a fat cunt AND a shit dad, that’s his lookout. But none of it is your fault, despite what he says. Awful man.

SO, you are rearing three children...two you gave birth to, and one you married. Tell that jerk that if he gets unfit and unwell, it is all down to the choices that he has made, and not to even think about trying to lay the at your door.

Compromise, just a bit. Tell him that you'll be happy for him to join his friend 1-2 nights a week, and he can go earlier the other nights. He is also a parent, and needs to get his head out of his arse.

@Ileflottante

If he wants to be a fat cunt AND a shit dad, that’s his lookout. But none of it is your fault, despite what he says. Awful man.

This, I suppose. Harsh but accurate.

Could you get some weights at home? I don't know if you have space, but you could suggest AFTER bed times, he could head out for a 20 min jog and then do 20 mins or so free weights? Then swap so you can do the same (like a fitness relay race!)

If he says no to this, he is clearly just trying to get out the house (and away from you and the kids- sorry) and doesn't care about fitness at all!

Eat all his junk food and poke him awake every time the 2-year-old wakes up. Time he started pulling his increasing weight.

Why not start going out for 2 hours on the other three evenings? Same timings. Bet he'll fold within a fortnight.

Take out a more expensive life-insurance policy on him?
Planning how to spend it should fill in the time he takes to sulk himself into a decline and death.

Divorce him.

What a pathetic knob. Show him this thread.

Ignore his sulking and when he’s ready to be an adult, compromise as other pps have suggested - 2/3 nights off for you EACH per week.

What a twat.
His fault if he decides to self-sabotage. Is he always this stupid and horrible?

For me the golden rule should be that both partners get equal amounts of leisure time, regardless of whether one is a CEO and one is a SAHP.

Before children, my STBXH used to arrive home from work every night at 6:45pm. The moment our DC arrived, he was never home before 7:30pm, conveniently after all the evening children work (dinner, bath and bed) was done. Same job, no different responsibilities, he just hung back at office to avoid having to help.

Your ‘DH’ is a selfish, inconsiderate, piece of $&@.

If something doesn’t change you will resent him; I am sure resentment has already kicked in. Which will be the death of your relationship.

Wishing you lots of luck dealing with your selfish, twat and p$&@k of a ‘DH’.

So you have three children then!

Your husband is behaving like a spoilt selfish arsehole. You already have two children, you don't need another so tell him to stop acting like a child, grow up and pull his weight in the parenting duties.

He's playing "Look what you made me do."

He could try asking his friend to go at a time that works for all of you.

(Sounds like he’s being very selfish though)

Go back to work. The household finances will have to cover childcare.
With arseholes like this, you need to have some financial independence.

Are you absolutely sure he's going to the gym OP? He clearly has absolutely no respect for you so I wouldn't necessarily take his word for it.

I didn’t really mince my words but I stand by it. He’s being so manipulative. Theo later who said he’s playing the “look what you made me do” game is right.

The poster*

He need to go out after they're asleep. The problem gets worse as they older, but still a rent old enough to leave home alone he needs to make the most of them being asleep while they're you g!

@Shoxfordian

Was he definitely going to the gym?

He sounds like a knob

Cynical. But that was my thought. He's either an ultimate selfish dick or doing something else.