AIBU to want to scream every time my DF says these words?!

[BustyLaRoux]

I want to begin by saying “aaaaaarrrgggghhh!!!!”

So my DF is really into music. I thought it would be nice if I took him to a gig for a guy he likes. I bought the tickets ages ago. (Please take yourself off if you have any comments about Covid risks!)

So for context my DF is a funny old dude. Funny in the socially odd way. Rather than ha ha funny! He has plenty of money but likes to save it and count it. He is the kind of man who would lend his daughter a fiver then ring me daily until I paid it into his bank account, rather than be like my DM (sadly departed) who was generous til the end and wouldn’t dream of asking for a fiver back!

So the gig starts early and it’s a school night. I don’t particularly want to go as I have to travel to France the following day but it’s fine. I want him to enjoy the music and enjoy being taken out. Anyway the fussing, the endless fussing is driving me mad. The daily phone calls about where we are going to meet. (Outside the venue perhaps??!) No no, he says we should go for dinner first. I don’t want to go for dinner (which I did not voice as that would be rude). Everything revolves around food for him. He is massively overweight and is borderline for diabetes but seems unable to stop eating so much! So we are going for dinner. I am not asked if I want to. I am told he thinks we should go to x restaurant first. OK, I say. Fine. (Means me meeting him an hour earlier than I wanted but OK). So he doesn’t like to spend a lot on anything and has a mental list of reasonably priced eateries around the city we live in. As it happens I don’t mind this place (it’s somewhere I introduced him to when I took him out another time). And he frequents these places and every single time he will comment over and over about how cheap the food is. Not how nice the food is. Or any other aspect of the experience. Just how good value it is. Every. Single. Time.

But the worst part is that he continually says “I’ll pay!!!” Like this is somehow a massive favour to me! He must have said it eight times already: “I’ll pay!!!” I feel like screaming.

1. I don’t want the dinner. This is what you want, not what I want.
2. I’ve said “oh lovely thanks” enough times now. Stop repeating it over and over like this is some HUGE act of generosity on your part. And I should hurl myself onto the ground and flagellate myself in an act of extreme gratitude!
3. I don’t give a shit who pays. It’s not expensive. Both of us can afford it. It’s not a massive deal when someone pays for lunch or a cheap meal or a round of drinks. It’s just WHAT NORMAL PEOPLE DO!!! For the love of God, will you stop repeating it over and over again!

Then he rings me again yesterday (during work. Always has to ring me during work!) to say he doesn’t want to meet in the restaurant actually and we should go for a drink first. I don’t want to drink. It’s a school night. It’s him that wants to drink. (He is a fairly heavy drinker). So now I have to meet him an hour and a half before the gig starts to accommodate his wanting a drink and food, neither of which I want at all. But of course I just agree as it’s easier and I know he is getting excited and I don’t want to be a bitch (he goes out all the time btw. This isn’t someone who doesn’t have many friends or doesn’t go out much).

So we agree a time and a pub. And then comes the words….”I’ll pay!!!”

Aaaaaargh!!!

NB this is a lighthearted post. He drives me and my brother mad and I need an outlet to vent my frustrations so please keep responses lighthearted. Nothing about “I’ve lost my DF and would love to take him out you selfish cow…” I get it.

Haha your dad sounds absolutely infuriating OP and I think you are handling him wonderfully. Better to try and see the funny side and vent on here than blow up at him cos….. well…..you know….you only get one dad and some people haven’t got one at all.

Nowomenaroundeh ah yes constantly asking the price of everything.
Him: is that a new phone?
Me: what? Oh yeah. The old one was sooo ancient it just gave up!
Him: how much did you pay for that then??

Me: so we had a lovely holiday (thanks for not asking!)
Him: how much did it cost you?
Me: I don’t think that is an appropriate question, dad!

LimeJellyforBrains actually no, I don’t think he is expecting me to offer to pay. It’s all about being seen to be making a grand gesture of generosity. Like he would never pay for something and stay quiet about it (what would be the good of that.??!) He wants to be seen making the gesture. As someone else said it takes away the joy. If we just went for a meal (albeit a cheap one) and he paid. I’d say “oh that’s nice of you, cheers dad” as I would if it were my DP or my DB or a friend. But that’s not enough recognition for DF. He needs the recognition. Over. And over. And over……

PinkSyCo that’s exactly it! I need to laugh and vent or I would go mad.

Honestly it’s just hard work being with him. He is sweet and I get that he’s excited. He just has no capacity to think beyond his own needs. And there is no point being blunt because he has no capacity to change and would just be offended. Or he would try and fail. Example: I once said on the phone “dad, you’ve been talking non stop about yourself for 20 minutes and you haven’t even asked me how I am!” (regular occurrence!) So for the next few phone calls he would make a point of asking “HOW are YOU???” And I would start answering like this “oh, you know, fine thanks, head is giving me a bit of trouble (I suffer from a condition which gives me headaches a lot of the time)” and at this point he would interrupt me to say “oh well MY head has been quite bad this week. On Tuesday I had to take a paracetamol…..” and so that was that. There is no capacity to make any real change so I will try my best to be patient (which I do not always manage) and I will vent to my DB (who will do the same back) and I might even go on MN so I can chuckle. Because that is how I can cope.

HaveringWavering no I do think he should eat dinner, but at home. I would also have eaten something quick and healthy as I have to work until 5pm and I am trying to lose some weight. I don’t really want a meal out. It’s a nice enough place, but it will mean meeting earlier than I intended and eating food which isn’t what I’d planned. It’s fine. I can find something there I’m sure. I’m certainly not suggesting he shouldn’t eat any dinner because he is fat! I’m not sure where you got that from. I’m saying he is a little bit obsessed with food (and parking, routes, bowel movements and the cost of everything!) and is overweight. Not that he should starve!

MIL infuriates me in a similar way, I totally get it.

Over the years my tolerance has completely disappeared and I now just behave as though she hasn't spoken when she starts on one of her monologues about her bowels, or mavis over the roads sister's dogs friends aunts hairdresser's sciatica. Or whatever.

If you think he's fishing for thanks, how would he respond if you said (after the first time and you've said thank you, obvs) 'yes, dad, you've said' or what if the conversation was

'I'll pay!' (repeatedly)
'is it a problem dad? You keep mentioning it? I'll pay for myself'

And then each time he says he'll pay after that 'no dad, you don't need to, I've said I'll pay for me'

Just thinking if he doesn't get the gratification he's looking for there no need for him to continue the behaviour? That's the rack I've taken with MIL, and it seems to work somewhat.

WeatherwaxLives unfortunately this would have the opposite effect! I would say “I’ll pay for myself dad, it’s fine”. And he would then go really over the top “no, no, I can’t have you paying. You bought the tickets” and then that would give him impetus to go on about it even more! Believe me I have tried rebuffing his offers of payment before but it just gives him a platform to repeat his intention to pay EVEN MORE!! I’ve learnt it’s best to thank him a few times (I aim for about four) then after that I just don’t respond when he says “I’ll pay!!!” This is the least painful.

I have the opposite from my DDad, all restaurants are treated with suspicion and an offer to provide a sandwich and a bottle of water

Oh dear. My DF enjoys eating out but it’s always a Spoons or really bad carvery (“it’s £2.99!!! I can’t believe how cheap it is!” This fact alone really ought to be treated with suspicion!) But sadly the price point overwhelms all other facets of the meal (except maybe for how easy the parking is…) Anyway I am going to design a mental bingo card to play with my DB and SIL so that we can add some lighthearted entertainment to ease our pain and suffering. Points will be attached to subjects and the winner gets taken out to a Wetherspoons!

Busty, your DF and my DM would sound like a match made in heaven. She has to constantly insist on paying. And then constantly remind you everyone who paid for what. So you get a blow by blow of an outing with her friends
"Mavis paid for the bus so Dorothy paid for the coffees, then I paid for lunch, that was 10.40. EACH. Imagine that! (brief tangent on the price of that lunch versus the lunch a month ago with a breakdown of what was in everybody's sandwiches) and and because I paid for lunch Mavis sneaked out and paid for that ornament Susan liked in that little shop so that meant Susan had to buy Mavis her weekly shopping so when we went to the gardening shop I bought Dorothy a spade to make up for it"... I... I just don't get it.

I went on a trip with DM once. She wanted me to come as company for someone else around my age so insisted on paying. No joke, for the entire week of that trip, several times a day, every single shop assistant, waiter, taxi driver and often just random passer-bys were informed that she paid for my trip and it was her treat. It was excruciating. So I'll never travel with her again.

Drinkingallthewine that trip does sound fun!!! 😱 Yeah constant reminders about who paid just suck the joy. Whenever my dad meets someone for lunch or anything the first (and actually the only!) thing he will focus on is how much it cost and who paid. Nothing about the food, the atmosphere, the service…. All he tells anyone about is what it cost and whether it was gold value. He’s obsessed with good value.

Actually last night I paid for my own drink in the end! I didn’t trust him to order me a nice gin and tonic, I’d have got house gin and schwepps and I wanted something nicer, but he’ll always opt for cheapest. He did pay for dinner. I am quite sure this will be mentioned a few more times before the year is out!!