AIBU to want to scream every time my DF says these words?!

[BustyLaRoux]

I want to begin by saying “aaaaaarrrgggghhh!!!!”

So my DF is really into music. I thought it would be nice if I took him to a gig for a guy he likes. I bought the tickets ages ago. (Please take yourself off if you have any comments about Covid risks!)

So for context my DF is a funny old dude. Funny in the socially odd way. Rather than ha ha funny! He has plenty of money but likes to save it and count it. He is the kind of man who would lend his daughter a fiver then ring me daily until I paid it into his bank account, rather than be like my DM (sadly departed) who was generous til the end and wouldn’t dream of asking for a fiver back!

So the gig starts early and it’s a school night. I don’t particularly want to go as I have to travel to France the following day but it’s fine. I want him to enjoy the music and enjoy being taken out. Anyway the fussing, the endless fussing is driving me mad. The daily phone calls about where we are going to meet. (Outside the venue perhaps??!) No no, he says we should go for dinner first. I don’t want to go for dinner (which I did not voice as that would be rude). Everything revolves around food for him. He is massively overweight and is borderline for diabetes but seems unable to stop eating so much! So we are going for dinner. I am not asked if I want to. I am told he thinks we should go to x restaurant first. OK, I say. Fine. (Means me meeting him an hour earlier than I wanted but OK). So he doesn’t like to spend a lot on anything and has a mental list of reasonably priced eateries around the city we live in. As it happens I don’t mind this place (it’s somewhere I introduced him to when I took him out another time). And he frequents these places and every single time he will comment over and over about how cheap the food is. Not how nice the food is. Or any other aspect of the experience. Just how good value it is. Every. Single. Time.

But the worst part is that he continually says “I’ll pay!!!” Like this is somehow a massive favour to me! He must have said it eight times already: “I’ll pay!!!” I feel like screaming.

1. I don’t want the dinner. This is what you want, not what I want.
2. I’ve said “oh lovely thanks” enough times now. Stop repeating it over and over like this is some HUGE act of generosity on your part. And I should hurl myself onto the ground and flagellate myself in an act of extreme gratitude!
3. I don’t give a shit who pays. It’s not expensive. Both of us can afford it. It’s not a massive deal when someone pays for lunch or a cheap meal or a round of drinks. It’s just WHAT NORMAL PEOPLE DO!!! For the love of God, will you stop repeating it over and over again!

Then he rings me again yesterday (during work. Always has to ring me during work!) to say he doesn’t want to meet in the restaurant actually and we should go for a drink first. I don’t want to drink. It’s a school night. It’s him that wants to drink. (He is a fairly heavy drinker). So now I have to meet him an hour and a half before the gig starts to accommodate his wanting a drink and food, neither of which I want at all. But of course I just agree as it’s easier and I know he is getting excited and I don’t want to be a bitch (he goes out all the time btw. This isn’t someone who doesn’t have many friends or doesn’t go out much).

So we agree a time and a pub. And then comes the words….”I’ll pay!!!”

Aaaaaargh!!!

NB this is a lighthearted post. He drives me and my brother mad and I need an outlet to vent my frustrations so please keep responses lighthearted. Nothing about “I’ve lost my DF and would love to take him out you selfish cow…” I get it.

Anyway after about 2 minutes he walks over and deliberately stands right in between the two of us so we can no longer see each other. Puts his hands on his hips and breathes out a massive sigh!!!! Done quite deliberately to break our conversation so he can start a new one about him

Can you make an arrangement with people who know him that as soon as he makes his first move to pursue this tactic you move to stand right next to each other so he can't get between you? Or that you just instantly take a step to the side and carry on the conversation?

You can have DM who constantly tells me leaving my shopping trolley open looks messy, even though I've told her countless times that with SmartShop you pack as you go round. She said it seven times once.

@TheLovelinessOfDemons How do you respond to that without swearing?!?

Rant away OP, I get it. My dad wanted to treat me to a birthday lunch a couple of years back. It had to be at the cheapest pub in the area where they were doing 2 for 1… he kept saying that it would be brilliant, 2 for the price of 1, what a bargain etc. He didn’t think of the cost of the drinks and desserts on top of that, so was shocked to the core when the bill came to £30. Honestly, he looked completely crestfallen. He will spend a lot on food to have at home, but seems to despise paying to eat out anywhere. He won’t change

He is excited and anxious thats all.

Oh OP I feel you.

My parents and in laws aren't quite as bad. I love them all dearly but they also do my head in. My Mum constantly repeats things which were not very interesting to start with.
If she tells me how she was ill on my wedding day one more time I am going to snap at her. It comes up every time anyone has a fond memory of the day. She interrupts with "Well I was SO ILL". She seemed fine but was unfortunately at the tail end of a bug. I don't know why she thinks she needs to keep bringing it up at every mention of the day.

My Dad is also obsessed with parking. If he picks DH and I up from their local train station he starts driving the car off before we've even got in it properly. He's always worried he'll go over the 20 minute waiting limit.

And MIL and my Mum both tell us in detail about their bowels if they've had any kind of upset. WHY?

MIL is unable to take a train by herself without discussing it in detail, despite having lived in London most of her life and regularly used the tube and trains.

FIL is always talking about people's weight. And every social arrangement has to be made at a place of his choosing, with him specifying the area or table he wants to eat at, having examined the menu to check what he might eat. But we have to be the ones to make the booking and phone up the restaurant with his bloody requirements. It's embarrassing.

We try to accept them as they are, but it is wearing!
They are all in their early/mid 70's so not super old. DH and I wonder if being retired might have made their worlds a bit smaller so they obsess over small things.

And @hangrylady my parents also don't see the joy in eating out either. They say they don't do it because my mum could 'do better at home". She absolutely couldn't, she is a terrible cook. Her cooking is the reason I thought I didn't like beef and various vegetables for years because she overcooks stuff so much!

I read the whole OP thinking it was D Fiance !

I was all ready to post ... He's clearly not Mr. Right for you.

(sorry no help)

Elderly dads and parking
In the end I started gently taking the mickey & he got it, bless him.

I feel for you too, Op. Its all very well saying ' be blunt ' or ' refuse to do xyz' but when the OPs SlL pulled him up on his very obvious interruption, he walked out in a strop.
My parents / stepdad are also difficult (although in different ways) and are also pretty self obsessed, don't tend to consider other people's wants.

And I'm afraid to say people get to a certain age and don't really change.

Mine is a ranter, very hard to be with and stay upbeat. Don't we all dread ending up like this although we mostly love them dearly.

I'm just wondering whether every time he says "I'll pay!" he's expecting you to say "Oh no dad, it's my treat!" But you don't, so he says it over and over again to give you more opportunities.

Do you think that's a possibility?

You need boundaries. Just say no. Why say yes to dinner and drinks and then moan about it? I have voted yabu because, annoying though he sounds, you are being a martyr here.

I so get this OP.
I am cataleptic even when five minutes away from parents house. I know the first thing that will happen is my very slim DM will look me up and down and I know full well she is thinking I have put weight on.
She'll then ask me if I want something incredibly fattening like half a pound of cheese on toast and cake while giving me her top 10 diet tips.
I usually last an hour tops.

@BustyLaRoux

hotmeatymilk I did chuckle at the thought of having a fiancé like this. Although my poor DM!!

I do need a bingo card I think. “I’ll pay” obviously being top of the list. Followed by “it’s so cheap here!”. Must think of more….

I was going to suggest a bingo card. DH and I have a mental card for every time my DM started a sentence with 'I' - she only talks about herself so it's a winner everytime

I do get your frustration but is it not a bit unfair to suggest that he should not eat any dinner AT ALL before the gig, just because he is overweight?! Fat people still have to eat something! It’s you being a bit weird planning to eat nothing.

So my Dad (god rest him) was fanatical about ''Who's Parking Outside?''. Face pressed against the front window whenever he heard an engine, so multiple times a day. Always left the curtains in disarray.

So then we have DM jump up and say '' Norman (not name) ''Why can't you leave the curtains neat!?'' then turns to who ever's nearest and says ''Men can't DO curtains you know!'' Comedy eye roll and big laugh. And then go to the window to make a fuss rearranging the curtains.

Every time.

Every.Time.

@Laiste

So my Dad (god rest him) was fanatical about ''Who's Parking Outside?''. Face pressed against the front window whenever he heard an engine, so multiple times a day. Always left the curtains in disarray.

So then we have DM jump up and say '' Norman (not name) ''Why can't you leave the curtains neat!?'' then turns to who ever's nearest and says ''Men can't DO curtains you know!'' Comedy eye roll and big laugh. And then go to the window to make a fuss rearranging the curtains.

Every time.

Every.Time.

This actually caused a spike in my blood pressure.

This reminds me of a friend who took us out to dinner and made a big fuss of it being her treat to us. We were careful about not over ordering and not ordering expensive stuff, but she huffed and puffed about it and watched us like hawks to see what we ordered. She was drinking water whilst we really fancied a glass of wine with our meal. You can imagine how that went down. The last straw came when she declined a pudding, but I wanted one because I love puddings. Dh was so fed up that he waited until she'd gone to the toilet then he paid for the whole thing. Most tense meal I've ever had 😬

Sounds a lot like my DF except he wouldn’t want the fiver back I don’t think. e.g. we have been planning what everyone will be doing for Xmas since about July. Every meet up etc necessitates two or three phone calls. The best is being given a selection of dates then when I pick one getting told he would prefer x date

After my mum passed we visited NZ/Australian together for a family wedding. His sandals were wearing out and he wanted some more but exactly the same so in every city we visited we had to go into every shoe shop we passed and enquire about ‘girls school sandals but in a men’s size.’ We had a lovely time on the trip but when we got back to the U.K. I was paying the extra to get the earlier bus if you know what I mean!

I have decided that he may be a bit on the spectrum, don’t know if you have considered that in your case?

My only suggestion would have been to convince your DF he could have a few drinks at the gig.

It’s also a case of all things needing to be done now. So I’ll say x didn’t need to be done now, let me think about it and get back to you. But he will mention it again in a few days time like it just sits at the top of his brain until it gets sorted.

All in all sounds like you had a nice evening out and is something you will have nice memories of in years to come.

Indeed, chara, my mum and stepdad 'treated' us to a meal out for a milestone birthday of mine, and all through the meal there was grumbling about how long the food took to arrive, the fact there wasn't enough of it, and then as always with dessert , grumbling about the cost as you can get a whole apple pie / cake for the cost of the slice.
I felt like saying either pay with good grace or don't fecking offer.

The meal itself was lovely but marred by the moaning.

@RicherThanYew but is the fish and chips vegan?

I’m all for ethical or religious veganism but find the people who do it for fashion/lifestyle (or something to talk about) can be a bit much

@BustyLaRoux

LindaEllen I totally get what you’re saying. This is why I’ve agreed to do the things he’s imposing on me. I know he’s excited and wants to make a night of it. He doesn’t consider that I’m trying to cut down my alcohol intake, or that I have to be up early the next day. He only thinks about how much he would like a drink and how he doesn’t have to get up early the next day. I’ve realised over the years that he isn’t capable of putting himself in someone else’s shoes. It would never occur to him to wonder whether what he wants and what the other person might want are the same. He just doesn’t think that way. So I agree to it because I know it will make him happy. Do I have to like it? No. Can I find somewhere to vent? Hopefully. Will I give any clue as to what I’m really thinking? No. Actually he has no ability to read other people so he will have zero clue that this is burdening me. He cannot conceive of other people’s burdens so unless I spelled it out to him very clearly, he wouldn’t have any idea. And I could do that. But it would upset him. And despite me moaning about him, I have no wish to upset him.

DS 10 has ADHD and is actually very empathic unless he's starting to get hyper. DH also has ADHD and can't seem to learn that DS doesn't give a fuck about my feelings when he's hyper. The 2 of them together are quite difficult to manage. DH means well but just doesn't understand.

[quote RicherThanYew]@TheLovelinessOfDemons How do you respond to that without swearing?!?[/quote]
I have autism. I don't swear, but I eventually end up repeating myself in a loud voice.

Also:"I always put my shopping trolley in the supermarket trolley."

"I. Pack. As. I. Go. Round. How would I get it out again?"

@Tilltheend99 Ah, no. This is the interesting part. My vegan cousin is VERY conscious about asking to see wrappers, packets etc (so he wants proof, fair enough) wherever he goes and there is an opportunity to perform his veganism but when he is at home he eats all kinds of fish and the occasional chicken nugget. When I explained that this wasn't veganism he told me that I didn't understand and that veganism had changed. I haven't had a conversation with him in 2 years that has not involved veganism. I don't mind, my dear friend has been an actual vegan for 20 years and she never says a word on the subject so it sort of balances out.

@TheLovelinessOfDemons Try swearing, it works wonders