AIBU to want to scream every time my DF says these words?!

[BustyLaRoux]

I want to begin by saying “aaaaaarrrgggghhh!!!!”

So my DF is really into music. I thought it would be nice if I took him to a gig for a guy he likes. I bought the tickets ages ago. (Please take yourself off if you have any comments about Covid risks!)

So for context my DF is a funny old dude. Funny in the socially odd way. Rather than ha ha funny! He has plenty of money but likes to save it and count it. He is the kind of man who would lend his daughter a fiver then ring me daily until I paid it into his bank account, rather than be like my DM (sadly departed) who was generous til the end and wouldn’t dream of asking for a fiver back!

So the gig starts early and it’s a school night. I don’t particularly want to go as I have to travel to France the following day but it’s fine. I want him to enjoy the music and enjoy being taken out. Anyway the fussing, the endless fussing is driving me mad. The daily phone calls about where we are going to meet. (Outside the venue perhaps??!) No no, he says we should go for dinner first. I don’t want to go for dinner (which I did not voice as that would be rude). Everything revolves around food for him. He is massively overweight and is borderline for diabetes but seems unable to stop eating so much! So we are going for dinner. I am not asked if I want to. I am told he thinks we should go to x restaurant first. OK, I say. Fine. (Means me meeting him an hour earlier than I wanted but OK). So he doesn’t like to spend a lot on anything and has a mental list of reasonably priced eateries around the city we live in. As it happens I don’t mind this place (it’s somewhere I introduced him to when I took him out another time). And he frequents these places and every single time he will comment over and over about how cheap the food is. Not how nice the food is. Or any other aspect of the experience. Just how good value it is. Every. Single. Time.

But the worst part is that he continually says “I’ll pay!!!” Like this is somehow a massive favour to me! He must have said it eight times already: “I’ll pay!!!” I feel like screaming.

1. I don’t want the dinner. This is what you want, not what I want.
2. I’ve said “oh lovely thanks” enough times now. Stop repeating it over and over like this is some HUGE act of generosity on your part. And I should hurl myself onto the ground and flagellate myself in an act of extreme gratitude!
3. I don’t give a shit who pays. It’s not expensive. Both of us can afford it. It’s not a massive deal when someone pays for lunch or a cheap meal or a round of drinks. It’s just WHAT NORMAL PEOPLE DO!!! For the love of God, will you stop repeating it over and over again!

Then he rings me again yesterday (during work. Always has to ring me during work!) to say he doesn’t want to meet in the restaurant actually and we should go for a drink first. I don’t want to drink. It’s a school night. It’s him that wants to drink. (He is a fairly heavy drinker). So now I have to meet him an hour and a half before the gig starts to accommodate his wanting a drink and food, neither of which I want at all. But of course I just agree as it’s easier and I know he is getting excited and I don’t want to be a bitch (he goes out all the time btw. This isn’t someone who doesn’t have many friends or doesn’t go out much).

So we agree a time and a pub. And then comes the words….”I’ll pay!!!”

Aaaaaargh!!!

NB this is a lighthearted post. He drives me and my brother mad and I need an outlet to vent my frustrations so please keep responses lighthearted. Nothing about “I’ve lost my DF and would love to take him out you selfish cow…” I get it.

Oh JadeTrinket don’t even get me started on the parking. Parking obsessed. Needs to continually go outside “to check on the car” if he comes to my house. Or anywhere in fact. And routes. Will always ask “which way did you come?” And then interrupt you as you reply to tell you about HIS route and the traffic lights and certain right hand turns he likes to avoid….

What would happen if you said no?
No thanks dad, I don't want to go for drinks/dinner. I don't have time. Let's just do the concert as planned.

My Dad is exactly like this. So funny about money.

When he visits we’ve gone out a few times with DC, generally one of us happens to buy ice creams / coffees etc. When I do it I don’t mention it because why would I? Why would anyone? When my Dad decides he’s paying it becomes “so I’m going to get you all an ice cream! … Have you all decided what flavour ice cream I’m getting you? .. Grandad is about to go and get your ice cream now. Look at the ice cream I got you!!! No, no, no I want to pay. I’ve just paid for the ice creams”
It’s really really weird.

I know it's annoying when people try and change plans or add to plans, but I can also see another side to it, in that you got him these tickets, and he wants to make a night of it - whereas it seems now you don't even want to go, and want to spend as little time as physically possible at the event. It's not a great gift for him if he feels like he's burdening you when you clearly don't want to go.

FWIW my dad can be a pain in the arse as well in a very similar way so I'm being totally hypocritical even typing this, but just think about how he might feel about the situation. You see it as a huge inconvenience, he sees it as a night out with his daughter, which is supposed to be a lovely, enjoyable gift.

@crackofdoom

I know it’s a Mumsnet cliche, but everything about your description of him screams autism.

It really doesn't more stingy control freak who's petrified that OP will suddenly arrange something expensive and give him the bill. enjoy the gig @BustyLaRoux and play bingo

The comments about the ice cream seem to be about treating people. I suspect that it goes back to childhood when Dad buying ice creams for everyone would've been a huge treat.

LindaEllen I totally get what you’re saying. This is why I’ve agreed to do the things he’s imposing on me. I know he’s excited and wants to make a night of it. He doesn’t consider that I’m trying to cut down my alcohol intake, or that I have to be up early the next day. He only thinks about how much he would like a drink and how he doesn’t have to get up early the next day. I’ve realised over the years that he isn’t capable of putting himself in someone else’s shoes. It would never occur to him to wonder whether what he wants and what the other person might want are the same. He just doesn’t think that way. So I agree to it because I know it will make him happy. Do I have to like it? No. Can I find somewhere to vent? Hopefully. Will I give any clue as to what I’m really thinking? No. Actually he has no ability to read other people so he will have zero clue that this is burdening me. He cannot conceive of other people’s burdens so unless I spelled it out to him very clearly, he wouldn’t have any idea. And I could do that. But it would upset him. And despite me moaning about him, I have no wish to upset him.

Well, it’s entirely possible to be neurodiverse AND an arse 😆

The way I see it is this. I’m autistic, and I recognise myself a lot in the fussing about arrangements. (I mean why wouldn’t you fuss? You want everything to go smoothly, right? Everything has got to be laid out in proper order, with proper contingency plans, because if it all goes tits up that means making last minute decisions on the hoof, and that is inefficient, wrong and plain hurty to people who take time to process any new information).

However, men- and particularly men of his generation- have been brought up to believe that the world revolves around them, so especially without a diagnosis to give them an inkling of self awareness they have no motivation to do the hard work of examining their behaviour and adapting to the rest of the world. Whereas ND women have often spent years painstakingly learning social rules by rote and swallowing their own discomfort.

What I would recommend in your dad’s case though, OP, is to be straightforward and more blunt. “No, I don’t want to go for dinner beforehand “. “Yes, you have already said that, and I have taken it on board”. “It is acceptable for two people to be having a conversation that doesn’t concern you at a family gathering, and butting between them is very rude” (your SiL did the right thing in this case, and his huffing is to be ignored). He just won’t register you doing stuff just to be polite.

thewhatsit yea he will do this for several years to come. Because not content with announcing he will pay for something in advance of paying for it, he will then continue to mention it every time the gig subject comes up. Example:
DB: did you have a good time at the gig dad?
DF: yeah it was great. We went for a meal first (pause) I paid!
Me: (silent screams!)

It’s my opinion that “hurting” him is the only way he’s going to learn. Or maybe not. Currently not on speaking terms with my own dad, but I couldn’t stand swallowing my own feelings and not being honest any more, so….🤷‍♀️

@BustyLaRoux

Oh JadeTrinket don’t even get me started on the parking. Parking obsessed. Needs to continually go outside “to check on the car” if he comes to my house. Or anywhere in fact. And routes. Will always ask “which way did you come?” And then interrupt you as you reply to tell you about HIS route and the traffic lights and certain right hand turns he likes to avoid….

Maybe we should exchange their phone numbers. It could be an undying friendship based on parking.

This thread is very cathartic. I love my father, but God, he can be difficult to be around. Plus my mother thinks all men are like him -- married young, no comparisons - and visibly thinks my DH is 'not like a man at all' if he has no opinion on parking, or doesn't monologue about routes or shows up right at the door of somewhere to pick someone up.

Pumpkinsonparade oh yes the bowels. We get this also. Complete with detailed descriptions. I do draw the line at this and say “oh good please no. I do not want to hear about this!!” It doesn’t stop him. (Not envy!!!)

*God! (Not good. Definitely not good!!!)

Sorry, just using this thread for a parent rant too!

My latte mother’s obsession was other people not sweeping up their leaves and her rubbish/recycling bins. This time of year always reminds me of it. She used to go out every morning to do hers - fair enough, her garden etc but she would then stand at her window muttering about others front gardens and why they weren’t being cleared. She even put chicken wire along the bottom of her front gate to stop ‘other peoples’ leaves getting onto her property.

Then we had bin gate! She rang me, absolutely outraged that after she put her bins out in the road for collection the following morning, someone had been putting extra rubbish in her bin. We’re not even talking about a sackful, this was just fish and chip wrappers or crisps packets. I suspect it may well have been someone picking up street litter and popping it into the nearest receptacle! I don’t think she’d even considered the fact that it all ends up in the same lorry anyway.

I recognise a certain neediness here that I see in my own dp. He endlessly needs positive reinforcement, saying things like "I hope you liked dinner, I think it was really tasty" (when he's cooked), or "I'm really glad I got all the Hoovering done today". So that I say things like "yes it was very nice", "yes that's great" etc. Sometimes I have to say those things so many times!

@crackofdoom

I know it’s a Mumsnet cliche, but everything about your description of him screams autism.

No no no. This is her father. So

1. He must be elderly (because its mumsnet and everyone over 30 is classed as elderly)
2. Because he's elderly it must be dementia.

Mil's opening greeting was if she had been or not..

I mean WHO GIVES A FUCK?
She had Chrones but does the entire cafe need to know??
The bloody bonus of divorce was never having to see her!

crackofdoom I hear ya. He is so thick skinned that I would have to be extremely blunt and I don’t want to hurt his feelings. I can do small doses and it’s nice to know I’ve made him happy. Even though it might be with gritted teeth. He would find behaviour change very difficult and at age 73 I am not sure he has either the appetite or the capacity to change. It is what it is. I’ll suck it up. But that doesn’t stop me from having a lighthearted rant when I need one.

What age is he?
DM is obsessed with knowing where her next meal is coming from - in her case it stems from her experiencing poverty and rationing until she was 9 and it's shaped her entire life really.

If we plan a trip it's not good enough to say that we'll wing it and find somewhere along the way, she needs to know where exactly we will stop, what time we will stop and what's likely to be on the menu, otherwise she gets stressed. It's just her thing and so I always factor it in when we are going somewhere.

But the other thing she does is offer to pay for stuff for me. Then will go on endlessly about it. One time she wanted me to go abroad with her and some others. I wasn't all that keen but she insisted, and insisted that she pay. Except she mentioned she paid for me several times a day every day of the trip. She couldn't give her order to the waiter without telling him that she paid for me to come on the trip. And each time I would thank her nicely for her generosity but ultimately it sucked all the good out of it and made me feel utterly miserable to be reminded daily that she paid for me. I'm not sure why she kept mentioning it.
I've never travelled with her since because of that. And never will unless it's somewhere I want to go and pay for entirely myself.

I used to know someone like this. If I had the energy I'd really exaggerate everything they said

Him - It's cheap here
Me - oh it is is t it, it's so cheap, or should that be cost effective, cheap makes it sound as though it would be nasty, but use the words cost effective makes it sound good quality for a good price. Maybe we should call it good price, or would cost effective be a better way to describe this cheap restaurant - and on and on and on

Or you could just respond with

Him - I'll pay
You - I'll buy the concert tickets

@BustyLaRoux

thewhatsit yea he will do this for several years to come. Because not content with announcing he will pay for something in advance of paying for it, he will then continue to mention it every time the gig subject comes up. Example: DB: did you have a good time at the gig dad? DF: yeah it was great. We went for a meal first (pause) I paid! Me: (silent screams!)

"And I paid for the concert tickets. We had a lot of fun."

Your story made me smile. He sounds like a sweetheart. I actually think your lucky in a lot of ways but I guess I don’t have the history with him.

Oh god this brings me back. My father passed away two years ago, I recognise so much of this.

We used to meet once a week for a coffee and bite in the town we both lived in. No matter where we met the main focal point would be the price. "how much did that scone cost you? What do you mean you don't know? Oh you haven't paid yet? Well surely you checked the price before you ordered it and the coffee." If I made the mistake of mentioning I was going out to dinner for a night out "not that place, the prices are ridiculous. There's another spot up the road, the food is not up to much but you'll get a plate of pasta for X amount".

He asked me every week for the five years I lived there why didn't I carry a golf umbrella to ward off the rain. I responded every single time that I didn't want to carry an extra heavy item as I walk everywhere during the day and my hood was better if it rains as it's also windy. He would then deliver the same rant about the idiots crossing the bridge in the pouring rain with their flimsy umbrellas blowing in the wind, mimicking their faces upturned to the rain holding back their hair.

I was in university there and he was convinced the students who had parents on the staff got free parking. He asked me everytime I saw him if I had found out.

He just couldn't move things on from his mind, he would keep going over and over it.

Things like this need a huge glass of prepoured wine sitting at home, to remind me I can’t go to a police station tonight

I feel for you Op. We are having a somewhat similar situation with a vegan cousin (Not slating vegans as I was one for 4 years). Every time he comes to my house with my aunt I have a perfectly nice chat to her about all sorts, usually her health and hobbies or sometimes she asks about my son, all good. My cousin interrupts every.single.time to talk about veganism even if it isn't in context, for example:

Me: How are you getting on with the new meds for.your thyroid?
Aunt: oh it's ok thanks, a few dizzy spells but it has settled and my gp is happy with my latest bloods.
Me: Glad to hear it, are you able to go out ag...
Cousin: I saw a loaf of Warburtons in your kitchen, is that vegan?
Me: I don't know? I have some rolls here that I baked myself if you'd like some bread that is vegan friendly though?
Aunt: No don't bother, we will pick up fish and chips on our way home.
Cousin: Yeah I spoke to the staff in the chippy and they didn't know if the vinegar and ketchup sachets were vegan so we bought some from Tesco
Me: