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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

6 year old saying she loves Granny as much as me

82 replies

Cantfindthatgrip · 14/11/2021 09:53

Hello! Just as the title says really. My 6 year old says I love you and granny the same. I find this so upsetting. My mum was an awful, emotionally neglectful parent and is no better towards me now. She is just totally disinterested in my life, always has been. She treated my brother totally differently. She is good with my children but constantly mentions my brothers children (who she sees daily) and my DD does comment on this. We live far away from each other and she visits every couple or months. This is too much for me but she is so demanding, forceful and overrides anything I say. For example, she wanted to visit, I had had COVID, was still unwell and asked if we could postpone her visit. She refused and I felt totally powerless to stop her coming. She came and it was horrible as usual. I feel like I should allow her contact with my child because she loves my DD and my DD has fun when she visits (showered with gifts, fun days out). I feel guilty and selfish for the way I feel but it absolutely broke my heart when she said I love Granny the same as you. All the feelings of rejection came back, of never being good enough. I can't shake this feeling. I've tried my absolute best with my DD to give her all the love, stability, security that I didn't have. We have a wonderful relationship and I love the absolute bones of her. How to I get over this hurt? I wish I could go NC with my mother but it would break my grandparents hearts. My partner is completely supportive of me and despises my mother for the way she has behaved (which has had a long term impact on me) and her complete disregard for anyone but herself. I would say she is a narcissist but I know I am not placed to diagnose this! Why would mu 6 year old say this? Where have I gone wrong? Thanks!

OP posts:
insancerre · 14/11/2021 09:56

You haven’t gone wrong
You’ve raised a child who is loving and sees the best in people- you’ve done a good job

Guavaf1sh · 14/11/2021 09:56

I don’t worry. At that age children also say they love granny MORE than you or they say they hate you so it could be worse

Cocovivid · 14/11/2021 09:57

She's 6. She doesn't understand whats gone on in your past.

Just smile and say 'that's lovely'

Don't take it to heart.

Peanutmnm · 14/11/2021 09:58

YABU because there is no way your child loves granny same as you. But YANBU to be distressed by all this considering the history.

I promise she loves you way way WAY more. She is just too young to know what real love and attachment is. I'd say she only says it because she wants granny to love HER as much as DBs kids. And doesn't have the tools to express that need beyond showing more love to granny. But if that's the case, it's not healthy. I'd indulge her and smile when she says it but carefully go low contact.

Upamountain43 · 14/11/2021 10:02

Don't worry about it - our 6 year old says she loves the cat the most and then her ipad and her Mum third.

I would rarely use the word 'triggered but I think it does apply here - your daughter in just being a loving caring 6 year old child has unintentionally said something that has raised up all your insecurities.

It's not true - if she hurt herself it would be you she ran to.

TheKeatingFive · 14/11/2021 10:04

Kids do this kind of thing. You need to grow a thicker skin.

My little brother told my mum that he loved our aunty more and wanted her to be his mum 😂

MouseRoar · 14/11/2021 10:05

You haven't gone wrong with your daughter. A six year old's interpretation is very different to an adult and it's just her describing how she feels at a particular moment in time My six year old could love the cat as much as me on any given day. It doesn't mean anything.

I do think you sound powerless in relation to your mum though, and worry more about your grandparents feelings than your own. This is where I would encourage you to focus your attention. Your grandparents didn't protect you as a child. You are now in a position to protect yourself.

Start thinking about how you can do that.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 14/11/2021 10:06

My 8 year old has been weighing up the pros and cons of me and dh dying in a zombie attack. It appears that he is pretty sure his sister can cook him some dinner so the extra screen time won!

PinkSkirt · 14/11/2021 10:07

I’d consider with the way she treats you and makes you feel if continuing a relationship is worth it,p. Go LC, you can say no to coming and mean it. Your DD will pick up on the negativity as she gets older and that won’t be outweighed by the spoiling. Life is to short, get rid of people who bring you down, even if that is your parents.

PotteringAlong · 14/11/2021 10:07

Do you remember the daddy or chips advert?

This is that scenario. YABU for taking a 6 year old literally Flowers

brambleon · 14/11/2021 10:08

You haven’t gone wrong at all. It’s completely normal for a child to say this and she doesn’t know about your past.

Travis1 · 14/11/2021 10:10

Take care granny hasn’t coached her into saying this. I have seen it happen in my family I’d really be limiting the time they spend alone and the contact I had with her. Just because she’s your mother doesn’t mean you need to put up with this shit

Pokemonpoolparty · 14/11/2021 10:11

You need to separate your own feelings from all of this.

My 6YO loves his Nintendo Switch more than his dad, his brother and me. I'm sure my 8YO thinks I am just some robot who comes to life when he wakes off, makes breakfast and gets him out the door and then shuts back down again in the six hours he's at school.

Your DD is still at an age where they are blinded by fun and gifts. She loves granny cos granny let's her eat sweets constantly and showers her with gifts. She'll start seeing through granny's bullshit quick enough as she gets older. Especially if there are other (male) grandchildren for her to favour above her.

Drywhitefruitycidergin · 14/11/2021 10:11

My 7 year old loves grandad the most.
My 10 year old loves daddy (exh) the most.

Boring old me, mummy who has the rules about screentime/treats etc herds them out of the door for school, makes them bath & do homework etc is very low down the list because kids are not deep thinkers and are focused on instant gratification.

I'm sure ultimately you're the stable constant. Don't worry about it.

Bonbon21 · 14/11/2021 10:16

Remember that your mother is on her best behaviour when she is with your daughter.. A 6 year old sees a fun generous grandmother who has lots of time to play etc. All positive in her eyes... but shortlived and intermittent in reality.
You are with her every day.. her security and normality.
Kids say stuff they feel in the moment. They do not have a history of experience to reflect on.
Let it go.
But next time your mother says she is visiting and you say no.. lock the door.. be out.. be away from home.
She is a bully...

Sally872 · 14/11/2021 10:16

Your child loves you much more than your mum no matter what she says.

Maybe she said it because she finds gran more exciting as day trips/gifts like a Disney dad where as more day to day normality with you (I am sure you go places and give presents too but not everytimr you see dd)

Maybe she is trying to push your buttons. My dd can say stuff to frustrate me sometimes.

Maybe she notices you and your mum don't get on and worries you don't love gran.

Whatever the reason doesn't matter it isn't true. Try not to let it upset you.

pasturesgreen · 14/11/2021 10:17

I used to tell my Granny (maternal grandmother) I loved her and my Nana (paternal grandmother) the same. In reality I didn't really know what it meant, I was just petrified of giving the 'wrong' answer, and in my 5 year old mind I thought that was the perfect reply to keep everyone happy. My Granny was a pushy person who always tried to trick me into saying I loved her more.

That said, I'd seriously consider going grey rock with your mother. The whole dynamic sounds very unhealthy.

Lulu1919 · 14/11/2021 10:20

Mine loved their teacher more than me at 6 😂

RJnomore1 · 14/11/2021 10:21

This is a good thing, a sign you’ve managed to facilitate a nice relationship between your child and your mother. She doesn’t see the things you do, you’ve protected her from all of that.

It’s coming at a hell of a personal price for you though. You need to be able to set boundaries that protect you as well and stop letting everyone else’s feelings mean you are actually hurting yourself (been there will post you the t shirt)

Leftphalange · 14/11/2021 10:23

I once said to my child 'I love you' and she said 'well I love teddy'

They say all sorts of nonsense, that they don't understand.

Yummymummy2020 · 14/11/2021 10:24

I completely understand what you are feeling and am in a similar position with my mum. My kids are younger so this will likely happen here too, but as an outsider I can tell you I agree with others, you are def the favourite not your mum! Kids say these things but in reality you are the secure loving person that is there day in day out! You are doing a great job!

MatildaTheCat · 14/11/2021 10:26

When I was this age we made Mother’s Day gifts at school and I gave mine to my friend’s mum!

Just move along when she says anything like this and certainly don’t draw attention to it. She is expressing herself as a six year old and whilst it brings up painful feelings for you it’s (gently) for you to deal with.

And start with more boundaries. Your mother doesn’t get to tell you when she’s visiting, she’s your guest. You issue a short invitation and she either accepts or not. If she proposes herself and it’s too soon, too long or inconvenient you say so.

FortunesFave · 14/11/2021 10:27

I only hope you didn't ask her....did she just tell you this?

FortunesFave · 14/11/2021 10:28

@MatildaTheCat

When I was this age we made Mother’s Day gifts at school and I gave mine to my friend’s mum!

Just move along when she says anything like this and certainly don’t draw attention to it. She is expressing herself as a six year old and whilst it brings up painful feelings for you it’s (gently) for you to deal with.

And start with more boundaries. Your mother doesn’t get to tell you when she’s visiting, she’s your guest. You issue a short invitation and she either accepts or not. If she proposes herself and it’s too soon, too long or inconvenient you say so.

Ooh I remember my older DD made two wooden Christmas ornaments in school aged about 6 and she gave one to DH and one to her little sister! She'd written their names on them and everything!

I knew she must have been so secure in my love that she didn't even consider me...but I still thought "WHAAAT?" Grin I hang them up on the tree still...and that was 11 years ago lol.

ThirdElephant · 14/11/2021 10:33

If your mum was emotionally abusive, go low contact. A narcissistic grandparent will actively try to get their grandchildren to prefer them over their actual parents- I don't know if yours is a narcissist, but mine is and that's why I went low contact, though my DC were much younger at the time.

If I were you'd I take a step back. Don't make a big thing of it, just decide how often you can tolerate seeing her and go for that. Say no at all other times- give a reason you're busy.