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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

6 year old saying she loves Granny as much as me

82 replies

Cantfindthatgrip · 14/11/2021 09:53

Hello! Just as the title says really. My 6 year old says I love you and granny the same. I find this so upsetting. My mum was an awful, emotionally neglectful parent and is no better towards me now. She is just totally disinterested in my life, always has been. She treated my brother totally differently. She is good with my children but constantly mentions my brothers children (who she sees daily) and my DD does comment on this. We live far away from each other and she visits every couple or months. This is too much for me but she is so demanding, forceful and overrides anything I say. For example, she wanted to visit, I had had COVID, was still unwell and asked if we could postpone her visit. She refused and I felt totally powerless to stop her coming. She came and it was horrible as usual. I feel like I should allow her contact with my child because she loves my DD and my DD has fun when she visits (showered with gifts, fun days out). I feel guilty and selfish for the way I feel but it absolutely broke my heart when she said I love Granny the same as you. All the feelings of rejection came back, of never being good enough. I can't shake this feeling. I've tried my absolute best with my DD to give her all the love, stability, security that I didn't have. We have a wonderful relationship and I love the absolute bones of her. How to I get over this hurt? I wish I could go NC with my mother but it would break my grandparents hearts. My partner is completely supportive of me and despises my mother for the way she has behaved (which has had a long term impact on me) and her complete disregard for anyone but herself. I would say she is a narcissist but I know I am not placed to diagnose this! Why would mu 6 year old say this? Where have I gone wrong? Thanks!

OP posts:

ancientgran · 14/11/2021 10:34

@Mumoftwoinprimary

My 8 year old has been weighing up the pros and cons of me and dh dying in a zombie attack. It appears that he is pretty sure his sister can cook him some dinner so the extra screen time won!

They are lovely aren't they. My 4 year old GD told me she thinks I'm nice but she only comes for the chocolate.

Mrsweasleysclock · 14/11/2021 10:34

My DD thinks the same of me and my MIL. I think it's lovely that she feels so much love towards her. She knows who her mum is but the fact that she knows she is so loved is just really nice.

Babdoc · 14/11/2021 10:36

OP, I definitely recommend you get some counselling. Your DD’s remarks are far less significant than the fact that you lack boundaries with your toxic mother and are letting her walk all over you.
You need assertiveness training, you need to be able to say No and enforce it, and I think you very probably need to go no contact with your mother, before she tries to poison your DD’s mind, get her onside and weaponise her against you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/11/2021 10:36

Oh bless you. I get it. I totally do. Have you had any therapy? It will help enormously. I can recommend heartspeak if you have the means. They can help you with boundaries and the pain you feel. But honestly, you’ve done nothing wrong. If anything, you’ve done so much right.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/11/2021 10:38

My 4 year old told me she loved her dad more than she loved me because she likes his hair colour better. We laughed.

Saying that though your mum, to put it bluntly, sounds like a bitch that has had a massive negative impact on your life. So it's no surprise that this has stirred up very upsetting feelings for you. From an outsiders perspective I'm surprised you want to give her access to tour daughter and it's really not healthy for your daughter to see her walking all over you. It's not teaching her the right messages about respect or boundaries etc....she refused to not come over when you had covid? Wtf? Its your house and you should be able to decide who comes over. I suspect your daughter does not love her anywhere near as much as you, she is just excited about all the treats and doesn't want it to end or be treated badly because she suspects it could end as she has seen how your mum treats you

Have you had therapy to try and unpick any of this?

RuleWithAWoodenFoot · 14/11/2021 10:41

@insancerre

You haven’t gone wrong You’ve raised a child who is loving and sees the best in people- you’ve done a good job

Yes, I agree with this person. Sorry, it's shit that she was horrible to you.

wewereliars · 14/11/2021 10:49

You are over thinking this OP, your little girl is tiny and this is completely normal. Don't make an issue of it.

CokeZeroAddiction · 14/11/2021 10:51

Children don’t see what you see. Children are pure and just love without bias. It’s why children who are abused and neglected by their parents still want to be with them, defend them and love them with their whole heart.

It isn’t a reflection on you in any way but a positive that you’ve raised a child who can love unashamedly.

icedcoffees · 14/11/2021 10:54

At that age, I'm pretty sure I said I loved my childminder more than my parents!

Don't take it to heart - it's normal and they don't don't mean to hurt you.

offyougotwantychops · 14/11/2021 10:55

Different types of love op. The love I have for my dc is different from the love I have for my dh, and different again from the love I had for my parents, which differs again for the love I have for my friends. I love them all, but in different ways.
Your daughters love for you is in no way diminished because she loves your mother. You daughters ability to love, and feels secure in her love is fabulous. You are raising a wonderful child, take pride in that.
I'm sorry your relationship with you mum is difficult, that sucks. But don't let it become between your own relationship with your dd.
The world would be a much happier place if we could all love each other a little more right off to weave another peace rainbow 🌈😂

WorraLiberty · 14/11/2021 10:57

At that age, I think I probably felt I loved my cats and my teddy bears as much as my parents.

Kids don't tend to 'grade' their love, they just feel it.

TableFlowerss · 14/11/2021 11:01

She 6. She doesn’t have a concept of love beyond who is most exciting…..

nathanandfanny · 14/11/2021 11:04

One of my girls used to agonise about whether she’d save me or her soft toy cat first in a fire
You haven’t gone wrong. Fortunately (for her) she is too young to see the pain your mother caused you.

EverNapping · 14/11/2021 11:08

Growing up my favourite aunt/uncle was the one I barely ever saw because he was a total flake.

He was just the most exciting one because I rarely ever saw him.

Now I think he's a BEEP.

Helpstopthepain · 14/11/2021 11:10

My ds loved his teacher more than anyone when he was 6.

Her saying this highlights what a good mum you are, you’ve obviously protected her from how your mum is and although it’s a blow to you it means that you have given your best shot to help their relationship.

If she’s anything like my mother it won’t last!

WhatIsThisPlease · 14/11/2021 11:11

My DD once told me, at about the same age, that she loved me 'a little bit more than ham'.

I wouldn't worry about it. Their concept of love is very basic at that age. You'll always be the one she turns to first when she needs comfort or support

Tumbleweed101 · 14/11/2021 11:13

Your child doesn't know your history and so loves her grandparent for what she knows about her right now. In years to come she will learn. Children say things like that all the time without really understanding that it can cause hurt.

I had similar when my children's dad left us. I was there one there and doing all the hard work but they saw the fun and exciting things dad offered when he saw them. And then they reached an age where they understood and have gradually reduced their contact with him as they have become adults whereas my bond is stronger than ever with them.

Doomscrolling · 14/11/2021 11:14

You're conflating your experience with your emotionally neglectful mother with your daughter's experience of an indulgent grandmother.

Don't overthink it. Your daughter has enough love in her heasrt for everyone.

And my 6yo preferred the cat.

LookMoreCloselier · 14/11/2021 11:15

Children of this age do speak a lot of shit, they can have the best day ever at the supermarket, it's clearly not their best ever day, they just say silly things. She loves you more and it's time to stand up to your mum, she's an equal to you now, don't feel powerless.

NewtoHolland · 14/11/2021 11:16

YABU for putting all that weight on your 6 year old to carry.
I'm really sorry to hear you had such a painful time growing up, it must have been awful for you and I can understand that that pain has left it's mark on you. However it isn't your child's responsibility to heal you or make you feel better. Making her carry that and becoming a victim of absolutely harmless comments that any child could make isn't fair on her and will damage your relationship if that pressure continues.
Have you thought about some therapy or self compassion work to help your own healing and help you move on from all you've been through? There are lots of self compassion workbooks around and these may be worth a look, the kindness and validation you are looking for in others you can give to yourself.
Best wishes with it all, you sound like a lovely mum, just have to get go of some of these past experiences that are so heavy on you so you can move forwards xx

godmum56 · 14/11/2021 11:16

Well I wouldn't worry too much but at the same timeI think you have to get help to take control of the relationship between you and your mother because to me there are red flags here. "weaponise your child" is a good and descriptive phrase!

CoffeeRunner · 14/11/2021 11:17

I think I come about 4th or 5th to my 10 year old.

She loves her big brother the most, then her cat, then the other family cat.... I come somewhere after that.

I understand why this hurts for you (I'm sure you wouldn't take it so personally if she was putting a pet or a best friend over you for example), but she is 6. You are her life. She doesn't mean it.

JustAnother30Something · 14/11/2021 11:20

Curious as to the context OP?

What prompted her to say it?

Musmerian · 14/11/2021 11:21

The issue here is not your daughter who is fine. It’s your feelings about your mother and your sense of powerlessness. Take control- it sounds like your partner is supportive. Make boundaries and stick to them- you are an adult now. Counselling might help to help you put these in place.

FictionalCharacter · 14/11/2021 11:22

She’s only 6, they say all sorts of odd things at that age. But with your mum being as awful as she is, I wonder if she’s told your dd to say that or put the idea into her head.

Sounds like you need to reduce contact with your mother and put a stop to the way she bullies you. She’s still managing to damage you.

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