6 year old saying she loves Granny as much as me

[Cantfindthatgrip]

Hello! Just as the title says really. My 6 year old says I love you and granny the same. I find this so upsetting. My mum was an awful, emotionally neglectful parent and is no better towards me now. She is just totally disinterested in my life, always has been. She treated my brother totally differently. She is good with my children but constantly mentions my brothers children (who she sees daily) and my DD does comment on this. We live far away from each other and she visits every couple or months. This is too much for me but she is so demanding, forceful and overrides anything I say. For example, she wanted to visit, I had had COVID, was still unwell and asked if we could postpone her visit. She refused and I felt totally powerless to stop her coming. She came and it was horrible as usual. I feel like I should allow her contact with my child because she loves my DD and my DD has fun when she visits (showered with gifts, fun days out). I feel guilty and selfish for the way I feel but it absolutely broke my heart when she said I love Granny the same as you. All the feelings of rejection came back, of never being good enough. I can't shake this feeling. I've tried my absolute best with my DD to give her all the love, stability, security that I didn't have. We have a wonderful relationship and I love the absolute bones of her. How to I get over this hurt? I wish I could go NC with my mother but it would break my grandparents hearts. My partner is completely supportive of me and despises my mother for the way she has behaved (which has had a long term impact on me) and her complete disregard for anyone but herself. I would say she is a narcissist but I know I am not placed to diagnose this! Why would mu 6 year old say this? Where have I gone wrong? Thanks!

What would you rather? That your mum and daughter don’t get along and that your daughter doesn’t like her grandmother? Or that your daughter is happy and loves all her family deeply?

I don’t like my mother (do love her though) or my MIL but I am very pleased that both my children adore their grandparents and are adored in return. I am grateful that they don’t have the complicated feelings that I have towards my family and I pray that continues into adulthood.

How did it come up? What was the surrounding conversation?

Ouch. That was a stinger! But she will love you most, no doubt at all.

At what age does it become acceptable to say 'granny wasn't very kind to mummy when mummy was little, and can still be a bit unkind now. So we will not be seeing as much of her going forwards because we don't want her to be unkind to you at some point' (Or is this not the way to go at all?)

I hope you are able to self preserve, OP.

I think that you need to take a more realistic view of children and their grandparents, and not base it on your own views of your Mother.

I think this is just kids TBH as above PP have said."Out of the mouths of babes" as they say .She probably loves her DGM as she is made a big fuss of and spoilt. She loves you ,but just enjoys seeing Granny! Maybe you could arrange some counselling as to how to manage your DMs behaviour going forwards .There was a lady who had felt scared of her DM for 55 years ,and is now 60! Dont let that be you. She needs to accept some boundaries now .If you are ill ,then she cant come round till you are better .simple as that.

Thanks so much everyone for all the kind and considered replies, lots of good advice too. To answer re the context, my DD was playing with a toy that Granny had sent in the post and she sighed and said I love granny sooo much. I love her just the same as you. I just replied, that's lovely and I know granny loves you very much. I have never and would never push my own feelings on my DD. I really think I need therapy with this as I can't go on like this, it's just too painful. I would give anything to go NC with mother but my children have a relationship with her and I have a very close and supportive (and normal) extended family that I would be clueless how to manage if I was nc with mother. Thanks again for all the words of wisdom!

I is hurtful and I understand your feelings, but i would take it as your DD not actually making a comparison, just in the moment of getting a toy saying thats he really loves granny (because she got her a toy). Also kid talk total nonsense a lot of the time - with no concept that what they say may be hrtful - they just aren't that nuanced to make distinctions, love is love. You love your Mum your Dad your Barbie, next doors dog, Granny and batman.
I remember saying to my Dad about that age 'I don't love you as much as I love Uncle Tom, he's my real dad' I adored my Dad, absolutely adored him, I was very fond of my Uncle Tom but he wasn't in the same league! I was just spouting rubbish.

My only cautionary note would be, as your Mum treated you badly and still favours your DB's kids, just watch out for her playing with your DD's affections or saying anything negative about her or hurting her. Abusive people can play all sorts of games as I'm sure you know.