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My kid has told another kid Santa isn't real...
235

Santaslittleproblem · 13/11/2021 21:22

Our kids are 9 and at school they have had a discussion amongst a few of them about whether Santa is real.

I've had a very shirty message from a parent, which appears to single out my child having spilled the beans and subsequently spoilt the 'magic of Christmas' for their child, who has also told their younger siblings who've been crying over it. The parents have had to spend a lot of time reassuring the kids that Santa IS in fact real, and have requested that I ask my child not to discuss it further in school.

My child found out about Santa from their older sibling, and wasn't too bothered by it. I've said before that they should not talk about it with their friends, and when I asked them about this conversation, my child was absolutely gutted to have caused upset to others.

How should I respond, if at all? I don't want to fall out with them, but I'm stunned they've approached me with this, tbh.

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

ThisAintNoPartyThisAintNoDisco · 14/11/2021 07:17

But HER child has done exactly the same thing and told their siblings. If she has no omnipotent control over conversations in her own home how does she expect others to police conversations at school ?

She must have known this day would come surely and had an idea how she would play it from there. Sending out shirty texts makes her look bonkers.

She has many so other awkward milestone conversations ahead of her to navigate about all kinds of subjects, that’s part of being a parent and she needs to pace herself 😂

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Mummyoflittledragon · 14/11/2021 07:25

@RBKB

Haha...my kid worked out, then told her best mate, santa wasn't real when she was 5. Unfortunately said best mate's mum was a childminder and the news got around like wildfire. I am afraid that switched on kids work it out quite young. Kids not knowing by 9 is a bit weird if you ask me....and it's a bit weird to be so offended that someone tells them!! Not your fault OP.

Not weird. We live in a village and village mentality is very different from towns and cities / countries I lived in. I wonder if this has a bearing as a lot of dd’s friends believed at 9.
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forinborin · 14/11/2021 07:29

There's a big difference between saying FC isnt real, and disrespecting rhe foundations of some people's religion. Your DS crossed the line amd i hope you explained that to him.
I don't think saying that god(s) don't exist is disrespecting anyone's religion. It is just expressing an individual atheistic / agnostic opinion and is as valid as another child saying that they do exist. And I'd like to see it respected to the same extent.

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Oblomov21 · 14/11/2021 07:46

Her child told their younger siblings?

Maybe she should be addressing that then.

Whilst your child initially spoke, your child is not responsible for the fact that older child consciously chose to then tell younger siblings.

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lljkk · 14/11/2021 07:57

I never taught DC about FC.
They learned about FC at school & chose to believe.
Wouldn't believe me when I tried to tell them different
Didn't matter what my DC told other kids -- all the kids chose to believe.
So these threads amuse me because I can't understand how any trauma & big reveal events happen at all, given how strong our local believe is in FC.

Are my kids just not very influential? Or does Santa-fever run too deep here to be discouraged by a mere few skeptics.

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Pottedpalm · 14/11/2021 07:57

@Mummyoflittledragon
‘Village mentality’!! It’s not the middle ages! Do you inly leave the village once a day? That is one of the most ridiculous things I have read on here.
Oh, and I have lived in various villages for 40 years.

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Harlequin1088 · 14/11/2021 08:00

Unfortunately there's always going to be a kid that spills the beans and in this situation your kid happened to be that kid.

I'm guessing the parents of this other child are more upset that their kid has then gone on to tell their younger siblings about it (which to be fair, your child had no control over) which has resulted in a house full of crying, inconsolable children, hence the rather shirty message from the other parent.

I'd just pop a message back saying you've spoken to your kid and they're very upset at having upset their kid and they've been told to rein in the Santa talk moving forward. Sadly it's done now so there's not a lot you or anyone else can do.

The only thing you could perhaps do is turn this experience into a life lesson for your child about thinking of others' feelings before they speak, etc. Use this negative experience as a positive learning tool and all that.

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WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 14/11/2021 08:01

As long as it wasn’t said in anger or to deliberately upset others it’s a non issue. I would reiterate how people have the right to believe what they like (god, Santa, crystals etc) and tolerance for others beliefs is important in a mixed society. I would send a brief apology text saying it wasn’t malicious and you have spoken about it. They are crazy to have messaged you but if you want to remain friends it’s easier just to gloss over it.

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DrSbaitso · 14/11/2021 08:03

Or does Santa-fever run too deep here to be discouraged by a mere few skeptics.

As with adults, if they really want to believe something, they will. I had a friend at school who woke up and saw her father filling the stockings, but still believed after that. Another whose parents somehow forgot to do it at all but still believed after the cockup.

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LindaEllen · 14/11/2021 08:05

I remember finding out when I was very young, and I told my friend. I felt like such a grown up, knowing this huge secret that other children didn't know. I bet the girl's parents thought I was such a little bitch.

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itsgettingwierd · 14/11/2021 08:07

"9yo will discuss the reality of Santa as they start to realise it doesn't add up. I'm sorry your child is upset by a conversation they had with their peers and I'm sorry your younger dc were upset that your ex decided to come home and repeat it to them"

It absolutely isn't your responsibility what her 9yo has told their younger siblings.

And it isn't your responsibility what 9yo are discussing in school unless it's inappropriate and a safeguarding issue. It's a very common age to discuss what they do and don't believe in and their opinions on things as from age 8 they start to develop that understanding of their place in the world.

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BoredZelda · 14/11/2021 08:09

I'd send a laughing emoji. They must be joking. 9 year olds are hardly unable to spot the disconnect.

Yeah, don’t do this. That’s a shitty response and with a shitty (and ableist) reasoning.

Just say sorry. That’s all.

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DrSbaitso · 14/11/2021 08:11

I don't see what OP has to apologise for.

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sashh · 14/11/2021 08:14

So you have got a shirty message about a child telling their younger children something they shouldn't and some how it's your fault?

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purplesequins · 14/11/2021 08:15

tbh I'm surprised they only came across this at age 9...

talking about santa on the school playground is like 'sharing' swear words between friends.
it happens.
there is absolutely nothing parents can do about it.

we never 'did' santa, but we told our dc that it's make belief and fun and that most people play.

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Mummyoflittledragon · 14/11/2021 08:16

[quote Pottedpalm]@Mummyoflittledragon
‘Village mentality’!! It’s not the middle ages! Do you inly leave the village once a day? That is one of the most ridiculous things I have read on here.
Oh, and I have lived in various villages for 40 years.[/quote]
@Pottedpalm
I’d say you’ve lived in somewhat of a bubble then. I have not.

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Soosiesoo · 14/11/2021 08:39

I'm so glad to have found this thread for my own reasons!

My 9 year old DD announced to me that she knows Santa doesn't exist. Rather than try and convince her otherwise, I just explained that we try and keep it alive for the little ones, which she loved the idea of! My DH was mortified and thought I should have cArried on the charade.

I was doubting myself until I found this. Of course she doesn't believe, she's a logical and bright 9 year old FFS Grin

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aSofaNearYou · 14/11/2021 08:47

Any parent that isn't prepared for this sort of thing happening naturally by about that age is delusional and burying their head in the sand about the fact their child is no longer a baby.

I would send a simple sorry but I wouldn't grovel.

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Dozer · 14/11/2021 08:50

Wouldn’t apologise. Nothing to apologise for. Would ignore! Other parent is U

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WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 14/11/2021 08:57

I also think that a lot of people are very unfairly seeing non-existent motives in the children who discuss/tell other children what they've found out.

Yes, there might be some who delight in bursting the bubble of younger kids (potentially such as the eldest child of the complaining message-sender), but childhood is all about learning and developing along with your peers.

If children learn new (to them) information about something, whether they've been told it by another child, read/seen it in the news or just worked it out logically for themselves, why ever wouldn't they want to discuss it with their friends and classmates? Just look at all the child campaigners who are catalysed to action by environmental stories they see on Newsround or read in First News. They don't necessarily go looking for the sources of the false information that they previously believed/didn't question - they just now know what they believe to be the up-to-date truth and are eager to share it - just like adults do all the time.

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HoardingSamphireSaurus · 14/11/2021 09:12

Push back.

Their kids talked with yours.

Their kids told their siblings the news.

Their kids did what your eldest did. It's how kids find out lots of stuff.

They need to have words with their kids.

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toodalooda · 14/11/2021 09:16

Hilarious 😆

I still remember another kid telling me

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SugaryYuck · 14/11/2021 09:22

I don't remember ever actually believing in Santa because my older sister found out when my lovely tactless grandma shouted to my dad to ask if he was going to fill the stocking before or after midnight mass and my sister was still awake 😂
She then told me when I was very young. I don't blame her at all. She was a child, children like to talk about things, I never found Christmas anything other than magical as a child.

Having said all this, my own ds1 when he worked it out (around 9-10) immediately told his much younger siblings because he has no filter due to his ASD. I told all of my dc that Santa comes to children for as long as they need him to, and ds1 was now old enough that he didn't need Santa anymore so he had handed over to me. This has worked for us, so that it doesn't actually matter who says what to them - they know that they can basically believe as long as they want and they'll still get a stocking regardless. Maybe suggest this to the crazy mum - though it's really her fault for not having prepared and thought it through because this is really inevitable at some point in a child's life.
It's not your child's fault, and it's not even her own child's fault for blabbing to the younger ones. Children are children. She's an idiot.

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Bumblenums1234 · 14/11/2021 09:37

@Mummyoflittledragon

I agree with the double standards pointed out that your 9 yo should know better than to talk to their peers but their 9yo is exonerated from upsetting a younger sibling. Perhaps you should tape your ds’s mouth shut. 🙄

For those saying 9 yos don’t believe. It really depends on circumstances. My dd totally believed at 9. When she was 10, she asked and I confirmed her suspicions. A couple of weeks later, she started talking about Santa coming. I wasn’t quite sure what to do but took her lead and we did the Santa thing one last time.

I had someone drunk text me I’d told a 12 yo btw. I think this is also a drunk text.

Did you respond in the end op?

Do people stop the santa thing once their kids no longer believe? My parents still did the stocking until I was 18 and had moved out. I would bet they still put mince pies and q glass of brandy out the night before on our Christmas dish for my dad to 'secretley' have in the morning when making everyone breakfast.
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DrSbaitso · 14/11/2021 09:45

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

I also think that a lot of people are very unfairly seeing non-existent motives in the children who discuss/tell other children what they've found out.

Yes, there might be some who delight in bursting the bubble of younger kids (potentially such as the eldest child of the complaining message-sender), but childhood is all about learning and developing along with your peers.

If children learn new (to them) information about something, whether they've been told it by another child, read/seen it in the news or just worked it out logically for themselves, why ever wouldn't they want to discuss it with their friends and classmates? Just look at all the child campaigners who are catalysed to action by environmental stories they see on Newsround or read in First News. They don't necessarily go looking for the sources of the false information that they previously believed/didn't question - they just now know what they believe to be the up-to-date truth and are eager to share it - just like adults do all the time.

Quite.

There's something a bit nasty about adults ascribing malicious motives to children who are questioning the world around them and sharing truth with their peers.

Who's supposed to be the grown up here?
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