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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's a Christmas gift one...

107 replies

NinJellyWarrior · 13/11/2021 17:38

AIBU to have told DP I don't want his old iPad as a christmas present?

He has been saying for a couple of months he wants a new one. His current one is about 4 years old I think but is starting to be a bit slow and glitchy. He had said that it would probably end up my way but not as a gift.

Last night he let slip he was going to buy a new one and his old one would be my gift.

I must have sounded a bit WTF? as he asked if it was an awful gift idea and I said it kind of was.

I feel a bit bad for making him feel bad iyswim but I felt quite insulted - like it wasn't good enough for him but I can have his castoffs?

For context: he earns a lot more than me and has zero money worries. I haven't ever mentioned wanting an iPad. He put a £30 limit on christmas gifts at the start of our relationship so knows I don't expect extravagent gifts.

WIBU?

OP posts:
Inertia · 13/11/2021 22:37

There's spending sensibly and ensuring a fair balance with finances and gifts.

However, it would be very hard for me to respect a partner who thought the only present I deserved was a broken item too knackered for him to bother even getting fixed. Disposing of it at the tip would take more effort than palming it off on you.

1stTimeMama · 14/11/2021 00:24

Why wouldn't you expect diamonds, and other lovely things?!

I can't even imagine setting a budget between my husband and I, never mind a £30 one. It would barely but lunch, let alone a nice gift.I

I'd be so disappointed with how little he thought of me to give me his rubbish hand me downs, especially if he's not struggling for money.

AdoraBell · 14/11/2021 00:31

Haven’t RTFT, sorry, but I suggest to give him your worn out toothbrush for Christmas.

SheilaWilcox · 14/11/2021 01:36

Get yourself a new partner for Xmas! Or better still, stay single and please yourself.

Gifts don't need to cost much, but they shouldn't make you feel rubbish. He's really showing how little he 'gets' what's important to you.

Kylie83 · 14/11/2021 01:48

If I was you, I would buy myself a new vibrator for Christmas and give him your old one as his gift so he can go fuck himself. Sorry he is treating you like this.

CombatBarbie · 14/11/2021 01:53

Apologies, did you say you pay 2/3 of bills because of DC even though he earns significantly more?

Hoesbeforebroes · 14/11/2021 02:08

Re: the 2nd hand kitchen appliance for your 40th birthday....

I'm going to take a wild guess that he spends the majority of your 'couple time' at your house and you do the (vast) majority of the cooking. So the appliance was for his benefit too.

Would that be accurate?

littlefireseverywhere · 14/11/2021 02:13

Wow, he’s sounding like a real charmer!

EKGEMS · 14/11/2021 02:14

My god OP you sound like you are scared to be honest with him-speak up and say "I'm very hurt I had an important birthday and you didn't really make an effort and now you want to dump your slow iPad on me!" "Do you not ever want to reach into your pocket and spend on me ever? You don't hesitate to blow money on yourself!

BarbaraofSeville · 14/11/2021 04:58

I'm puzzled about 4 YO iPad being considered old and worn out. I have a fairly basic android tablet that has to be about twice that age that still works. You could probably sell the iPad for far more than £30.

But if you don't want it then YANBU to tell him that. People are far too polite about presents that are unsuitable and it leads to years of stress and waste.

I don't think a £30 gift limit is a bad thing. You say he just buys what he wants when he wants it so a low gift limit frees you from having to think up a 'proper' present and you can just get a few cheap token presents like some unusual beers he might like to try or whatever. You can then spend your own money on the things you want for yourself and your DC.

But he should recognise day to day that he has more money overall and pay for more of the regular treats like days out and takeaways or similar.

That's a more sensible way of making the income disparity more fair, rather than making a big deal out of Christmas and birthdays when he feel obliged to be generous because it's Christmas rather than because he's doing it spontaneously because he wants to.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 14/11/2021 05:29

It's not about the value you are placing on a secondhand IPad - it's about the value he is placing on you.

"My iPad is shit so I'm going to give it to you as a present and buy a better one for myself"

Why are you setting your bar this low? Genuine question.

You deserve better than this (and I don't mean better than an iPad, I mean a better partner). For me, it's not so much about the money, it's about love, generosity, respect and kindness.

myheartskippedabeat · 14/11/2021 05:31

@NinJellyWarrior

My default position in life is don't cause a fuss but I am learning to stick up for myself more and more. I just get that niggly little doubt but I'm glad I'm not the only one thinking this was tight
@NinJellyWarrior

It's mean and stingy and you need to tell him this and if he thinks all your worth is a 4 year old iPad I'd be getting rid to be honest
That says a lot about how selfish he is and him as a person

Ricetwisty · 14/11/2021 05:41

@NinJellyWarrior

My default position in life is don't cause a fuss but I am learning to stick up for myself more and more. I just get that niggly little doubt but I'm glad I'm not the only one thinking this was tight
Of course it's tight, but even worse, it's really thoughtless. Here you go, have this thing I don't want anymore as it doesn't work anymore. If DH replaced his tablet he would just ask if I wanted his old one, never dream of giving it for a gift. Tell him it's thoughtless and you'll be upset on principle if that's what he gets you.
flatclearancehelp · 14/11/2021 06:10

Give him a used book for Xmas. Tell him you've read it and don't need the book any more so thought he might like it 😀

Bogeyes · 14/11/2021 06:18

I'd give him s pair of your old socks for Christmas

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/11/2021 06:35

Like @Tattered0wl I also expect diamonds if he can afford diamonds. I totally agree with valuing yourself.

My suggestions: a rusty loo brush, a used tooth brush, some used loo roll, limp lettuce. I’m sure washed out tins and meat packaging would make great cups and serving bowls.

As for ensuring you have the same disposable income if you move in together, that would mean owning 50/50 right?

If you’re serious about having babies with this man, you need to have some in-depth discussions about providing for your child. It sounds as if he’d drain the joys out of life. Be careful you’d not be setting yourself up for 18 plus years of financial abuse. And remember, no ring, no financial protection.

Do you read threads from women, who have babies with financially abusive men?

zoemum2006 · 14/11/2021 07:09

DH and I don’t give Christmas/ birthday presents to each other. I don’t see buying material things as an expression of love (not my “love language”).

But if gifts matter to you then just tell him “babe I want to feel spoilt! Lavish me!”

That doesn’t mean you have to spend a lot of money on him if it doesn’t mean much to him.

However, if he can’t/ won’t treat you, then you have a problem.

user1471462634 · 14/11/2021 07:24

48Kylie83

If I was you, I would buy myself a new vibrator for Christmas and give him your old one as his gift so he can go fuck himself. Sorry he is treating you like this.

GrinGrinGrin

Shoxfordian · 14/11/2021 07:31

Why would he think you’d want a glitchy old iPad?

Nothing less attractive than someone who isn’t generous

abstractprojection · 14/11/2021 07:42

Buy him a massive jumbo box of Tampons for Christmas. If he says he can’t think what he needs them for say you don’t mind having them back.

Seriously though OP you’re about to move in with other so I presume a life together is on the cards, is this what you want from a life a £30 gift at best, maybe a second hand kitchen appliance or as a special treat an almost broken iPad that’s not good enough for him. And this is when the cash is there to do better, it’s not like your watching the pennies to make sure the children have everything they need, this is just being tight

You say you don’t expect diamonds but why not, why should other women get diamonds and not you (or whatever would make you happy). Life is for living and enjoying, love is to be celebrated and enjoyed spectacularly and partners should make effort to make each other happy and gifts are not the be all and end all but are part of that

GinUnicorn · 14/11/2021 07:42

OP I think he’s totally in the wrong but have you had a conversation with him. If he is a good partner I think it could be worth broaching. You mentioned earlier how it would make you feel being given his cast offs - like you weren’t good enough for a real gift. I would think if everything else is good explain that gifts don’t have to be expensive but they should be thoughtful.

SummerWhisper · 14/11/2021 07:51

You will never be valued and 'looked after' by this man. He will always be calculating cost (to him) above value (to you).

I suspect the iPad is to compensate (him) for the £70 he spent on your 40th.

How does he contribute financially the rest of the time? Does he mostly eat at yours and not pay his way? @Hoesbeforebroes made a good point about this.

As for the moving in arrangement, I bet he has worked out a way of reclaiming his costs...I'd be double checking that arrangement.

1u1a · 14/11/2021 10:31

OP, you sound like a really lovely person but COME ON! Stop tying yourself in knots trying to excuse / make sense of this behaviour. No ifs, no buts and let’s cut the crap. This is DIABOLICAL!

What would he do with this old I-pad if he wasn’t magnanimously giving it to you for Xmas? It would probably just sit in a drawer or he’d give it to charity.

He is treating you as beneath him - like a charity case. It’s extremely distasteful. He should be ashamed.

And as for that second-hand, replacement kitchen appliance malarkey that morphed into your 40th birthday present - words fail me!

OP, it sounds like you’ve been conditioned to just accept any old scraps he throws at you.

Of course you have the right to expect your partner to make you feel special and looked after. Of course you do - this is basic. You shouldn’t have to tell him - he should instinctively want to!

You have said you know within yourself that you would want to treat him and make him feel special if it were the other way round. So why are you trying to convince yourself it’s ok to expect any less from him?

This type of behaviour in a man is miserly, ungentlemanly and downright insulting. Where is the integrity here? Urrgggh.

I’m really sorry, but I don’t know where you can go from here. I’m embarrassed for him. Definitely don’t drag a child into this dynamic. I’m sure he’s ‘lovely’ in other ways - they always are, aren’t they? This is how they get away with it. Tread VERY carefully. Once you see this side to someone, you can’t unsee it. I’m really sorry.

Original poster
NinJellyWarrior · 14/11/2021 12:12

Thanks everyone for your input. I spent most of last night running through every interaction we have with money and I'm even more confused.

I don't think he is intentionally mean with money but that doesn't really matter if the outcome is something I am not willing to put up with.

I have some thinking to do and we have some talking to do I guess.

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 14/11/2021 12:15

Op I've learned the hard way that 'unintentional' bad behaviour is seldom a coincidence.

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