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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's a Christmas gift one...

107 replies

NinJellyWarrior · 13/11/2021 17:38

AIBU to have told DP I don't want his old iPad as a christmas present?

He has been saying for a couple of months he wants a new one. His current one is about 4 years old I think but is starting to be a bit slow and glitchy. He had said that it would probably end up my way but not as a gift.

Last night he let slip he was going to buy a new one and his old one would be my gift.

I must have sounded a bit WTF? as he asked if it was an awful gift idea and I said it kind of was.

I feel a bit bad for making him feel bad iyswim but I felt quite insulted - like it wasn't good enough for him but I can have his castoffs?

For context: he earns a lot more than me and has zero money worries. I haven't ever mentioned wanting an iPad. He put a £30 limit on christmas gifts at the start of our relationship so knows I don't expect extravagent gifts.

WIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
NinJellyWarrior · 13/11/2021 18:34

I'll have a good think! Maybe I need a new hairdryer... he is bald but that feels about the same level of care as his proposed gift.

He is tricky to buy for because he just gets what he wants when he wants it.

Maybe I will just say we get ourselves our own gifts this year.

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Original poster
NinJellyWarrior · 13/11/2021 18:36

@Jjjayfee

Don't dump him if this is the only issue. Just tell him what matters to you. I would say I would love the phone but for my gift I would like ... And give him the name of specific thing you want or a short list. Don't be vague. And do it..because you are worth it! Give him a chance and see whether he can be the man you want
This / money in general is the only thing not quite right with us but you're right. I should be straight with him about how I feel, I'm not looking to change him but I don't want to have this hanging over us.
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Cherrysoup · 13/11/2021 18:41

That’s ridiculously rude of him. Why would you want his second hand crap? My dh tried (not very hard, he knows I’m stubborn) to offload an iPhone he decided he didn’t want on me. I just refused. He sold it on eBay instead.

I’m appalled he told you the kitchen appliance was your birthday present days after getting it for you. That’s shit of him.

Westerman · 13/11/2021 18:47

Have you discussed how you'll manage the finances if you move in together? I would be seriously reconsidering or having acfrank discussion at the very least.

Stompythedinosaur · 13/11/2021 18:57

Being a crap gift given isn't a deal breaker, but not changing a behaviour that is upsetting you after you let him know might be.

Dp was not a good gift giver when we got together - gifts weren't really a thing in his family and he hadn't anticipated they would matter to me. They do, and we talked about it, and now he makes far more of an effort.

Will your dp make more of an effort if you let him know how you feel about it?

Lovethedogg · 13/11/2021 19:03

Why wouldn’t you just say no thanks you cheeky bugger, go and buy me something that requires a bit of thought and I would want, if you’re stuck for ideas I’m happy to make a list??

If your relationship is otherwise fine (although the birthday present thing sounds a shitty thing to do) I think you need to start being able to tell him when he does or says something that upsets you. By pretty much anyones standards this is mean and thoughtless behaviour and in a long term serious relationship you should be able to call him out on it.

You deserve better than that and I don’t mean in terms of monetary value but in terms of someone who cares about you and wants to at least try and buy you something you want when it’s a special occasion.

LakesideView · 13/11/2021 19:04

Wait he bought you a kitchen appliance for a big (I assume 0?) birthday?! Seriously? What a tight wad! I do actually think this speaks volumes about who he is and I’d be seriously reconsidering this relationship.

Inthewainscoting · 13/11/2021 19:05

Whatever happened to, "it's the thought that counts"?!

Presents are not an extra source of goods and income,Ike a premium bonds win! They are meant to be a considered expression of love, over and above normal day-to-day interaction - a special effort to bring special joy.

I am guessing that his family background is not big on cherishing, nurturing and thoughtfulness.
The big question is... is this no more than poor socialisation? Or does he really not enjoy planning to do something nice for someone he loves, seeing their face light up when he does it, and remembering it warmly afterwards?

A) if he changes then fine
B) maybe he's not quite right for you.

girlmom21 · 13/11/2021 19:12

So this year you've got a second hand kitchen appliance and a second hand iPad? Does he have any respect or consideration for you? What was the last thoughtful thing he did?

Suzi888 · 13/11/2021 19:14

Tighter than a crab’s arse. Tell him not to bother at all- save your money and get something for yourself.

Mayra1367 · 13/11/2021 19:18

Giving you his castoffs as a Christmas gift is unacceptable.

RaininSummer · 13/11/2021 19:19

What a git. I think with that attitude I would just say let's make an agreement not to do any gifts for each other. Then, just treat yourself to whatever you want

Aderyn21 · 13/11/2021 19:24

Dump him! Stinginess is such an unattractive trait. This is the sort of man who’d expect his wife to pay 50% of bills while on maternity leave!

Capferret · 13/11/2021 19:27

I would be straight and tell your dp that his cast offs are not gifts.
Personally I wouldn't move in with him yet.

User0ne · 13/11/2021 19:46

Me and DH don't really "do" birthdays or Christmas. This year dh is getting a starter motor for his old car and I got slippers - both things we wanted/needed but not big romantic presents. We discuss what we're getting each other/tell the other person what we need and it's nearly always something we couldn't quite justify buying ourselves (they were v nice slippers). So a household item would be fine but it wouldn't become a present as an afterthought.

I guess what I'm saying is you don't have to treat birthdays/Xmas the way most people do but if you value consideration then whatever you do should make you both happy. It sounds like he is fundamentally not considering you in his choice of presents

I'd be pretty pissed off at DH if he offered me his old and nearly broken gadget and I'd tell him so. I'd be a lot more annoyed if it was someone new because they wouldn't have years of "good husband" credit built up

MistyGreenAndBlue · 13/11/2021 19:54

Sackable offence as far as I'm concerned. Stingy, thoughtless and disrespectful. NO!

JacquelineCarlyle · 13/11/2021 20:03

Goodness I hate stinginess. For me it's not about the money but the miserly attitude and I'd struggle to get past that.

Restart10 · 13/11/2021 20:09

This isn't a tiny issue imo. It brings out what he really thinks of you. He is calculating his money and that's a big one. I would hold off on the moving in. Have you even discussed how that would work?

BFCfairy · 13/11/2021 20:20

YANBU.

I'm not that focused on gift cost etc but £30....

If he really earns a decent wage and no money worries I was hoping he would spoil you once (twice for bday) a year. I mean £30 ...

You don't want his glitchy ipad what a knob

DeepaBeesKit · 13/11/2021 20:23

What a twat, why cant he give YOU the new one.

5keletor · 13/11/2021 20:23

Yanbu. It would be fine if it was something you wanted and it wasn't glitchy, but it's a bit rubbish getting something you don't particularly want that doesn't even work!

Original poster
NinJellyWarrior · 13/11/2021 20:27

Lot's to think about now I guess.

We have talked lots about living together and the split would be a fair one worked out on percentages of wages.

I do think it's just gifts and money he is a bit rubbish with. We need to have a proper talk about it and hopefully he will understand how it's made me feel.

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yourestandingonmyneck · 13/11/2021 20:33

Oh my. How incredibly selfish.

I find that such an unattractive quality.

iknowimcoming · 13/11/2021 20:34

Hmm I can't help but think 'there's fair and fair though' does fair wrt to percentages of wages mean that after your 'fair' share you'd be nearly broke? Be very careful - tight people only get more tight in my experience, and he sounds tight and thoughtless to me!

Original poster
NinJellyWarrior · 13/11/2021 20:34

@BFCfairy

YANBU.

I'm not that focused on gift cost etc but £30....

If he really earns a decent wage and no money worries I was hoping he would spoil you once (twice for bday) a year. I mean £30 ...

You don't want his glitchy ipad what a knob

I do know what you mean about this. I don't have much spare money at all but would save and spend on something to make him feel good for his birthday.

I had been single for a long time so the thought of any gift has been nice. But my birthday and now this has kind of made me feel I'd rather have nothing then have these feelings.

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