It's a Christmas gift one...

[NinJellyWarrior]

AIBU to have told DP I don't want his old iPad as a christmas present?

He has been saying for a couple of months he wants a new one. His current one is about 4 years old I think but is starting to be a bit slow and glitchy. He had said that it would probably end up my way but not as a gift.

Last night he let slip he was going to buy a new one and his old one would be my gift.

I must have sounded a bit WTF? as he asked if it was an awful gift idea and I said it kind of was.

I feel a bit bad for making him feel bad iyswim but I felt quite insulted - like it wasn't good enough for him but I can have his castoffs?

For context: he earns a lot more than me and has zero money worries. I haven't ever mentioned wanting an iPad. He put a £30 limit on christmas gifts at the start of our relationship so knows I don't expect extravagent gifts.

WIBU?

We have talked lots about living together and the split would be a fair one worked out on percentages of wages.

Is that fair though? Will you have similar disposable income?

@iknowimcoming

Hmm I can't help but think 'there's fair and fair though' does fair wrt to percentages of wages mean that after your 'fair' share you'd be nearly broke? Be very careful - tight people only get more tight in my experience, and he sounds tight and thoughtless to me!

Actually. I can't fault him in this - he made it clear we both need to have similar amounts of money left over after mortgage / bills etc. I would be bringing a child too so assumed we should take that into account but he disagreed and wants to pay two thirds of the costs.

In many ways he is so great. Which is what has made this so odd to me. I feel bad for feeling bad iyswim?

To be fair @NinJellyWarrior it sounds like he might have just been a bit thoughtless rather than being a massive knob

I guess I just don't know how to approach this without sounding bratty.

When he mentioned it I just said He couldn't do that and he asked if it was such a terrible idea and I said yes. He seemed surprised but didn't argue about it.

I think that’s just shitty behaviour - both the iPad and the kitchen appliance. I’d rather have nothing to be honest. £30 is not reasonable and he shouldn’t give a shit about you matching him if he earns so much more. He should want to give you a treat. I think it’s stingy and bizarre.

@NinJellyWarrior

I guess I just don't know how to approach this without sounding bratty.

When he mentioned it I just said He couldn't do that and he asked if it was such a terrible idea and I said yes. He seemed surprised but didn't argue about it.

Im interested in this too. My xh was so good at it. I still dont know how to say that a gift is shit.

Is there something you'd like within the £30 limit that you could suggest he buys you? Then you'll know he's definitely got the message that you don't want the iPad.

Op how old is are you and him?

Money "" is the only thing not quite right between us "but money is absolutely huge!
It's our life blood and I say that at someone who hates how this is but it's true.
He's too money obsessed and mean. There is no way I could be with someone this mean and... I say that as someone who married someone who started off tight but that was soley his dp influence not him.

He balanced out and whilst he definitely remained the cautious one... He's to rally normal and we compliment each other.

Op it's crazy.

Run a mile! This isn't passionate love but I need to know how old you are.

@girlmom21

Is there something you'd like within the £30 limit that you could suggest he buys you? Then you'll know he's definitely got the message that you don't want the iPad.

I can't think of anything but I am sure he won't give me the iPad now.

I couldn't be with someone who valued me so poorly. Raise your bar OP

Have you checked on a trade in site how much that’s worth?
I bet a lot more than £30.
He obviously values an iPad as an item, and may think you don’t have one as they’re too expensive, or don’t realise how much you’d use it - in his mind.
He knows you’re happy with second hand things, from the appliance.

I do see where you’re coming from, so I’m not saying YABU.

But my husband and I only really give practical gifts, and actually that’s when we feel like it - we actually don’t do birthday/ Xmas gifts, with all the pressure to get something “perfect”. I can see 10 things in July he’s love, but draw a blank in December. We do love each other, promise! I suppose it works because we’re similar. Just sounds to me like he’s missed the mark with you personally on this, rather than is simply an arse!

"have you checked on a site to see how much its worth worth".

Oh my goodness I know the point your making but is this love? First love checking the exact presents and worth of things?

We are both 40

I know that money is major. We have just been raised differently around it. I've never relied on someone else financially - single parent for years and very used to doing it alone. I don't have as much as he does coming in but would probably be much more generous if I had his wages.

I grew up with no money. I feel grateful for what I have and enjoy sharing that or giving little treats and gifts when I can.

He grew up in better circumstances - comfortable not mega money or anything. He has never had kids. Has worked very hard to get to a good level of wage coming in. He is careful. Loves a bargain but I know he would lend me money if I ever needed it. It's just not natural to him to spend it on others or to offer it etc.

I need to be better at voicing how I feel. I have this conflicting thing where I want to always be independent but I secretly want to be looked after just a little for a change.

@Naughtynovembertree

"have you checked on a site to see how much its worth worth".

Oh my goodness I know the point your making but is this love? First love checking the exact presents and worth of things?

In ordinary circumstances, I would think it was awful to receive a present and jump straight online to cost it up! But when you’re feeling that it’s not a nice present, I think it’s worth considering the value. Money doesn’t = love, but giving something secondhand that the recipient wouldn’t afford for themselves and is above their £30 limit is potentially a nice way of giving something lovely but thinking you’re not creating expectations around the agreed limit. Like I say - I think he just missed the mark here - and the fact he said about it in advance seems he was sounding her out, which was good.

Op I would nt bother.

He's working really hard not to spend money on you and I can't get behind this mind set at all.
Normal people want to spend on this they love and they are usually constrained by their income!!

Not the other way around, putting endless thought to be tight.
It should be the other way around but setting up gift limits will always lead to this.

Coco.. They have sadly gone down a dead end here with the £30 gift limit.

It's a rabbit hole of misery and costing things up and I don't know how they can possibly live together like a this.

@Naughtynovembertree

"have you checked on a site to see how much its worth worth".

Oh my goodness I know the point your making but is this love? First love checking the exact presents and worth of things?

It's odd because if I needed an iPad and he knew that and went out and got me a second hand one I'd be fine with that. It just doesn't sit right that his isn't good enough for him but is fine for a gift for me. Like I deserve less or something.

It was a bit like he was using it going to me to justify getting himself a new toy with no real thought to me.

@RuggerHug

Anything of yours need updating that you can get yourself and give him the cast off?

I was thinking this, maybe a broken whisk or something?

Fucking hell your DH makes Ebenezer Scrooge seem thoughtful and generous. Are you sure he’s being serious?

Op for done context to myself responses in my family, Xmas was definitely more about the day and presents were certainly exchanged they depended on how flush everyone was, certainly no diamonds ever exchanged hands, but cost and ££ never mentioned.

Again with dh and I when we have £ we spend a more and less £ we spent less.

Dh family are v well off, millions. They absolutely ruined Xmas for me by being so incredibly tight over it! It sucked all the joy out of it!!

I've mention on another thread now df would give absolutely bat shit gifts sometimes! Because he was disabled not on line and couidnt access to shops properly think two left gloves too small 😂. But purchased with love!

Dh family have that incredibly tight budget and she prides herself on sticking to it we all know she's cut costs on everything over Xmas including keeping the heating off so it's joyless.

I'd rather two left gloves than a gift for 29.99.
The thinking is all wrong.

Oh, this is awful! His old knackered iPad for Christmas and a second hand kitchen appliance for your birthday?

What would hurt me most is him thinking the iPad isn’t good enough for him, so he needs a new one, but it’s good enough for me.

I hope he’ll listen to you telling him how you feel about gift giving. And most normal people feel the same. Otherwise this will affect your future lives together and he’ll disappoint you often.

@Naughtynovembertree

Op I would nt bother.

He's working really hard not to spend money on you and I can't get behind this mind set at all.
Normal people want to spend on this they love and they are usually constrained by their income!!

Not the other way around, putting endless thought to be tight.
It should be the other way around but setting up gift limits will always lead to this.

That's what i was going to say.

I would lower the limit to zero but buy myself a lovely gift instead!
Tight bastard such an unattractive trait.

You don't expect diamonds? Well I fucking do in my relationship! There's nothing wrong with valuing yourself and although I may be a little tongue in cheek re my diamonds comment, I do expect nice gifts

As for the 30 quid limit... words fail me.

Just tell him to ram his clapped out iPad up his clapped out arse and dump him. Just get rid of this tightwad. What a loser he sounds.

Start valuing yourself and be straight with him