Did anyone not live with their Mum growing up? AIBU?

[AwesomeFishsticks]

This is me. We're very close though had some terrible rows in my late teens. But sometimes even many years later there's a sadness that when she went on to get married and have more children, I wasn't there with her. Her husband is a really good bloke as well, but he was never my 'dad'. I never had one of those!

I grew up with a relative I adored who adored me btw so it's not like I missed out. Hence feeling a bit of a daftie for even feeling like I missed out, in a way.

I'm tired of trying to understand why I feel this, but gosh it does still cause me hurt sometimes - I wish it wouldn't because especially when there are other big things going on emotionally, it seems to come back at me.

Can anyone relate? AIBU to feel confused or hurt over this? Do I just need to grow up and get a grip?

Of course you missed out I’m really sorry - I hate we the circumstances were that meant you didn’t live with your mum, it must have been traumatic. Would you consider trying to get some therapy/counselling?

That was supposed to say ‘whatever the circumstances…’

I'm so sorry to hear. That must have been v tough. I don't think you need to 'get a grip'. Would you consider counselling to help you process it all?

Totally understandable that you feel this way, it really isn't 'normal' that when your DM remarries that you don't go along with her (I'm assuming you are in UK). I would second the counselling suggestions.

Thank you. Counselling is probably a good idea, I'm frustrated because I don't want to feel this way. It makes me feel sort of greedy and guilty. Because I loved the relative I grew up with so much, and she was my mum in every way that mattered!

I thought I was fine with it all when I was a kid. But now I don't really understand!

Of course it’s not fine, you feel rejected. Short of war there is no reason I wouldn’t have my children live with me. (I grew up without my mum, but she had died)

My grandmother grew up with her grandmother from about 7 while the rest of her siblings stayed with the parents. She is very closed off emotionally. I think it’s bound to feel like a rejection, doubly so when you have your own children and can’t then imagine not having them with you.

Not me but my best friend. Her mum didn't go on to have more children but she did have my friend's older siblings with her. It was supposed to be a temporary arrangement due to a tragic situation but she never took my df to live with her.
My dd1 had a happy childhood and was very much loved by the family members who raised her.
Her later teenage years were very difficult. She felt the rejection keenly and it hurt her deeply. She knew that her mum was in a situation to have her with her but she never made it happen. That hurt a lot more than the initial decision made in difficult circumstances.
As an adult she is a mum herself and has built a relationship with her own mum to some extent but more as friendly acquaintance than anything deeper.
I think some therapy would help, I know it did for my friend.

All the best to you. I hope you find some answers and some peace.

Are you now a mum yourself OP? Is that what has changed?

Sorry df auto corrected to dd1.

But why am I not ok given that I had plenty of motherly love from somebody who was basically my adoptive mother?

Does that not make me greedy to still feel this sadness regarding my actual mother? It feels ridiculous in a way. Honestly feel IABU, but then feelings aren't always logical are they.

You aren't being even remotely unreasonable.

@RAFHercules

Are you now a mum yourself OP? Is that what has changed?

Not a mum myself sadly due to ongoing fertility complications, but yes that stuff is feeding into things.

My mother left me when I was 4 - went on to remarry and have another child. My father joined the army at this time and was stationed in Singapore where he stayed for the next 12 years.

I was brought up by my grandparents.

As a child I thought my mum was great - on my monthly visit for one afternoon but as an adult I realised how shit she really was. We're now NC and have been for 20 yrs plus. It was having my own children that brought it all back and the realisation of how odd it all was

Oh OP, my mum left when I was little then got married and had an utterly adored child (who I do get on with thankfully). She was a pillar of the community, but just a shit mum to me as she really was unhappy and didn't know what to do (but she did love me).

My dad is amazing, won custody off me when I was small, and then moved in with step mum and step kids (and then had another DC). Step mum want very nice to me -now she is and thinks she was an amazing mum but she really wasn't.

I learnt very early on I came in on my own and will go out on my own so can't rely on anyone for anything -I am married with DCs but early on had to shut down emotionally to protect myself.

So, day to day I'm fine as I manage, keep down a job etc, a psychotherapist might have other ideas but am not interested in going there!

Step mum wasn't very nice to me!

YANBU and you are not greedy. I think counselling will help. You need to parent your inner child (sounds wanky but that's the process).

Hi OP. This is not my situation but is my partner's. He and his brother were brought up by grandparents and his mum went on to have other children and was in their lives as an 'auntie' figure. They don't see her now though - I think for him, having our own children made him look differently on it. He doesn't talk much about it but for what it's worth, my observation over the 20 plus years of our relationship is that a child's relationship with their biological mum is a one-off. Other people may love you dearly (and I'm really glad you had that) and that is very powerful and protective. But I think if your biological mum is in your life, and you could have had that, yet you didn't...I think that's really difficult. Its different from being adopted and never having known your biological mum. I think your feelings are completely understandable and wish you well.

I think your feelings are entirely natural. You are in no way greedy. It is fantastic that you had the maternal relationship and love with another. But even so that does not replace the fact it was given by another and not your mother.

I think you need to be kinder to yourself as it reads as though you feel that the feelings you experience are in some way your fault. I think they are natural and you are expecting too much of yourself to feel any differently.

Thank you all for your thoughts on this. It's helpful to read.

Yes @AwesomeFishsticks I can relate. Like @TestingTestingWonTooFree's post, I went to live at my grandparents' and my younger siblings stayed with our parents.

It still affects me, and counselling has helped. But I still have low self worth and fear rejection.

As an adult, I have looked for stability in relationships above all else and tried to give my DCs the happy home I never had.

Second the inner child healing. I agree it also sounds a bit wanky.

The more I read about attachment and trauma experienced in childhood, the more a lot of behaviour in adulthood makes sense.

The two are not mutually exclusive, and you are not unreasonable for allowing the feeling of loss into your awareness. We feel how we feel, feelings are responses to our experiences. We're not unreasonable, greedy or guilty.
My guess is that you may be experiencing some cognitive dissonance; a difference is occurring between your actual experience and your belief system (which is likely to be so deeply rooted that you may not even be aware if it as an actual belief system as opposed to "reality"). As a young person you are likely to have internalised other people's ideas around being grateful for the loving care you received in the care of your relative, praised for how 'reasonable' and 'resilient' you were in your unusual circumstances, your mother's affirmation for being 'understanding'; any number of projections. These may have led to you adopting a sort of performative 'stoicism', which would make it difficult for you to recognise and give space to any more complicated feelings of loss or rejection. Deep belief systems around our life stories can serve to protect us from opening to and processing very difficult feelings; could it be that you are currently in a settled and 'safe' point in your life and that on some level, you have capacity to allow the feelings about the separation from your mother to surface?
I really recommend counselling.

I would suggest that you learn to accept that this is your life, you don’t get a second go. And I know that it’s easy to say.
You need to make peace with it and accept it, rather than pushing against it.
I think counselling would be a great idea.

I lived with my mum until I was 15, but we were a couple of hours away from several of my siblings. We all had a rather difficult relationship with her anyway, but I will never understand the thought process that led her to think that moving that far away from some of her children and splitting up siblings was a good idea. It was a horrific experience. For a couple of decades after I moved out we saw each other a few times a year if that. We managed a friendship in the end, but it was never the same as a mother-daughter relationship should be.
I don’t think you’re being at all greedy to be sad that you didn’t get that relationship with your mother growing up, and it doesn’t mean you’re not grateful for the love and care you were given by other people.