Did anyone not live with their Mum growing up? AIBU?

[AwesomeFishsticks]

This is me. We're very close though had some terrible rows in my late teens. But sometimes even many years later there's a sadness that when she went on to get married and have more children, I wasn't there with her. Her husband is a really good bloke as well, but he was never my 'dad'. I never had one of those!

I grew up with a relative I adored who adored me btw so it's not like I missed out. Hence feeling a bit of a daftie for even feeling like I missed out, in a way.

I'm tired of trying to understand why I feel this, but gosh it does still cause me hurt sometimes - I wish it wouldn't because especially when there are other big things going on emotionally, it seems to come back at me.

Can anyone relate? AIBU to feel confused or hurt over this? Do I just need to grow up and get a grip?

I agree that therapy would help.
It’s amazing that you were brought up by somebody so kind and who loved you like their own.
Keep that bond going.
But it doesn’t change the fact your mum left you - that is where your pain is

You aren't a drama queen. Your mum chose to leave you with a relative instead of care for you herself but then went on to have and raise other children. That rejection is going to hurt like hell.
How old were you when she left you?

@Notgettingbetter

I'm reading this with interest. I have severe depression and I really struggle with my daughter. I have a lot of fantasies about suicide and about leaving to live by myself. But I know either of those would be incredibly damaging for her so I keep going. It's incredibly hard but she didn't ask to be born and I love her more than anything. I'm so sorry to everyone who's mother let them down. I hope you're all doing okay.

@notgettingbetter I'm so sorry you're in such a desperate place. Do you have support?

The fantasies of living alone and suicide ideation are a symptom of your illness and not an indication that this is what you really want (speaking from experience). They're signs of how crippled you feel and the need to get better.

I was in the same place up to a year ago and it's very dark, but things do get better. Incrementally, but they all add up.

I’m so sorry AwesomeFishsticks but your cousin’s opinion doesn’t reflect what a therapist would actually work through with you, and being a therapist doesn’t mean she’s the authority on what you can or can’t feel. A feeling can never be unreasonable, it’s how you feel and a good therapist (or indeed a good friend!) would never make you feel like it was.

I don’t know how that conversation went but is it also possible you’re reading more into what she said than she actually meant? E.g. did she say something like ‘well at least you had X, that was a good relationship’ and you’ve taken that to mean that your feelings were wrong somehow.

Either way, please please don’t let one thing your therapist cousin said determine how you let yourself live the rest of your life.

YANBU I was emotionally physically abused by my mum she was sectioned on and off throughout my childhood then she left my dad, I became suicidal and went into hospital at age 14 after it happened . my mum ghosted me when I was 17 and I needed her , I didn't speak to her again until i was 23 when I wrote her a letter she ghosted me again last year for an entire year.

I long for the mum I never had luckily I have been mentally well but that longing never goes luckily I have a brilliant relationship with my daughter and that has healed me somewhat.

your cousin’s opinion doesn’t reflect what a therapist would actually work through with you, and being a therapist doesn’t mean she’s the authority on what you can or can’t feel

@FirewomanSam thank you, it sounds silly but reading that in particular really jumped out at me.

I've had counselling before for other things like grief and health issues, which sometimes was helpful, but this feels...Bigger. Sometimes counselling made me feel more alone in the situation.

How old were you when she left you?

A few months. But she mostly came to stay every weekend apart for a couple of years when I was very tiny due to her job, when I saw her every month or six weeks.

I remember her coming back from work one time after a longish time, thinking she was so beautiful and feeling shy and not responding to her like she was my Mum at all. I feel so guilty in a way for this, because maybe if I'd responded differently....things may have worked out differently over the next decade and I might have lived with her. But probably not.

And then it wasn't really my responsibility at 2 or 3 years old was it?

This is the thing though, if she had been my dad who'd been in a job where people work away from home during the week, this would be entirely normal wouldn't it?

Or in the military sometimes people get sent overseas for months on end and their children are fine.

You’re not alone. I have a good relationship with my mum, but it’s superficial in many ways. She did her best I think, but she’s more a friend than mother in the traditional sense, and I feel really lucky that my dad raised me.

Even writing that I feel awful about putting the words out there, like I’m being disloyal and whatnot. I think I’ve got quite a few mummy issues that I keep packed away!

It’s one thing I find terribly upsetting since having my own kids - how do I know how to “mother” properly when I had a different sort of mum? I had a wonderful aunt who was a second mother to me, and my mum obviously loves me too, but how do I provide my kids with love, stability and boundaries when I’m not replicating my own mother? I’m doing my best but I’m secretly terrified I’m going to give them their own luggage set of mummy issues that they’ll feel ashamed of posting about on MN in 30 years time

It is a wound that never really heals - it is one thing if it was unavoidable, but when your mum leaves of their own choice - as mine did when I was 6 - I think there is always part of you that hurts. You are not unreasonable at all, you had a hard time of it. Sorry.

Please don’t blame yourself and think you are a drama Queen. This is such an awful thing to happen to you and your mother was very harsh. I have 3 young daughters and could never ever do what your mother did. I’m not sure I could forgive her but life is too short to let this eat away at you. You were an innocent little child, nothing you did was wrong. Am so glad that you had someone who cared and loved you x

Your feelings are completely valid. My parents always relied heavily on my paternal grandparents to provide care for us on a daily basis. Every weekday morning and evening, every weekend from Friday afternoon to Sunday afternoon we were with our grandparents. Every school holiday, even the 6 weeks in the summer, we wouldn’t see our parents at all. My mum eventually left my dad when I was 11 because she was having a relationship with my dad’s best friend. My parents still think they were great.
I think counselling would help you. Maybe your GP could recommend someone? Don’t ever let anyone invalidate your feelings.

I lived with relatives who were not my parents. In all but name they were my parents though, and I don’t think I missed out. I’m not close to either mum or dad, contact was sporadic with my mum and non existent with my dad. I don’t have feelings if abandonment, or regret, it’s just the way it was. I’m relieved I feel this way though, as I know it’s not necessarily typical.

@AwesomeFishsticks

My cousin who I was once very close to, is a trained therapist. So would be very knowledgeable about psychology.

She once sort of commented as if I was being a bit U when I was going through a bad time in my life about my relationship with my Mum - it felt like it was grieving something in a way. Her opinion was sort of that as I'd had a maternal relationship with somebody else, I could not expect to have had that with my Mum as well and was almost being a bit unfair on her to be sad about it.

That conversation keeps coming back to me and making me feel a bit of a drama queen.

Family and friends can’t give good therapy because they can’t be impartial.

I didn’t, well, not always, we were looked after by a local couple (quite common where I’m from) until we moved to the UK when I was eight, I then lived with her until about 15. I haven’t seen her since 17 and have zero interest in doing so, she was never a parent to me, so I don’t feel a loss, and I don’t think I would if she had been a nice person.

A very good friend lived with her Dad growing up for various reasons. Your feelings are definitely valid. My friend found a good therapist and developed a lovely relationship with both parents albeit with a few rocky periods.

*I remember her coming back from work one time after a longish time, thinking she was so beautiful and feeling shy and not responding to her like she was my Mum at all. I feel so guilty in a way for this, because maybe if I'd responded differently....things may have worked out differently over the next decade and I might have lived with her. But probably not.

And then it wasn't really my responsibility at 2 or 3 years old was it?*

No! No no no. This is absolutely heartbreaking to read.

I’m not judging your mum, I don’t know her situation or why she did what she did and I’m glad you were left in the care of people who obviously did a great job and took care of you. However, what I can say with absolute certainty is that is was NOT anything to do with you and there is NOTHING you could or should have done differently at 2 or 3 (or indeed 7, or 10, or 15…) that would have made your mum come back.

It breaks my heart to think of you as a toddler thinking even on the most minute level that if you’d been less ‘shy’ your mum might have come back. And the fact that you still remember that moment and feel ‘guilty’ for it (even though you rationally know you shouldn’t) just shows how much you really need to unpack all this with a good therapist.

Can you imagine talking to a toddler right now and them telling you ‘mummy didn’t take me back back because I was too shy’ and how heartbreaking it would be to hear that? You need to view your toddler self (and indeed your adult self!) with the same compassion you would any other child.

You’re not being unreasonable but you need to work on accepting it and move on sadly . My life was much better once I came to terms with no having my mother there

Hi op, you asked about edmr. I went through it last year, I’ve taken a break as I’m back at college.

It’s hard work, I would come home sobbing my heart out and carry on crying all day. I was constantly tired.

But it’s broken so many holds over me, I feel no guilt at being NC with my father and stepfamily. I'm also able to have calls with mum without it affecting me for days after. She still says shitty things to me but she’s deeply unhappy and I can shrug it off.

I cried for the people I lost when my father remarried. And that took time, as they let me down to and I needed to grieve their loss.

This is strange but it connected me with my inner child. When I now remember memories, I see myself now protecting myself as a child.

And my body would pop during a session and stop hurting. And I’d finally lose this ache there that I didn't know I had.

It felt like I was losing this thick toxic sludge from my body.You feel lighter.

I want to go back, not sure when yet. Someone suggested my sisters' house.

Just make sure you feel safe with your councillor. Walk away if it feels wrong for you.

My dad and his brother were basically adopted by his gran, as his mum was a deeply unhappy woman, who constantly craved love from different men, meaning he has 6 siblings - and they have at least 4 different fathers. He never had a father in the scene.
His mum left for 5 years, and he didn’t see her. When she came back, she was remarried, with 2 more kids, and he was a teenager. She didn’t take her elder children with her, and he was shipped off to live with his aunt then, as their gran was essentially abusive to the two of them. She used to beat them, and family lore is that she refused to allow my gran to take the older boys with her. She spent his adult life desperately trying to make up for it, and I genuinely believe they loved each other in their own ways.

He didn’t really experience a supportive family, until he met my mum, and was subsumed into her (also large) family! He obviously struggled with parenting us at times, as he had no positive role model in that area. As an adult, I can see that, but we all (my brother, sister and I) found him difficult a lot of the time. We can talk about it now, and I can see that he is very much the product of his upbringing.

Being without a parent must be tough, but being without either must really feel like you’ve been rejected at times, no matter how much you are loved by others. I think it’s only natural - and if you think counselling would help, give it a whirl.
Take care. X

@AwesomeFishsticks I've read all your posts (not all the responses yet though) and your situation sounds very similar to my own upbringing.

My mother left me in the care of someone else, who loved me as their own, whom I loved in turn - more so than my mother in some ways because this person never left me. Never abandoned me.

I say abandon because at times, that's what it feels like, even though rationally I know my mother did what she thought was best for me/her/our family and she left me in the care of a wonderful person.

But I can't help but feel as though she did abandon me, and since having my own children I can't imagine how it's possible to separate yourself from your own child; or given that she did, how difficult it must have been for her.

We were reunited after several years and spent the rest of my childhood together. But I can't "get over" this early childhood separation. Reasonably, like you, it feels as though there should be nothing to feel negative about. Emotionally I can't let it go :(

Which for me, is absolutely pointless and futile. I've thought about therapy for myself, but I'm ashamed to talk about this IRL - it's hard to say "my mother left me" because what would that mean? I was a bad baby? Not worth bothering with? That she prioritised other things in her life, rather than me? I know that's not what she thought but her actions... Rationally I can explain and justify my mother's actions, but emotionally this is baggage I'll always have.

Perversely I do not hold my father to the same account, even though he was far more absent during my childhood than my mother. I see the unfairness and sexism of that, I see my own feelings about being a mother myself reflecting back on my mother's choices and judging her for those. And I accept that my judgement is not fair on her, because she lived a very different life from mine, faced with difficult and hard choices that I have not had to deal with.

So I'm back to judging her, but knowing that I shouldn't judge her. I feel bad about certain aspects of my childhood, but I shouldn't really have reasons to feel bad :/

If you have some therapy to talk this through, I hope you find some closure and satisfaction

YANBU

I've come off unusually well but had the stability of always living in the extended family home and basically grew up as a different generation. It's not always been an easy mother-daughter relationship, but I've always felt loved. I was near adulthood when my sibling was born so felt no rivalry there, and I liked my step-dad who was a long term relative from fairly early in childhood. I did have the added complication of my father figure dying suddenly in childhood.

It was still the era of the 2.4 children family when I was growing up and secondary was tougher on people with odd situations. It seemed odd to me that other people took umbrage with my family situation when I didn't. The rockiest part of my relationship with my mother was early adulthood as it seemed to suddenly hit her what she'd lost and she suddenly wanted to mother me when I didn't need it. She's not always an easy person and there were ructions. Age seems to have settled things again though. It's never going to be the closest of relationships, but it's not the worst. Fortunately I felt sufficiently "mothered" in one way or another to have not had too much stirred up by motherhood myself although I think I'm a little relieved to have sons.

It's an "unusual" position to be in in society and very few escape it without some baggage even if there has been love and stability.

I didn't live with my mum after I was 12, when she left to live with my dads best friend. They're still together.

I was wonderfully taken on by my dad's new wife, and regard her as my "mum". I have a great relationship with her, and also my mil. I've not spoken to my mum in 15 years and now dot miss her. But that's after years of therapy and mental health problems. I doubt I'll ever fully recover.

OP- your feelings are absolutely 100% not U in the slightest. Therapy probably will help. Your relationship with your mother was HER responsibility not yours, you were a child.

It can be helpful to know that two different things can be true at once... Like, you loved growing up with your relative AND you're sad that you didn't grow up with your mum. Both very valid. Completely understand how it can feel so confusing (I have a complicated relationship with my mum but in a different way and I know it can be so hard... I've done a lot of therapy over it...).

My mother left us (me and my dad) when I was 11. At the time she told me it was my fault but before long I discovered she had been having an affair for years. Throughout my earlier childhood she would disappear for weeks on end and laugh if I asked where she had been or where she was going “Great Yarmouth”- but I knew it was a lie.

After she left I saw very little of her despite her living only 5 miles away. She repeatedly cancelled contact days and not once took me on holiday with her. She was very critical of me and I had severe mental health problems as a child.

I now really struggle- I am quite a paranoid person and have very low self worth which impacts on all my life. On the face of it I have a successful life but I am not happy. Her life has pretty much evaporated now (no partner no job) and she has very regrettably now turned up in the country I moved to. It’s not an understatement to say I loathe her; her voice makes my stomach turn and I feel sick if she even lays a hand on me. But despite that I see her regularly as I dont think my kids would understand me severing ties and I dread it would set a bad example to them (and that I would ultimately loose them). And I feel guilty at the thought of hurting her.