Did anyone not live with their Mum growing up? AIBU?

[AwesomeFishsticks]

This is me. We're very close though had some terrible rows in my late teens. But sometimes even many years later there's a sadness that when she went on to get married and have more children, I wasn't there with her. Her husband is a really good bloke as well, but he was never my 'dad'. I never had one of those!

I grew up with a relative I adored who adored me btw so it's not like I missed out. Hence feeling a bit of a daftie for even feeling like I missed out, in a way.

I'm tired of trying to understand why I feel this, but gosh it does still cause me hurt sometimes - I wish it wouldn't because especially when there are other big things going on emotionally, it seems to come back at me.

Can anyone relate? AIBU to feel confused or hurt over this? Do I just need to grow up and get a grip?

Of course you are allowed to feel like you missed out. I grew up without my mother. Was raised by my father and grandfather (grandmother too until she got alzheimers when I was around 7). I would see my mother once a year when she would come to visit for a few hours near Christmas Time. It was her choice to visit this rarely. I guess because I basically had no relationship with her I never felt like I missed out (my parents split up when I was 16 months old). I know that my brother who is 6 years older then me, so remembers living with our mother always has struggled with it. I guess I was lucky that I was so young that it did not effect me.

I will never understand how parents can be so cruel. My dad virtually stopped seeing me very suddenly after he re-married when I was 5 and I’ve found it very traumatic to come with as an adult (I miss him so much and I couldn’t understand where he’d gone), especially after his death.

All I can say op, is that even if you have a parental figure you still spend a lifetime wondering why you weren’t good enough for your actual parents. It must be especially hard if they go on to have more kids.

You have every right to feel the way you do. Please never think you are a drama queen. Really your therapist cousin should know better than to minimise your feelings!

I was given up for adoption when I was a few months old. Bio mother stayed with bio father and married and had a bunch of more kids.
That complicated my feelings on the matter.

My adoptive mum died when I was in my Early teens and so I lost a second mum.

My feelings about the 2 of them are so complex and the loss, rejection and wounds run deep.

I did have contact with my bio mum in my 30s but it triggered PTSD symptoms & quite frankly I did not like her. So stopped the contact. The fact she is a pain impacted on my own self esteem as I know I am a part of someone I don’t like - so hey presto that is another layer of feelings to deal with.

Even if you don’t like the person your bio mother is as an adult - the separation you went through as a baby is a trauma and will impact you for life. You can have the most wonderful and loving parents / guardians after this event but their love alone can not erase the trauma you have been through - although society expects us to be grateful and feel lucky and Live happily ever after.

You are not alone. Your feelings are valid and I do believe that therapy could help.

@BobbieT1999

My partner (my daughter's father) does everything he can to look after us both. I'm taking antidepressants and seeing a counsellor weekly. The local NHS mental health team are keeping an eye on me. Nothing is helping much. Today I was trying to think of ways to kill myself that would look like an accident so at least my daughter wouldn't feel like I'd chosen to leave her. But I know the best thing is to keep going. I'm glad to hear you got better. What helped you, if you don't mind me asking?

Aww you sound like someone I know. Her parents had her young, she was cared for by a relative who basically became her mum. But her bio mum then had other relationships and 6 (!!) other children after my friend - all of who lived with her

She's quite messed up over it tbh

I imagine it must be very hurtful and confusing, so perhaps counselling would help x

@Notgettingbetter I shall DM you so as not to derail the thread

I didn't grow up with my mum but grew up with fantastic family members. It doesn't change the fact that I missed out on my mum being a proper mum (she wasn't able to be) and I'm still sad that I missed out on it as my mum has severe MH issues and was abusive to me when I was a child. My family members weren't perfect by any stretch but they loved me.

This is completely understandable and normal. It's not about having unreasonable demands-everyone wants to know they were wanted and loved by their mother. The nurturing you received from a relative was crucial to your development and ability to form healthy relationships but it in no way removes the task you have ahead of you - answering that question 'Why did my mum not love me enough to keep me when she could keep other children? Was I not good enough?' And recognising that you were good enough and you did deserve it and the failure lay in her.

Ultimately the essential sense grief and loss do not go away, even when misplaced feelings if inadequacy and shame have been worked through. But there is peace of mind and some rest in having questions answered. And perhaps recognition that the mothering you received from your relative did go some way to creating a new parent-families can grow like that.

It is crucial that you come to be able to see your mum for what she is - a flawed person with clear fragilities and perhaps in difficult circumstances- yet to your mind, some kind of god, as parents always are. Recognising that she feels like a god to you yet acted as she is - a deeply flawed individual - might help you make sense of why you feel the way you do.

The thing is, society tells us that the person you should always be able to rely on is your Mum. Even that the person that loves you most is your Mum.

When that doesn’t happen then, no matter how good your life is otherwise, it can lead to the question of “why didn’t my mum want to be like everyone else’s Mum?” “What was different about me?”

It’s a perfectly normal thing to feel and think (obviously some people don’t, but generally it’s not a weird or bad thing to feel).

Your cousin’s comments are a prime example of why it’s unethical to counsel people you know. Therapists need that impartiality that you can’t have if you remember that Mary’s granny doted on her, or that Billy was spoiled by his adoptive parents, or that you were jealous of Sammy because they always got the Mr Frosty/Naf Naf Jacket/latest thing.

Your cousin’s comments are a prime example of why it’s unethical to counsel people you know. Therapists need that impartiality that you can’t have if you remember that Mary’s granny doted on her, or that Billy was spoiled by his adoptive parents, or that you were jealous of Sammy because they always got the Mr Frosty/Naf Naf Jacket/latest thing.

Yeah definitely, I get what you mean with this. But is the opposite not also true in a way? Like a professional therapist will never really know the full story because they are just hearing it all from my perspective?

So if my perspective is a bit wrong or has missing pieces (because I don't fully know or understand parts of my story) then the therapist will draw conclusions that could be wrong, and encourage me to feel 'wronged' or some such?

Not sure if I'm explaining correctly... It's just for example I know the rational reasons in one way, why I didn't live with my Mum. Ok fine I see why it made sense, in one way, despite not knowing some details. That's always been presented as the reasonable way for things to have gone. So I understand in a way.

But then part of me thinks well, it's quite unusual for Mums to 'settle' for that where their child is apart from them...so why didn't she try more to not be apart? I feel really terrible just typing that! I don't blame her, it's not about blame at all.

I'm not angry and I don't feel ashamed (I used to be both) it's only sadness and loss. I understand she's just a normal person with flaws, who was in a very hard situation.

I feel I will never truly understand the exact situation and why exactly things happened the way they did, but I definitely don't blame my Mum despite having those questions. I don't blame anyone. It was just a situation which unfortunately has resulted in me feeling this pain, but nobody intended that.

It isn't easy. I was taken away from my parents and that sense of sadness all the way to anger that something is/ was missing has destroyed large parts of whoever I might have been. I do very much feel the life I am in is a good positive change for what, realistically, my life would have been. But it is different and has affected who I am, it's part of my personality, a gap where my mother (in particular) wasn't.

I'd recommend counselling and allow that exploring your feelings on this is ok to do, negative or positive. Helping yourself be sure of who you are and in touch with the emotions that drive you can be very liberating. It's something to do for yourself, without guilt.

@AwesomeFishsticks

Your cousin’s comments are a prime example of why it’s unethical to counsel people you know. Therapists need that impartiality that you can’t have if you remember that Mary’s granny doted on her, or that Billy was spoiled by his adoptive parents, or that you were jealous of Sammy because they always got the Mr Frosty/Naf Naf Jacket/latest thing.

Yeah definitely, I get what you mean with this. But is the opposite not also true in a way? Like a professional therapist will never really know the full story because they are just hearing it all from my perspective?

So if my perspective is a bit wrong or has missing pieces (because I don't fully know or understand parts of my story) then the therapist will draw conclusions that could be wrong, and encourage me to feel 'wronged' or some such?

Not sure if I'm explaining correctly... It's just for example I know the rational reasons in one way, why I didn't live with my Mum. Ok fine I see why it made sense, in one way, despite not knowing some details. That's always been presented as the reasonable way for things to have gone. So I understand in a way.

But then part of me thinks well, it's quite unusual for Mums to 'settle' for that where their child is apart from them...so why didn't she try more to not be apart? I feel really terrible just typing that! I don't blame her, it's not about blame at all.

I'm not angry and I don't feel ashamed (I used to be both) it's only sadness and loss. I understand she's just a normal person with flaws, who was in a very hard situation.

I feel I will never truly understand the exact situation and why exactly things happened the way they did, but I definitely don't blame my Mum despite having those questions. I don't blame anyone. It was just a situation which unfortunately has resulted in me feeling this pain, but nobody intended that.

The job of the therapist is to help you work out the whole story, not to tell you what it was and how to feel about it.

The only way you can work through how you feel is to have someone not constantly telling you that you were wrong. A therapist will get you to explore why you feel like that and then you can work out if you are right or wrong (well, sort of, it's rarely as black and white as right and wrong).

In many ways the full story doesn't overly matter - it's about working through your feelings about your story, your memories, and your take on it to get you into a better place within yourself.

I'm an adoptive mum. My son is 17 and has been with me for 10 years. We have a strong relationship, the love is genuine, I am very much his mum.

In his early teens he struggled a lot with his story and we had therapy over several years. To be honest I am absolutley stunned with his maturity and understanding of his history. He understands why his birth parents could not keep him and that his mum in particular had a horrific childhood which impacted on her ability to care for him.
He accepts that. He knows he is part of a family that think the world of him, that he is loved and has a mum who would do anything for him. I believe he is genuinely happy in his life.

But yet there is that hole in his life, where his birth mum should be, why him, why couldnt she love him enough to change for him. He knows why, but it still hurts and the hurt runs deeply. I don't believe that hurt will ever go away entirely but he seems to be finding a way to accept.
We talk a lot, he is entitled to his feelings, as are you. its not about who or what was right or wrong, its not about apportioning blame. It happened and nothing can change that. You can't go back, but you can move forward.
I think a skilled therapist will enable you to work through this to a place where you can come to terms with it.
Good luck

I went to live with my GP's around the age of five after being taken into care and stayed with them for all of primary

My Mum did come to live with us after coming out of hospital but day to day care fell to my GP's. She moved out when she remarried and we didn't live with her for two years I til I started secondary

To be honest our relationship never developed how it should and I am. resentful that she out a man's opinions above us

@Sian73
I could have written that 🙂

So if my perspective is a bit wrong or has missing pieces (because I don't fully know or understand parts of my story) then the therapist will draw conclusions that could be wrong, and encourage me to feel 'wronged' or some such?

A therapist isn’t interested in helping you work out the 100% objective ‘truth’ or rights and wrongs of the situation. What would be the purpose of that? It’s not about who was right or wrong, it’s about your perceptions of the situation, how it made you feel, and how that has shaped the person you are today.

I feel like you are very fixated on whether your feelings are correct and whether you’re allowed to feel them, rather than accepting that they’re how you feel and that it’s perfectly OK and understandable to feel that way. It’s very sad to read. It seems like you want a definitive answer where a therapist (or indeed some strangers on Mumsnet) tell you ‘your mum didn’t do anything wrong and you can’t feel sad about anything’ and that you’re scared of confronting how you feel in case someone tells you it’s bad or wrong to feel that way. Please keep reminding yourself that feelings and emotions can’t be right or wrong, they are how you feel and no one else gets to decide whether they’re ok.