Did anyone not live with their Mum growing up? AIBU?

[AwesomeFishsticks]

This is me. We're very close though had some terrible rows in my late teens. But sometimes even many years later there's a sadness that when she went on to get married and have more children, I wasn't there with her. Her husband is a really good bloke as well, but he was never my 'dad'. I never had one of those!

I grew up with a relative I adored who adored me btw so it's not like I missed out. Hence feeling a bit of a daftie for even feeling like I missed out, in a way.

I'm tired of trying to understand why I feel this, but gosh it does still cause me hurt sometimes - I wish it wouldn't because especially when there are other big things going on emotionally, it seems to come back at me.

Can anyone relate? AIBU to feel confused or hurt over this? Do I just need to grow up and get a grip?

@GoodnightGrandma clearly said by someone who hasn’t a clue

[quote Oneforthemoneytwo]@GoodnightGrandma clearly said by someone who hasn’t a clue[/quote]
Right back at you.

I think this is entirely reasonable TBH. Many children who are adopted and have happy lives, still have that missing link to their adoptive parents. Recently there was an article about an adopted child ,and she said she was always made to feel "grateful" for being adopted! There is a biological need to be close to our birth parent thats a fact .YANBU at all! I would look into a Counsellor .If you feel uncomfortable or not happy with the first one then try another .You need somewhere to explore your feelings in depth .I think that will help you come to terms with what has happened to you .The fact is you had a good RL with your relative which is good ,but you still need to come to terms with it

missing link to bio parents i mean !

Quite simply an absent parent makes you question your self worth - what is it about me that’s so terrible my own parent couldn’t/wouldn’t be there for me.

My mum died when I was 12, OP.

I've lived with that emptiness ever since and it's massively shaped who I am now and how I behave as an adult.

There's one part of me that is very resilient and independent and another that is crumbling and traumatised. Having my own kids was so hard at first but over time they've helped me to heal. Time has done that too.

I've found pouring my love into my kids and creating the relationship with them that I'd like to have had with my mum has helped. We can't re-create what's gone - but can work with what is actually there and present now instead.

I did, op, and however wonderful the replacement parent figures are /were, it has a fundamental impact.

Could you consider getting some counselling-I’d recommended a modality like transactional analysis or similar that pays attention to primary attachment and its impact.

It’s not ‘you’ and it’s not something that can’t be resolved /allayed.

I'm reading this with interest. I have severe depression and I really struggle with my daughter. I have a lot of fantasies about suicide and about leaving to live by myself. But I know either of those would be incredibly damaging for her so I keep going. It's incredibly hard but she didn't ask to be born and I love her more than anything. I'm so sorry to everyone who's mother let them down. I hope you're all doing okay.

Thank you all for your further replies. I have to come back to this thread, because I just feel a bit lost all week. Very confused, can't understand my feelings and going round in circles.

I had thought I had resolved how I felt about things and made my peace with it all, but seems I haven't fully done so.

Also might sound silly but how does therapy really work for stuff like this? How will it help me feel somehow better?

Honestly I think I am suffering a sort of traumatic flashback at times. I get moments of feeling just complete terror and despair and alone-ness and sadness connected to the situation with my Mum (triggered by something else that's happening, which I have no control of). They don't last very long but are very strong in the moment.

I'm fine usually, and in a good long term relationship, so not sure how I'm capable of feeling so "abandoned" in those moments. So it's frustrating as hell to get these stabs but the pain is honestly very real at the time.

I'm just looking at therapists near me now...don't really know what to look for tbh. I don't know if talking can really help.

Could edmr help with feeling like I do?

Emdr rather

OP I too think your feelings incredibly valid. However happy your childhood there would still be a fundamental sense that your mother didn’t look after you. I think that can go very deep even when you don’t want it to, and it’s normal . I would feel the same no matter how loved I’d been .

I’m not adopted/fostered but I found this really informative and it might explain Some of your feelings. It mentions growing up without a birth mother as a trauma even if there hasn’t been any traumatic experiences, it’s still a bereavement or loss..

www.educating-ella.co.uk/post/a-note-to-teaching-staff-from-the-parent-of-an-adopted-child

My mum wasnt safe to look after me. I moved in my dad who didn't want me. My teens were awful. I think the damage is deep.

Honestly I think I am suffering a sort of traumatic flashback at times. I get moments of feeling just complete terror and despair and alone-ness and sadness connected to the situation with my Mum (triggered by something else that's happening, which I have no control of).

Have you read this? It’s a little heavy-going but gives so much insight, I found.

I bought that book a year ago Mamette! I just haven't faced reading it...

I lived solely with my grandparents from the age of 9 until I left home at 24.
My mum met a guy when I was 9 and left me and my sister to go live with him. They split up when I was 17 and she got her own place. My sister went to live with her but I was never even given the option!
It has caused me to have huge mental health issues as an adult and is one of the reasons I have been nc with her for years. I cant even fathom leaving my kids for some man!

My mum prioritised a series of men. I really struggle now.

Sorry, HRTFT

OP, your feelings are valid and you are absolutely not greedy. No matter how much of a motherly figure your relative / "adoptive mother" was or how much love and mothering you had received from them growing up, that person is / was not your mother. You are justified in feeling like you missed out.

Therapy would be useful in a way that they help you make sense of your feelings and help you understand why you feel the way you d. It's a guided conversation to help you process everything through various methods.

I lived with my paternal Grandparents from age 7 due to neglect and abuse. I briefly had contact with my mother when I was 14 when she was dying (my GP’s looked after her).

When I started trying for a baby with my ex, and then when my girls were born is when I struggled the most because it was the time I understood my parents the least.

Therapy was a godsend

I grew up with my mum at home but she left my dad while I was in my first year of university. It was incredibly hard going home for holidays etc and not having her there. Even though I was an ‘adult’ technically I wasn’t really at all, and there were so many times I just wanted my mum but didn’t feel like I could turn to her. So I can only imagine how it must have been for you, I’m sorry. My younger siblings didn’t have her there for the rest of their childhoods either and it was really hard. I think we all felt like we had to grow up so much faster than we should have, which I imagine might be how you felt too.

I have had some counselling recently and it has really helped me. The older I get and now that I’m married myself, the more I feel like I can empathise with how my mum might have been feeling, and why she did what she did. It took me a long time to get there though.

I am sorry you feel this way and hope you are able to talk through all these feelings with someone

[quote Waterlemon]I’m not adopted/fostered but I found this really informative and it might explain Some of your feelings. It mentions growing up without a birth mother as a trauma even if there hasn’t been any traumatic experiences, it’s still a bereavement or loss..

www.educating-ella.co.uk/post/a-note-to-teaching-staff-from-the-parent-of-an-adopted-child[/quote]
I'm just reading this link, it's very interesting.

But the thing is I always did have a safe primary caregiver? From the start? It's just my Mum moved away then but I saw her mostly every weekend.

So does that mean I don't really have an excuse to feel like I do?

I know people are saying I'm not being U, but I feel like maybe I am.

I think you have a right to feel upset and hurt. Oh and if she needs help as she ages, don't lift a finger for her.

• But the thing is I always did have a safe primary caregiver? From the start? It's just my Mum moved away then but I saw her mostly every weekend.

So does that mean I don't really have an excuse to feel like I do?

I know people are saying I'm not being U, but I feel like maybe I am.*

This is exactly the kind of thing that a therapist would be able to unpack with you and I think that would be really helpful. You’re trying to rationalise these feelings and telling yourself you don’t have excuses to feel that way, but of course you do. No matter how safe your guardians made you feel, you are still 100% valid to feel confused or upset about why someone wasn’t there for you who really should have been.

It breaks my heart to hear you saying you don’t think you have a right to feel the way you do and I really really encourage you to talk it through with someone.

I did the same thing for years, I pushed down every little bit of emotion and told myself I was so lucky and privileged that I had nothing to be upset about. I can now see that things that happened in my life really did impact on me and I’m not wrong or ungrateful to feel the way I do.

My cousin who I was once very close to, is a trained therapist. So would be very knowledgeable about psychology.

She once sort of commented as if I was being a bit U when I was going through a bad time in my life about my relationship with my Mum - it felt like it was grieving something in a way. Her opinion was sort of that as I'd had a maternal relationship with somebody else, I could not expect to have had that with my Mum as well and was almost being a bit unfair on her to be sad about it.

That conversation keeps coming back to me and making me feel a bit of a drama queen.