AIBU or are my kids awful

[legalseagull]

I'm so hurt. I have a 3yo DD and 2yo DS. They're amazing kids (obviously)

Last Christmas we spent it at my mum and step dads. Three nights. At that point the kids were JUST turned 3 and 1. Both were terrible sleepers. My eldest was also in the terrible 2's. Plus it was Christmas and a year of lockdown so the first time staying away. so over excited and stimulated. That being said, I don't think they were too bad. The break ended in the biggest argument I've ever had with my mum though. After days of little digs every time one of the whinged or tantrummed (for example when 1yo got upset that her dog stole his toy), it came to a end when they were screaming not to go to bed. They kept opening the bedroom door and shouting to come down. DH went up to calm them and DM started her "no wonder they cry if you pander / spoiling / lack discipline routine.

Fast forward to last weekend. We went again for three nights (they live far away). They're now a year older and generally much happier and calmer. All weekend they were brilliant in my view. A delight. On the last day they were obviously shattered, falling asleep etc. Step dad made Sunday lunch and the kids wouldn't eat it. "No. Don't want it". They also both threw admittedly huge tantrums when trying to leave. Thankfully my mum seems to have learnt to bite her lip. Step dad however started saying how he "didn't envy us. Kids playing up. Lacking discipline. Naughty at dinner. You need to do X Y Z"

AIBU to think they're pretty normal kids and it's just their ages, and being so close in age meaning they wind each other up?! I'm so upset that my parents ignore the 3 days of wonderful behaviour and just judge and criticise me for the bad. We don't feel welcome there at all. As soon as the kids whinge or strop I instantly feel judged and then get told all the things I'm doing wrong.

No, of course your are not BU, kids that age are bloody hard work. My parents let mine get away with a heck of a lot more than I would- isn’t that what grandparents do? (Or should do in my opinion)
Hard, but shrug it off and be glad you don’t have to go too often I suppose.

They've just really made me feel like I'm doing something wrong. I'm not in complete denial, they can be bloody hard work and the tantrum they threw at home time was horrific. Surely refusing to eat and go to bed is normal toddler behaviour though. I used to be so close to my mum but since having kids our relationship has taken a dive.

In my experience, some people with grown up children become very selective about how their children behaved when they were young and what sort of parent they were.

We are also programmed to forget all the difficult bits and focus on the good bits!

My parents love their grandchildren to bits and are actually very supportive, but I know they get a bit worn out with the noise as they are not used to it.

It will get easier op. Your children don't sound unusual to me. It might be easier for the parents to come to you perhaps while they are so young.

Tbh the first time OP you did well taking both kids. Kids play up when they are not in their own home and 3 days is a long time.

Why are you doing all the trailing? Don't bother doing Xmas Dinner at your mother's. Stay in your own house with your own kids.

Book your own accommodation when visiting so DM and SD can visit when they want and any tantrums your kids will naturally have can be done in your own house. I have to share with PIL and i find the stress of that outweighs any holiday pleasure. You are trying so hard to keep an eye, watch of any building tantrums that you're exhausted.

I did find this year with my children a year older that the tantrums were less, my stress was less but I'd still rather have my own place.

I don’t think your kids sound awful I think it sounds like normal toddler behaviour and your parents have forgotten what having young kids is like! Staying with people is hell, you get to witness all the warts and all behaviour up close. Don’t stay with them in future, then at least you can retreat somewhere else when required!

All totally normal. I’d second the advice not to schlep to theirs, travelling is hugely wearing on kids that age.

Stay at home for Christmas, the children will be better in their normal surroundings and you will not be living on your nerves.

I would expect them to sit at the table and eat some of what is in front of them unless it very spicy or unusual.
We did that with our kids who have turned into right foodies .

Your parents expect too much of your very young children.

My DS, even when a toddler, very rarely fussed or misbehaved during meals at my parents. This was not because he was an angel child by any means but because my DM cooked meals she knew he would eat (think pizza, pasta and cheese), sat him at table just long enough to eat his food and then he could go and play with the toys in the corner while the adults had their meal in peace. Now he's 4, he quite enjoys sitting and chatting but is still allowed to go and play or watch TV after a bit if he prefers.

Your sd sounds like a cock, ignore

Sounds like normal children to me. I second staying somewhere else to have some breathing space

It sounds like they've completely forgotten what it's like to have very young children.

Op people always throw in comments they should kind their own businesses. They get a snap shot of your ife and they are not used to being a round small dc.

Hearing echos of FIL reading this. His was that he was glad they lived far away and he didn't have to see the DC more often. Of course he only said things like this when STBXH was out of the house.

YANBU, your DC are little kids that's all. Would I be right in thinking your stepdad like my FIL had very little involvement with children?

Babies HORRIFY me and I had my own not so long ago.

People forget what it’s like to have children of a certain age and automatically think they’d do amazingly in your place.

You’re doing NOTHING wrong. Little kids are AWFUL. They don’t reason, they don’t rationalise, they don’t behave, they are miniature little narcissists who know EXACTLY what they want and woe betide anyone who gets in their way.

They are like that now, they were like that in the 90’s, 80’s, 70’s….. they don’t eventually grow out of it. Their parents TEACH them how to be nice and how to behave etc.

Your kids are better behaved this time? Fucking go you! You taught them that!

Ignore your mum and step dad. Raising kids is a different world now. When we were little we didn’t cry at bedtime, if we did we got shouted at/smacked and put back to bed. Your kids know you’ll come and listen when they cry.

They don’t like a roast dinner? Often we had to sit at the table until we cleared our plates.

Parenting is different at every generation and because it differs from how your parents raised you don’t let them convince you you’re doing it ‘wrong’.

Would you put a baby face down in a cot surrounded by bumpers covered in a woollen blanket? No. Because times and parenting and ‘what’s best’ changes.

You do you, parent your kids however you want and fuck what anyone else thinks.

Hate to break it to you OP, but your kids are indeed awful - as are mine who are the same age and all the other kids I know

My mum insists I never tantrummed at 2 or 3. I smile and nod, because frankly we all know that's bs!

Keep the visits to a minimum for a while until the kids are older and better able to cope.

Parents also develop selective memories.

My mum laughs fondly how I would ‘jiggly jelly’ whenever I didn’t want to do something. This entailed me lying flat on the floor and refusing to move and deadening all my limbs so I couldn’t be picked up.

It drove them MENTAL and I vividly remember being DRAGGED out of Osborne House on the Isle of Wight by my dad before having the bottom smacked off me and being thrown into the back of our Ford Escort before being left in there until they’d finished their day trip.

That is remembered as one of our favourite childhood holidays. The smacking incident forgotten. Memory fails us, as it clearly has failed your mum.

She’s forgotten when you had roasts when you were little she cooked you sausages and boiled new potatoes.

She’s forgotten the fact she didn’t leave the house overnight until you were five because you didn’t sleep through, she’s forgotten that she used to have to pack chocolate buttons every time you went on a walk because you’d cry your legs are tired.

Times change, children don’t. Pay neither of them any mind

It sounds as if the DC were pretty awful last year, and your DM and her DH then made up their minds it would be the same this time, and didn't question their assumptions when the reality was different.

I also think your DSF probably doesn't feel a grandparental bond, and is less tolerant because of this.

If you are confident that your and your DH's parenting is fine and the DC are just acting their ages, ignore the criticism. And don't go to stay with them if it wears everyone out - explain why if your DM complains.

Yeh your children just sound like normal children who are overwhelmed and excited. I wouldn’t listen to your parents, everyone who doesn’t have kids at that stage of life are perfect parents 🙄

My friends dad claims their children never had a tantrum, their mum told me a story of them (all 3) having a simultaneous tantrum which included vomiting, bloodshed and the neighbours phoning the police because they thought she was getting murdered. Happy days!

Small children are both delightful and utterly relentless and, once you are past that stage, you do forget how much effort was involved and how they howl over (to us) the least little thing.

Your kids are perfectly normal, so are your parents. Maybe shorter visits or meet for the day halfway or meet on your turf so that the kids are less unsettled? But the truth is, of course they are going to play up or cry or behave badly sometimes - they are tiny children. Doesnt mean there is anything wrong with then or your parenting.

My parents are exactly the same, and actually have tried to discipline my kids themselves when they feel I'm not doing it 'their way'. It's hard, I've always been a bit of a people pleaser, but I've made the conscious decision recently not to give a crap about the constant digs and just carry on regardless. Doesn't stop me feeling like shit though about it.

My parents definitely have selective memories about when their kids were young!

My mum insists I never tantrummed at 2 or 3. I smile and nod, because frankly we all know that's bs!

I would sort of love this. Whatever atrocity DS commits, my DM laughs and says "Ha! That's NOTHING! You were much worse than that!". Which I am certain is untrue.

I agree with everyone else that they've forgotten what children that age are like. I think part of the problem is that things all get rolled up a bit in memory as time passes, so people with grown-up children remember 0-5 without a clear memory of what was when. I remember my mum telling a story that she insisted was about me at 18 months but it was just completely clear I was much older because of the level of speech she was describing. People think they're remembering their children as 2 year olds but they're actually thinking about the Christmas they turned 5, and that's why they didn't behave like a 2 year old...