AIBU or are my kids awful

[legalseagull]

I'm so hurt. I have a 3yo DD and 2yo DS. They're amazing kids (obviously)

Last Christmas we spent it at my mum and step dads. Three nights. At that point the kids were JUST turned 3 and 1. Both were terrible sleepers. My eldest was also in the terrible 2's. Plus it was Christmas and a year of lockdown so the first time staying away. so over excited and stimulated. That being said, I don't think they were too bad. The break ended in the biggest argument I've ever had with my mum though. After days of little digs every time one of the whinged or tantrummed (for example when 1yo got upset that her dog stole his toy), it came to a end when they were screaming not to go to bed. They kept opening the bedroom door and shouting to come down. DH went up to calm them and DM started her "no wonder they cry if you pander / spoiling / lack discipline routine.

Fast forward to last weekend. We went again for three nights (they live far away). They're now a year older and generally much happier and calmer. All weekend they were brilliant in my view. A delight. On the last day they were obviously shattered, falling asleep etc. Step dad made Sunday lunch and the kids wouldn't eat it. "No. Don't want it". They also both threw admittedly huge tantrums when trying to leave. Thankfully my mum seems to have learnt to bite her lip. Step dad however started saying how he "didn't envy us. Kids playing up. Lacking discipline. Naughty at dinner. You need to do X Y Z"

AIBU to think they're pretty normal kids and it's just their ages, and being so close in age meaning they wind each other up?! I'm so upset that my parents ignore the 3 days of wonderful behaviour and just judge and criticise me for the bad. We don't feel welcome there at all. As soon as the kids whinge or strop I instantly feel judged and then get told all the things I'm doing wrong.

Your kids so like very normal typical children ,my mum is the same any “naughty” behavior from the kids straight away it’s my fault, it’s not the fact that they are just very young children it’s my fault for doing something with the was I raise them

I just dragged my 2yr old around IKEA, a few fireman lifts, quite a bit of yelling and writhing, bolting and general pain in the assedness. Small children are horrific. I sat there and wondered why I hadn’t got a goldfish instead - I coulda loved a goldfish like I love a human child.

I often feel like it’s just me failing at parenting, but it’s nice to see that everyone elses toddlers are equally awful.

If you have the head space, gently ask your step father in front of your DP and DM about how he'd discipline a one year old if it your DC is lacking discipline. Has he ever been involved hands in raising a baby?

Ignore and enjoy your time with your children.

My sister has kids like this. It can be annoying to be around them and we do have the odd whine about her / them behind closed doors. It's just us blowing off steam. I always regret it afterwards though and would feel terrible if she found out. I think they are being terribly unfair. You are doing your best. They sound like nice kids.

It depends. Obviously you have to be understanding of age, but you also have to put some age appropriate boundaries in place at 2 and 3 yrs old. I know some mums that never say no to their kids, and they let them run riot. I’m sure your DCs are lovely, but people on the outside looking in can sometimes see lack of discipline, and where friends etc won’t say anything, family tend to speak out and offer (sometimes unwanted) advice.

Little kids are awful. And also brilliant.

Your parents aren't being unreasonable in finding it too much - 3 days of poor sleeping, tantrums, fussy eating and winding each other up is far too much for people not used to being around toddlers. Hell, my inlays were exhausted by an afternoon with our lot.

In future - despite the distance - make shorter visits for everyone's sake.

You're doing nothing wrong. Your kids will become better behaved as they grow and your parents will find them easier.

@Yourstupidityexhaustsme

Babies HORRIFY me and I had my own not so long ago.

People forget what it’s like to have children of a certain age and automatically think they’d do amazingly in your place.

You’re doing NOTHING wrong. Little kids are AWFUL. They don’t reason, they don’t rationalise, they don’t behave, they are miniature little narcissists who know EXACTLY what they want and woe betide anyone who gets in their way.

They are like that now, they were like that in the 90’s, 80’s, 70’s….. they don’t eventually grow out of it. Their parents TEACH them how to be nice and how to behave etc.

Your kids are better behaved this time? Fucking go you! You taught them that!

Ignore your mum and step dad. Raising kids is a different world now. When we were little we didn’t cry at bedtime, if we did we got shouted at/smacked and put back to bed. Your kids know you’ll come and listen when they cry.

They don’t like a roast dinner? Often we had to sit at the table until we cleared our plates.

Parenting is different at every generation and because it differs from how your parents raised you don’t let them convince you you’re doing it ‘wrong’.

Would you put a baby face down in a cot surrounded by bumpers covered in a woollen blanket? No. Because times and parenting and ‘what’s best’ changes.

You do you, parent your kids however you want and fuck what anyone else thinks.

All this. Again and again.

They sound pretty normal to me - my close friend has grandchildren the same age.

I think people forget and reach a point where they get very set in their ways. My parents are hard to visit now and the trick to a successful trip is taking the children out somewhere so we’ll generally go of an evening, go for a morning out, have lunch and a few hours with my parents and then leave the house again before dinner. We all need a break from each other tbh.

I find it very annoying that some people seem to think you can discipline a child out of tantrums, if only it were that simple.

There can be huge differences between the tolerance levels for DC behaviour between the generations. To many older people, today's DC can seem poorly behaved because ideas around discipline have changed. The more suthitarian approach taken in the past often tended to result in more compliant DC, who were obedient through fear. Obviously no one today thinks that is remotely ok, but the trade off, if you like, are more spirited DC than older people are used to. You're doing nothing wrong OP, but its not unusual for your parents generation to be critical.

This is so familiar to me OP! We have exactly the same issues and arguments when we visit my mum and it’s quite hard not to take it personally.

I think lockdown has made it worse as she’s so used to her own space, peace and quiet, a tidy house etc etc. Last time we visited she point blank refused to put any of her precious ornaments out of toddler height and then shouted at the 1 year old anytime he touched them (and told me he was old enough to respect other people’s things). She also couldn’t cope with mealtime tantrums and ANY food dropping on her (laminate!!) kitchen floor even though we always cleaned it afterwards.

She’s much more relaxed when she stays with us so we’ve invited her over for Christmas. It means hosting everyone but that feels easier than the emotional drain that is constantly being made to feel like a terrible parent. I don’t know if that could be a solution for you?

Solidarity either way. YANBU. Your children sound very typical and tantrums are just a developmental phase - no reflection on you as a parent (or so I tell myself!!).

I think as we get older we forget what bloody hard work toddlers are. Your kids just sound like normal toddlers to me.

@legalseagull

They've just really made me feel like I'm doing something wrong. I'm not in complete denial, they can be bloody hard work and the tantrum they threw at home time was horrific. Surely refusing to eat and go to bed is normal toddler behaviour though. I used to be so close to my mum but since having kids our relationship has taken a dive.

I feel the same op. I thought having children would make me feel closer but it drove a wedge between us. Mine I figure just isn't tolerant of kids. She never Waa as I grew up and that extends to my children. She'll say I never behaved terribly and finds small children exhausting. I now don't stay there if I visit. Keep visits short etc.

You're children sound normal op. Try to separate people's judgement from what's really happening.

Some great autocorrect in that post. Your not you're.
I hate tech

Reminds me of my mum.. She came to live with me and dp when we had teenagers who liked to disagree about everything. She took great pleasure in telling us that she couldn't remember me being anywhere near as bad... Until I reminded her of my own expulsion from school!! I would take it all with a pinch of salt, older people can have very selective memories in my experience!

@5128gap

There can be huge differences between the tolerance levels for DC behaviour between the generations. To many older people, today's DC can seem poorly behaved because ideas around discipline have changed. The more suthitarian approach taken in the past often tended to result in more compliant DC, who were obedient through fear. Obviously no one today thinks that is remotely ok, but the trade off, if you like, are more spirited DC than older people are used to. You're doing nothing wrong OP, but its not unusual for your parents generation to be critical.

This is true. We were whalloped as children at the slightest misdemeanour. So yes we might have looked better behaved. I wasn't when I grew up though, I was sneaky instead Older generation can see talking to children as a waste of time and indulgent when it comes to discipline.

Sounds as if your mum has rose tinted glasses or was more authoritarian as were many parents including mine. Did your sd have a family to know what really young children are like? It doesn’t much sound like it or perhaps he was not actively involved.

I think selective memory is one of Nature's ways of ensuring the continuance of the human race!
I heard somebody once say that little ones are naturally cute (to their parents at least) because otherwise the fury they can stir up could be disastrous!
Similarly, it is in the character of most good-natured people to remember the good bits of their past. If they didn't, "Never again!" might come into play.
It fascinates me that very few of us have any memories of the really early part of our lives, yet the baby and toddler stage is the most formative period in our lives.
Your children sound perfectly normal, and the fact that they are improving shows that you are steering them in the right direction; well done for that!
My late DF, a lovely, kind man, used to have a gentle joke (he was actually delightful with small children.) "Bye bye dear, see you again when you're 21!"

I’m surprised you spent so long together last Xmas. Was very glad the Covid rules meant we should stay at home.

I recommend avoiding long trips at someone else’s house if you have poor sleepers, it’s not fun for anyone

@LunaAndHerMoonDragons

Hearing echos of FIL reading this. His was that he was glad they lived far away and he didn't have to see the DC more often. Of course he only said things like this when STBXH was out of the house.

YANBU, your DC are little kids that's all. Would I be right in thinking your stepdad like my FIL had very little involvement with children?

Yes very little involvement with his own kids. He had a SAHW looking after them

Your DC were overtired and over stimulated and acted out a bit on the last day.

Your SD was overtired and over stimulated and acted out a bit on the last day.

He has less of an excuse, as he has had more time to work on his emotional regulation.

But I think that's what happened 👴👶

@Boombastic22

I’m surprised you spent so long together last Xmas. Was very glad the Covid rules meant we should stay at home.

I recommend avoiding long trips at someone else’s house if you have poor sleepers, it’s not fun for anyone

They're not poor sleepers now. They went straight to bed, no fuss and slept until 630. A HUGE improvement from last year.

Thank you everyone you've really made me feel better. I'll try to take it less personally. DM is judgemental about lots of things, I'm just not used to being on the receiving end and I obviously feel fiercely protective of my kids.

@CactusLemonSpice

Your DC were overtired and over stimulated and acted out a bit on the last day.

Your SD was overtired and over stimulated and acted out a bit on the last day.

He has less of an excuse, as he has had more time to work on his emotional regulation.

But I think that's what happened 👴👶

This is so true. I'll try to give him a bit of slack too.

I'm so glad posters have been so supportive.

Of course your children are not awful. Your parents' comments are, however. I don't know why some people have to be so unkind, sure way to create distance.

Please tell us you won't go there for Christmas.