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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About BIL and SIL

106 replies

IDontLikeMondays88 · 12/11/2021 21:03

My BIL and SIL live in Canada. We’ve not seen them for two years due to the pandemic.
BIL and SIL recently told us they intend to spend a month in Europe over the summer and invited us and my MIL and FIL to join them for a week in a specific country. Although it was never specifically discussed I assumed we would rent a house together or perhaps apartments in the same block or something like that.
However BIL and SIL have now booked an apartment in a resort for themselves without any discussion with the rest of the family as to the choice of resort of accommodation. They’ve just booked and now expect us to fall into line and book the same resort and accommodation. In fact they expect us to share with MIL and FIL while they stay in a separate apartment. I don’t mind staying with MIL and FIL but think it’s odd/bordering on rude that we are expected to stay with MIL and FIL but they want to be separate. The resort isn’t what I would pick. The accommodation also isn’t what I’d pick - serveral reviews say it is not accessible when we have a 2 year old (ie are going to have to carry a buggy up and down lots of stairs) and FIL has a disabled badge. MIL also has problems
walking.
AiBU to be pissed off by this? I feel it’s thoughtless at best. I also feel a bit like they don’t want us to come on their trip (but they invited us🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️)

OP posts:
WeAreTheHeroes · 13/11/2021 09:52

If they wanted to see family, they'd see family and bolt a holiday somewhere in Europe onto that, not book a month long tour and ask family along for a week. You've got to ask are they inviting you and PIL as they feel obliged to and have booked unsuitable accommodation so that if anyone objects they can say, "you don't have to come, we thought it would be nice" when they've no intention of actually seeing you all.

PikachuAndMe · 13/11/2021 10:19

Do you want to see them and do you want to holiday in the area they are in? Then find somewhere near to them where the accommodation suits you and PiL better.

Ponoka7 · 13/11/2021 10:29

" should be aware that my PIL have mobility issues"

If someone isn't telling them, they might not realise. It's been two years since they've seen PIL, they would have aged in that time. I know when I took my GM to a family funeral, relatives were shocked how much she had aged in about a year. Perhaps they are also thinking that in years to come they will have to come to the UK, so don't want to holiday with your PILs why they can. With the unpredictability of our weather, I wouldn't choose to come here.

TractorAndHeadphones · 13/11/2021 10:45

Why is the IL’s ‘inviting’ you along on the holiday supposed to be generous seeing as all it involves from them is saying ‘hey wanna join us’? They’re not taking on any of the planning, or mental load of ensuring that PIL have everything they need.

If you don’t confirm a strict itinerary you may find that they think ‘visiting’ = having 1 meal a day with you + PIL and that’s it. And the rest of your holiday will be you and DP entertaining PIL while they enjoy themselves.

I’m from the other side of the world and go back at least once a year. I’d take some responsibility for organising if I’d ‘invited’ people I wouldn’t just expect them to turn up and sort themselves out.

MattDamon · 13/11/2021 12:18

I had something similar happen and we just booked a much nicer place nearby. Glad we did, as they bloody moaned the whole time about how shit their accommodation was. Grin

Original poster
IDontLikeMondays88 · 13/11/2021 12:24

@Skiptheheartsandflowers no they are not coming to the U.K. they want PIL to meet them in Europe. PIL will not have seen their grandchildren for 3 years by that point so I expect will go.

OP posts:
Original poster
IDontLikeMondays88 · 13/11/2021 12:29

@Sparkai before we could suggest anything they had already booked their place 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
IDontLikeMondays88 · 13/11/2021 12:31

Thanks for all the thoughts which I’m grateful for - views are pretty split. Some people would feel the same as me others think it’s fine.
I think I am going to ask HQ to delete this thread now as worried it gets picked up somewhere!

OP posts:
Original poster
IDontLikeMondays88 · 13/11/2021 12:33

Re our lack of being organised - it was mentioned for the first time maybe a week ago and then suddenly booked so we really haven’t had a chance to even think about it much tbh

OP posts:
Skiptheheartsandflowers · 13/11/2021 12:37

@IDontLikeMondays88

Re our lack of being organised - it was mentioned for the first time maybe a week ago and then suddenly booked so we really haven’t had a chance to even think about it much tbh
That's not enough time to discuss options. It sounds more and more as though they want to be able to say they met up with family, but not to incur any inconvenience themselves in doing so.

I would be inclined to put the cat among the pigeons by saying 'we may not be able to come, so it's best you book somewhere you can fit PILs into as well, and don't forget they're not all that mobile'. See what they say to that.

Original poster
IDontLikeMondays88 · 13/11/2021 12:39

@TractorAndHeadphones yes this is exactly what I think is going to happen. There is mention of hiring a car to visit various attractions that aren’t suitable for my 2 year old eg theme park that sort of thing. I think we will be on holiday with PILs and they will see us occasionally.

OP posts:
Pumpkinsonparade · 13/11/2021 13:30

Maybe they have felt you all haven't been as enthusiastic as they expected!!
Do they usually expect people to be grateful to see them?

lockdownalli · 13/11/2021 13:43

I don't understand why you can't just book different accommodation, separate from PILS and BIL/SIL but nearby?

timeisnotaline · 13/11/2021 13:53

Jfc @ittakes2 in my family we’d have moved into sisters suite, said if you guys need two lots of accomm one of you is in the staff apartments, here are your bags, off you fuck.

MerryMarigold · 13/11/2021 14:17

@lockdownalli

I don't understand why you can't just book different accommodation, separate from PILS and BIL/SIL but nearby?
A. Because it'll mean OP's family is then holidaying with the PIL.

B. Because it makes meeting up to spend time etc. more challenging than if you're in the same location (let's bear in mind the PIL haven't seen grandchildren for 3 years).

C. Because they have not only dictated the country everyone needs to meet in, but now also the location within that country, rather than mutually agreeing something. What if OPs family don't want to go that town or resort or area? It's utterly self absorbed.

TakeMe2Insanity · 13/11/2021 14:24

@IDontLikeMondays88

They have children although their children are past the buggy stage. They should be aware that my PIL have mobility issues 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think what I am not sure about is whether it is just thoughtlessness or whether in fact they don’t want us to join them (or perhaps one of them doesn’t want us to join them). If it’s the latter then I’d rather spend our money going where we want to go.

It could just be that because MIL/FIL are not regularly in their line of sight their limitations aren’t in the forefront of their minds.

Could they have booked their accommodation so that their trip is booked and then you can decide later?

Personally I’d look for the best accommodation close to not necessarily in the same complex. Explain to inlaws the limitations of their accommodation and ask IF they would still like to join. It sounds like your bil/sil want a holiday where they do their own thing and occasionally meet up rather than all the time. So, if you do go your MIL/FIL are your responsibility or totally by themselves.

Original poster
IDontLikeMondays88 · 13/11/2021 14:24

To be honest we haven’t really had time to be enthusiastic - they mentioned it a week ago and we have a 18 month old 😅
But when they mentioned it we immediately said we would be up for it!

OP posts:
Sh05 · 13/11/2021 14:26

If it's a place your not keen on then let the pils go and just bow out yourselves. It seems like you'll get lumped with pils anyway so unless that's the kind of holiday you had in mind just let everyone know you're not going.
I'd not spend money on a holiday to somewhere I wasn't going to enjoy.

MadeItOut21 · 13/11/2021 14:27

Your BIL and SIL are being very unreasonable. I say this as someone who also moved an 11 hour flight from Europe. I have a few times suggested a holiday together in Europe rather than go home (because it's my holiday too and don't want to spend it on my mum's sofa all the time) but it was always in a mutually agreed location that everyone was excited to see and in accommodation that was discussed and decided as a group.

They don't give a fuck about seeing you. You will see them for dinner 2-3 times and the rest of the time holidaying with PIL in a location you didn't choose. I would bail.

Original poster
IDontLikeMondays88 · 13/11/2021 14:34

The resort they’ve chosen is a particularly quiet resort - you kind of need a car to explore. Me and DH don’t really want to drive abroad, we’ve never done it. PIL haven’t driven abroad for like 20 years.
So it just not somewhere I would choose. I would choose somewhere with more going on within the actual resort on the basis we don’t want to hire a car. However if we don’t stay at the same resort we might hardly see them so why bother going really. Also PIL are desperate to see the grandchildren. So in theory yes we could go to a different resort and “it’s not a summons” but in practical terms we will end up having to stay at that resort or we may as well not bother.

BIL and SIL and their children have actually never met my child as he’s a pandemic baby.

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 13/11/2021 14:41

I think you should ask PIL if they would like to go without you.

Crunchymum · 13/11/2021 14:54

Is there nowhere more suitable to meet them whilst they are in Europe?

A different part of their trip? Even if its just for a few days (if its a more suitable location for you then you and your family can stay on there for a bit?)

madisonbridges · 13/11/2021 15:01

Very rude. I don't think it's thoughtless because I bet they actually thought about it and thats why they made the decision to have their own place.

I rarely agree with the anti family sentiment that is prevalent on MN and try to bend over backwards to see all sides but, honestly, if this was my sibling (as opposed to my husbands), they would have had a real earbashing. It's not that I have a problem staying with my parents or ILs, but the idea of the trip os for BIL and SIL to spend time with their parents, not you, who spend lots of time with them already.

Honestly, hurtful and rude.

TractorAndHeadphones · 13/11/2021 15:11

@MadeItOut21

Your BIL and SIL are being very unreasonable. I say this as someone who also moved an 11 hour flight from Europe. I have a few times suggested a holiday together in Europe rather than go home (because it's my holiday too and don't want to spend it on my mum's sofa all the time) but it was always in a mutually agreed location that everyone was excited to see and in accommodation that was discussed and decided as a group.

They don't give a fuck about seeing you. You will see them for dinner 2-3 times and the rest of the time holidaying with PIL in a location you didn't choose. I would bail.

This OP. I know the kind of resort you mean and it's a ballache (unless you hire someone to drive you around). And even 'normal' trips are stressful with a young child + elderly people with mobility issues. If you end up going you won't be having a holiday at all!

Also don't you think PIL will be hurt by going all the way there only to not see their DGC as much as they'd hoped? I'd honestly arrange a Zoom call or similar to discuss expectations of this trip and what all parties expect. Up to now it seems that plans have been kept delibrately vague.

Chocolatewheatos · 13/11/2021 15:36

I wouldn't go. They don't seem to actually want to see you. Just that they feel a bit awkward that they're coming close after so long not visiting and still not visiting so have invited you to also holiday in the same place while not actually making any effort to compromise or work with you.