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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About BIL and SIL

106 replies

IDontLikeMondays88 · 12/11/2021 21:03

My BIL and SIL live in Canada. We’ve not seen them for two years due to the pandemic.
BIL and SIL recently told us they intend to spend a month in Europe over the summer and invited us and my MIL and FIL to join them for a week in a specific country. Although it was never specifically discussed I assumed we would rent a house together or perhaps apartments in the same block or something like that.
However BIL and SIL have now booked an apartment in a resort for themselves without any discussion with the rest of the family as to the choice of resort of accommodation. They’ve just booked and now expect us to fall into line and book the same resort and accommodation. In fact they expect us to share with MIL and FIL while they stay in a separate apartment. I don’t mind staying with MIL and FIL but think it’s odd/bordering on rude that we are expected to stay with MIL and FIL but they want to be separate. The resort isn’t what I would pick. The accommodation also isn’t what I’d pick - serveral reviews say it is not accessible when we have a 2 year old (ie are going to have to carry a buggy up and down lots of stairs) and FIL has a disabled badge. MIL also has problems
walking.
AiBU to be pissed off by this? I feel it’s thoughtless at best. I also feel a bit like they don’t want us to come on their trip (but they invited us🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️)

OP posts:

Riv · 13/11/2021 08:43

If they have not seen you or the in laws for a while, they may not realise just how difficult their mobility issues are. Things always fade in severity at a distance. And it’s easy to forget how cumbersome a buggy is and what a two year old is really like! Maybe the difficulties have increased in the last few years as well? Was your DC a baby when you last saw them and so more “portable” (lighter and with smaller equipment) ?

Sparkai · 13/11/2021 08:46

I would assume that they want to see you, but not go on holiday with you, ie you will catch up with each other frequently during the week, but not be joined at the hip.

Did you suggest all getting a villa together? Perhaps that's why they are suggesting you share with PIL, they think sharing is your preference?

burnoutbabe · 13/11/2021 09:07

Do you even want to go to this European destination on this particular week?

If you wouldn't normally go there just say it doesn't work for you? Why pay lots to go somewhere you don't want to go to visit people who aren't fussed if they see you or not?

Not visiting their parents In the uk but insisting they travel to another country, when a pandemic is still going on, just seems rude/ bizarre.

RampantIvy · 13/11/2021 09:08

They've invited you to join them because they'd love to see you. But you have the flexibility to bok the accommodation that suits you. You don't have to be in each other's pockets.

This ^^

I'd hate to all be staying in the same accommodation for a week - looks like they would too.

And this ^^

TBH I think you are over thinking this and making a massive mountain out of a non existent molehill.
If you want to see them go to the same resort and book different accommodation, if you don't then stay at home.

DH and I would never share holiday accommodation with anyone else, but would be happy to meet up with people we know/family once there.

TractorAndHeadphones · 13/11/2021 09:09

Unless they’ve booked a resort in an out of the way place where there’s little choice then I don’t see anything wrong?
I do think it poor of them though to not visit their elderly parents in the U.K. and make them travel.

MerryMarigold · 13/11/2021 09:15

The siblings need to talk to each other, or the parents talk to their child. Yes, I'd be very annoyed. It's selfish and thoughtless and not how families work together. I would just get them to ask, "Do you really want us there?" If the answer is 'yes' then "Why didn't you consult us on where would be a good place for all of us?". I would then say this doesn't work for you so options are to stay off the resort or not go.

Last year my parents paid for our family and Dsis family to go away, all together. They chose something without consulting us and I was annoyed even though they were paying! It's still our summer holiday so it's nice to have a say in the location and accommodation.

TulipsTwoLips · 13/11/2021 09:16

I think they definitely want to see you.

I think they've been really selfish though, making sure it suited them but not everyone else.

ittakes2 · 13/11/2021 09:19

I think its not so much getting over it - its more finding your voice to express this accommodation doesn't suit you. You are upset because you feel your choice has been taken away from you. If you take back control you will feel better.
My family live all over the place and we did once try and meet in cheap tropical holiday destination for my dad's 65th birthday. This place was only a few hours flight for most of my family but for us it was over 12 hours. My dad was paying for the accommodation and we let my sister choose the house because she had two small children and she did show us her choice and we were happy with what she chose. Going were my parents, us 3 sisters, plus our respective partners and children and the house had 4 giant suites over looking the pool and they had outdoor ensuites and rainwater. These suite were so big they were like appartments. And I had assumed each family would each have one of these giant suites and we were really looking forward to a relaxing holiday.
But the day before the holiday started, my sister announced her husband was taking one suite with one child and she was staying in a suite alone with her baby (because of his sleep issues) and myself and my family (2 adults and 2 older kids) were being put in the old staff quarters in a completely separate building onsite. The whole staff quarters was smaller than the suite my sister was staying in with her baby. In fact - I think the staff quarters were a similar size to her outdoor bathroom. And when we got there the staff quarters had a sewage issue and we spent the whole holiday in stinky air.
I should have just moved without fuss the first night to another hotel. But I was worried doing so would upset my dad whose birthday it was an instead I tried not to make an issue of it. But by the end of the trip my relationship with my sister was not great. At one point she walked into the staff quarters to declare she didn't think they stunk as much as I was saying they did. She really couldn't get why I was upset that all the rest of the family were in the main house in luxury suites when we were made to sleep in stinky rooms in a different location.

Shedmistress · 13/11/2021 09:20

OP when you say they are moving around, do you mean country to country?

Sparkletastic · 13/11/2021 09:23

BIL and SIL clearly not that focused on seeing family otherwise they would have spent part or trip visiting you and PILs where you live. Don't feel bad about not accepting suggestion to meet up with them at this point in their holiday.

AlexaIWillNeverSayDucking · 13/11/2021 09:24

They had to book somewhere or they'd have nowhere to stay at all. You and PIL could still easily not come.

The lack of conversation comes from both directions, it sounds like you hadn't made much effort either. They have a greater need to be getting on with booking it, so have done so.

Just book something for you and PIL that suits you, it's no biggie. But being critical and sulky when they are the only ones to have done anything at all isn't really fair. If they are put out that you won't do what they want - fair enough, feel aggravated - but all they have done so far is be more organised than the rest of you.

Sparkletastic · 13/11/2021 09:24

@ittakes2

I think its not so much getting over it - its more finding your voice to express this accommodation doesn't suit you. You are upset because you feel your choice has been taken away from you. If you take back control you will feel better. My family live all over the place and we did once try and meet in cheap tropical holiday destination for my dad's 65th birthday. This place was only a few hours flight for most of my family but for us it was over 12 hours. My dad was paying for the accommodation and we let my sister choose the house because she had two small children and she did show us her choice and we were happy with what she chose. Going were my parents, us 3 sisters, plus our respective partners and children and the house had 4 giant suites over looking the pool and they had outdoor ensuites and rainwater. These suite were so big they were like appartments. And I had assumed each family would each have one of these giant suites and we were really looking forward to a relaxing holiday. But the day before the holiday started, my sister announced her husband was taking one suite with one child and she was staying in a suite alone with her baby (because of his sleep issues) and myself and my family (2 adults and 2 older kids) were being put in the old staff quarters in a completely separate building onsite. The whole staff quarters was smaller than the suite my sister was staying in with her baby. In fact - I think the staff quarters were a similar size to her outdoor bathroom. And when we got there the staff quarters had a sewage issue and we spent the whole holiday in stinky air. I should have just moved without fuss the first night to another hotel. But I was worried doing so would upset my dad whose birthday it was an instead I tried not to make an issue of it. But by the end of the trip my relationship with my sister was not great. At one point she walked into the staff quarters to declare she didn't think they stunk as much as I was saying they did. She really couldn't get why I was upset that all the rest of the family were in the main house in luxury suites when we were made to sleep in stinky rooms in a different location.

This is unbelievably selfish!! Can't believe rest of your family went along with that madness. Is sister the favoured child?

greencatblue · 13/11/2021 09:24

Tell them that the location doesn't suit you, it's a shame they didn't discuss before booking, and you would love it if they came to stay near you/PIL in England for a visit. 🤷 they don't really seem to care about your convenience so I wouldn't bother caring about theirs

Beautifulday345 · 13/11/2021 09:26

I read this as… they are going to (whenever)… would you like to visit them when they are there, if not, no big deal. But if you do, it’s their holiday and you have yours, just in the same place so you can meet up etc..

EdgeOfTheSky · 13/11/2021 09:27

I think you are assuming a lot.

Why the assumption that you will share with MIL and FIL any more than they have?

And I wouldn’t assume that ‘come to Nerja / Benidorm / Halkidiki means you all have to stay in the same accommodation. Book a bill or an apartment or whatever.

Also, aren’t they saying ‘we are booking this week in Europe, why not come along?’ rather than ‘let’s all book a shared holiday somewhere’?

In the end it is a suggestion / invite , not a summons.

statetrooperstacey · 13/11/2021 09:27

Maybe they just didn’t think, we had a large family holiday (15) and it took ages for us to find somewhere suitable as we had to accommodate pushchairs and wheelchairs and mobility scooters. We were fully aware of the limitations of some of our family members but your relatives might not be.?
For instance my sd needs a shower , many hotels think a shower over the bath is sufficient but he can’t get into a bath we have to usually email the hotel directly and ask what the shower set up is. Lots of hotels abroad offer accessible rooms but the definition of accessible varies wildly! I’m sure they did not mean to slight you in any way but haven’t really though through the implications as they haven’t ever had to. Just call them and explain and talk through your accommodation choices, I’m sure there will be another hotel near by that is suitable.
As an aside my parents went to thailand and were rigorous in calling ahead and making sure everybody knew my SDs limitations. Turns out many of the tour guides thought picking him up by the back of his trousers and throwing him in the backs of vehicles was fine, he spent his whole holiday with a permanent wedgie..

Beautifulday345 · 13/11/2021 09:28

@EdgeOfTheSky that’s how I read it, if they said let’s all book something together, different

Rewis · 13/11/2021 09:29

Why doesn't your husband call their brother and ask what's up with this?Like is it everyone holidaying together for a week. Or doing their own thing and meeting for lunch a few times? I think this could solve the expectation problems.

tallduckandhandsome · 13/11/2021 09:33

Please don't go, a week in the company of such thoughtless twats will seriously make you regret spending money and annual leave on this. Plus paying for a resort you wouldn't even like! Don't do it.

saraclara · 13/11/2021 09:40

@tallduckandhandsome

Please don't go, a week in the company of such thoughtless twats will seriously make you regret spending money and annual leave on this. Plus paying for a resort you wouldn't even like! Don't do it.

Jeeze. These 'thoughtless twats' booked a big holiday and invited their family to join them for part of it. How very dare they?

MerryMarigold · 13/11/2021 09:40

To be honest, it's really PIL who should be most annoyed. I assume they rarely see their grandchildren on that side or their child. Ideally PIL should have shared accommodation with the Canadians to maximize time spent with them. I think they need to sort it out and express any hurt. Perhaps they don't care, in which case neither should you!

Mellowyellow222 · 13/11/2021 09:43

This is exhausting.

You or your other half just rings than and says that place is really awkward for mum and dad. And what the hell, why do we have to stay with them!

Then you have a conversation about works.

No one here cab solve this for you.

Talk about it with them.

WeAreTheHeroes · 13/11/2021 09:44

@ittakes2 - we wouldn't have gone along with that. Unbelievably selfish of your sister.

OP I think I'd go back to them and say the accommodation they have chosen isn't suitable and ask is there anything else nearby which doesn't have all the steps (or whatever the issue is) where you could all stay instead? See what they come back with. If nothing or they say they've booked and it's not refundable then go ahead and book somewhere else. You don't have to share a villa or apartment with the PILs if you don't want to either.

MerryMarigold · 13/11/2021 09:44

Jeeze. These 'thoughtless twats' booked a big holiday and invited their family to join them for part of it. How very dare they?

A holiday close to their parents/ children's grandparents/ children's cousins/ sibling and yet didn't want to actually make time to visit days relations. Decided to offset that by inviting them to join them in random country abroad and then make no attempt to find location with suitable accommodation for all. SELFISH

Dontbeme · 13/11/2021 09:45

@burnoutbabe

Do you even want to go to this European destination on this particular week?

If you wouldn't normally go there just say it doesn't work for you? Why pay lots to go somewhere you don't want to go to visit people who aren't fussed if they see you or not?

Not visiting their parents In the uk but insisting they travel to another country, when a pandemic is still going on, just seems rude/ bizarre.

I agree with this, why are they insisting eldery in laws with mobility issues travel to them? I would also suspect they want you to share with in laws so you can run about after them and cater to whatever they need. Face it OP you are the designated help on their holiday.

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